Helping Parents Raise Responsible, Self-Confident Children
Facebook/eMail/YouTube →
  • Home
  • PODCAST
    • Guide to Podcast Topics
  • BLOG
  • LECTURES / COACHING
    • LECTURES
    • COACHING
  • PARENT RESOURCES
    • Counselors in Bay Area
  • TESTIMONIALS
  • Contact Me / Newsletter / Bio
    • Mary's Bio

Podcast 69: Parents! Don’t Touch That Backpack!

1/14/2025

0 Comments

 
Does your child have a problem with what's in their backpack?   You know,  those papers that are wrinkled at the bottom?  Maybe a permission slip?  Or possibly a banana?  

Or how about the things that are NOT in their backpack?  Do they forget to put their homework in?  Or maybe their lunch or water bottle?  

Ugh!  It is so frustrating especially when we've reminded them over and over and over again!  How can they KEEP messing up and why do WE have to keep cleaning up after them?

Whose backpack is it anyway? Parents who "help" clean up backpack issues mean well,  we really do!  However, as our children grow to rely more and more on our fixing their problems, we are robbing them of the opportunity to learn how to manage their own stuff.  If we are emptying their backpack, repacking it, making sure it's stocked with appropriate pencils, food and homework then they have no need to learn how to do it. 

 We want to raise kids who will remember to take their lunch, fill their water bottles, put their homework in their backpacks, don't we?  YOU BET!  When I lecture, I often ask who has a disorganized or lazy kid.  Many parents raise their hands.  While some kids might have executive function issues, I think most kids have parent-buttting-in-and-taking-over-so-their-kid-remembers-everything issues.  This by another name is helicoptering parenting, right?

However,  here’s what we need to ban together to do:

Let them forget! The best way to help our kids is to let them forget!  Yep!  FORGET!  We want them to experience the sting of not having something that is important so that it is imprinted on their brain that important things are IMPORTANT!

We call it an AFFORDABLE MISTAKE that moves us toward a growth mindset which allows kids to know it’s ok to learn from mistakes.  Mistakes are opportunities to grow.  If we start with simple things like allowing them to take responsibility for their backpacks when they are young, they'll learn this really important skill long before they are out of the house and on their own.  

Every time we take care of backpack issues, they learn NOTHING except that if something is missing it wasn't their fault, it was mom or dads.  We teach them to allow their brains to go “offline”, that they don’t need to think ahead about what might happen to the items related to their backpacks since mom and dad will.  This is how some kids earn the label of “lazy”.
​
That's not fair at all, is it?  We want it to be THEIR fault in their minds.  It’s ok that there’s a problem, it’s just not ok if they blame others. But, if we touch their backpacks, it IS our fault!


I have some rules for you:

RULES FOR PARENTS
1 - Don't empty the backpack
2 - Don't pack the backpack
3 - Don't carry the backpack

Don't get me wrong,  you're welcome to coach a child but THEY need to do the work.  No nagging!  Just ASK if they'd like some suggestions.  Maybe make lists with them about what's supposed to go IN the backpack before school and what comes OUT after school.  Make the lists together, don't just write it all up for them.  If they can't read then use pictures or drawings.   


Good luck wrestling the backpack issues in your household from here on out!  I hope you allow your kids the life lessons that can come out of a simple backpack.
0 Comments

Podcast 68 - Halloween Candy Highs and Lows

10/27/2024

0 Comments

 
Halloween is fast approaching!  In the US, we gather costumes for our kids, carve pumpkins and wear orange and black together.  For lots of us it’s a fun holiday but for some of us it’s fun until the night of Halloween.  We cringe at the thought that we are going to encourage our kids to go door-to-door asking neighbors and strangers for candy.  Our kids run excitedly from house to house and shout with joy when they see their favorite candy bar or sour patch gummies newly thrown into their Trick or Treat bag.  It’s like Christmas but all about candy.  It’s scary and a nightmare for some of us! 
 
In this blog I want to throw out a few thoughts that can help turn this potential battle for control into some life lessons that our kids learn from.

How can we use our practical parenting skills to increase the fun and decrease the areas of conflict both before and after Trick or Treating?  Let’s go over some ideas for LOVING LIMITS and boundaries, how to set up good CHOICES and maybe even teach some new MATH and NEGOTIATING skills while, in the end, maybe letting them fail so they can learn through love and empathy to make better decisions in the future. 
Let’s get started. 
  1. LIMITS – First up, setting LOVING LIMITS.  Talk up front about what your limits and boundaries are.  Remember to state your limits in positive ways.  Some ideas might sound like these:
    1. We allow children to Trick or Treat after they’ve finished eating their dinner.
    2. We Trick or Treat from 6pm to 7:30pm.
    3. We allow kids to eat three pieces of candy per day.
    4. We allow kids to participate in our Candy Buy Back Program for xxx dollars per pound of candy.
    5. I allow kids to count and sort their candy until 8pm.

      Setting these limits and communicating them before you even start your Trick or Treating can give you the ability when they start bugging you for more candy or more time to say: “And what did I say?  Oh, we go out from 6pm – 7:30pm?”  This allows you to have your kids repeat back to you what the Loving Limit was.  Feel free to kindly say: “Nice try.” When they try to wear you down.
  2. CHOICES – Next up, CHOICES, activate their brains by giving them as many choices as you can.  Avoid making any decisions for them unless they involve safety. Here are some examples:
    1. What’s the weather going to be like tonight?  It seems pretty cold; would you like to wear some extra leggings under your costume or something extra on top like a coat or sweater?
    2. Would you like to go on Main Street first or to Second Street?
    3. Would you like to go to Sally’s neighborhood to trick-or-treat or to Amanda’s?  (Remember that we’re only going to give choices we like!  When they say they want to go to someone else’s neighborhood, you’d reply with something like: That neighborhood is nice but tonight it’s not one of the options, so sorry.  Would you like to choose, or should Mommy choose?)
    4. Would you like to keep your candy bag in the kitchen cabinet or in the pantry? (notice how “in their room or on the kitchen table” aren’t options since those aren’t  choices I like).
  3. Now, how about incorporating LEARNING SOME MATH SKILLS – when there’s a pile of anything in your home it’s time to use some math!  Allocate some fun time to have them sort all their candy by different categories: types like candy bars vs. gummies vs. sticks; or chocolate vs. non-chocolate; or maybe into piles by brands M&Ms vs. Mars vs. Hershey’s vs. whatever.  Have them count which candy they have the most of.  How many unique candies there are?  Have your kids come up with other categories using weird things like: how many have skeletons on them?  how many are shaped like pumpkins? how many are blue? How many have cartoon characters on them?  You can also have them calculate how many days of candy they will have if they eat two pieces a day vs. three pieces a day.   For older kids, have them work out percentages of chocolate vs. non-chocolate. 
  4. Another skill can be teaching them the ART OF NEGOTIATION – another fun aspect of having all that candy is that some of the candy they won’t want!  Perfect!  Have them learn to negotiate!  When their sibling has snickers bars, they don’t like maybe a one-to-one trade is the offer.  However, if the sibling loves snickers too maybe your child offers three M&Ms for one snickers.  Whatever the case, you might need to help them learn if you see unfair negotiations going on like a young mom I know whose older daughter is taking advantage of the younger one’s lack of experience.  You may have to set up yourself as a trade depot to approve trades but, let them propose some!  Another aspect of negotiation skills that might come into play is if you decide you want to buy the candy from them so there’s less for them to eat and rot their teeth.  Ask them what a fair rate is.  Let them try to convince you that certain candy is worth more than others rather than buying things by the pound.  Let them play with that idea if they are in older elementary grades.
  5. Lastly, LET THEM FAIL - allow kids to make some mistakes so they can set their own limits in the future.  What am I talking about?  We need to let them make some choices about their candy habits so they can learn good habits.  In some families you let them eat as much candy as they can the night of Halloween.  Some kids will eat so much they get sick which is hard but, the next Halloween will be better because they chose the path and learned it wasn’t worth going down again. 

    When I was a kid, we didn’t get candy very often, so I immediately learned to ration my candy, no one had to tell me that once my bag of candy was gone, it was gone.  I could eat as much or little as I wanted but I chose to savor it.  I have no memory of any of my siblings ever overeating their candy, but it was an option. 
All these ideas are just fun thoughts as you head into this huge sugar bomb of a season.  I know you’ll make it through.  Bottomline, set up guidelines ahead of time to prevent as much whining and complaining about when and how much is gathered and consumed.
0 Comments

Podcast 65 - Connecting with Teens and Tweens

4/22/2024

0 Comments

 
Many of you feel lost and alone.  Your teen or tween is distant or defiant.  Things just aren’t going well.  The only communication when you ask how things are going are grunts or, maybe if you’re lucky, “Fine.”  No matter how you ask, your kid just won’t respond, doesn’t even seem to want to be in the same room with you unless, yes, there’s usually some caveat, that they need something from you.  It’s such a tough time for parents to navigate.

It’s during the teen and tween years that our kids are learning to separate from us and they want to test out their skills at being independent.  To some of us it might seem like some zombie has kidnapped our kids and turned them from the sweet, adoring elementary kids into some sort of animal – a temperamental tiger, a solitary sloth or a disrespectful dragon.  It can be shocking and overwhelming.  Some of us are left grieving for “the old times” when we could laugh and cuddle with little ones.  Others of you might be faring pretty well and just have a few parenting bumps and bruises and just want to up your game to have a closer relationship.  No matter which end of the spectrum you’re on, I’m glad you’re listening in.

I want to start out saying that all is not lost.  With some tips and tricks you can establish a wonderful relationship that can get you over the hump and take you through to adulthood.  It will take work but if you’re willing to invest time things can really, really turn around.  Taking the time and investing in a trusting, loving relationship is what will get you through this challenging and amazing time. 

In my YouTube lecture “Communicating with Teens” I talk about “turning off the spotlight” to allow our teens to relax with us and trust that we won’t start pumping them for information or judge their behavior and poor choices.  I really recommend listening or watching the whole talk which I’ll put in the show notes but this podcast expands on the ideas that I started there.

Many parents over the years have wanted a more concrete list of ideas they can turn to when they’d like to connect with their teens. I do want you to understand that the best way to connect is one-on-one with your teen; no spouse, no other kids.  Family time is something I encourage for sure, but this type of bonding needs to be done solo.  Ideally your spouse will be rotating with you for each of your kids to create trust with both parents.  But if they’re unwilling or unable, at least one of the two of you put in the time and effort needed.

So, what would I recommend?

Be curious about their interests. 

Here are two detailed examples for you to ponder over. 

#1 – Computer Gaming
If you have a kid who is into gaming, ask them about their game.  Find out what type of game, who they play with, how it’s played.  Ask about the characters.  Figure out what skills they’re learning.  Just ask questions!  When my son was in high school, he played a video game called “Counter Strike: GO” or “CSGO” for short.  It was NOT a game I liked.  It’s a shoot ‘em up game with lots of guns.  But, I choose to be curious.  

What did I learn? It’s played with 5 players on a team who have to work together to beat another team of 5 players.  They, as a team, had to decide who would play which roles in the game since the game had strategies and having assigned roles really helps win games.  There were skills and teamwork that had to be negotiated.  There were practice schedules that had to be set and met.  There were tournaments.  What were they learning? They learned that some kids weren’t dedicated enough and had to be replaced.  They had to have a leader and they learned that it was best not to have a dictator.   

They were learning so much more than I ever imagined.  If I hadn’t been curious, I would have missed out on so much and I’d have ruined a chance to peek into my son’s world.  I didn’t fight with my son about how much time he was spending.  Why?  He really didn’t have that much extra time.  He was active.  He was playing basketball and football, getting good grades and held down a part-time job on the weekends.  He was learning a lot about keeping track of a schedule and balancing activities.  He was connecting with his friends and dating.  He didn’t play alone in his room but in a common area in our basement that we could come into at any moment.  He could tell I was curious, and it really helped us stay connected.

#2 Taylor Swift
Let’s take a kid who loves Taylor Swift, maybe it’s a teen girl.  If you’re a parent of a “Swiftie”, what can you to do be curious?  One obvious choice is to listen to her music.  The other is to ask your teen what their favorite albums are and which songs resonate with them.  Do they think she’ll get married some day?  Do they know where her upcoming tours are going to be?  Do they want to watch football now that she’s been dating Travis Kelsey?  If so, watch with them!  A new album just got released as I write this, listen to it.  Ask which new songs they like, who they think they’re about. I’d even be curious enough to watch the Eras Tour on Netflix together.  I know a number of parents who went with their daughters to see the Eras Tour. 

A few months ago I was talking to a mom about her Swiftie tween who was spending a lot of time making bracelets (it’s a Swiftie thing I still don’t quite understand but the mom knew it was a thing).  That mom realized that she could take some time and just sit and make bracelets with her daughter.  Yep.  Simple. No big deal. Just chill and do a craft project and learn what the buzz was all about. 

Those are just two examples, but I want you to figure out what your teens love and ask about it but, most importantly, LISTEN to what they have to say.  Don’t judge, just be curious!

Try not to judge and don’t lecture!
Many teens don’t want to interact with parents because they worry that their mother or father will have the “wrong reaction”. Teens will come to you more if they don’t feel like every time they do they get a lecture and are judged. Keep in mind that the length of time for a lecture to be effective with a teen before they tune you out is about 30 seconds.  Try your best, when they talk to you, to validate their emotions and not judge them for what they are saying.  Bottomline, listen more than you talk. 

Don’t solve problems, just listen
When your teen does open up to you it is often our tendency to try to solve problems or downplay their disappointments. After a romantic disappointment saying something like “They weren’t right for you anyway” can feel dismissive. Instead, show kids that you understand and empathize by reflecting their sentiments back: “Wow, that does sound difficult.” Maybe they got a poor grade on a test, didn’t get picked for a team or their friends have ghosted them.  Give them love and empathy.  Offer them a hug or just sit with them.  Knowing that someone cares enough to just be around them when things aren’t going well builds trust and expands a relationship. 

Make it worth their while to turn off their screens
Parents who struggle to connect with their teens often need a list of ideas about what to do.  I gave you two detailed examples of how you can connect with kids by being curious but some of you often ask me for more ideas.  In this last part of the podcast I’m going to do just that.  LOTS of ideas, pick one or two, modify them to your liking and just try to connect.  I’m going to remind you again to turn off the spotlight, no grilling questions about school and relationships, set your intention to have one-on-one time with your teen or tween.  It works best if you include them in on the activities you pick but some of you know what your kids might like to, again, just try.

Here goes:
Boba Tea - For teens and tweens there’s something magical about Boba Tea.  I don’t quite get it, it’s a bit too sweet for me but, if it gets your teen to jump in the car with you and stand in line, go for it!  Next step: set up a quest to find the best Boba or maybe try making your own Boba together at home.

Cook together
– yep, plan a meal and possibly shop together.  Maybe you bake instead of cook a meal.  Make something from a cooking or baking show your teen watches.  Here’s a warning: your teen needs to feel competent, don’t over-teach or criticize.  So what if the cake falls flat or you used salt instead of sugar.  Laugh it off.  Keep the goal of just enjoying making something together.

Eat Together – go on a quest for the best sushi or ramen or pizza or burgers.  Pick a cuisine and go on an adventure to find “the best’. A dad who had a difficult 6th grade daughter who wasn’t talking to him set up a quest for the best frozen yogurt once a week when he picked her up.  It went to well that after 4 weeks his daughter suggested they do something else and suggested playing pool together.  Yep, pool.  That is way more time she was choosing to spend with dad than he had ever hoped.  Such great work that dad did. 

Listen to Music Together – let your child be the DJ in the car when you drive.  Have a “no headphones” rule but allow them to play their music.  Be curious.  Ask about the artists they select or get the details about the songs that are being sung.  Be open to different types of music you might think is awful.  Have a discussion about it even but… listen anyway…. 

Tell them a Story About Them -  kids like to hear about themselves especially when there are cute stories about when they were little.  I wouldn’t do this in front of friends or to embarrass them, tell stories that show how adorable they were or how curious or entertaining they were

Work Together – chores can be a bore, pick a few you can do as a team and that you’re both competent at.  Forcing them to do a chore with you that they feel judged on will backfire.  One mom who was struggling to get her teen daughter to talk to her found that when she offered to join in on her daughter’s chore of walking the family dog that those 20 minutes were the best minutes of their day together.  It still wasn’t mom’s job but the daughter had time to open up as they strolled through their neighborhood.

Make a Date – plan some fun for you and your teen.  It works best if you plan it with your teen but, again one-on-one, nobody else – it could be a movie that just opened, the concert of a band you’ve been listening to together, volunteering together (even if it’s for school volunteer hour credit), a trip to the animal shelter to look at kittens and puppies, putt-putt golf or bowling, whatever.  Just enjoy each other.

Read the books they’re assigned in school while they’re reading them too or listen to one of them together on Audible.

Watch a weekly show together. There’s so much available!  Pick something and get involved in the story lines and characters. 

Try a new hobby together – kayaking, bead making, bread making, clay pottery, axe throwing, pickleball, geo-caching, mahjong.  You could even have a “try it” theme where you don’t even have to get good at it you just rotate through different things you’ve never done before.

Go camping or on a hike.  There’s nothing like getting away from the hustle and bustle of all the electronics in our lives.

Go to a nearby attraction – we live close to San Francisco but most families don’t take the time to visit great places like Alcatraz Island or walk across the Golden Gate Bridge.  Find something famous you’ve never been to and make the time to go. Your teen might a place related to a hobby or passion that they’d like to visit that wouldn’t be at the top of your list but, go!  Experience and be curious.  
 
I hope a few of these ideas resonate with you.  You can even print out the blog post on my website with all the ideas.
 
Now I’d like to give you a few parting tips and tricks as I wrap up this brainstorming session for what to do when you feel you can get to a deeper level with your teen once they’ve opened up a bit.

Be Honest – let them know that any topic is open – drugs, sex, drinking, anything!  This is where you really have to take off your judgement hat and listen and connect so you can discuss these topics instead of shame your teen or yell at them for expressing views that are different than yours.

Be available – even when it’s not convenient for you.  If your teen wants to talk as you were hoping to get some rest, take the time. Consider it a gift instead of a burden.

Just listen – don’t minimize or whatever the problem solve is, just listen, ask questions, no lectures

Show Some Love – say “good morning” and “good night”.  Give them hugs even when they squirm.

Commiserate with how oppressive homework can feel - It makes it a little easier if someone at least appreciates that they worked at school all day and now they have to work all evening on homework. And bringing tea or a snack will melt your teen's heart.

Control your emotions. It’s easy for your temper to flare when your teen is being rude.  Remember to go BRAIN DEAD, don’t let your teens emotions become your emotions.  When emotions are involved it means the “thinking brain” is offline and nothing will be solved until everyone is calm.  In the moment only love and empathy are needed.  Reflective listening and offering a hug might help but feel free to count to ten and take some deep breaths.  I have resources on controlling your anger if you need more ideas on what to do and how to handle disrespect. 

Don’t be a dictator. You still get to set the rules, but be ready to explain them. While pushing the boundaries is natural for teenagers, hearing your thoughtful explanation about why parties on school nights aren’t allowed will make the rule seem more reasonable.

Talk to them like an adult with respect and make it clear that you value their opinions and expect respect in return.

Invite your Teen’s Friends Over- This is such a stealth move!  I always learned so much from my sons’ friends!  One mom said the best way to make sure her son’s friends came was to keep the kitchen stocked with food and let them know they were free to eat anything they wanted. Feed them and they will come and stay, nearly every day!

Lastly, forget traditional discipline. Instead, use “misbehavior” or poor judgment as an opportunity to get closer to your teen and help them develop good judgment. When your teen makes mistakes, talk with them, and LISTEN! Most of the time when a teen acts out it’s because like any person they are going through an emotional upheaval. Getting to the root of the issue and then helping them problem-solve how to deal with their emotions better will go much further than locking the door and throwing away the key, or, in our current situation, taking away cell phones or WIFI or other electronic devices.  Taking away their life blood only teaches them we’re mean when what we want is for them to learn from their poor choices.

Questions?  Reach out to me!  

0 Comments

Podcast 63: Grumpy Kids – What to Do

2/12/2024

0 Comments

 
I want to talk about grumpy kids.  Everyone has one, right?  Sometimes the grumpiness rotates around the family, yourself included.  It’s hard to be around and sometimes the gray cloud just grows and grows.  Let’s just all agree that it’s no fun, ok?  I want to give you some ideas about what you can do about it.
Let’s start off with the “WHY”… why are they grumpy? 

For younger kids, it’s typically a matter that they lack the communication skills to let us know what exactly is bugging them.  They can’t even explain it.  They just go around moping and have a dark cloud over their heads.  They might be resentful that someone else got to go first in a game.   Or maybe their sibling ate the last cookie they thought was theirs, or that the teacher accused them of something they didn’t do.  The list could go on and on.  When they try to defend themselves or explain, they either can’t find the words or the people around them don’t listen.  One family I was with recently had a little one in tears when mom was talking to someone else and didn’t have time to listen to him when a sibling wasn’t sharing like they were supposed to.  He was in a tizzy for sure.    

When their world crashes in, then they get overwhelmed and shut down and bring the rest of us down with them.  It can drive us over the edge, can’t it?

For older tweens and teens, it can be similar, but in my experience these kids often have the words but feel no one is listening to them or willing to listen long enough to hear their side of the story.  I’m talking mostly about family issues here, but kids can come home in a funk from school as well where classmates or teachers have done something they feel isn’t going the way it should or at least that they expect it to.  They still can grump around your home and shut you out because “you don’t understand anyway”, right?

Issues like screen time can certainly trigger grumpiness at any age.  If we take away a device that we feel they are abusing -- late night texting, using apps that aren’t allowed, playing games when they should be studying – we can certainly create a grumpy kid in about two seconds. 

No matter the age, the issue is the same.  You’ve got a grumpy kid and they’re driving you batty. What can you do?  Here’s a step-by-step list that you can go through to see if you can chase the grumpies out of your home.

Step 1 – Keep Your Cool
In order to work on anything, you’ve got to have your emotions under control.  If you’re kid has triggered you, take a time-out by taking a walk or a glass of water or whatever.  Just know that if you’re upset and your brain is in fight-or-flight mode, you won’t be capable of effectively helping your child. 

Step 2 – Offer Empathy and Hugs
Reflective listening is super helpful in times like these.  No fixing should be done on this step, just love and empathy.

“Wow, I can tell you’re super unhappy right now.  So sorry about that.”
Or,
“Gosh, you’re pretty upset.  That’s so sad.”

Then I recommend moving to my favorite, “Hey, do you need a hug?”  If they do want one, grab them and hold on.  If they grumpily say, “No!” Just tell them you love them and can’t wait to chat later.  Let them know by words or deeds that you’ll be there for them later. If they need some alone time, allow them to have it.

One of my parents came up with a colorful Mood Meter graphic to help her child point to how they might be feeling since they were having trouble saying how they felt.  They can point to colorful squares for – angry, lonely, sad, furious, nervous, or even happy or calm.  I’ll put a link to it in my show notes.  Sometimes kids need to be able to point when they can’t think of the words.  Put one on your fridge and see if it helps.

Step 3 - Fix the Broken Connection
In my experience as a mom and parenting coach, grumpiness can grow out of a broken connection.  Your child doesn’t think you know them.  If you understood, you’d KNOW, right?  In two of my YouTube Lectures – Getting Kids to Listen and Communicating with Teens and Tweens, I talk about “turning off the spotlight” to connect with our kids.  What this means is figuring out how to have some special time with your child, one-on-one, where you can re-bond. 

A grumpy kid feels isolated and alone, misunderstood.  Take them out and do something.  Don’t ask about their grumpiness and the causes, just BE.  Be present.  I often tell parents to go for Boba Tea.  Our kids seem to love Boba but if your kid is an ice cream kid, it can be ice cream.  Or maybe go on a hike, make a puzzle, play a non-competitive game like Kings Corner (it’s a card game I love to tell parents about that I’ll put a link in my show notes).  I love one mom who figured out she could make friendship bracelets with her daughter.  Just sitting and being.  Chatting about beads and string.  No pressure to talk about anything else.  It’s AMAZING how kids once they relax will actually start talking about what’s bothering them.  The trick to “turning off the spotlight” is that you need to keep it off, no starting to hone-in and grill them about what’s wrong.  If they start talking, fine, if they are still shut, you just keep being with them in a loving and supportive manner.

Step 4 – Go on a Trigger Quest and Brainstorm
When things do calm down, set up some special one-on-one time with just you and your child to talk about what just happened.  Back up the scenario and try to get to the “why” of it all, what I’ll call the trigger. Here’s the time when you can brainstorm with them what to do the next time someone or something triggers them. 
Let’s say brother Billy took the last cookie during a playdate.  John thought in his mind that it was his cookie.  In John’s mind, the cookie was illegally taken AND eaten on top of it so that he could never, ever in his life have that cookie that was his trigger that made John mad and VERY grumpy.  So, the trigger was a stolen cookie.  How can John deal with this if it happens next time?  Can he use words?  Can he alert an adult? Are there other cookies he can have?  How can he use his words to effectively communicate his issue?  How can he solve the problem?  Is it solvable?  What can he do next time he sees a cookie sitting alone on a tray?

This cookie scenario reminds us how a similar scenario happens with electronics in many homes.  Let’s say mom takes away a device their daughter Jenny is playing on since Jenny hasn’t finished her homework.  Jenny gets VERY upset at mom and acts like a huge grump going around the house and bumping things off tables or knocking little brother’s blocks down, maybe pulling someone’s hair. 

In this case, mom, the parent, is the trigger for the grumpy mood.  Again, going through Steps 1 – 3 and getting to a calm spot. We want to work on brainstorming how mom and Jenny can work together so that next time the trigger might be avoided.  Can a timer be set so that Jenny knows when to get off?  Is there a time limit per day that Jenny needs to figure out how to adhere to using timers or watches?  When is the allowed time to play games?  Should it be before homework is done, or can she and mom compromise to have 30 minutes of play then homework time?  Who and how would that 30 minutes be tracked and what happens if Jenny doesn’t get off when those timers go off?  Maybe they set a policy of no electronics the next day?

Doing all this brainstorming in a one-on-one setting with one child can be time-consuming at first but, if you can see the long-term benefit NOW, the investment can pay off big time in the future.  If you can brainstorm things with that grumpy child, it lets them feel heard and gives them the ability to have input as to how they can choose to behave with better skills in the future.  Grumpy kids need skills.  These brainstorming sessions will help build them.

What sorts of triggers did some parents see when doing this brainstorming?
  • They are hungry
  • Their kid was tired
  • They got upset when they had to do some activity they don’t want to (chores, homework, etc.)
  • They got caught doing something they weren’t supposed to
  • They felt picked on
  • They felt left out
  • They felt we were giving too much attention to a sibling
All of these triggers will be solved differently during your brainstorming session. 

One idea that I love to offer is that we come up with signals to use with our child.  We agree that a soft, cuddly bear or maybe a cute giraffe will mean: “I love you Jenny, I can tell you’re grumpy.  Would you like a hug or some alone time to calm down?” When I hand Jenny that bear or giraffe, she agreed ahead of time that it signals that mom loves her and knows she’s hurting.  If you want more info about signals check out my Being a Calm Parent YouTube video or 13 -Anger Management podcast check out the links in my show notes.
​
Well, I hope some of these steps can lead you and your kids to a happier, healthier, and less grumpy place in the future.  Try a few of the steps.  Take is slow.  Grumpy kids can be pretty prickly.
 
Resources:
  • Kings Corner Card Game YouTube Instruction Video
  • Mood Meter Graphic
  • Parenting Decoded YouTube Videos
    • Communicating with Teens and Tweens Parenting Decoded YouTube Video
    • Getting Kids to Listen
    • Being a Calm Parent
  • Parenting Decoded Podcast Link
    • Anger Management for Parents
0 Comments

Podcast 62: Rewards vs. Bribes

1/12/2024

0 Comments

 
AUDIO PODCAST LINK HERE

Have you ever told your child that if they behave, they get an ice cream?  Or if they are nice to grandma, they’ll get a new toy?  Or have you restrained yourself as a parent and set up a positive behavior chart listing chores and acts of kindness that your child can earn points that are redeemed for a prize?

It’s natural for parents to try to figure out the magic of motivating our kids to “do the right thing”, isn’t it?  Many of us use a combination of rewards and bribes to move our kids in the directions we think we’d like to see them move.  While many of today’s parenting experts push rewards for positive behaviors, I want to spend some time looking at both the ups and downs of bribes as well as rewards. 

What do they have in common? 
They are both used to motivate children to do something.  Adults need motivation and rewards, too. As humans, we respond to incentives. We're much more inclined to do certain tasks, or partake in certain behaviors, if we know there's a something good on the other side. Working overtime at your job is a great example. Many of us wouldn't do that without being compensated.

Rewarding your child follows the same concept, and their positive response to rewards is developmentally normal. The trick is to make sure you find the right reward for your child.

What’s the difference? 

A reward is something that is given to a child after they have completed a task or exhibited positive behavior. Rewards are discussed and determined ahead of time between you and your child. For example, you may promise to let your child have some screentime or a special dessert after they finish their homework or do a chore at home. If they don’t manage to do the task, no reward is given or expected. 

On the other hand, a bribe is a persuasion offered typically during a child's negative behavior.  Giving a child a treat who is having a tantrum when leaving a park playdate is one example. Or giving them an extra 15 minutes doing something when you said it was time to stop.    Or when you hand them your cell phone when they are interrupting a conversation that you want to finish.  All these train our kids that when they act poorly, they can “earn” something they want.  It puts them in the driver’s seat.  Not what any parent wants, for sure!

There are bribes that are set up in advance so we can persuade our child to do what they don't want to do. For example, you bribe your child to clean their room, paying them some money to do it or granting them screen time. Yes, the child may be successfully persuaded by you to clean their room. But they are also inclined to leave their room messy all over again, so they can be repeatedly bribed into cleaning it. Any natural motivation goes out the window when kids are bribed by parents. You are unwittingly training them to manipulate you into bribing them again.

This is the conundrum of rewards and bribes.  Bribes reward negative behavior while rewards instill in children that if they perform then they’ll be rewarded.  That works well until your child decides they don’t like that reward and so they won’t do the work that you’re asking them to do.  Do you pay them more for their chores to get them to clean their room then?  Or is there a limit to your budget for “rewarding” your kids for chores.  
 
Not All Bribes Are Bad

When are bribes good?  When a skill hasn’t been learned is when bribes are appropriate.  Bribes should not be used for things that your child knows how to do already.  A classic example that lots of parents use bribes for is when you are trying to potty train your child.  If they go #1 on the potty they get 1 jellybean and if they go #2 they get M&Ms.  Classic, right?  It’s a behavior they need to be motivated toward and we’re motivated to get this to happen as well!  After it is mastered and your child knows “how” to do whatever it is, the ”bribe” goes away.  If they are learning to tie their shoes, maybe the bribe is a trip to a special park.  But after they can tie those shoes the bribe is over, it’s just verbal praise and recognition when tying shoes after that. 
 
Not All Rewards are Good

There’s quite a bit of emphasis on setting up rewards for good behavior in today’s parenting circles. 
While we do want to promote good behavior, if we give too many rewards, we wind up undermining our own efforts to get to where we want to be and can develop kids who are entitled and spoiled.  Grades are a classic.  It’s super common for me to find families who reward for grades. 

“I get x amount if I get a B but if I get an A I get more!”  When I was a kid, I sure was jealous of my best friend who got paid for her grades.  But interestingly, I still worked as hard as she did.  I still wanted to get good grades even though I wasn’t getting paid in dollars. Why is that?  My parents, unbeknownst to me, set me up to have intrinsic motivation to get good grades. 

Yes, that’s what we want.  Extrinsic motivation is where an outside influence causes a behavior change, paying for grades in this example muddies the waters and confuses our kids.  Some kids aren’t good at every subject and I think that should be ok.  I know parents get worried but us worrying about our kids grades FOR them means that they don’t have to worry.  Grades should be a reflection of their efforts, not of yours to pay them a certain amount of money.   If you set up from an early age that you will always be their cheerleader and assist when they need help, you’ll set your child up for success.  Their work is their work.  If they want to do well, you’ll be there to cheer them on.  If they decide something isn’t worth the effort, you’ll be there to discuss that with them and allow for empathy if that decision works out or not.  No rewards needed, just love and encouragement.

Another example, we want to train our kids treat others with kindness because it’s how we want to be treated.  We don’t need an external reward for that.  Doing kind things should fill our intrinsic motivation bucket.  Talking about it in family meetings, about how it warms our hearts, having examples that we each share and modeling kindness in our family and with our friends is how they will learn.  Not putting marbles in a jar.  Those things do work for about a week or two but every family I know who have tried things like that, myself included, just sort of run out of steam after the initial burst of energy is spent.  It’s totally weird how that happens but, it does. 

Here's another example, chores.  My full advice is offered in Podcast #14 so please go listen to that if you need more help but here’s a brief comment:

I encourage parents to not pay for chores but to teach children from a young age that you’re a family and every family member has responsibilities to help make the family function.  We decide as a family who does what and how much.  It can be complicated sometimes but it really works especially when family meetings to review family issues like chores and screentime and money and kindness or anything else is discussed.   They learn that being part of a family team is intrinsically good.  We need to allow for our kids to have input into our family unit so that they have buy-in to make each day as a family fun, loving and amazing.


Don't Underestimate Your Praise as a Reward

Rewards for kids of any age don’t always have to be, nor should they always be the material kind. The most powerful kind of reward a parent has to offer is simple, doesn’t cost anything, and is always at hand: your verbal praise. I also want to say that unexpected rewards are awesome.  When you see your child has been striving over a long period of time to accomplish something maybe you take them out to Starbucks or for some Boba Tea.  It’s spur of the moment, recognizing and celebrating their hard work, not some planned reward. 

Bottomline, bribes are reserved for learning new skills, rewards for positive behaviors and are temporary or spur of the moment.  Reward too frequently and you move into the realm of entitlement which tends to breed resentment over time.
​
I do have to say that its communicating expectations with kids in a positive, respectful manner that will get you further than all the bribes and rewards in the world.  Taking the time to listen and discuss issues, to problem solve and lovingly allow our kids to make mistakes is the real key to getting our kids to move in positive directions. 
0 Comments

Podcast 61: Bullying, How to Help Your Child

11/10/2023

0 Comments

 
Listen to AUDIO of PODCAST 61 

Bullying… what a gulp of a topic, right?  It’s hard enough on those of us who might have been bullied or been exposed to others who were bullied when we were kids but when it’s your own child, it’s like being pierced in the heart.  It can make a normal parent turn into a tiger parent in a flash.  It’s confusing.  It’s heart breaking.  Who knows what to do? What’s the RIGHT thing as a parent to do?  Good question!  I’m not a therapist but I have been doing some research that will hopefully help point you in the right direction for good resources if you think your child is being bullied.
 
First off, there are some great resources online.  I’ve reviewed quite a few and have put hotlinks in the podcast and blog notes so you can find them easily
.  Stopbullying.org and Kidshealth.org stand out as well as the UK’s Pacer.org.

Definition of Bullying

One confusing issue is when we suspect our child is being bullied, how do we know it’s “bullying” and not just normal teasing.  When we were kids, I’m assuming you all went through hurt feelings like I did when I wasn’t invited to a party or friends did something without me in secret.  Someone might have stolen your sandwich or called you a bad name on the playground.  Maybe you got pushed out of a seat on the bus.  I’m sure there’s a list of other things that happened to you that I can’t even being to guess.  Most of us somehow managed to get through but in today’s culture bullying seems, like everything else, to have been raised up a notch.  There’s more and there’s new types of online bullying to include in the mix.  Ugh.  

In 2014, the Centers for Disease Control and Department of Education released the first federal definition of bullying. It has three core elements:
  • unwanted aggressive behavior
  • observed or perceived power imbalance
  • repetition or high likelihood of repetition of bullying behaviors




This definition helps determine whether an incident is bullying or another type of aggressive behavior like peer conflict or if it’s both.
 
I want to give you a more concrete examples of bullying so that you know it’s a wide set of possibilities as you think about the issues your own child faces. 

Types of Bullying
  • Verbal bullying is saying or writing mean things. Verbal bullying includes:
    • Teasing
    • Name-calling
    • Inappropriate sexual comments
    • Taunting
    • Threatening to cause harm
  • Social bullying, sometimes referred to as relational bullying, involves hurting someone’s reputation or relationships. Social bullying includes:
    • Leaving someone out on purpose
    • Telling other children not to be friends with someone
    • Spreading rumors about someone
    • Embarrassing someone in public
  • Physical bullying involves hurting a person’s body or possessions. Physical bullying includes:
    • Hitting/kicking/pinching
    • Spitting
    • Tripping/pushing
    • Taking or breaking someone’s things
    • Making mean or rude hand gestures
For kids, bullying can occur during or after school hours. While most reported bullying happens in the school building, it  also happens in places like on the playground, travelling to or from school, in your neighborhood, or in today’s culture, unfortunately, 24/7 on the Internet.  Let’s talk about that specifically…

Cyberbullying

Cyberbullying.  It’s bullying that takes place over digital devices. It can include sharing personal or private information about someone else causing embarrassment or humiliation. Some cyberbullying crosses the line into unlawful or criminal behavior especially in areas of sexting and porn.

Cyberbullying has unique concerns in that it can be:

·       Persistent – Digital devices offer an ability to immediately and continuously communicate 24 hours a day, so it can be difficult for children experiencing cyberbullying to find relief.  One friend’s child got over 300 mean posts in one day. It was relentless and caused the family to shut down all their child’s social media.

·       Permanent – Most information communicated electronically is permanent and public, if not reported and removed. Our kids don’t seem to understand that.  A negative online reputation, including for those who bully, can impact college admissions, employment, and other areas of life.

·       Hard to Notice – Because teachers and parents may not overhear or see cyberbullying taking place, it is harder to recognize.

It’s tough.

Why do kids bully?
 
Sometimes they pick on kids because they need a victim — someone who seems emotionally or physically weaker, or just acts or appears different in some way — they want to feel more important, popular, or in control.
 
Sometimes kids torment others because that's the way they've been treated. They may think their behavior is normal because they come from families or other settings where everyone regularly gets angry and shouts or calls each other names.  I know when my kids play online games there a LOT of trash talking that’s in fun but, I’m guessing, some kids don’t find it so amusing.
 
How do you know if your kid is being bullied?
It’s tough unless your kid tells you, that’s for sure.  Some of my friends said they just didn’t see the signs since they didn’t think bullying could happen to their kid.  Hopefully that won’t be you.  But here are some signs to look for:
  • acting differently or seeming anxious
  • not eating, not sleeping well, or not doing the things they usually enjoy
  • seem moodier or more easily upset than usual
  • avoiding certain situations (like going to school or taking the bus to school)



What Can Families Do?
It's really important to take bullying seriously and not just brush it off as something that kids have to "tough out." The effects can be serious and affect kids' sense of safety and self-worth. In severe cases, bullying has contributed to tragedies, such as suicides and school shootings.  The families I interviewed for this podcast admitted that it would have made a huge difference if they took the small warning signs more seriously instead of brushing them off.

If your child tells you about being bullied, listen calmly and offer comfort and support. Kids are often reluctant to tell adults about bullying because they feel embarrassed and ashamed that it's happening, or worry that their parents will be disappointed, upset, angry, or reactive.  One family I’m working with, the child won’t give the names of the perpetrators since he is so scared of retaliation. 

Sometimes kids feel like it's their own fault, that if they looked or acted differently it wouldn't be happening. Others are worried that their parents won't believe them or do anything about it. Or kids worry that their parents will urge them to fight back when they're scared to.

·      First, make sure you let your kid know on a regular basis that they can come to you with anything.  That you promise to listen.  This is often tough set up but it is essential for you to have a trusting relationship so that your kid can come to you with hard stuff.
·      When your child does come to you, praise them for doing the right thing by talking to you about it.
·      Remind your child that they're not alone — a lot of people get bullied at some point.
·      Explain that it's the bully who is behaving badly — not them.
·      Have them document the bullying behavior on paper in their own words.  Such written testimony is crucial if things escalate further.
·      Reassure them that you will figure out what to do about it together.

In surveys, most kids and teens say that bullying happens at school. Let someone at school (the principal, school nurse, or a counselor or teacher) know about the situation. Often, they can watch and take steps to prevent further problems.  It doesn’t always help but it’s worth a try.


Role Playing and Brainstorming with Your Child
Kidshealth.org offers a great list of ideas to go over with your child to prepare them for dealing with a bully and give power back to them so they aren’t so overwhelmed with the situation.  I’d encourage you to go over this list of ideas with your child and brainstorm what ones would work for them.  Maybe role play how they would use one or more of the approaches.
  • Tell an adult. Teachers, principals, parents, and lunchroom personnel at school can all help stop bullying.
  • Avoid the bully and use the buddy system. Use a different bathroom if a bully is nearby and don't go to your locker if nobody else is around. Make sure you have someone with you so that you're not alone with the bully. Buddy up with a friend on the bus, in the hallways, or at recess — wherever the bully is. Offer to do the same for a friend.
  • Hold the anger. It's natural to get upset by the bully, but that's what bullies thrive on. It makes them feel more powerful. Practice not reacting by crying or looking red or upset. It takes a lot of practice, but it's a useful skill for keeping off of a bully's radar. Sometimes kids find it useful to practice "cool down" strategies such as counting to 10, writing down their angry words, taking deep breaths, or walking away. Sometimes the best thing to do is to teach kids to keep their face calm until they are clear of any danger (smiling or laughing may provoke the bully).
  • Act brave, walk away, and ignore the bully. Firmly and clearly tell the bully to stop, then walk away. Practice ways to ignore the hurtful remarks, like acting uninterested or texting someone on your cellphone. By ignoring the bully, you're showing that you don't care. Eventually, the bully will probably get bored with trying to bother you.
  • Talk about it. Talk to someone you trust, such as a guidance counselor, teacher, sibling, or friend. They may offer some helpful suggestions. Even if they can't fix the situation, it may help you feel a little less alone.
 
Stopbullying.gov has a helpful list of Dos and Don’ts for adults who are in a school or other team environment where the bully or bullies are known and available for questioning.   Here's a link if you’re an adult in that situation.  BULLYING RESPONSE LIST LINK HERE 

Cyberbullying, special notes
I do want to take time to talk about steps in dealing with cyberbullying issues.
  • First off, you want to have your child document the incident.  A particular incident might be a one-off but having screen shots of the mean remarks or doctored photos or whatever can be crucial to proving a pattern of cyberbullying that could be useful later.

  • Cyberbullying is “intent to harm” focused.  Did the perpetrator intentionally cause harm or was it an innocent mistake. 

    What do I mean?  If your child’s friend takes a funny photo of your child and posts it on social media and they both think it’s funny at the time but then it gets re-posted with mean comments from others, it’s certainly a problem.  However, if the friend, when approached, is willing to take down photo and prevent further harm it would be chalked up as a mistake.  If the friend posted it, made mean comments about your child then forwarded it around on purpose and it continued to get forwarded around, that’s cyberbullying.  It’s nasty and it’s way too easy for a teen or tween with poor control over emotions to make bad choices over what they post. 
 
Mental Health and Building Confidence
Bottomline, dealing with bullying can hurt a child's confidence and self-worth.   To help rebuild it, be there for your kids.  Encourage your kids to spend time with friends who have a positive influence. Participation in clubs, sports, or other enjoyable activities builds strength and friendships. Get them mental health resources if they need extra support. 

When my boys were in high school there was a girl who had been drunk at a party.  Her photos and story were passed around via texting.  She was shattered.  She felt hopeless and alone.  She wound up committing suicide.  Bullying and cyberbullying affects mental health.  You need to make sure your child’s story is one of hope and resilience. 

Provide a listening ear about tough situations but encourage your kids to also tell you about the good parts of their day and listen attentively so that open communication becomes a habit for everyone. Make sure they know you believe in them and that you'll do what you can to address any bullying together. 

The one thing I always tell parents that will make their parenting job easier is to keep communication open.  If your child has a trusting relationship with you then bullying should never get out of control. 

If you need help building your relationship or access to mental health referals, please contact me at [email protected].  I have lots of podcasts as well as YouTube videos that can help and can connect you with professional help if you need it. 

​If you’d like an audio of this blog, go to my Podcast, Parenting Decoded.  

Resources:
  • https://router-network.com/education/anti-bullying-guide
  • https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/bullies.html
  • https://www.pacer.org/bullying/
  • https://www.stopbullying.gov/
0 Comments

Podcast 54 - Gifts and Grandparents: How to Tame Them

12/7/2022

1 Comment

 
With the holiday season fast approaching I wanted to take a few minutes out to support your parenting in a different way than normal.   We’re going to talk about YOUR parents and how to manage them.  Kids are hard enough but some of you struggle with grandparents and relatives who all have great and well-meaning hearts but who create unwanted issues when they deluge your kids with gifts. 

Last year I did a podcast called “Giving with a Glad Heart”, episode 23, that talked about gift giving; both giving gifts to your kids as well as the kids to each other and it touched on dealing with relatives.  However, when working with a group of young families from my church recently I was taken aback with how much distress grandparents as well as well-meaning aunts and uncles put a damper the notion of gift giving in some families.  My husband and I had parents who were very restrained in their giving so we really never had to deal with what I’m calling the Gift Monster to give a name to the elephant in the room.  In some families it’s big and can really cause a lot of problems that young parents don’t know how to tame.   What am I talking about?  See if you can see your own situation in the following Gift Monster descriptions:
  • The Robber: This is where you feel robbed of being able to give gifts to your own kids due to others wanting to give and taking up the prized items that you would like to be the one to give them.  Grandpa really wants to give them the latest Xbox or a new bike which was exactly what you were planning to do.  Then what are you left with?  Grandpa is doing this out of love so we can’t fault him for that but it just doesn’t feel right, we feel robbed.

  • The Pressure Cooker:  This Monster wants to pressure you into coming up with lists of things your kids need.  Holidays are enough pressure with travel and parties and shopping that having relatives bugging us for detailed lists can stress some of us out.  Some of you are great at making those lists but some of us aren’t and it adds to holiday stress not to mention the predicament that your kids might not need much and you have to make up gifts just to have something on a list.

  • The Gift Mix Up: This is where the person who gives the gifts isn’t a person anymore in the eyes of our kids, they get mixed up that there’s a person behind the gifting who loves them.  The relationship is one only based in gifts, not in a relationship with the giver.  If grandma always arrives with a gift, grandma thinks she’s getting love when those eyes light up but as kids get older and entitlement creeps in, and if the gifts stop or aren’t the ones expected then people like Grandma can be really hurt. 

  • The Family Values Victim:  You know the times when someone gives your kids a gift that you and your spouse have banned from your home due to family value choices?  Some of us decide that eco-friendly goods, non-branded toys or gender-neutral toys are what we want for our kids.  Or maybe we don’t want to introduce certain electronic devices into our kids’ lives until a certain age.  Our values can fall victim to well-meaning relatives who just want so show their love with the latest and greatest amazing toy or device that just became available.  They’ve waited in line for hours just to get the first Xbox or iPhone or whatever out of LOVE for you and your kids.  How can you say no when they show up with such a sacrificial gift? 

  • Creativity Criminal: Studies that show how too many toys harms creativity in kids.  I’ll include some links to articles from Psychology Today and Today’s Parent. The articles remind me how one of my sons always wanted yet-another-Lego-set.  He had plenty of Lego bricks but those sets are so alluring to a kid, why create when you can just build something beautiful based on a plan laid out for you?  Good job for the Lego company, not so good for creativity.  We need a few empty boxes with some markers and scissors once in a while, don’t we?

  • Numbness St. Nick:   One story I read about was an adorable little girl who was numb from opening up so many gifts at Christmas with all the relatives sitting around watching for her reaction.  She’d smile like a robot and say thanks to put aside that present and move to the next present.  Last Christmas I got to spend with some extended family and see grandkids opening their third set of gifts for the day.  While it was exciting, there were only one or two gifts the kids really paid attention to. 

  • Entitlement Enemy: Over time this Gift Monster can create mini monsters out of our kids.  Feelings of entitlement can start to ooze out when they don’t get exactly what they want.  Hopefully that won’t be you but, over time, it’s a possible long-term unwanted outcome.

  • Clutter King: The last “gift” our Gift Monster leaves for us is a home littered with stuff.  This leads many of us to design special storage systems to sort different types of items and make regular runs to Salvation Army and Good Will.  Our relatives mean well but do they have any idea where we’ll put all this stuff!
    ​
Did you see your life being consumed by any of those Gift Monsters?  If so, listen on to what can you do.  Now that you’ve named your Gift Monster, how do you tame it? 

SOLUTIONS


HAVE A CONVERSATION IN A FAMILY MEETING:
First and foremost, you need have a conversation to set boundaries.  Just like you do with your kids, I’m going to suggest holding a Family Meeting with Relatives. 
In this case, you’re going to flip the audience from your kids to your parents or your spouse’s parents, feel free to include any other relatives that need reigning in. 
  • If both sets of parents are needing boundaries you can arrange for one meeting but it might be two different meetings, or more meetings if there are divorced parents involved.  The point here is not to have a casual conversation with anyone.
  • Take them to lunch or dinner if they’re local.  Hire a babysitter to give you dedicated time to talk or have your spouse watch the kids while you go out if you can’t afford one.  Be in a public place if you have a feeling they might over react.  People usually are more restrained in public places. 
  • If they are not local then set up a Zoom call or phone call after your kids are in bed. 
  • You and your spouse should spend a few minutes drafting up some talking points especially if you think you’re going to get a bunch of push back.
 
DEFINE THE PROBLEM
At the meeting…
  • Rule #1 – make sure you let all your gift givers know they are loved and appreciated!  They are special and you need to treat them with as much care as you possibly can.
  • Explain your challenges with the Gift Monster in your life to them, whichever one is plaguing you whether it’s the Clutter King, Creativity Criminal or Numbness St. Nick.
  • You need to communicate what the “problem” is. It might sound something like: “Our kids are learning that the world is made of material things.  We want them to learn to love you as people through time and attention, not things.  Gift giving has gotten out of control and we need your help in reigning things in.” 
 
SET CLEAR AND FIRM BOUNDARIES
  • Have some ideas about what you’d like to have done so that there are CHOICES.  Have them pick and choose and compromise for what can work in your situation.  It might look like:
    • Only experience gifts like movie passes, tickets to the zoo, annual passes to a children’s museum or water park
      • I want to confess my strong bias for giving the gift of time.  There’s nothing like a date with grandma and grandpa for relationship building especially if some special activity is involved. 
    • Gifts of lessons – swimming, art, dance, piano, whatever they’d like to learn
    • Donations to a college fund
    • Coupon book with for sleepovers at Grandmas, a paint-your-nails party at Aunt Linda’s, sand castle building with Grandpa, or riding bikes to get frozen yogurt
    • Books! As many as they want!
    • Or set a limit of how many gifts per child and a physical size limit
    • Or, another favorite that I love for just your immediate family but you might like for grandparents is the FOUR GIFT TRADITION: Something they want, something they need, something to wear, something to read.  Love it!  Four gifts.  Simple.
  • Whichever solution you come up with, you need to be really firm in your boundaries and define consequences.  What might they be?  Here are a few ideas:
 
DEALING WITH BOUNDARY VIOLATORS
  • Feel free to have follow up Family Meetings to clarify when things don’t go as you planned
  • Intercept the Gifts at the door whether it’s holidays or birthdays
  • Open Gifts later instead of in front of the relatives, they can sit under the tree and just wait for everyone to leave
  • Return gifts and put the money into college funds or other savings
 
BOUNDARIES STORIES
I have two amazing young moms who’ve tackled their Gift Monsters head on and they work to this day.
  1. Toy Limit Family – this family lives in a beautiful and natural environment and wanted to promote the outdoors and creativity.  Their family toy rule is that each of their two sons are allowed four toys each.  The relatives can give as many toys as they’d like but for each toy that comes in one goes out to a local shelter.  Ouch.  That’s a tough one especially when my girlfriend was the grandma.  The couple was totally strict about their rule.  Grandma was generous with her time anyway but now she didn’t have the pressure to buy toys and tee shirts on vacation since she knew that it was her time and being creative that was her real gift.  All that I can say is… AMAZING and brave of that family.  Love it!
  2. How Christmas is Celebrated – this young couple knew that boundaries needed to be set when they got married, yes, married.  They told both sets of parents that they will be spending Christmas Eve services at their own church and would always be celebrating in their own home on Christmas morning.  However, they would always be willing to go to visit after that.  My friend said their families thought that was a bit harsh when they didn’t even have kids yet but, 14 years later and with 3 kids, it’s turned out really well.  They definitely make sure both sets of grandparents get equal access, but the firm and loving boundaries and consistency has kept their relations with all relatives really solid.  Communication was the key.
As I finish this podcast with you, I do want to give you some wise words.  Take it slow.  Take in what you’ve learned, work on just one part at a time or one side of the family at a time.  Maybe, for you, it will be to plant a seed for next year that maybe things can be different instead of upsetting the apple cart this year.  It’s all ok.  At least you might know now that you’re not the only one who has a Gift Monster to tame and, hey, you might never tame it but know that there’s empathy and love for having to get through each season.  If you have a story you’d like to tell me about, I’d love to hear about it!  If you want advice, I’m here for you.  Just email me [email protected].

I hope you’ve found some ideas that can help tame your Gift Monsters into loving and warm Gift Angels so that you and your kids can enjoy a lifetime of enchanted moments with all those who love them. 
1 Comment

Podcast 52: Manners - Chewing Food

9/5/2022

1 Comment

 
AUDIO PODCAST HERE

There’s nothing more gross in my mind than sitting and eating with an adult who eats with their mouth open. I had a colleague at work years ago who did it so often it was talked about behind his back and some people avoided having lunch with him.  Yikes!  He was in his late twenties!  I think we all fear that our kids will grow into such food spewing adults who are avoided like the plague but, what do we do?  Some of you have kids who are already tweens or teens which makes the challenge harder but, in this blog post, we’ll go over some ideas on how you can do a course correction no matter what the age.
 
I do have to start out saying that, like just about every parenting issue, the earlier you start the easier things will be in the long run.  Preschool is a great time to start manners training but don’t be discouraged if you have older kids. 

 1 – Talk about it. 
Communicating with your family expectations about any activity you do is really key so put chewing food into that same category.  It’s a Life Skill you need to teach.  You need to explain the both why they need to chew with mouths closed and what that looks like so that everyone is on the same page. 
You can have small discussions with just one child during a meal or, if you feel you haven’t been clear with your entire family, then have a Family Meeting and talk about chewing manners.  Here are some ideas in how to approach chewing food. 
 
  • Start with BASIC SKILLS: Some kids shove too much food in their mouths so practice taking small bites.  Go over what sized pieces are expected for different types of foods.  Include examples of foods you grab with your hands like pizza and apples vs. a bowl of cereal or pasta.  You could give everyone a knife and have them cut whatever it is into bite-sized pieces to make sure the learning is going well. 

  • Next, include some FUN AND GAMES: You can play games where kids earn points, be creative and a little crazy.  When you have fun, learning can really settle in without being a burden.
    • Make a game out of cutting up food into the right bite-sized pieces, use a ruler or other marking system on plates to figure it out
    • How about chewing so many times before swallowing – 5 chews, 10 chews, set different numbers and get feedback to find the ideal number as a family
    • Or, use a timer for keeping track of chewing with the mouth closed for a certain amount of time. Little kids love setting timers so let them set away for each other!  Keep score.
    • You could be brave and have kids purposely try to talk with food in their mouths while they try to hide the food from being seen by others.  See how much food that is, keep track of the sizes that each kid can successfully hide and talk or say some silly nursery rhyme.   
    • You could also do the opposite of trying to hide the food by having everyone stuff a bit too much food in their mouths and try to talk, maybe you’d want to do this at a picnic table in your backyard since it might get messy.  You also want to make sure no one chokes on it by overdoing it so please be careful if you decide to go this route. 
    • I think you get the idea of chewing games so let’s move on. 

  • You can use USE BOOKS: There are actually books to read for younger kids that can help!  Two favorites for toddlers and preschoolers seem to be “How Dinosaurs Eat Their Food” and “Dinner with Olivia”. 

  • Now, my favorite, SET UP SIGNALS: Those of you who follow my podcasts have heard of other examples of setting up signals in your home for things like anger issues.  I love them!  In this case, once you have the basics down decide with your family what signal you all could use when someone is chewing with their mouth open.  It’s wearing on us all to keep saying things verbally like: “Ann, please chew with your mouth closed.” We start out patient and loving but sometimes it pushes us over the edge and we get triggered and wind up with something like: “If you don’t stop chewing with your mouth open, you’re going to your room!”.  So, what signal could you use?  Here are some ideas but keep in mind that choosing as a family is going to be most effective so use these just as idea starters.  
    • You could tap your fork on your plate gently once for child #1, twice for child #2, etc. 
    • Or maybe you tap your hand on the top of your head or tap your nose.  
    • You could also just do something simple like putting your hand over your mouth.
    • Have a small stuffed animal sitting at the table that gets passed to the person needing reminding.
       
  • Whatever you do, CONSISTENCY is super key: Once you’ve communicated and agreed as a family what eating habits are acceptable it’s really important that you follow through.  This will take time and it will be repetitive but you need to keep it loving and kind in addition to being consistent.  Do not give up!

  • Now, for the harder part, having CONSEQUENCES: What do you do if things just aren’t working out for one of your kids?  Maybe you have an older child and they’re just being defiant or spiteful.  Whether your child is young or old you need to agree that there will be consequences for poor eating behaviors.  Possible options include removing the child from the dinner table, making them eat alone or taking away a fun toy or activity.  Listen to my podcast #10 if you need help setting up effective and loving consequences.  You might also listen to my last podcast #51 about dealing with kids who drain your energy if the issue persists.

  • Lastly, there could be MEDICAL ISSUES involved:  I don’t want to leave this topic without covering one more thing about chewing and open mouths.  Some kids have real breathing issues that make it difficult to chew.  They could have overgrown adenoids or tonsils, inflammation of the epiglottis or a throat infection that interfere with chewing.  Toddlers and preschoolers probably fall into this more than older kids but have your pediatrician take a look.
    ​
I hope you found this discussion useful and hopefully you can see how a lot of these can be applied to any table manners you’re struggling with – using utensils, leaning back on chairs, reaching too far across the table and spilling things, not clearing the table, whatever.  You need to establish some family guidelines and then follow through in a loving manner. 
1 Comment

Podcast 47: Manners Lesson #1 – Please

4/5/2022

2 Comments

 
AUDIO PODCAST HERE:  Episode 47

A few months ago, I asked my FB group what areas they needed help with in the manners department.  I was thinking of the “please” and “thank you” kind of manners, you know the ones that included sending thank yous to people who gave you gifts.  However, I got a whole list of ones that weren’t even in my brain any more now that my boys are grown and out of the house.  The parents sent in all sorts of requests:
  • How to handle interruptions (this was the most requested one!)
  • How to get kids to say please and thank you for meals
  • Using “excuse me” when interrupting
  • Dealing with table manners including the “eating with your mouth open” offense
Yikes!  I thought this would be a breeze of a podcast.  Well, it’s clearly a larger topic than I’d anticipated so I’ve decided to do a series of podcasts on manners so that I can delve deep and you can pick and choose the areas that you need most help on so here goes!
 
The basics of manners is about teaching kindness and thoughtfulness of others, to allow our kids to see outside their often times very selfish world.  Our mission as parents is to grow our children into people who are thoughtful, respectful and conscientious and manners are part of our responsibility in getting them there.   This first lesson is about how to instill one of those foundational magic words into your kids – “please”.
 
PLEASE
How do you incorporate “please” into your family?  Here are my ideas:
  • Start young: I would very start young.  There’s baby sign language for please.  If you have a small baby, use it!  You can do a google search and find lots of resources for it. 
  • With Older Kids Set Family Rule: A lot of you know that I think communication is really helpful and I love Family Meetings for doing that.  If you have been struggling with “please” and other manners, hold a Family Meeting.  It should be short and sweet.  I wouldn’t lecture but I’d make a short statement about how in our home we treat each other with respect and using “please” and “thank you” are pillars of respect.  Let them know how you’re going to start by encouraging the use of “please” in a consistent manner. Ask your kids what they think, listen to their feedback and you can schedule more meetings as you move through different manners. 
  • Practice! What does the dialog sound like? Well, in my home my routine was, when asked without a “please”, I would nicely say “And how do you say that nicely?”  Then, if the child just said: “Please.” I would then say: “How do you say that in a full sentence?” I not only required this of my own boys but also their friends who were over constantly.  I was even handed, not forcing just my own boys but the boys they were playing with to treat me with respect. 
    • Using a full sentence request
      • Mrs. Eschen, can I have some gold fish?
      • Sure, and how do you say that nicely?
      • Please
      • Nice try, how do you say that in a full sentence?
      • Please can I have some gold fish?
      • Of course, here they are. 
    • “Excuse me?” One mom when asked for something without manners set up a signal for her kids and that was: “Excuse me?”
      • Mom, I need to go to the store to get poster paper for tomorrow! 
      • Her reply was:  Excuse me?
      • Mom, may we please go to the store to get poster paper for my project for tomorrow?
  • Upgrade for Older Kids: As your child gets older you can incorporate “may I please” into your phrasing to upgrade their speech into a more formal and respectful tone. So, in our example it would be “May I please have some goldfish?” or “Please may I have some goldfish?”.  You get the idea. It’s subtle but certainly an upgrade.  Have a Family Meeting to talk about the need for an upgrade.  Keep explaining that this is a Life Skill you are teaching, not a method of getting them to submit to our will for no apparent reason.  People want to be with people who treat them with respect, that’s why we’re upgrading.  It’s practice for life!
  • Role Play: I gave you some examples already but I think that the use of role playing can be incorporated to hone your family’s skills while having some fun.  Learning should be fun so put on your thinking caps and even incorporate your kids into the brainstorming of how to do that if you can.  One idea might be to set up a special dinner with special plates and lots of different dishes on the table that have to be passed around.  Then practice while you eat!  “John, may I please have the rice.” “Andrea, please pass the mac and cheese.” Over exaggerate the whole meal!   Maybe you have a special “Please” Meal once a week for a while?  Maybe you have a “Please” Breakfast on the weekend?  Or a “Please” Game night where you have to ask for the dice nicely each time.  Come up with a few ideas and try them out. 
  • Consistency is Key: What can make all this work? Consistency!  Yep, I said it took 10 years and I’m not kidding.  I was loving and kind.  I didn’t nag.  I didn’t lecture.  I just waited for the correct response and then, and only then, did they receive what they were asking for. 
  • Model What You Want to See: Modeling the behavior you want to see is hugely beneficial to your quest for any behavior but especially in the area of respect and manners.  You being kind and using “please” will complete the loop.  Your kids notice what you do.  They are little sponges.  They will know if you are sincere and true to this quest for good manners.  Be it.  Live it.  Because, if you don’t, by the time your kids are tweens or teens you’d be amazed at how they seem to join the Hypocrite Police and will start throwing your poor manners right back at you.
  • Leverage The Please: Keep in mind that you have leverage with “please” since it happens BEFORE something your kids want.  If your kids want something it means you have currency to trade.  If it’s help with math or washing their favorite pair of jeans or playing a game, you know their brain is in an open mindset to listen since they want something from you.  Seize the day!  Ask for the please and you’ll get it. 
  • Other Ways to Give Kids Feedback: I just wanted to throw out a few other ideas for how to request the “please” in your home, just for variety.  Remember to always use a loving and gentle tone:
    • You’re missing the magic word
    • What’s that magic word again?
    • I can’t hear you when you ask like that.
    • Lastly, if they ask rudely for something give them a choice, you know how I love choices too, they can ask nicely or encourage them to solve their own problem if they don’t want to.  For example, if they say “I need some milk!”, your reply might sound like: “You can ask for it politely or try to get it on your own.”  Just make sure if they are sassy back at you and say things like “You never help me!” that you just give them love and not start an argument about their poor attitude.  A simple reply of: “Hmm… that’s sad.  Any what did I say?”  Then go listen to podcast #41 on Disrespect to remember what to do about that sassiness. 
 
2 Comments

Podcast 43: Siblings Who Hate Each Other - What to Do

1/12/2022

2 Comments

 
AUDIO PODCAST HERE:  Episode 43

What do you do when you have two or more children who just don’t get along?  I mean they really can’t stand each other.  They’ll even say to each other that they hate each other?  I’ve had many parents over the years ask me how they can help their children love each other or at the very least tolerate each other.
 
Well, it’s a tough question. 

I just want to make two observations about siblings who don’t get along:
 
First, IT’S NORMAL AND DRAINING on the whole family
Siblings not getting along is very normal and I mean VERY normal.  There’s no one in the world who can get in your face more than a sibling can.  Whether it’s a younger brother getting into an older brother’s prized Yu-Gi-Oh card collection or an older sister’s jealousy of a younger sister’s popularity at school; they are enough to just really get under a kid’s skin.  It creates plenty of whining, screaming and crying for moms and dads to deal with.  It can lead to kids declaring that they hate each other and will sabotage every family experience as a result.
  • Mooom!  She’s in my room!  Get her out of here!  (followed by lots of yelling and door slamming, maybe a punch or a kick)
  • Daaaad! Danny is so stupid!  I hate it when he plays games with us! He’s so dumb!
  • Mooom! He ate my goodie bag candy!  He’s so fat he shouldn’t be allowed to live!
  • In my house growing up we’d get mad at a sibling for breathing air
  • And it goes on and on….
Their angst drags us and our whole family down the drain, the energy drain!  You can’t take a hike or a drive in the car without a fight erupting.  You for sure can’t have a family meal in peace. 
 
Next observation, Sibling issues are FULL OF LIFE LESSONS
As adults, in our lifetimes we’ve run into people we don’t like and we’ve had to learn how to get along with them. In your child’s future is an annoying coworker or a demanding and demeaning boss.  Our kids need to have opportunities to learn and refine their people skills and siblings are perfect practice targets.  They keep coming at you over and over until you get it right.  They don’t just go away so there’s a ton of opportunity to practice how to get along! The trick as parents is how to get them to learn these precious life lessons. 
 
That leads me to our next phase – possible solutions!  I have three ideas for you to try in your home. 
 
IDEA #1:  Set BOUNDARIES using Family Meetings
I grew up in a Christian household and was always reminded of the Golden Rule – do unto others as you would have done unto you.  How did I know this rule?  My parents taught it to me.  My parents enforced it.  It’s a pretty good rule and really boils down to how parents need to set boundaries on behaviors in our households.  If your kids are mistreating each other then it’s time to sit everyone down and set up some Family Respect Rules then tackle some specific areas in the same manner.

FIRST MEETING – Set Family Respect Rules
In the very first meeting you’d facilitate a discussion of what the Family Rules around respect and behavior toward each other should be.  ASK your kids and spouse for input.  It might include things like:
  • No one can come in your room without permission
  • You must treat each other with respect
  • If you can’t talk in a civil tone you cannot talk for 15 minutes
  • No one can touch your toys without permission
  • If someone isn’t home you still can’t touch their toys without permission
  • No calling each other names
 
You also have to have consequences to go with the new rules.  Ask for input on that too.  I love choices so I’d try to make sure the kids have choices to choose from.  It might look something like… IF ANYONE BREAKS A FAMILY RESPECT RULE, they can choose one of the following:
  • Offenders will play the “Love Game”, this is where offending children have to sit and hold hands.  Then they say five positive things about each other.  Lastly, they hug and forgive each other. 
  • Offenders will play together for 15 minutes, really play not just watch a movie
  • Offenders can do an extra job on Mom’s Job List (you can use my Energy Drain List if you need ideas!)
 
If you have kids who refuse to sit down for a Family Meeting then you need to set up a consequence for their non-participation.  The old: “I allow kids to … go to the movies who’ve participated in our Family Meeting” will come into play.  If you need more ideas about setting consequences listen to episode 10.
 
 
SECOND MEETING – Tackle Specific Areas of Tension
Once you set up the basic Respect Rules you can move on to the next phase of Family Meetings.  Pick one situation where your kids really drive each other crazy and try to clean that up.  Take, for instance, driving in the car.  Have a family meeting about "How to Have a Peaceful Drive in the Car".  You ask for suggestions about what could make the drive calm keeping in mind the new Family Respect Rules.  Take any and all suggestions! 
 
Some might wind up being:
· have brother put a sock in his mouth
· sister puts on headphones and listens to music while we drive
· brother plays the license plate game with mom as they drive
· everyone eats popcorn
· sister wears a bag over her head
· brother sits in the middle row and sister sits in the very back of the car (this assumes you have a car that has 3 rows). Sister might be sitting shotgun right now since she's pretty old but maybe moving her to another location can help. 
· brother brings books to read in the car and wears headphones to do a read-along with a book
· drive kids separately to school and charge each kid for the driving time ($2 per mile?)
· no talking while we drive, sister picks the music to play in the car one day, brother picks the next day, any complaining and the opposite child gets two days in a row to pick music.
 
I think you get the idea, make a long list.  Have weird things on the list like the bag over the head.
 
Next, pick a few to TRY for a week.  Yep, just TRY.  Don't make anything permanent.  Keep the full list around.
 
Next, schedule the NEXT Family Meeting.  At that meeting go over if things worked or didn't work.  What would they like to keep doing and what would they like to experiment with next week?  Change things up, try new things then HAVE ANOTHER MEETING and keep having them each week until this one problem is sufficiently solved.  That you can drive in the car peacefully.  THEN move on to another area where there is disharmony and do the same with it.  Maybe that next area is dinner time?  Or maybe getting ready for bed?  
 
Whatever issues are happening it's best to use a format where everyone can communicate and feel they have input to the solution.  It helps get buy-in for having the solution work when people feel heard. Listen to Episode 17 if you want some more examples of Family Meetings.
 
IDEA #2 - Special Time/Connection Time
Each child needs to feel listened to.  They need to know they are loved unconditionally.  Sometimes sibling strife comes about when they have issues that aren’t being paid attention to.  You need to divide and conquer and make sure YOUR connection to each child is solid. 
 
Create some special time for each of your kids who aren’t getting along to be with just one parent at a time.  Do something each child likes to do even if it's not your favorite thing.  For a teen or tween maybe going for boba tea or Starbucks. For a younger child it might be building Legos or playing Barbies.  Just BE with them.  Let them relax so you can chat and connect.  NO LECTURES!  If you need longer connecting time maybe you go paint pottery together or take a hike.  Maybe drive to San Francisco to some special event or store?  For me, I took my son out for lunch at a casual sit-down place and we played cards.  It kept us off our phones and let us just casually chat. 
 
Once you feel you have a solid connection then you can set an intention of a topic that you want to talk about and get feedback on sibling issues.  If your relationship is rocky, however, your discussions will always be difficult and you’ll probably be rebuffed so keep your main focus on building that solid relationship foundation.
 
IDEA #3 - Love Languages
In podcast Episode #33 I interviewed two experts on Love Languages.  God made us all different and we all feel loved and valued in different ways but we often go through life having no idea of how the people in our families best feel loved which can lead to a lot of sibling fighting.  I can’t recommend enough having each person in your family go through the simple quiz to find out how they feel loved.  It can be very powerful in helping kids get along.  A daughter might learn that her brother needs to feel love from her in special ways so that he can calm down and be relaxed.  Little brother can also learn why big sister likes to have feedback differently than he likes it.  In the episode the two women do a really nice job of explaining how it helped their families.  
 
When I write a podcast or blog, I always surf the internet for additional resources.  This time I found a really helpful one from Pint-Sized Treasures.  Allison Wood is an amazing mom of 6 who explains some more of these ideas including the Love Game I mentioned earlier in her article “What to Do When Your Kids Hate Each Other”.  I’m going to put a link to her article in the podcast notes in addition to a link to my Sibling Rivalry podcast episode #9 in case you haven’t had a chance to listen to that.
 
One last thought, sibling relationships that go sour in adulthood often have their roots in childhood.  Make sure you’re not pitting your kids against each other for your love and attention and favoring one child more than another.  I grew up in a house with 12 kids who were close together in age.  Yep, 12.   It is overwhelming to think of the battles that we fought with each other during our years growing up.  Our parents were pretty even handed though.  One of my older sisters who picked on me constantly helped me to be quick-witted and be able to stand up to people who might verbally try to push me in directions I didn’t want to go.  She toughened me up!  I hated her at the time for it since she was so mean but once we moved into adulthood, we gradually became very good friends.  There is hope for your children who aren’t getting along but you need to steer the ship in the right direction.  I hope some of these ideas might work for you.  Write me and let me know! [email protected].
2 Comments

Podcast 41 – Dealing with Disrespect

11/15/2021

1 Comment

 
PODCAST LINK HERE

What do you when your child disrespects you?  You know, when they roll their eyes or huff something under their breath?  Does it get right under your skin?  Make you just want to jump down your kid’s throat and make them take it back?  They don’t appreciate anything you do so you might as well take away their electronics or send them to bed early to make them pay for such disrespect, right?  You’re just not going to put up with such behavior! 
 
Does that sound like you?  Ugh… it’s a tough place for a parent to be in.  Hopefully this podcast will help.
 
I want to dive into disrespect with you.  What it is and how to get it under control with the hopes of getting into our child’s heart to make a difference in the long run. 
 
The truth is, disrespectful behavior is one of the inappropriate ways kids, especially teenagers but not limited to teens, try to solve their problems. Kids can feel powerless in the face of rules and expectations and talking back and showing disrespect is one way they try to take some power back. If they can drag you into an argument, that’s even better: Now you’re arguing about respect instead of focusing on their curfew or their homework or cleaning up their toys!

As parents, we definitely need to teach our children how to treat others with kindness, and how to communicate big feelings without being disrespectful.

Unfortunately, we cannot teach them to be respectful in the heat of the moment.
If you ask your kids about why they’re being disrespectful, they usually say that it’s because they are angry. Someone, and it’s usually you, hurt them. So, out of instinct, they want to hurt you back.

What can we do then?  Here are some ideas to help deal with disrespect in a thoughtful and respectful manner. 

1. Avoid the Fight in the Moment
When genuinely being disrespected, we should pay attention to the circumstance instead of yelling at the child, “You are being disrespectful!”

You as a parent are upset. You are called names and they hurt.

To teach respect, first, we need to stay calm and stay in control. Identify if this is a real “disrespect” situation, a misunderstanding, tantrum, or simply because the child hasn’t learned the proper response in such a situation.

You may see these words as signs your child doesn’t respect you. But what is the child’s intention when they say those mean words?

It is usually not malicious because kids (and grownups) cannot think straight when they are angry, they’re in fight-or-flight mode. They just reflexively want to fight back to protect themselves and, in this case, they use hurtful words to do so.

I know you WANT to deal with it right then and there.

But, once your child is angry, disappointed, frustrated, or upset, the thinking part of their brain has shut down. They are in survival mode. Their body is flooded with emotions and they are not able to hear and process the lessons you might want to teach.

I also know you HATE being disrespected.

But, if you are triggered by their disrespectful behavior, your brain goes into fight-or-flight mode too. You are not able to think rationally. Your responses will either be filled with anger, yelling and punishment or you will shut down and give up.

We can’t teach our kids to be respectful by treating them with disrespect so you need to slow down and let the emotion pass.  Deal with disrespect when there’s no emotion present.  For some that will be a few hours later, for others it could be a few days.

We’re going to look for a moment when our child is calm and we can sincerely say “Hey, you know the other day you called me a mean mom and said you hated me?  That really hurt my feelings.  I need you to know that I love you and that really bothered me. Can we talk about it?  Maybe think of other ways to tell me how you’re feeling?”  If you’ve waited for the right moment hopefully, you’ll be able to clear the air as to why they were so upset and have a talk about how to communicate better in the future. 

But, let’s go over a few more ideas since staying calm might be hard for some of you.

What else can we do?

2. Use Family Meetings
If you have major respect issues going on in your household, it’s probably a sign that there’s not enough communication about expectations and consequences.  I want you to sit down with your family and brainstorm a plan about how you’re going to be more respectful.  For those of you who listen to my podcast regularly this is what I call a Family Meeting.  In your meeting I want you to model for your family how to use words in positive ways to allow for opinions to be expressed.  This wouldn’t be a meeting where mom and dad lay down the law but one where everyone can give input about what is frustrating them and causing them to be disrespectful.  It’s the triggers that lead to disrespect that we have to eliminate to help create more respect.  What do I mean?  Let’s say my son was supposed to be cleaning his room but was playing on his gaming system instead. This all leads to me taking away his gaming controller and him yelling at me very disrespectfully that I’m so stupid and how I’m ruining his life. 

If I were to use a Family Meeting here it would be about the trigger for the disrespect – not cleaning his room -- along with how he and I need to communicate in the future when chores aren’t being done. We might decide how I would approach him next time when he’s playing a game to get his attention, like tapping him on the shoulder and waiting a specified amount of time for him to pause. After our meeting the next time his chores aren’t done, if our agreed upon method doesn’t work then we’re going to have a follow-up Family Meeting. We need to figure out how to tweak what we’ve laid out, maybe it would be setting which hours he can play or delaying any play until his chores are done.  All of this is going to be an iterative process, but it should lead to the disrespect quotient in your family being significantly lessened. 

If we as a family can train ourselves to look for communication solutions when we have disrespectful bumps in the road that happen, we can have a lot more respect for each other in the long run.  But we have to have those Family Meetings to get some real solutions going and we need to keep having them when new issues arise.  If you want more information about Family Meetings listen to podcast episode #17.

3. Don’t Take Everything Personally or Overreact
Pretty much every teenager pokes relentlessly at their parents, expressing their frustrations in various ways. Again, this isn’t limited to teens, kids of any age can do this.  Eye rolling, scoffing, smirking, little kids might even spit or kick you – those are all tools in their arsenal that convey their disregard. And as we all know; those irritating behaviors can get under our skin. Kids are looking for those weak spots, those places where they can drag us into defending ourselves and our rules.

If we take it personally, it’s going to be hard to respond effectively. If we react to every single one of those behaviors, we’re not likely to see any change in our kids. While these things are annoying, they aren’t something to correct in the moment.

We need to decide which behaviors we’re going to focus on, and which we can ignore using what Love and Logic calls “going braindead”. Remember that those mildly irritating behaviors aren’t about us, they’re simply an expression of frustration by our child. Our role is to deal with our child’s behavior as objectively as possible. It doesn’t mean we won’t be irritated. Let it go and ignore it so we can stay focused on the topic at hand. 

Ignoring is about refusing to let our child's disrespect derail us from the task at hand. If we tell our child to take out the trash and they roll their eyes, don't engage in a lengthy argument over the disrespectful eye rolling. Each minute we spend in a power struggle is 60 seconds they'll put off taking out the trash.
 
If eye-rolling is a common problem, we should address the issue at a later time when both of us are calm just like I said before. Again, say something like, "Earlier today when I told asked you to take out the trash, you rolled your eyes. Are you aware that you do that when you're mad? It really makes me feel disrespected.  Can we think of something different you can do when you’re feeling frustrated with me?" 

4. Model respect 
If we value respect, model respectful behavior. We need to do our best to show them the way it should be done.  Make sure we’re treating our spouse, our boss, our neighbors, and others with respect.  We don’t have to agree with everyone, but we need to model for our kids that everyone deserves to be respected.  In our current political situation, it’s easy to disrespect someone who has a different opinion.  Model that opinions for different people are different and it’s ok.  
 
5. Don’t Take Our Child’s Side
Wait, what? What does “taking our child’s side” have to do with disrespectful behavior?
Let’s say our child complains about how much homework he has, calling the teacher names and generally being disrespectful toward her. We might agree that this particular teacher does give too much homework.
If we take our child’s side in this case, we might say we agree that we think the teacher is stupid, and that she’s doing a terrible job. The message our child hears is: if we think someone is wrong, then we have a right to be rude.

The truth is, neither of us has to agree with someone to treat them respectfully. Even if we think the teacher (or the coach, or the boss, etc.) is wrong, we need to let our child know that regardless of how they feel, they still need to find a way to act appropriately.

One benefit of this approach is that our children will most likely encounter plenty of people in their adult life they disagree with. Help them learn the skills they need to handle those disagreements calmly and appropriately.

6. Don’t Demand Respect
“I am your parent and you have to respect me!” Does that sound familiar? A lot of parents ask me, “How can I get my child to respect me?” You can’t demand respect, but you can require that your child acts respectfully, no matter how they feel about the situation.

“You don’t have to like the rule, but you do have to comply with it. Just because you’re irritated doesn’t mean you get to call me names.”

Remember, stay focused on the behavior, and leave the feelings alone. The irony is that, in the long run, your child will respect you more if you remain calm and enforce your rules consistently.

7. Respect Their Choices
It is ridiculous how some parents want to have complete control over their child’s behavior and preferences.  If you want your child to respect you, start with respecting their choices.

Everyone has their own preferences. As much as you want your child to be a mini-me and like exactly the same things you do, they are most likely not going to. Your child has their own likings. If you don’t like what they want, you should explain your rationale. But ultimately, they have to learn to make decisions for themselves. As long as their choice is not a danger to safety or health, is not (too) financially consuming and does not hurt others, you need to honor it.

That is why you need to let them make their own choices in things such as what they wear or what homework they do in what order. A child could end up going to school wearing mismatched socks or coloring outside the lines. Every person has the right to think independently and like different things. That should include children.
When children’s differences are accepted, they feel heard and respected. They see first-hand, through your modeling, how to treat others who have different opinions. They learn that they should respect people despite their differences.

When the teenage years come, this understanding and tolerance for differences is how to get your teenager to respect you. That’s when everything Mom and Dad say will sound stupid to them. You want your teenager to know how to tolerate differences and still respect and appreciate you!

8. Use Restitution
If your child or teen behaves in a disrespectful manner, restitution may be necessary to discourage it from happening again. You might have your child help the offended person by doing their chores for the day or some other special service.  Just forcing them to say “I’m sorry” doesn’t really work well in getting to the heart of the offense.  I have a podcast episode #35 on How to Teach Kids to Apologize that has a lot more detail about what to do if you need help in this area.

I know this is a lot to absorb and I really feel for you if you feel disrespected in your home after all the work you put into your family.  I hope things like staying calm, using Family Meetings and the other ideas in this podcast will help you in your journey.  It will take effort to bring things respect into focus but it is possible and you’re the key to unlocking respect in your home. 
1 Comment

Podcast 40 - It's Not Fair! How to Deal with Fairness

10/21/2021

0 Comments

 
PODCAST LINK HERE

Life isn’t fair it never has been.  How we deal with life is what matters.  Our children are given to us for a short t
ime and our job is to train them in the ways of the world.  One of those lessons for all of us as parents will be that:  Life isn’t fair. If we try to make things fair or feel guilty when our kids yell at us “That isn’t fair” and second guess ourselves with “Was I being fair?  Or was that unfair?” We run the risk of trying to give our kids the misimpression that life is supposed to be fair.  It’s not.  It never will be.  It’s how we react to fair or unfair that shows our character and allows us to be human and unique. 

What would be better to impress on our children would be that fairness means everyone gets the things they need, not that everyone gets the same things.
 
Fairness areas
There seem to be a few areas which trigger the “It’s not fair!” alarm on a regular basis in our kids:
  • Between Siblings
One gets invited to a birthday party and the other doesn’t and then the first one comes home with a goodie bag.  It has toys and cookies and candy that the older sibling wants and he’s mad and yells “It’s not fair!”  Ugh!
An older sibling gets to stay out late while the younger must stay home with mom and dad.  “It’s not fair!”
Or how about a younger sibling gets to do something that an older sibling was forbidden to do at same age.  One friend of mine remembers she wasn’t allowed to shave her legs until she was in 9th grade but her younger sister was allowed to in 7th.  “It’s not fair!”  I remember my little sister got to pierce her ears at 14 when sisters and I had to wait until 16.  That was so unfair!
 
  • Between classmates/school/outside of home
            Someone makes the team when you don’t
            Someone wins a prize, gets the good teacher, is more popular
 
 
  • Between kids and parents
            Mom getting a kombucha
            Parents having phones or computers and not kids
            Parents getting to have access to the Wi-Fi all the time but the kids accounts are shut off at 8pm
 
  • Between kids and the world
Some kids are targeted by race, religion, or physical ailment
Some kids don’t have enough money to live
There is pollution and poverty and injustice and climate problems
Most of that is just not fair at all. 
 
 
What can you do as a parent?
  • Allow for emotions and disappointment. We want to practice empathy with them.  “Wow, I know it’s hard not to get invited to a party when your brother does.  That makes you so sad.  I’m sorry.”  Or, “Gee, your best friend just make the All-Stars baseball team and you didn’t.  That’s so sad.  I’m sorry.”  There’s no need to sugar coat it, just let it be there.  Let them know they are still loved despite a disappointment. My kombucha mom needs to just say, “Yeah, it’s hard when mom gets something that you don’t.  So sorry about that.”

  • Some of us will need to go Brain Dead so that we don’t get sucked into an argument after giving empathy.  You just stay silent and say short phrases like “I knowwwww….” Or “Nice try….”

  • Help them have empathy for others who aren’t as fortunate.  This is hard to teach them at times.  I know it probably took me until I was in college that I was able realize that I could cheer on my siblings instead of being disappointed that I didn’t get to do something.  We need to help them cheer for each other, not just compete. 

  • Love them no matter what, teach them they are unique and although life isn’t always fair, they are loved and amazing in unique ways

  • Avoid labeling and comparing your kids to each other, even positive labels as they can create a level of unfairness that you can’t even detect.  When parents say: “Why can’t you behave like your brother?” Or, “Why are you so messy all the time, why can’t you be neat like your sister?” Or any of the thousands of comparisons we can make about our unique children.  Your kids might be messy or have trouble staying at the table but that’s on them, not on their siblings.

Gina Horne in her blog called MomsLifeBoat has some great ideas about what to tell your kids when they are in the “It’s not fair!” funk.  A lot of this list is like what we do on the parents list I just went over.
  • Let them know it’s OK to express their emotions.  (God gave us these emotions and we shouldn’t be ashamed to express them.  You can be angry, but you cannot take your anger out on others.  You can cry but you cannot dwell in self-pity.  Be happy but do not be boastful.)
  • Encourage them to always give praise whether they are on the upside or the downside.  (I made the All Stars, but my brother didn’t.  I thought for sure he would have made it, he was awesome at tryouts) or (Congrats bro, I’m bummed I didn’t make it but I’m glad one of us did!)
  • Help them to continue on with life.  (Embrace the now! Enjoy the adventure and/or create new ones.)
  • Have them lead by Example.  (People will remember how you act when disappointments or victories happen.  Do it with grace and humility.)
  • Support them in learning from this opportunity.  (Don’t look at this opportunity as if you’ve failed.  The only failure you will have is if you give up!)

I was recently working with a family that has four kids and one of the kids was the “It’s not fair!” guy.  It almost didn’t matter what was happening, if he didn’t like it his response was “It’s not fair!”  We decided, for that child, he was using that phrase to get a rise out of mom and dad because he was just so frustrated so often.  It was time to have a one-on-one meeting with him to talk about other things he might be able to do when he was frustrated.  They needed to take time to listen to him and come up with a plan for how to communicate more effectively if he was frustrated since “It’s not fair” wasn’t getting him where he’d like to be.  They needed to make it a problem-solving experience instead of the aggravating experience that he was creating by always shouting “It’s not fair”. 

For those of you who have two or more kids I’d love to suggest an experiment that’s based on a second-grade teacher’s innovative lesson on fairness.  Shawna Peryea from the blog Caffeinated and Creative created this lesson that I’ll call the BandAid Experiment:
  • First, make up a bunch of note cards with medical ailments each on a separate card
    • Paper cut, skinned knee, broken leg, appendix burst, fever, car accident with a head injury, bee sting, whatever else you’d like
  • Give everyone in your family an ailment card or maybe two or three depending on your family size
  • Have each person describe their ailments and discuss the degree of severity of each
  • Then hand out Band-Aids to each person, just the small 1-inch kind
  • Go around the table and ask if the Band-Aid will fix their ailment, make special note of the ones that will NOT be fixed with a Band-Aid
  • As you finish the round ask if it’s fair that everyone got a Band-Aid. Is that what they’d want?  Ask them each what they’d want if the Band-aid didn’t help them.  Was it more or less?  
  • The point is to teach that just because everyone got a band aid and it seemed fair, it didn’t help everyone. What would actually be fair is if the ailments were actually cured. Each person is unique, just like ailments.  We need different things but want to end up at the same place feeling loved and supported for the unique people we are.  You can also modify this to give everyone but one child a band aid and discuss how they felt not receiving one.
 
The human experience isn’t about fairness. It’s about uniqueness.

It isn’t about making things equal all the time, but it’s about making them beautiful despite the fact that they aren’t equal. It isn’t about comparing what we have to what someone else has, but instead, it’s about finding a way to be happy with what life has given each of us: Our own unique experience to grow from. 

So, next time your child stomps their feet at you to declare, “It’s not fair!” sit them down and say, “You’re absolutely right. It’s NOT fair.

But, that doesn’t mean I don’t love you.

It just means that you are going to learn different things than other kids at different times.

Adelle Gabrielson wrote so eloquently about teaching fairness to our kids on her blog An Illuminated Life. It’s one of those philosophical parenting quotes that I want to memorize:

This is not a lesson I want you to learn after you’ve left the shelter of my home and heart, out in the big world all alone. The world will hurt you, and if you expect it to be fair, you will suffer more. Don’t expect fairness, do not seek it. Instead, seek grace. Be grateful when you are on the upside, be patient when you are on the down, be compassionate and generous when you see others who deserve more but have less.
 
I hope you’ve gained some perspective to get a handle around the “It’s not fair!” issues with your kids.  Personally, I think empathy and patience are probably the biggest helpers.  Along with reminding ourselves that our job as parents isn’t to make life fair all the time.

If you need help and encouragement, feel free to contact me.  My mission, as most of you know, is to help parents feel supported and encouraged.  Send email to [email protected] or join my Facebook Group, Parenting Decoded and let me know how I can help you and your family.  There is a transcript available of this podcast that is listed in the podcast notes in case you need it. I’m also available for one-on-one coaching.
0 Comments

Podcast 39 – Bad Teachers: How to Deal With Them

9/1/2021

0 Comments

 
PODCAST LINK HERE

Would you like to know how to deal with your child getting a bad teacher? Having a bad teacher can feel like a prison sentence for the whole family. Sadly, there is nothing you can do about it immediately but hope for the best.
What makes it worse is when every other parent in the class starts complaining after the first day of school because they know what it is going to be like for the next nine months. Most of us know that it’s almost impossible to change classes once a class list is set which is part of the reason most schools that I know don’t post their class lists until a day or two before school starts each year.  But what can you do to make the most out of the situation?
 
In this article I want to talk about a few things.  First, what do bad teachers look like?  How do they behave? Next, what can you do about it as a parent and, lastly, what can your child do about making it through the year in once piece having learned what they need to.  That’s a lot to cover so let’s dive in. 
 
First, there seem to be three kinds of bad teachers: Fluffy, Boring and Mean
  1. What’s a Fluffy teacher?
    • These are the ones that often show movies or tell personal stories, getting off topic. Often times they are super nice human beings but just don’t manage to teach much or don’t teach the topic at hand. How can you tell if your child has a fluff teacher?  You might begin by asking to see the curriculum and look up the Common Core Standards to find out what your child should be learning. This will send a message that you are informed and watching.  My niece had a second-grade teacher who had been a kindergarten teacher for 20 years and was moved up due to class size issues.  Well, after a while my brother and his wife, who both happened to be teachers, noticed that homework coming home was kindergarten level work.  I kid you not!     
  2. What’s a Boring teacher?
    • These teachers just read from the script or are just unchallenging and can be deadly.  One friend was in a class with a high school history teacher in her last year before retiring. That teacher could care less about teaching.  She literally read the textbook.  It was agonizingly boring each and every time my friend went to class.  What a drudge to get through that.
  3. What’s a Mean teacher?
    • These are the scary ones.  Ones that might yell and scream at the kids in their class.  They might demean kids in front of others.  They might deal out punishments unevenly or even play favorites where your kid isn’t the favorite.  Or maybe they’re just impatient and won’t answer questions so your child comes home not knowing the material. These teachers can cause lasting damage so we need to keep our eyes and ears open if you think your child has a teacher in this category. 
 
Julie Plagens at Mom Remade has a wonderful article about dealing with bad teachers.  I’ll put a link in my podcast notes. It’s called How to Deal with A Bad Teacher: 15 Strategies to Survive the School Year
That’s a whole lot of strategies but I’m going to go over just a few that I think might really help families in this situation.
 
Wait and See
The first approach would be to wait and see while doing research
  • You need to investigate to see if things are really as bad that they seem.  Sometimes our kids and their friends, not to mention other parents, can really blow things up.  Gather information from multiple sources if you possibly can -- class work, opinions from other parents with kids in that class, info about how things are going in other classrooms for that same topic; that sort of thing.
  • You might find people who took that teacher's class last year and ask them how they got through the year. They might say "It doesn't get better but stay quiet or it gets worse." Try to find students who did well in the class and ask how they achieved that - ask to borrow their notes if they have any. Ask them if they have any tips on how to do well in the class.
  • Another way to research is to volunteer in the classroom if it’s allowed which it often is at the elementary level although since COVID-19 not much is allowed any more. I’d read the teacher’s emails and look over the assignments.  Don’t helicopter, just be aware of what’s being studied and communicated. 
  • You should also try to figure out what the teacher’s perspective might be, sometimes it’s not all your child says it is.  Bottomline, research before taking sides.  Even parent rumor mills can vary depending on how different kids reacted to the same teacher.  I had one parent tell me that her son hated a particular teacher he’d had a few years before which made me a little worried but, for my son, she turned out to be one of his most favorite teachers.  Go figure. 
  • I just want to say that during this “wait and see” phase, sometimes things do settle down and kids figure out on their own how to get through each day or even start liking the teacher they were complaining about.
 
Communicating with the School
However, if you really feel that things need to be addressed you need to start the next phase which is communicating to the school
  • Teacher meetings are the starting point.  Set up a meeting with the teacher and your spouse or partner.
    • As you meet you need to phrase the concerns as issues that require clarification instead of an attack, like “Mr. Jones, I need your help.  I’m a little confused about something.  Annie said _____, but I think she may have misunderstood.  Can you explain it to me?”  This gives the teacher an out but implies you’re watching what’s happening at the same time. You need to tread lightly since alienating your child’s teacher is one of the worst things you can ever do as a parent since your child can suffer as a result.
  • If you feel unsatisfied the next step is to have a meeting with the principal or someone above the teacher like the head of a department
    • Ask for a meeting with the administrator and the offending teacher together to voice your concerns.   Nothing makes a teacher angrier than going over their head without giving them a chance to correct things. 
    • In my case, my son’s 4th grade teacher was a fluffy teacher. He and his classmates weren’t learning much at all.  We parents grumbled in the background for a few months as we started to see how little our kids were learning.  She was a new teacher at our school although not a new teacher to teaching, so it took us a while to see things.  A few parents chatted with the principal but nothing happened.  Our comments seemed to be treated as casual parent grumblings which principals here a lot of over the course of the year. It’s part of their job, right?
  • Community Pressure
    • As a last resort, if the teacher and the principal won’t listen to you as a parent, talk to other parents and address the situation as a group. There is power in numbers. It makes a statement.
    • In my case, By Feb/March of that year it was apparent that we needed to move to a united front of concerned parents.   There were 5-6 families who strategically set up individual meetings with the principal over a month or so period.  You could set up one meeting with lots of parents but that’s not what we chose to do.  The principal got the message and that teacher wasn’t hired back.  It sounds a little harsh but once a teacher is offered tenure it’s almost impossible in California to get rid of them.  This didn’t help our kids that year but it certainly prevented other families from suffering in future years and we really felt heard which made us feel a little bit better.
Learn to Cope
Lastly, it seems that most of the time your child is just going to have a bad teacher and you have to help them learn how to cope with it. You can’t always have the best teacher, the best principal, or the best school.  I’m sure all of us remember times when we had a bad teacher in our youth, or a bad boss or a bad co-worker.  This is life. There are lessons to be learned about working with difficult people and bad teachers can turn kids into problem solvers with the right love and encouragement from their parents and peers.  As possible solutions you might get extra tutoring, set up study groups, correct homework yourself or become your child’s reading or writing partner.  It’s all extra work to get though the year but figure out what will make the learning happen, don’t let the bad teacher take away a whole year of learning.
 
If your child is 5th grade or older, if at all possible, you want to brainstorm with them on how they can handle the situation themselves.  You don’t want to rescue every time and talk to the teacher for them every time they have a problem.  Lots of kids are afraid of authority figures and need encouragement to stand up and be heard.  What can you do to help?  Feel free to role-play or even have your child write down what they might say to their teacher about an issue.  Step in only after the child has tried on their own.  If they don’t understand something, encourage them to stand up to the teacher and ask for extra help.  It might be really scary and hard which is why I’d suggest some role-playing with how that conversation might go. 
 
That said, sometimes a bad teacher just won’t help a kid learn.  I was talking to a recent college student whose AP Calculus teacher in high school just didn’t seem to know the material and wouldn’t and couldn’t even help them.  They tried talking to the principal with and without parents and nothing changed so the students in that class learned that they had to adapt.  They gathered together in study groups. They traded notes. Some of them had tutors and they traded those notes.  They used Kahn Academy lessons online.  They learned that they could learn without that bad teacher and they all wound up passing that AP exam in spite of that teacher.  It was twice as much work as they should have had to do but they did it. 
 
In another instance, when my younger son was a junior in high school, he struggled with a teacher who was constantly picking on him.  This teacher was in the boring category and my son just hated his class.  He was getting a good grade but came home every day complaining about how much he hated being in that class. 
 
After a few months I decided to challenge him. I know that great teachers have the ability to make one-on-one connections with students.  They are able to do amazing things with them since their students trust them and feel seen.  In this experiment, I decided to encourage my son to flip that where he’s the one who makes the connection with the teacher since this teacher didn’t seem to know him as a person and was picking on him all the time for putting his head on his desk and not participating.  I told him that if he when to his tutorial period with that teacher and had a conversation about ANYTHING, I’d give him money.  Yes, I am not above using money to motivate behavior of things kids don’t know how to do yet and I decided this was one of them. 
 
So, a few days later, he and a basketball friend, who also was in that class, decided to go to tutorial and talk to this teacher who happened to be a basketball coach of one of the girls’ teams.  Well, wouldn’t you know it, they talked about basketball and they even enjoyed the discussion.  You know what happened?  The very next class the teacher was nice and each day after he was too.  That teacher “saw” my son and, you know what, I think my son “saw” him too.  In chatting with him about this he even remembers that he tried harder to participate.   They weren’t the best of friends or anything but things worked out. The best part is that my son learned a life lesson in how making connections can really make a difference.  It was worth every penny I spent!
 
One of the last strategies in Julie Plagen’s article is about having a good attitude.  I love this idea. Listen to what others say but always talk nicely about the teacher in front of your child.  Sometimes when kids hear parents talking trash about a teacher, they’ll use it as an excuse to slack off or worse. 
 
I interviewed a number of people young and old for this podcast from students to parents to teachers.  The discussions were so much fun.  It was interesting that each person could remember a bad teacher or two.  Some teachers didn’t know the material. Some teachers were always unprepared. Some teachers were boring as heck. Some teachers had class pets and treated some other kids unfavorably.  But you know what, all those kids made it through to college and beyond.  They had loving families who supported and encouraged them.  They had parents who would listen to them, help set up and augment their studies, and give them empathy when things were tough.   They learned that life sometimes gave them lemons but, typically, they were able to make lemonade.  Sometimes it was a year or two later but, in the end, they made it.

I know as a parent of younger children; things might seem dire and you have a right to be concerned.  A young dad who has a 5th grade son just heard that his son got stuck in the class of a bad teacher for the third year in a row and is losing his joy of learning.  That sucks.  I’d certainly keep a close eye on that 5th grade teacher early and often.  I even know families, myself included, who’ve found that moving to a different school was worth the bother as a last resort.  I wouldn’t keep moving my kid every time I wasn’t happy with a teacher since it creates lots of other stressors that can be significant, but it’s worth considering. 
 
I just want to finish up by saying getting our kids through school is certainly a journey of ups and downs.  I pray this article has given you ideas for keeping the journey a little smoother. 
0 Comments

Podcast 37 – Annoying, Attention Seeking Kids

8/3/2021

1 Comment

 
THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN
​

Do you have a kid who is always seeking attention?  They are pulling on you, saying “Mommy, mommy, watch me!”  Or maybe they try to one up anyone just to make themselves look bigger or better than others.  Maybe they’ll even make things up to do that?
 
I’ve been working with a few parents lately who are at their wits end with this annoying, attention seeking behavior.  No matter how much attention they give that child, the child wants more and more and more.  Sometimes it’s bad enough that other siblings are getting annoyed at how the offending child just keeps butting in and trying to take over, to use up all the air in the room.

What’s up with all that?  My first guess is that the need for attention is real.  They are seeking love, support and care.
 
Three possible contributing factors might be:
  • They suffer from low self-esteem, so they make up wild stories or try to out-do others around them to show off and get attention. One friend’s son after hearing his older sister saw a bird out the window immediately added that he saw two birds
  • They lack a sense of belonging; they don’t know how to fit in so they try different behaviors that they think might work – they might get really loud or physical like poking their friends with sticks or maybe showing off their Pokémon cards to other kids thinking that’ll make them cool
  • Lastly, sometimes they’re just immature and they don’t know when they’ve crossed a boundary of inappropriate behavior.  I just did a podcast about complex kids who have ADHD, Asperger’s and other issues and learned that kids with those issues are often 3-5 years behind in terms of maturity which throws off our parental expectations when we see them interacting with other kids in immature ways.
I do have to admit that all three can be present at the same time – low self-esteem, lack a sense of belonging and immaturity which can really crank things up in your home.  If you have an annoying kid, my heart goes out to you.  However, there’s plenty of positive things you can do so don’t lose hope!
 
When our kids are annoying, we often want to walk the other way, to not deal with the behavior.  We let them keep interrupting, butting into our conversations, doing one-up-manship time and again.  However, if you ignore the behaviors and needs, it can backfire leading to negative behaviors instead and not just getting louder or their stories getting more outrageous but where they start hitting or outright lying or being verbally abusive to you or their friends.  Yikes!  That is not at all what we want but… you’re exhausted and stressed… how do you take steps to deal with this everyday issue in your house?
 
What to do:
  • Notice them!
  • Remain calm – sometimes the behaviors hit our hot buttons because they are loud and obnoxious.  We need to not react negatively.  Reframe this as an opportunity to learn new behaviors.  I know it’s not easy but you really need to move toward this being something you both have the opportunity to learn from – it’s part of promoting a growth mindset.
  • Provide them with a scheduled fixed amount of time just for them, the longer and more regular, the better.  This would be what I call “special time” where the child gets to determine the activity, they do with you whether its playing Legos or Barbies or run through sprinklers or go to the park.  I’d be specific about the when and where so that they can count on the time with you.  For one family the mom had 15 minutes after school for each of her sons.  For another it was once a month an afternoon with just dad or just mom, they rotated and called the events “dates”. Statistics say that the average American parent spends 7 minutes a week with their children.  Yikes!  Do better than average!
  • Use empathy If they beg for attention; “I know you’d really like some time with mommy right now.  It’s hard to wait, isn’t’ it?  I can’t wait till Saturday when we can play together.”
  • Use praise for any improvements. This would be for incremental progress.  “Wow, I noticed you allowed your sister to talk first at dinner tonight.”  Or, “Thanks for using your inside voice. I could tell you were really trying.”
  • Provide the child with special responsibilities and leadership to build self-confidence.  Maybe let them pick out what you have for dinner every Monday night.  Maybe they are responsible for setting up an event for your family for Friday Night Game night.  They pick out the game, set up the pieces, pick out the snacks.  One mom who cooks rice every night let her 9-year-old own making the rice each day.  He felt so impowered!
  • This one is SUPER crucial: Take time to talk about what attention is appropriate, use role-play or drama to help them understand how other people might react.  If they were one-upping their sister in our bird example before you need to, after the incident is over, talk about ideas of what else they could have said.  Brainstorm with them after talking to them about how it might make them feel if someone did that to them. A good way of thinking about this would be:
    1. Show empathy
    2. Verbalize what occurred
    3. Help your child come up with a more productive or effective way to get their needs met.
  • Lastly, be patient, unlearning the attention seeking will take time!
 
 
Here’s a final idea to help make this process a bit more fun for everyone involved. Set up a non-verbal queue!  If your child is always dominating the conversation and needs to learn to let others have a turn, have a brief Family Meeting with just you and them to brainstorm some signals you can use when the behavior is happening.  You need to think of the signal together so that your child feels a part of the process, don’t’ just decide it for them, make this brainstorming fun.  Maybe you decide to tug on your ear, maybe it’s a little stuffed animal (or a set of them) that sits on the table that you pass to them when you’d like them to let others talk.  It should be something special and subtle.  You might even change the signal to keep things fresh each week. 
 
One mom whose son had a problem with getting too rambunctious at their cousin’s house brainstormed ahead of an upcoming visit.  They chose a special bear that they’d put in her son’s backpack.  If he started getting too ramped up, she could just lovingly give him the bear.  She didn’t need to say anything.  It worked wonders!  They get to pick which signal they take each time they go but, you know what, things are getting so that they don’t need it.  It’s been helping him see when things are getting out of control all on his own.  Yeah mom! Yeah son!

 
1 Comment

Podcast 35: Helping Kids Learn to Apologize

6/30/2021

0 Comments

 
THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN

Don’t you hate it when your kid does something so embarrassing or just plain mean to someone else? Biting another kid... Stealing something out of someone’s backpack.. Sending mean texts ... Yelling at their sibling that they hate them... Disturbing a room full of quiet children who are concentrating...

Makes you just cringe! You HAVE to get them to apologize for any offenses, right?

Did your parents ever force you to apologize? Did it really make you feel sorry? I’m guessing that, like me, you probably just felt worse, felt embarrassed and it made you even more mad at whatever/whomever caused you to be rude in the first place.

Apologies are really important, however; what we want is for the heart of our kid to change, to have them understand that their behavior was unacceptable and caused hurt in another human being. Here are some ideas that might be more effective at changing their hearts instead of just forcing them through the motions of an insincere “I’m sorry.”
1 - WAIT TILL EMOTION HAS PASSED
The worst time to get a kid to apologize is when they are still full of emotion. You have to WAIT until they are calm and can talk about the situation and until YOU are calm as well. In the moment we get so distraught and embarrassed at what our kids have done that we want to lash out and fix things right away. We drag them across the playground and say things like “Apologize to Sara right now!” or “Tell Jamie you’re sorry!”

Instead, we need to go BRAIN DEAD, to take time for everyone’s feelings to subside.  It might be you wait until you get your child home from school or a playdate or even the next day.  This calm will allow us to make sure that their minds are open to a discussion when we move to the next step. Feel free to weave in empathy for the situation.  “Wow, it sure is tough when we hurt someone’s feelings.  I can tell you’re upset.  Let’s talk about it later.  I sure love you.”

2 – Brainstorm Ways to Make Amends
Brainstorming is the next step.  There are a few pointers to making this as effective as possible. 
  1. Do it privately, without your other children present if possible.  You don’t need comments from snarky siblings as you tackle the issue.  If you can give 100% of your attention without juggling other things at the same time it really helps.  
  2. ASK if they are ready to talk about ideas for apologizing before launching into your own ideas.  This is the test to see if their brains are “open”.  If they answer, “yes” that they’re ready to talk, it means their thinking brain has turned back on.  If “no” is their response, then emotions might still be holding onto their brain so hold off and try again at another time.  Don’t forget to throw in another round of empathy like “I can see an apology might be hard for you.  I sure love you.  Let’s try again later.”
  3. Once you’ve do have an opening, exchange ideas of how THEY intend to deal with the apology. Sometimes you’ll get an immediate, “I don’t know.”  Feel free to gently suggest ideas of what you think might work keeping in mind we want to activate their brain in the thinking process.  We put out one idea at a time and think about it together.  We want an apology that will work for them, so their feedback is really important.
What does it look like when you’re done?  One son decided to write a letter instead of walking up to the girl he was mean to. One boy who threw a block at his brother decided he’d give his brother a hug, say he’s sorry then let him play with his new playdough set.  In another situation a teenager offered to babysit their younger siblings after taking the car when they weren’t supposed to.  They could give flowers with a note, draw a picture.  These days they could even make a Tic Tok video apology if that’s their thing.  Feel free be creative and to role-play the apology or, even more useful, role play how they’d avoid the situation from happening next time it comes up. 

As a parent you want to support your child in learning different ways they might apologize that work for them so that as you launch them into the future they have skills for repairing relationships when things go wrong. The brainstorming models for them that they can figure an apology strategy that works for them, not a parent-enforced and  insincere, “I’m sorry.”

3 – Getting to Their Heart with Consequences
Lastly, there are times when even brainstorming with your child just doesn’t work.  What then?  When a kid’s heart is disconnected from the impact of their behavior, it’s best to let a consequence do the encouraging rather than a forced apology or giving them a lecture. I love how Love and Logic tells parents to use what they call Energy Drain.  You give EMPATHY and then, “Oh, this is sooooo sad. It really drains mommy’s energy when I see you aren’t willing to apologize for ...
  • hitting your sister
  • being too loud and disrupting class  
  • taking food that was meant for the birthday party tomorrow

After the EMPATHY, ask them how they are going to put energy back in you. It might be a chore or a service they do for you. Each time they drain your energy in this way, you let them pay you back. Over time, if you’re consistent and loving, they will learn that their poor choices of causing hurt in others are causing them to do extra WORK! Yes, real WORK instead of just saying some stupid words that don’t mean anything. If this WORK doesn’t make them get a heart for their actions at least you’ve stopped the insincere words which weren’t changing behavior anyway.  If you see your child needing this reinforcement, feel to get more details by listening to Parenting Decoded’s Podcast #10 on Consequences.
​
To summarize, we want our kids to apologize, and we need to set up ways for them to learn to do this after emotions have calmed down and in ways where their heart is engaged and they sincerely are sorry.
0 Comments

Podcast 34: Life Skills for Teens and Tweens

6/14/2021

0 Comments

 
THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN

If you ask me one of our main goals as parents is to launch kids into adult life who are responsible, independent and resilient.  With those goals in mind in this episode I hope to inspire those of you parents with older kids to seize the day and open up your minds to new ideas on how to head in that direction.
 
In Silicon Valley our kids get lots of experience academically.  They know what their grades are and how to access their online school portals.  They know about homework and exams and schedules.  That’s great training for getting through school but what is easy to neglect is how to train them to experience living day to day that they will face once they are out of the bubble known as home.  We want them to flourish academically but often by doing so we rob them of responsibility for knowing how to live a full life beyond the walls of our homes and schools. 
 
In this episode we’ll talk about how to get our older kids, teens and tweens, to experience the bigger picture stuff and expose them to some of the messiness of life in a loving, supportive environment where they might even mess up some.  Everything from chores they should know how to do on their own to handling money, cars and how to get a part time job.  I’ll talk about planning vacations in addition to how to handle routine paperwork and cooking.  It’s sort of a laundry list of items I think any parent should consider when training your kids for the future. 
 
First off, HOME STUFF OTHERWISE KNOWN AS CHORES
 
Laundry
This is the easiest of the chores to turn over to your kids.  Whether they do their laundry or not really only affects them if you can put up with the potential of smelly clothes or a smelly room.  You teach them how to use the washer, how to separate clothes into darks and lights, how to spray stains and what the capacity of the washing machine is. 

When I turned over laundry to my sons, I did all those steps for teaching them but we still stumbled on something that not even I knew.  Did you know that clothes can mildew if they sit in the washer for days?  I’ll tell you, it was certainly stinky, and my son used google to figure that one out.  He got to teach me!  It was certainly an affordable mistake and I’m so glad we could lovingly learn a solution together, no yelling, screaming or nagging needed. 
 
Cooking
Every kid should be able to cook a few basics before they leave your home whether it’s mac ‘n cheese or scrambled eggs.  I knew a parent whose child went off to college not knowing how to scramble an egg and the college had no room in the dorms, so their daughter had to go into an apartment that first year.  Well, the dad took off work and went to stay nearby so that he could help his daughter with getting used to dealing with food – buying food at a grocery store and learning to cook.  Wow.  It really blew me away and that is certainly an extreme example, but I do regularly run into parents who don’t want their kids in the kitchen because they’d make a mess.  If that’s you, please let your kid make a mess and then, show them how to clean up!  That’s part of the process.  You show them how to restore the kitchen to its original condition.  But there can be so much joy in a family kitchen where kids own cooking a meal all the way from selecting a meal to shopping, chopping and sauteing or grilling.  In the summertime, we had our boys cook twice a week. One of the days one would choose a main meal and the other would choose a side to go with it then they’d switch the second day.  It really helped instill in them a love and enjoyment for cooking together but also the process of taking care of getting food onto the table. 
 
Cleaning House
Teaching your kids how to clean sinks and toilets as well as vacuum and how to clean windows so there aren’t streaks is what I’m talking about.  If there’s a clog in the toilet, show them how to clear it and the next time, they get to do it.  Show them how to prevent toilet rings and deal with calcium buildup if you have hard water.  These are all sorts of things that we adults take care of way too much.  Have them clean the hair out of the drain in the bathtub or shower or take down cobwebs or clean the dust off of ceiling fans or light fixtures.  If you want to be creative, hold a family meeting and come up with a list of the chores in the house they’ve never done before and set a goal for how many they do each week of the summer.  Whether it’s three a week or one a week, have it be something.
 
Yardwork
Summer is a wonderful time to get out as a family and teach your kids about trimming and mowing lawns.  Let them learn about clippers and weed pullers as well as fertilizers and bug control.  Ants, rats, mice, roaches and other pests are something they should know about. Yes, they can be yucky and gross but… life isn’t all roses, is it?
 
Painting
Have your kids help paint their room or a fence or a house.  Let them know how much work it can be and that being careful with paint is really important.  Knowing how to clean brushes, open paint cans and store paint for future use helps give them perspective on what it takes to make a house look nice.  If you want and can afford it, pay them for this extra work. 
 
Now, let’s move on to more ADMINISTRATIVE roles outside the house.
 
Money
If there’s one skill that I think parents today neglect more than any other it’s how to deal with money.  If you have a teen, they should have a checking and a savings account with an ATM card.  If you give your kids any money, transfer it using some online method.  I have a whole podcast about dealing with money and you should really implement all of it but, if you don’t have time, at least do this part.  You want your kids to learn about running out of money and overdrafts and how to write a physical check even if hardly anyone does it anymore.  My boys were a bit shocked at how little their peers in college knew about how to handle their finances and how most of them had their parents paying and keeping track of the bills that needed paying.  I gave my boys lump sums of money to cover their tuition, rent and other living expenses.  We talked about how to manage that money and when bills needed to be paid either online or by sending checks.  They knew the money was limited and needed to be treated with respect.  It can be scary but these life lessons with money allow them to grow and you need to let them do that while you can be around to help them.   

Filling Out Forms
Whether it’s going to the doctor’s office and being handed a clipboard with forms to fill out or a permission slip to go on a field trip, your child needs to do all the filling in the spaces, all but one.  My boys knew that the only thing I’d be doing with forms once they hit about 5th grade was signing them.  All of this form filling out stuff flows into their college app process.  They need to own the process and set up all accounts and signups for things like the SATs and ACTs as well as submitting their forms to colleges.  I’m not saying you can’t coach and assist but they need to do the grunt work themselves.  It takes time and they need to know that if they want something, it’s worth the time invested.  If you’re doing all the filling out and submitting, you’re robbing them of owning the process and their lives.
 
Get a Job
One area more than any other that kids learn about responsibility and money at the same time is having them get a job.  It can be a part-time summer job at an ice cream place or summer camp, at a restaurant or a construction site or they could be a nanny for a family or a dog walker.  It could be year-round or just the summer.  The encouragement I want to give you all is for it to be something, anything!  It was always interesting to see how kids who became lifeguards had to learn about how to vie for schedules or trade slots to go on vacation.  They had to learn to deposit their checks and that they had to wait to get paid.  For my son at a restaurant, he learned about shared tips and how some workers worked harder than others.  Another kid was 18 and old enough to drive for DoorDash, He got to learn about how some folks are generous with tips and other people don’t give a dime.  They learn sooooo much that a school can never teach them.  For some kids it helps them solidify plans to go to college so they can get better paying jobs.  Not a bad outcome to say the least. 
 
Alarm Clocks/Keeping On Time
Your kids need to own their own time.  Let them have the natural consequences of disappointing or pissing off teachers, coaches or friends. Let it be their deal, not yours.  The more we continue to own their schedule and nag them to keep on time, the less they need to keep track.  Let your kid be late for soccer practice or to their violin lesson.  Let them forget to turn in a paper that you know is due.  The earlier you let them own their own time, the less painful the mistakes will be to correct.  Middle school is a much gentler place to learn lessons about time, don’t you think?  Again, no yelling or telling needed.  Just let them own it. 
 
Vacation Planning
If you are fortunate enough to be able to take a vacation as a family, allow your kids to do some planning and research.  By middle and high school, they are experts at roaming around on the internet, let them plan one day of your trip from the museums or sporting events to where to eat or stop to fill up your car.  Let them help pack the family car to get all that camping gear in. It’s hard work and takes practice especially when you’ve got lots of stuff.  If you’re taking an airline, have them help look up flights and input things like frequent flyer numbers and all the logistics with baggage and hotels.  Even if you’re just taking a hike locally, let them pick a new hiking location instead of you announcing where you’re hiking.  Share the load and let them learn!
 
Cars
If your teen drives or plans to drive you really need to seize the day.  If you have the opportunity and the financial means, please have your kids learn how to drive when they are in your home.  I’m in California and kids here can get a learners permit at 15 and ½ and can drive at 16 but have to have a learners permit and drive with a parent or an adult for 6 months.  However, once they turn 18 the 6 months of practicing with an adult drops away. If they get lucky with their behind-the-wheel test at that point they can pass without much practicing at all. 
 
In Silicon Valley, parents think they are doing their kids a favor by letting them focus on academics and not worry about driving.  However, here’s what happened to a friend’s son.  This dad allowed his son to only focus on academics.  He graduated from high school, spent one month learning to drive, took his test, passed and then flew to college and didn’t drive again until the next time he was home.  How good a driver do you think he was?  My gut says he was still too nervous to go on a freeway and he’ll be a nervous driver potentially for a long, long time.   I have to admit that teaching my boys to drive was nerve wracking and one of the hardest and scariest things I did as a parent, but it really helped give them time to grow and respect driving and the responsibility they had when behind the wheel.
 
In addition to training them to be a good driver, we need them to know about car insurance by having them help pay for their portion and car maintenance.  Washing and vacuuming a car is the first step and then moving on to things like changing the oil and knowing how to check tire pressure and when to do all those things.  Even if very few people these days actually change their own oil, we can at least have them go to an oil change service center to learn what that’s like.  Hey, it can help you out as well since after the first time you go together, they can do it for you.
0 Comments

My Favorite Parenting Books!

5/10/2021

0 Comments

 
Over the years I've found some really great parenting resources in books, yes.. old-fashioned books,  imagine that!  With all the technology we have invading our lives it's amazing how some things about parenting just haven't changed much.  Our kids still throw tantrums, if there are siblings, they still fight and, by golly, just about everyone struggles with getting their kids to do their chores on time or at all. 

Here's a partial list of books that I've found really helpful that some of you might enjoy.  Some are on audible if you'd rather listen!

Classic Love and Logic Books:  I started my parenting work using these two books which are amazing  resources for all parents.  The second one is meant for parents of teens which isn't my favorite book for parents of teens but it's pretty up there.
  • Parenting With Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility by Jim Fay and Foster Cline
  • Parenting Teens with Love and Logic: Preparing Adolescents for Responsible Adulthood by Jim Fay and Foster Cline
Grit and Perseverance Books:  I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE these books.  I am constantly trying to find ways to help parents know how and when to push their kids so they'll succeed on their own with a supporting environment.  Both these books promote grit and perseverance without all the parental interference that mucks things up in our high pressure world.  
  • Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance by Angela Duckworth
  • Mindset - Updated Edition: Changing The Way You think To Fulfil Your Potential by Carol Dweck

Books for Parenting Teens and to Adulthood: Both these books are so helpful for getting ideas on how NOT to over parent your teen yet develop respectful and helpful relationships that will help them grow.  Both these authors happen to be from Silicon Valley. 
  • How to Raise an Adult by Julie Lythcott Haims
  • The Grown-Up's Guide to Teenage Humans: How to Decode Their Behavior, Develop Trust and Raise a Respectable Adult by Josh Shipp
Got any books you love?  Please email ones you love so I can add to my list!
0 Comments

Podcast 31: Sibling Competitions: How Everyone Can Win

4/22/2021

1 Comment

 
THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN
​

Do you have kids who are always running to the car and saying: “I’m first!”?  Or maybe they argue over who mom or dad reads to first at night?  How about who gets to sit where at the dinner table?  Or who does dad pour the catsup on French fries first?  I know my boys would have a battle each time we got into an elevator over who gets to push the buttons.  It’s exhausting, isn’t it?  You might even say it “drains your energy” if you’re a Love and Logic parent. 

In this podcast I want to help you turn that constant bickering into an opportunity for modeling cooperation and fairness.  Ha!  There’s no way that can happen in your house, you say?  I challenge you to try a few of these tactics and get back to me and let me know if they worked for you and your family.  I’ll bet you one hour of free coaching if I’m not right, otherwise, you leave me a nice review on this podcast.  Deal?  Deal. 
 
First, determine a list of issues your kids are competing at.  Some of you can probably do this off the top of your head the issues are so obvious but, if you need to, observe them for a few days and take notes till you have at least 3-4 things to talk about.   Here is a list one parent sent me:
  • Who showers first
  • Who brushes their teeth first
  • Who sits on the couch first and where they get to sit
 
Next, hold a Family Meeting at a time when there are no competitions going on, maybe after dinner or just ask everyone to come into the Family Room for a few minutes.  There’s an entire podcast, #17 on how to run Family Meetings but here’s a brief review:
 
Step 1: Set the meeting – meaning the location and duration.  The meeting will be really short for young ones 4 and under, 3-5 minutes, but for older kids it could be 15-20 minutes.  Don’t make it too long!  In this case,  I’ll choose Sunday evening right after dinner.
 
Step 2: Start the meeting, list the issues
Have your list of competition challenges ready and ask for input of any others you might have missed.  For this Sunday’s meeting let’s say we just work one issue, which seats the family sit in at dinner table.  I have to chuckle, this sounds so simple, right?  But I know there are plenty of petty issues like this that your kids fight about, right?
 
Step 3: Brainstorm
Take one example at a time and think about new ways to solve the problem.  In our example of where to sit at the dinner table, have everyone come up with several ways to solve it.  It could be a rotation every night or you could choose seats for a week at a time.  You can talk about how to figure out who gets to choose first -- rock-paper-scissors or pulling numbers from a hat.  All options!  You could even throw in some silly ones like having a “no chair night” where you have a picnic on the floor once a week.  Be creative, it’s way more fun and engaging!
 
Step 4: Select Ideas
Once you’ve brainstormed lots of ideas, go through a process to select which ones you’re going to try first. Be sure to keep the list of full ideas since this is the START of the process of selecting just the first one to try.  In this step also make sure to decide how long the first trial will last – a day, a week, a month?  I’m guessing that most families will probably try something for about a week when they first attempt to do this.  In our example, let’s say we choose seats for one week at a time and choose by using numbers from a hat. 
 
Step 5: Experiment
Now comes the fun part, whatever method was chosen, try it out for the agreed upon duration.  In our case, the 4 of us pull numbers from a hat and we choose a seat for one whole week.  As the week progresses, take notes on what different people think. If your kids are able, have them make a poster to put in the kitchen with each person’s name and a box under it with that person’s current positive, negative or neutral feedback.  Feel free to use stickers or magnets so that people can change their minds throughout the week.
 
Step 6: Review & Revise
At this point you’re going to schedule a follow up Family Meeting where you formally review how your experiment worked.  If the feedback is great, great!  If it’s not, then you go back to the lists you came up with and see what other options you could try; you can even take in new feedback. 
 
As you can tell, the important theme here is that it’s an experiment, it’s not set in stone.  We often try something once and when it doesn’t work out, we give up.  We want to model for our kids that life is all about evolving experiments that should eventually lead to acceptable solutions all around but that it takes work.  You should model that the work is worth it!
 
In our chair example, let’s say Joe is happy but Michael isn’t.  Mom and dad are fine anywhere so they are neutral.  If someone isn’t happy, we’re going to look at the list.  What can we modify about how we pick for the next week that can make Michael happy next week and get Joe to be at least neutral?  Since Joe drew the best number from a hat last week, we decide that Michael will go first this week without choosing from a hat at all.  We also decided that since dad is responsible for getting refills that he’ll have a permanent seat that’s closest to the counter so now we just rotate through 3 seats.  I think you get the drift.  We’ll try this new setup for another week and then meet up again for more feedback and review.
 
Step 7: Celebrate!
When you’re able to make headway on issues celebrate!  Often in our busy lives we make progress and just keep bulldozing right on past a success.  Take time.  Make it fun!  You don’t have to do it every time but sometimes it is really great for building a family culture that is productive, caring and enjoyable to be in.  An ice cream party or trip to a fun place that everyone loves.  Do something to show it was worth it!
 
Just to give you a flavor for the process, I’m going to tell you about one brave family with two little girls who are 4 and 2.  The older one is really the competitive one and wants everything first but little sister at 2 isn’t going to just let big sister push her around.  Sound familiar? 

Dad is usually on duty in the mornings and those girls immediately start competing for dad’s attention – who gets their hair done first, who sits at the table first, who gets milk on their cereal first, you get the idea.  The same sort of things happened at bedtime with brushing teeth, taking a bath, reading books, you name it. 

​Well, dad sat them down one morning for a 3-minute Family Meeting cause they’re young, to brainstorm what they could do.  He proposed that one girl could go first in the morning and the other in the evening.  Would that work for them?  They then proceeded to pick which girl was the morning and which was the evening girl.  Excellent!  That morning went so smooth!  The older daughter was first so she was really happy and the younger one was fine with it.  Then came the evening and the older daughter wanted to be first at something.  It only took at bit of calm and loving reminding from dad as to what the agreement was and she was ok.  Yeah!  Progress.  This worked well for morning and evening for a week or more; however, they started competing so much for non-morning/evening issues that both mom and dad were at their wits end and felt like failures.  Oh my!
 
After some encouragement they decided to hold that next Family Meeting to expand the morning/evening choices to encompass an experiment where each girl would be first all day for everything and then they’d rotate the next day for the other girl to be first.  They were going to print out a calendar that the girls could color their days so they could always know who was first or second. 

How did Round 2 go?  Really well!  Round 1 seemed hopeful but they really did need Round 2 in ways they couldn’t have predicted without the Round 1 experiment.  This family recently had a Round 3 to figure out that they need to cross off the days on the calendar when they are done so that their younger daughter could visually see which day was which a little better.  Yeah! 
 
I hope and pray some of these ideas will help you tone down the competition level in your home.  It does take extra time and effort to set things up sometimes but it’s that extra effort than can make all the difference.
 
1 Comment

Podcast 26: Lying, Cheating and Stealing - What to do?

2/9/2021

3 Comments

 
THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN

Many parents get very upset when we catch our children lying, stealing or cheating.  In this podcast I want to go over why kids might lie, what strategies we might use to address the lying and how age might influence our reactions. Lastly, I’ll talk about how to repair trust which has been broken and what consequences might be appropriate.
 
These situations are stressful for every parent and throw us into a vast array of emotions ranging from anger to disappointment and hopelessness depending on the age of the child and the frequency of the offenses.  This whole issue attacks our basic tenet of trust.  When a child lies, they break our trust.  When our kids are little it’s fairly easy to maneuver them in the right direction. As they age, the breaking of trust becomes more and more difficult to repair. 
 
When we act very authoritarian and harshly punish such behavior, it often has the opposite affect and winds up increasing the bad behavior. 
 
 
Why does lying bug us?
Honesty is critical to healthy relationships, having integrity and resolving problems.
Dishonesty can lead to heaps of trouble in the long run which nobody wants for their kids.
 
Why do kids lie?  What is it about lying that comes so easily into our kids’ lives?  In researching for this topic, I found that there seem to be categories for lying that can help us to put a child’s behavior into a better perspective.  
  1. Test out a new behavior – This is when they just want to see your reaction.  What will mom do when they steal the candy from the pantry?  I think of this for little kids mostly who are new to lying and its repercussions.  But could be a teen who is trying to test the boundaries in different ways to see if they get caught or not.  Taking a beer from the fridge or talking online with a stranger. 
  2. Enhance self-esteem and gain approval – I call this the Bragging Syndrome where an insecure kid tries to puff themselves up to impress others.  They tell their friends they’re the best at something or own something that others might want.  They want to fit in so they inflate themselves in ways they think will help them but often times it backfires and their self-esteem takes even more hits.
  3. For personal gain – This might be cheating on a test or taking money from someone’s wallet.   It could be shoplifting for items you can’t or aren’t allowed to have.  Maybe it’s setting up accounts on Instagram and Snap Chat that aren’t allowed.  You know what the most common lie I hear from parents for this category is these days?  Sneaking computer time and lying about it.
  4. To avoid punishment – let’s say your kid broke something, or colored a wall with markers, maybe pushed their annoying little sibling over.  They are afraid you’ll punish them so when we ask: “Who did this?” you get a: “Not me!”  Don’t be surprised.
    When I was about 9 or 10 I broke my mom’s hair dryer but I’m from such a big family that when all of us said: “Not me!” I was never found out.  I had no idea what the punishment would have been, I just knew I didn’t want it and isn’t it amazing that 50 years later I still remember the incident.  It was an accident, but it turned into something much more.
  5. To avoid doing something – When I asked parents in my Parenting Decoded FB group about lying examples I have to say, this is probably the most common.  Kids lie about brushing their teeth, washing their hands, finishing their homework, putting away their clothes, cleaning their room, turning in their homework, logging off the computer, taking out the trash.  They’d just rather not do any of those things, so they lie about it and say they did.
  6. Get the focus off themselves – Sometimes if a kid is depressed or not doing well, they will say things that we parents want to hear. 
    • Are you feeling ok today?
    • Did you take your medicine?
    • Did you finish your homework?
    • Did you get enough sleep?
    • How are you doing with your friends at school?

You can imagine the answers from a kid who is struggling in any of those areas. You later find out they said what you wanted to hear and are hurt and/or mad that they “lied” to you. 
  1. Speak before they think – with some kids who have ADHD they sometimes just blurt things out without a filter and without actually thinking about it and it comes out sounding like a lie.  If they took a few cycles to think, it would come out differently, but sometimes they don’t those cycles.
  2. Spare people’s feelings with white lies – This is a tough one since it requires taking into account other people’s feelings.   “I really like your new outfit”, “You’re really good at drawing.” “I love my present from you.”
 
 
Ok, now that we have a reference guide for different types of lies,

What do we do about them?
 
Well, in a blog from Child-Psych.org they elaborate on three main goals for parents when dealing with lying:
 
First, getting to the truth in a positive way, then figuring out how to make amends and, lastly, how to learn from the mistake of lying.
 
  • Know the truth and have kids share it – it’s really important that there is trust in the household.  If kids have a problem they are afraid to share about, they will be tempted to lie especially if they think there might be a harsh punishment coming.  Not having harsh punishments for telling the truth while they are young will help build trust so that as they get older, they’re more likely to share and not lie.  You want to try setting up rewards for honesty which in the case of lying is that there will be less of a consequence for telling the truth than hiding it.
    In the example of kids not washing their hands when they say they did and you know they didn’t, instead of putting them on the spot and calling them a liar, you can gently say something like, “Hmmm… it seems like I see some dirt still on your hands.  Can you please re-wash them for me?” Or they didn’t do their homework and you can see their unfinished work on the table, “Wow, this is so strange, is this the homework that was supposed to be turned in?  Did you want to tell me about it?  Is there something you need help with?  I won’t be mad if you tell me since in our family telling the truth is really an important value.”

    I’d recommend having a Family Meeting occasionally to talk about your family values and how honesty is promoted and protected.  You might even set up a family honor code and post it so everyone can be reminded of it.  The really important thing is that it’s discussed and debated by everyone in the family, not just an edict coming down from mom and dad.


  • Kids can make amends – if the child’s behavior affects someone or something then you need to encourage making amends.  If they’ve broken a window and lied about it, paying for a new window would be appropriate.  If they lied and it impacted someone like they hit their sister or ate all the cupcake toppings that were to be used for an upcoming party, they have to repair the damage.  I’m a firm believer than forcing a kid to say “Sorry” in a resentful, under the breath tone isn’t helpful at all.  It only creates embarrassment and resentment.  If sister was hurt, maybe doing some chores for her or letting her play with some of your toys might help repair ill-will created when the child hurt their sibling.  We want to teach our kids that apologies from the heart are effective.  It could be writing a letter, drawing a picture or baking cookies instead of a forced “I’m sorry.”

  • Kids learn from mistakes – let kids know that we all make mistakes.  Lying is just a mistake that we get to help figure out how not to do in the future.  We need to talk to them about how honesty will get us further in life than lying and cheating.  Brainstorm with them how to recover from making bad choices when they lie or cheat.  If they get caught cheating on an exam or copying someone else’s work, what can they learn?  Keep calm.  Find out what’s really going on instead of heading right into punishing.  Kids lie when they feel cornered, help them get out of the corner by spending time with empathy and love to figure out the root cause. 
 
Age based Ideas on Dealing with Lying
Now that we talked about the three goals, I want to go over how we might apply them at different ages. Parents.com wrote a useful age-based guide that I’ll go over briefly here and reference in my podcast notes. 
 
Toddlers and Preschoolers (Ages 2-4)
Lots of little kids can’t even quite tell truth from lying so these years are critical for adults to set the stage that kids don’t need to rely on lying to solve problems.  Kids are going to experiment so you gently and diplomatically send a response back instead of “Did you eat the cookie?” which leads to an immediate tantrum or meltdown, try something like “Did somebody eat a cookie?  Those mustn’t be crumbs on your chin.”  No need to have consequences but I might pull out some books to read at bedtime that talk about lying. Once they hit about 4, they are more aware of the concept and might introduce a whopper or two.  One of my parents used a wonderful technique when her son lied by saying they were going for ice cream when they for sure weren’t.  After he announced it this wise mom said, “I know you wish that were true.  I love ice cream too.” Then she just kept moving on.  It’s common at this age that wishful thinking becomes statements that appear to be lies.  It’s great to treat them as wishful thinking in a kind and generous way.  
 
School Age (ages 5-8)
At this stage they tend to tell more lies to test what they can get away with.  For example, One 5-year-old was testing her new abilities so much that she was proudly telling her little brother she was a better liar than he was.  Too funny.  Mom and dad will have some fun dealing with that.  At this stage though most lies are easy to detect – they didn’t brush their teeth, didn’t do their reading, didn’t check over their spelling, watched more TV than allowed.  Talk openly and continue to read stories together.  Don’t forget to praise them when they are honest. Be careful at this stage that you’re modeling honesty yourself.  If you tell kids to pretend they are younger than they are to get a discount meal at a restaurant or a ticket at a theme park, you need to consider what message that is sending to your child’s growing sense of right and wrong?  I know lots of families do this, but at what cost?
 
Tweens (9-12)
I always consider these foundational years for cementing your relationship before teen mindset and independence sets in.  Kids at this stage are pretty savvy and have already a strong sense of right and wrong.  When they lie, they may have strong feelings of guilt.  Being available for conversations about honesty is super helpful.  Talk about how honesty impacts our lives.  When they mess up, brainstorm about it.  Have some special time with that child for a gentle discussion.  At this age you talk about things like “little while lies” and how to use them if they’re needed to protect people’s feelings.  Maybe brainstorm if there are ways to be thoughtful without using white lies to get by. 
 
I know lots of parents at this stage are hit by lies relating to computer use.  “Yes, I’m just studying with my friends.” While you can see they have a YouTube window open.  Or, “I need to use my computer for a project this evening.” And you find out they’re on Minecraft instead and they’ve hidden it from you.  Or, in more serious offenses, they’ve wandered all over the internet chatting with strangers and creating social media accounts that you can’t even begin to figure out where and how many there are. 
 
One thing I can say is for you to take a deep breath.  Trust is earned and you have to rollback things to allow your kids to regain your trust.  In the case of computer issues it might be that you move their electronics into a public place.  This online learning that we’re in right now has really messed everything up since we really want all electronics in public places anyway but right now it’s almost impossible to do that.  One mom was thinking about removing YouTube from the school laptop, but her son would miss out on studies.  Maybe it’s that they put YouTube only on the computer in the Family Room until they come up with a better way to know they can trust him to make better choices. 
 
Teens (13-18)
In this older stage we need to do that work to listen and modify.  If there’s a lot of lying at this stage it’s a call for help.  Your child doesn’t feel safe telling you things and you need to get the door open.  Have you been too punitive in the past?  Did you blow up when there’s a problem with lying or cheating?  If you’re behavior makes them want to take a step back from you, that’s the wrong direction.  Figure out ways they can trust you won’t blow up if they have something you’re not going to like hearing.  For some this is setting aside special time to brainstorm but for others you might need to involve a counselor to help negotiate things.
 
How do you encourage honesty?
  1. Let them know truth is easier and reduces consequences especially when planning ahead. 
    1. Say your kid has been drinking at a party.  They could lie about it but you want them to call to be picked up so you have to strike a balance and have an open dialogue ahead of time, so no lying is needed.
    2. If they don’t turn in an assignment, find out why.  Was it too hard?  Did they have too much homework?  Were they bored with the work?  Talk about what could be done about it.
    3. If they cheated and copied someone’s test or paper and got caught.  Talk to them about what was up with that.  Are they feeling too much pressure to perform?  Do they need assistance to catch up?  Again, are they overloaded? Bored? Tired? Bullied? Try to get to the bottom of the why instead of just punishing the deed.  Every time at this stage you’re able to get to the heart of what’s really going on its another avenue you’ve set up in being able to communicate with your teen.
  2. Let kids know we don’t expect perfection - Parents could say, “I’m going to ask you a question and maybe you’re going to tell me something I don’t really want to hear. But remember, your behavior is not who you are. I love you know matter what, and sometimes people make mistakes. So, I want you to think about giving me an honest answer.” Giving kids a chance to reflect on this may lead to them telling the truth.
  3. Don’t label your kid a liar, it’s the behavior, not the kid.  Don’t set up your child for feeling bad about themselves that we wind up setting up a pattern of lying, as if we expect them to lie since they’ve been labeled a liar.
  4. Don’t corner your child – if you already know they lied and put them on the spot.  If you know they didn’t do their homework just say it.  “I know you didn’t do it.  Let’s talk about why that’s not a good idea and what to do about it.”
 
 
Ideas for Repairing Trust
For those of you who know Love and Logic techniques one thing to integrate into the repair of trust can be Energy Drain.  It really is an Energy Drain when you’re lied to.  You can use this with empathy and love to allow them to fill back up your energy by doing acts of service or chores around the house.  Maybe they’ll clean out the garage or scrub those garbage cans that go to the street.  One of my boys cleaned the gutters when he broke our trust.  He was a great kid and just happened to make a poor choice.  He was glad to do that chore to fill back up our energy that he had drained and get himself right with us again.  If you want more examples take a listen Episode 10 on  Consequences. 
 
I want to finish up telling you a story about Cheese Pizza.  It’s from Natasha at Reading Is Better Than Chocolate.  She was raised in an authoritarian household.  They were to do as they were told, no questions, no arguments.  Mistakes were punished harshly and lies were included in that.  Her response?  She just weighed up the odds of getting caught and lied at every turn.  Yikes.  Now that she’s a mom she needed to come up with a vastly better plan especially since she had made lots of poor choices by the time she was an early adult.  

Her idea as a mom was to cultivate a program of trust and love from the get-go.  She and her son developed a code word that they agreed upon ahead of time. Whenever her son said the code word it would create a magic spell where mom would have to listen calmly and NOT lose it.  They had fun choosing a word together.  They settled on CHEESE PIZZA.  Well, they posted that word in their kitchen on the fridge so everyone could see it with some simple rules that when the word was said that mom would take a deep breath, count to five and then not lose it.  In only 3 days her son came home from school and said CHEESE PIZZA!  Mom took her breath, counted to five and they sat down.  He had torn his new trousers at school.  He was able to tell his mom that he was happily playing on the playground when it happened.  She gave him a squeeze and thanked him for being truthful. 
 
She’s hoping that setting this up when he’s young they’ll have lots of practice so if the issues get bigger than holes in knees they’ll have something to use to help them through.  This story doesn’t say to let your kids get away with not helping to pay for new pants, which I think you should brainstorm how that happens, but it’s about getting to the heart of your child so that they feel you’re on their side and they’re safe to tell you even hard things.  Life will get hard and how we respond is going to impact how and when our kids are willing to come to us.  Make your own plans for CHEESE PIZZA in your house. 
 
Natasha has a wonderful list of books in her article that you can use to talk to your kids about lying and I’ll put the link in my podcast along with another article about books and honesty from ChildrensLitLove.com.  Books can be so helpful as jumping off points for discussions with our kids especially when they’re younger.  One book parents of teens and tweens can certainly learn from is “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk”.  Communication is key to maintaining a loving relationship that will last a lifetime!
 
I hope these ideas on how to handle lies and lying in your house are helpful.  Please share this with other families.  If you’d like a transcript of this or any of my podcasts, they are always attached to my episode notes and on my website. Feel free to email questions to [email protected] or join my Facebook Group for more chatter on parenting topics.

​
Resources Mentioned:
  • How to Handle Your Child’s Dishonesty by Child-Psych.org
  • Why Kids Lie from ChildMind.org by ChildMind.org
  • Cheese Pizza Idea from Natasha at ReadingIsBetterThanChocolate.com
  • Lying Guide By Age from Parents.com
  • Honor Code Ideas by ReadBrightly.com
  • Favorite Picture Books on Honesty from ChildrensLitLove.com
  • How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Faber and Mazlish

 
3 Comments

Podcast 13 - Anger Managment for Parents

6/7/2020

0 Comments

 


THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      
​LISTEN


Wow. What a week.  Writing this podcast has sure been a journey in tough times.  First, COVID-19 hits in March.  I’ve been blessed to have ventured into podcasting so that there’s a way I can still come into your lives.  Now, in June, with #blacklivesmatter, our nation is being rocked by anger and fear.  It’s overwhelming.  In this episode I’m going to talk about the anger in our own homes that we have that gets directed at our children and some ideas for how we can get it under control. 

I know anger isn’t helpful, caring and thoughtful action is helpful.  Being cool, calm-headed, and working together is what can move us forward as a nation but also as families.  Today I’m going to start in your home and deal with the anger your precious, adorable children bring out in you when they don’t obey, won’t listen, when they argue with you or when they fight with each other.  Your kids manage to push your buttons so easily when you’re tired or in a rush, right?  Some days you’re the epitome of amazing parenting and then the next day you’re on your knees with anger and frustration at your kids and yourself.  It’s exhausting. 
  
ANGER - COMPLICATIONS
I want to talk about how anger and threats create certain complications in our homes that we might not be expecting - an atmosphere of fear and children who become followers or rebels.

1 – Fear
First, when we use anger and threats with our kids, I’m mostly talking about yelling but some parents don’t yell but they certainly still get angry, they just don’t yell. We might grit our teeth and say “Do that right now”.  It’s still intimidating even if it’s not loud. When talking about parenting types the Helicopter is the nagger but the Drill Sergeant is the yeller/teller type.  They tell their kids what to do and expect immediate obedience; if there isn’t, then there are consequences mostly using fear and intimidation.  Don’t get me wrong, I firmly believe in consequences but they need to be delivered in a fashion that will be impactful for the long term.  Listen to Podcast #10 for more on that if you haven’t yet.

2 – Followers
But, you do it because anger works!  Certainly, it does.  Intimidation and being more powerful than your child works in your favor especially in the early years when you are physically bigger than they are and they are completely dependent on you.  But, how do you feel when someone yells at you?  Ever had a boss yell at you?  Did it make you feel good?  Did it make you want to be around that person? 

When I was working in hi-tech myself and some of my staff were in a meeting with a top VP who totally blasted one of his direct reports in front of 15 other people.  It made me cringe.  I was shocked and appalled.  If this happened to you, most likely, you felt small and stupid.  It might have made you want to hide.  I know when my dad would yell, we would all want to scram as fast as we could.  He wouldn’t listen to us even if we had a defense.  He shut down our feelings and minds just like that VP did. 

Some of us fall into Drill Sergeant mode when we get angry and frustrated.  This is when we want to yell and tell our kids what to do and we will yell louder and longer if our message isn’t being heard.  When I talk to live audiences about Drill Sergeants, I ask them who wants to raise a child who is a follower.  How about you?  Are you wanting to raise a follower?  Of course not, our society is always telling us to raise leaders.  We need leaders.  We need GOOD leaders.  And here you are, you might be raising a follower without even realizing it. 
As you yell or firmly tell your child what to do and how to do it, you shut down communication and their brains.  They aren’t encouraged to think for themselves, just to obey you.  They will FOLLOW you out of fear.  That’s not what we want.  We want them to THINK with their brains and know how to use their brains to fix things when stuff happens that isn’t right.  We need to communicate with them and allow them to problem solve and brainstorm with us, not go sit in a corner pouting or crying by themselves because we’re mean and yelled at them.  If you want to raise a leader let’s take anger out of the equation for raising your kids. 

NO THINKING
I’ve talked about brain science in a few of my other podcasts #2 probably has the most details.    When we are angry, our brain is in “fight and flight” mode.  This is true for our kids’ brains but also for your own brain.  If we need to guide our families, we need to use the thinking part of our brains, our prefrontal cortex.  I want to talk about ways to keep out of fight-and-flight and what to do if you do get there.
 
ANGER RELIEF
Assuming you recognize that you sometimes lose your temper, here are a few ways you can stem the tide. 
First, acknowledge you’re angry.  When you feel your body start to tense up and you start to go up what my good friend who is an MFT calls “anger mountain”, you need to embrace that feeling as it goes up your spine or face.  Once you can feel that feeling coming on, get some help to diffuse it.  I’m going to give you a few ideas of help you can use in your own home but if you have a major issue with anger, please get professional help or email me and I’ll be happy to connect you with appropriate resources. 

1 – Enlist your spouse or significant other, if you have one

This can work two ways – giving your spouse a signal or your spouse giving you a signal. 
When things are calm, set aside time with your spouse to work out a signally system.  If one of you sees or hears the other getting angry or yelling, use the agreed upon signal to help them recognize they are losing it.  I want to encourage a signal that doesn’t sound like “Hey, quit yelling.  You’re upset, go outside and cool off.”  While that may sound helpful even if it’s in a nice tone of voice, I want to suggest just using a phrase that signals “Hey, honey, I can tell your getting upset.  I’ll take over.  You go calm down.” Without saying all those words.  In my house we tried something verbal for a while like “Gee, honey, I think the cat’s water dish needs new water.”  Or it could be where you physically signal by pulling on your ear or patting your head.  The point your signal will convey the message without further irritating the situation.

I love signals like this.  My husband and I developed one many years ago to help deal with my I getting really nervous when my husband would tailgate, especially at high speed.  Now, he’s a good driver, and it doesn’t happen that often but when he used to do it I would verbally say “Honey, slow down!  You’re not using the 3 second rule.” “Or, it’s not a 1 second rule, it’s a 3 second rule.” And he’d snap back getting irritated with me nagging him again, wanting me to chill out.  Both of us would be angry and annoyed, not understanding each other’s point of view.  Not a win-win situation at all and we didn’t even have kids creating this tension. 

Well, we had a heart-to-heart one day while not in the car when both of our brains were calm.  I explained my point of view and how it really scared me and he explained how it kept sounding like he was a bad driver.  We both agreed to use a signal and no words in the future.  I gently tap him on the knee when I feel uncomfortable, he knows I love him and I’m scared and he has time to react without getting defensive.  It’s been amazing.  I know it’s not a parenting situation but I think you get the drift; communication can lead to real progress in relationships.

You and your spouse need to come up with something like a knee tap.  I really think a “no word” option is better than even the cat water bowl words.  I’d suggest maybe even having a teddy bear or a blue card or a pack of gum that you just hand each other that says all those words without saying anything verbally, an “I got your back” secret signal. 

2 – Enlist your kids

This next idea is to recruit your entire family to help get yelling and anger under control.  Have a way that ANYONE in the family can signal “warning, anger erupting!” without using words.   Some families might use a card – red, blue, one with a bird or a dog on it.  Other families might have teddy bear, doesn’t matter as long as everyone knows and agrees on what the signal means.  The person who receives it needs to have some calm down time.  It’s not a punishment but a loving encouragement. 

In order to enlist your kids in helping get your temper under control, you’d have to have a family meeting to brainstorm how to make it happen.  You have the meeting at a time when everyone is calm, maybe a Sunday afternoon or Friday night before a movie.  Talk about why you need help and how you need love and support to make it happen.  This type of family support can show that everyone needs help in life, even parents, in dealing with emotions.  I’d have an option that mom and dad can also hand the calm down signal to a child so that everyone can have the same love and support to improve emotional skills.  If it doesn’t work at first, have more family meetings until everyone can get on the same page with empathy and love.
 
3 – Use reminders

Some people find reminders a really useful way to help break bad habits.  Anger can certainly be a bad habit so try some to see if it will help you.  One parent I work with has trouble with anger but a lot of that is caused by having a lack of empathy for what her kids are going through.  We brainstormed a bit and she decided to place yellow stickies all around her house with “empathy” on them.  It did work for a while. Another mom just put stickies with an “E” on them around.  Some of you are tech-savvy and might create automatic texts, calendar entries or emails with nudges for you to be more empathetic or ask yourself to rate your anger for the day on a scale of 1 to 10.  Use anything but try something!
 
BAD FEELING RECOVERY

Now that we’ve talked about some ideas on how to try to stop yelling, I want you to think about ideas for what we can do to counteract the feelings incompetence and self-esteem that we often damage in our children when our anger lashes out at them. 

Our kids are fragile and words can break them. Often times, those words spoken by us in anger stay with them for a life time.  When we say “You’re so stupid!” often enough, they start believing it.  When we tell them they are clumsy, they stop taking risks.  When we get angry at them for breaking something or falling or missing a ball at a soccer match, they absorb that anger.  They start internalizing that they really aren’t good enough.  They might try harder in an attempt to win your love but it comes out of fear and hurt. 

Sometimes the hurt becomes so great that they stop trying harder or they withdraw from you.  That’s often what happens when teens start rejecting everything their parents say to them.  The parents have brushed off every possible opinion their child had when they were young so the teen learns that their parent could care less what they think.  They close down and rely on their friends for ideas and exchanges.  Super sad.  Let’s figure out how to be a parent who understands that parents are human and make mistakes and is willing to take time to repair damage before it becomes permanent. 

There is a lot of psychology around how impactful negative comments are.  The research says that it takes 5 positive interactions to negate just one negative one.  Ouch.  That’s a crazy imbalance, isn’t it?  We really need some creative ways to balance those negative interactions out. 

I came across a fun solution last week while on Pinterest.  There’s a therapist who has a website called idealistmom.com.  She has some great resources if you like this podcast and want to learn more.  The thing that she had that caught my eye was what she called the “Five Hair Ties” solution to getting this negative/positive imbalance back in line.  She says to put five hair bands on your wrist in the morning when your kids wake up.  If you have a bad interaction, you lose one hair tie to the other wrist. You then have to spend the day trying to earn it back to the original wrist.  If you have more negatives you’ll lose more ties and have more work to do, so you’re motivated to even the score as soon as possible.  It’s a gentle, physical reminder that there’s more love needed. 

What types of things can you use to recover?  Simple!  Things as easy as a hug (she says a 6 second hug is best), sitting and reading extra, putting a note somewhere they can find it with something nice on it, go outside together, play a game, give them an extra smile, tell a joke, have a dance party in the kitchen,  there are lots of ways!  I’m going to put a link in my podcast notes on how to sign up for a really cool printable chart with 25 of her ideas you can post on your fridge.  It’s super worth clicking on!  I love her SAY-PLAY-DO-SURPRISE quadrants.  You have to sign up for her newsletter to get it but it’s totally worth it and you can always unsubscribe after! 

BRAINSTORMING

I want to talk about one more thing I think can help families a great deal with trying to overcome anger issues, Family Brainstorming sessions.  I mentioned it a bit when suggesting you enlist your children in helping you recognize when you’re getting angry. I really think it’s an amazing tool that should be used all the time.  Setting up open and honest discussions with your whole family about issues that are upsetting family harmony is super healthy for establishing family bonding and love. 

Your children deserve to hear from you when things are calm in your brain as to what gets you upset and then you all work together to understand how to overcome the issues.  If you’re getting upset at everyone for leaving their shoes all over the house and you yell about it every day and no one does anything, having a place to air grievances like this in a kind, calm manner can be helpful and harmonious. 

Your kids should understand why it upsets you and maybe you all decide to create a new shoe area in your house together.  Or maybe shoes stay in the garage or on the porch on a new shoe bench that you all create and paint together.  Showing your kids how problems can be solved with words and creativity is the best lesson you can give them in life.  Anger solves nothing but if anger isn’t addressed it explodes as we can see now.  Address the anger in your life so that your kids can have a good role model for solving issues.
​
I hope this has inspired you to think about issues that bring anger into your family.  Be creative.  If hair ties aren’t your thing, try rubber bands, bracelets or coins in your pocket.  Remember your words can wound for a lifetime.  I’d love to challenge anyone to try the hair ties for one week and write to me about it.  I’ll provide a free phone coaching session to anyone who does it, that’s how important I think this is.
 
If you found this information useful, please forward this link on to your friends and family.  It would be helpful to me but what I really want is for us to work together to help the world take steps to control our anger in a positive, healthy way.

Here's the link to the idealistmom.com website article:
https://happyyouhappyfamily.com/angry-mother/

0 Comments

PODCAST Episode 9: Sibling Rivalry

4/4/2020

0 Comments

 
THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:     LISTEN

​Each week during the corona virus shelter-in-place I’ve been trying to cover topics that might be driving most families crazy.  Recently tantrums and night time battles were my focus but after chatting with a few families this week I changed my plans and decided sibling rivalry is a hot button especially as the weeks of shelter in place go on longer and longer.

I’m going to talk about what good might come from sibling rivalry but then some techniques like not taking sides, separating our kids, teaching them communication skills, and how setting aside Special Time can often make a big difference for a family with sibling issues.

With that said, let’s   dive in.

WHY? Emotion Behind Sibling Rivalry
I’m not sure what I really need to say about sibling rivalry.  It exists.  It’s existed since the beginning of time.  Why wasn’t there a manual given to us before we brought that second child home from the hospital? It’s bound to happen so we should prepare ourselves, right?  As silly as it sounds, no one really is prepared for how challenging sibling rivalry can be. 

We need to recognize that kids want attention, power and control.  If those things are disturbed then often times sibling rivalry can arise more frequently then we’d like.
  
Attention: As we all know, kids crave attention of any sort.  When their cravings aren’t met, they can often look elsewhere to generate more attention, often not good attention.  When a younger child arrives on the scene who is cute, adorable and needy (they need help eating or dressing or diapers changed, etc) the older kids try to be good and helpful but no one notices them. However, if they whack their little brother on the head then someone finally notices them.  Not what we’d like but it certainly draws our attention, doesn’t it?

Power and Control: On the other hand, if younger kids feel powerless and at the mercy of older siblings they try to fight back but explode with frustration over their inability to control what they want to happen.  These kids are learning how to get what they want but they don’t have the right skills yet so they use what they have which is to yell, hit, throw, wreck their siblings work or toys, whatever they can. 

It’s all a bit crazy but how we interact with our kids and their siblings during these developmental years will actually impact them in the future.  There seem to be four  types of sibling behaviors in my mind that I categorize by giving names: wimps, bullies, whiners and negotiators. 


  • Wimps: In an altercation, some kids cave every time, instead of learning how to stand up for themselves they just give in, it’s easier.  It just doesn’t seem fair that the other sibling always gets their way just because this child gives in.  We parents are worried that we have a wimp in development and we really want to change that. 
  • Bullies: This is usually an older, bigger sibling who can rule by their brawn and their brains since they’re more able than younger siblings.   These are the kids who take things away from the wimpier siblings with no regrets.  This can activate feelings of injustice in us parents as we see this child taking advantage of the weaker sibling at every turn.  We wonder if empathy, kindness and fairness are even entering that kid’s head.
  • Whiners: They cry about everything and anything.  Helicopter parents play into this big time by siding with the kid who whines the most or the loudest just based on volume we feel a major injustice MUST have happened.
  • Negotiators: Some kids learn that if they use their words, they can negotiate what they want.  These kids see they aren’t powerless even though they might not win every battle.  Their self-esteem can be enhanced instead of diminished if the right type of support is in their lives to help grow their negotiation skills.
You probably can see your children in one of these sibling types so now let’s get down to the nitty-gritty about what to do when siblings fight regardless of which type of sibling they are.

I have three rules in mind:

Rule #1 - Don’t get involved, don’t take sides, don’t blame
If your kids are fighting, try stay out of it unless there is bodily harm being done.  Let them fight and figure out what’s going to happen. If they come running to you, send them away.  Try really hard not to listen to their sob stories and don’t take sides.  Most of the time there are two sides to every story and parents don’t always get to see and hear both so just focus on it was a choice for them to fight and isn’t draining you to hear them fight.  Keep calm and encourage them to work it out.  Remember that, KEEP CALM and use empathy!  Don’t engage.  No yelling, no telling.   Yelling gets us nowhere. Try something like:

            Oh wow, I can tell this is a problem for the two of you.  I’m sure you can figure something out. This is really draining my energy hearing you fight. 

Rule #2 - Separate, if necessary
Sometimes the solution is that no one wins.  If they can’t figure things out then it’s ok to step in and take whatever it is away from everyone using EMPATHY and LOVE.

            Oh, this is so sad.  It looks like you two can’t work this out and it’s really wearing mommy down.  I’ll go ahead and put the blocks away for now.  You’re welcome to play with two different things but do it in two different locations.  If you can’t figure out what and where then just go head to your rooms for a while.

Rule #3 – Brainstorm to teach communication and negotiation skills when kids are calm
During the heat of the moment really isn’t the time to solve the larger and longer-term issue of sharing and getting along.  Yes, you can take a toy out of the equation but when things really calm down and there’s no active fight-or-flight brain going on you need to sit your kids down and talk about how to improve communication for next time they have issues.  You’re going to do brainstorming to help your kids learn to set expectations and negotiate.  The brainstorming will happen hours or even days later, it wouldn’t be within minutes of an altercation. 

What would brainstorming look like?  Here are some ideas of what to cover:
  • Calming ideas: I’d recommend you ask them to think about ideas of how to stay calm when they notice they are getting upset -- take deep breaths, count to 10, walk away or other meditation techniques.  Write them down.  Put them on a sign.  Practice them every morning or at the dinner table so they know what it feels like.
  • “I Feel” Statements: have them express their feelings to each other using “I feel” statements
    • I feel like Ken always gets to use the truck and I never do
    • I feel mad when Sara wrecks my Lego tower, I’ve taken so long to build
    • I feel mad when Jessie takes crayons and writes all over my artwork I was making
    • I feel sad when Alan took the last cookie and there wasn’t any for me
  • Taking Turns: Often times kids want to use the same toy or device at the same time.  Encourage the concept of “taking turns” and help them establish mechanisms for keeping track.  For example:
    • Both my boys always wanted to press the buttons when we went into an elevator.  It was driving me crazy that they’d rush in and try to be the first to push a button and wind up in a battle or someone crying that they didn’t get to do it.   So we set a sharing rule that one boy was always the “UP” pusher and the other was the “DOWN” pusher.  It was magic! At least with two kids…
    • In your house, you can set up posters or a magnet on the fridge or an app on your phone to help them keep track of whose turn it is next.  I’d prefer it not be electronic but you can decide as a family ways to keep track of “turns”. It might be that your kids fight or fuss over who reads to them at night.  Come up with a way that you rotate on a schedule – odd days for one kid and even days for the other.  If you have more than two then set up a calendar if you have to and have them check off the days as you go to bed each night.  Be creative but show them that they can share best when they communicate that sharing is needed. 

  • It’s OK not to Share: Feel free to encourage your kids set boundaries to protect items they cherish and how to let others know in a kind manner to respect boundaries.   
    • Little sister, these are my Legos and I’m putting them in my special box. Please don’t touch them unless I say so.
    •  Brainstorm with your children about how to put away toys so they aren’t tempting to others who shouldn’t be touching them
    • You also have to define consequences if boundaries aren’t respected.
      • Oh, this is so sad, Jenny, you knocked down brother’s tower so I guess you won’t be able to play near him today.  You can play in your room instead. 

Energy Drain
What I’ve talked about so far is all about the kids but I want to talk about you.  Yes, how draining it is for you as a parent to hear all this fighting and fussing day after day.  One of the most useful tools I think of in dealing with siblings is Love and Logic’s Energy Drain concept.  They have a great audio available on Energy Drain as well as another on Sibling Rivalry that I’ll put links to in the podcast notes.  They explain that when kids are fighting it zaps us and they need to put energy back into us or we don’t have energy to read them books, cook them dinner, drive them to a friend’s house or take them to school.  It’s really amazing how effective it is so please look it up. 

I also have a list of Energy Drain ideas on my website if you need help thinking of a chore or act of service for your kids to do to put energy back in you like washing windows, sweeping the back porch or putting hand lotion on your hands.  I’ll put that link in the notes as well.

This concept can be so heartwarming when you take the time to do it.  One mom has sent me a a video of her kids washing the patio furniture with brushes and soap when they drained mommy’s energy by fighting. 
 
Set up special time regularly
Lastly, I want to talk about what to do when your kids just seem to be at each other day after day and you can’t seem to break out of the pattern.  Lack of attention is often the culprit but it could be that one child is just bored or unsatisfied in some other way with friendships or school and torturing their sibling gives them something to do. 

We need to figure out ways to set up what I call Special Time that I’ve talked about in a few different podcast episodes.  In this case, I’d suggest 10-15 minutes of one-on-one time per kid, per day or at the very least per week, so that each kid has some sort of one-on-one connection with their parents to nourish that feeling of unconditional love and acceptance. During that time you allow your child to decide what they want to do with you.  Let them know there’s a time limit and set a timer. 

One mom I know at my church who was having some trouble, decided to set up Special Time right after school with each of her elementary boys.  They rotate 15 minutes at a time and know that when it’s not their turn they are to play quietly.  They LOVE this Special Time and it’s working wonders for peace, calm and connectedness in their home.

            Another family was having a problem with their 6-year-old son, Ben, being mean and fighting with his little 4-year-old brother, Joe, all the time.  They had a newborn as well so it was a busy household. Ben always seemed to be picking on Joe and always seemed to in a bad mood.  After brainstorming with the parents we decided the issue might be that he was feeling disconnected what with an adorable baby girl and mom and dad being so busy taking care of everything and he needed some Special Time. 

With 3 kids it was hard to set aside time but the couple decided that as soon as dad came home from work he would play chess with his son for 15 minutes or so before dinner.  Two weeks later they reported back to me the amazing difference in their son’s attitude and behavior.  He was a new child!  Wow!  In setting aside this time they dealt a decisive blow to their son’s attitude and sibling rivalry at the same time.  Ben was playing much better with Joe and even on his own. 

 was so proud of the parents doing that extra work and it really hit home for me that I need to encourage Special Time to be set up in every home for so many reasons that feed into our kids need for love and acceptance.  In our hurry-hurry world we sometimes need to slow down, don’t we?  It’s hard to make the time but it can really pay off big time especially when you have misbehaviors cropping up all the time. 
​ 
Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed this podcast.  Taking time to train our kids to communicate with each other is so key to siblings getting along.  Keep in mind the three rules – stay out of it as long as possible, separate them if necessary, and brainstorm ideas when things are calm. 
 
Don’t forget to take care of yourself by using the Love and Logic’s Energy Drain concept.  Please remember that you never have to figure out whose fault a fight is, just that hearing all that yelling is draining you and they need to do some work to put your energy back. 
0 Comments

PODCAST Episode 7 - Night Time Battles: Toddler to Elementary

3/27/2020

0 Comments

 
THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:  LISTEN

I’ve been thinking a lot about sleep lately and how important it is to get a lot of it and good quality with this current crisis going on.  It’s good for our mental health as well as our immune systems.  Well,  I’m an empty-nester and not getting enough sleep so you parents of younger ones might be getting even less than I am so I’m dedicating this to all of you so that maybe a few of these ideas can get you and your family a few more minutes of sleep or at least set a calmer tone in your house at bed time.

This podcast is for parents of toddlers through elementary school,  I have a separate podcast on dealing with issues of sleep and teens so please head there if you have older kids.  In this podcast we’ll go through some ideas for moving toward bed, getting ready for bed, turning out the lights and finally ideas for those of you who have kids who wake up at night. With that said, let’s get started.

Heading toward bed – the transition
For many kids it’s really hard to transition from playful family time to the lonely and boring time of bedtime and night time.  Kids might be hyped up playing and rough housing or they might be involved in a really interesting show or project that will take way longer than our bedtime goals allow.  Transitions are really hard for many kids so we need to make the transitions as painless and battle free as possible.  To do this there are two things we have at our disposal which will prevent many battles before they start – choices and boundaries.  

Most of the time choices are really effective since kids just really want some control over their lives.  We’re so used to bossing them around it makes some of them decide to say “no” no matter how reasonable we are.  If we say “It’s bedtime.” They’re almost programmed to resist.  Offering choices before you hear “no” is SUPER important. You have to use choices early, if you have resistance you’ve lost your battle so make your choices effective and as fun as possible.

So you’re going to use choices like this:
  • Would you like to go to bed at 8 or 8:15? (knowing full well we want them to go to bed at 8:15!)
  • Would you like to set the bedroom timer or me? (I love using timers especially for kids who can’t tell time yet on their own)
  • Would you like to set the bedroom timer for 5 minutes or 15 minutes? (knowing you’re fine with 15 minutes)
If you give choices as to when to head to bed you use them again with HOW to get there.  Try using something like “Wow, it’s time to head to bed!  Would you like to …
…crawl on your tummy to bed or walk backwards?
… or Would you like to go blindfolded or have me carry you upside down? 
… or Would you like to hop on one foot or skip to bed?
Fun is super helpful!  Being creative and offering different choices every night is also super helpful. 

Getting ready for bed – give them choices
Once we get them in the vicinity of their bedroom and the bathroom area to get ready we use   
  • Would you like to brush your teeth first or put your pjs on first?
  • Brush your top teeth first or your bottom teeth?
  • Would you like to take a bubble bath or a lights out bath with a candle?
  • Would you like to dry off with a big towel or lots of little wash cloths?
  • Would you like mint toothpaste or cinnamon toothpaste? 
  • Electric or hand brushing?
  • Pajama top on first or pajama bottom?
  • Would you like to sleep with your school clothes on or your pajamas?
 
The idea is that you constantly throw new choices at them so that they don’t have time to think that one of the choices is “No!”.  Being creative with choices is key!

Set boundaries
Another skill that is super useful at bedtime is setting boundaries so that your kids know ahead of time what to expect and they’re things that you can stick to.  If your kids can have input as to what they are, especially as they get into older grades in elementary school, the more effective these will be.  For any boundary to be effective there has to be a consequence if you don’t get the result you are looking for. 

What am I talking about?  A useful boundary for most families is setting which time kids are ready for bed. Let’s say that a family starts heading to bed at 7:15 and want lights out by 8:15.  They need a bath, teeth brushing, getting pajamas on and reading books in that one hour of time.  I’d suggest setting a boundary like: “I read books to kids who are ready by 8:00. “  It’s a simple statement that tells your kids that as long as they are ready they can have books for 15 minutes.  This also means that you as a parent have to be willing to have a child having a tantrum at 8:05pm who wasn’t ready on time and will not be getting books tonight.  You need to be ready to have this happen and to give love and empathy.  “Wow, this is sooooo sad.  I love reading books.  I’m sad too.  I can’t wait till tomorrow night.”  You can give them hugs but you cannot read to them. You have to hold your ground especially when you know your child’s currency is book time.  You have to realize that your child had a choice and they chose to not have book time,  it wasn’t you. 

But, Mary, you might say, my child can’t tell time yet.  What do I do?  Use timers again!  Lots of timers if you need to.  Cheap ones from Target or Amazon work great.   Have your little one learn how to set them and get them maybe even to try “Beat the Clock” type contests.  Set one timer for 30 minutes, another for 15, another for 5 and the last one for 2.  Put them in different places to make it fun if you want but MAKE SURE they know there’s a limit and that they get to choose if they get books or not, it’s not up to you.  You give LOVE and EMPATHY if they blow it.  Some of you might want to try this on a weekend night if you’ve got to work on weekdays but you need to start and keep pulling it off for a few days for some kids to believe that your word is true, that there are no books if they’re not ready. 

Lights Out
By the time bedtime comes around most of us have our eyes on the goal – some downtime without kids!  Maybe a glass of wine with our spouse or to watch a show that’s not rated G.  We say a prayer: “Please Lord, let them fall asleep quickly so I can have some ME TIME.”  However, many of us find our ME TIME cut short by kids not wanting to fall asleep.  Some of us fall asleep with them (that’s what would happen to my husband and I), some of us sit close by outside the bedroom door feeling chained there until we can peek in and see that our kid is finally, finally asleep then we tip toe away as quietly as possible hoping we don’t wake them up.  Is that you?   What can we do to get them to sleep? 

If you have a child who really, really won’t go to sleep without controlling where you are then during daytime you need to spend Special Time with them to brainstorm what they need at bedtime so that they stay in bed.  Special Time is where one parent schedules some time with just them and the child, no siblings or distractions, just the two of you. 

During this time you think about ideas for what they need at bedtime since your new boundary is that once books are done mom and dad are done too.  You will let them know that they are welcome to have bedroom time for as long as they want but they must be quiet and stay in their room.  You really can’t force your child to sleep on command but you can allow them to be quiet and in their room and allow them to be in control of their environment.  During the Special Time I’d offer more creative choices than I might have offered in the past:
  • Would you like to sleep in your bed or on the floor?
  • Would you like to sleep in your sleeping bag or with a different blanket?
  • Would you like to be buried by a pile of stuffed animals so that I can’t see you?
  • Would you like the light on or off?

The idea is that your child chooses all these things that really don’t matter since what matters to you is that you get your ME TIME and they are quiet and in their room.

If your child won’t stay in their room and you have to constantly put them back or they have tantrums then you need to deal with those then I’d highly recommend that you go and listen to my 5th podcast which tells you what to do with tantrums. 

In brief though, for some kids you might wind up going ahead and cuddling them and falling asleep that night but then the next day you’re going to have them restore all that sleep and free time you lost in dealing with them by doing a few chores around the house.  Yes, even if they are only 3 or 4 you do this.  They need to know that their choice to take away your free time has a cost.  You love them and will help them get to sleep but you need to let them know you need their help to restore that time lost. You do it lovingly and with empathy. 

In the morning you’ll say something like: “Wow, that sure was a late night last night.  I’m so sorry you had trouble getting to sleep and that mommy didn’t have time to finish what I had planned.  It would be great if you helped out today by vacuuming the living room and sweeping the porch.”  I would also take a bit of time to brainstorm again to see what adjustments need to be made when you head to bed again that night.  Checking in with your child and making adjustments is really helpful.  They need to know that problems often take time and many adjustments to solve and that you’ll love them and work with them as long as it takes to solve this one.
 
Difficult Night Time Issues
In working with parents over the years I have offered this advice and for many it works wonders.  The choices and boundaries and knowing your child’s nighttime currency is super helpful.  However, there are a few situations I’d like to offer further advice. 

Kids waking in the middle of the night with siblings in the room that might wake up
One family I worked with has a small house and 3 kids, two who slept in the same room.  Their 4-year-old would wake up every night and scream so dad had to get him to calm down or his son would wake up the whole house and the new baby.  Oh my… definitely a problem.  We decided that getting his child to calm down during the night was really imperative so he’d need to use the Special Time solution to brainstorm ideas about what they could do to remedy the situation.  He would also need to work with his son to give him some jobs to help repair the sleep that dad had lost by getting woken up at night. 

As we mentioned before, this will be with love and empathy, the chores given won’t be a punishment for his behavior that he can’t control yet, just a recognition that he caused distress to someone else and has to help even the waters a bit during awake time. Another dad of a 4-year-old used Special Time to brainstorm with his son what books and stuffed animals he needed at bedtime but he also let his son know that he was too tired to play basketball with him when he’s woken up at night since he’d lost so much sleep.  It took about a week for the two of them to brainstorm enough to figure out their nighttime solution.  It was awesome to hear!  Go dads!
 
Kids wanting to climb into your bed in the middle of the night
Some of you might fall into the category that I did.  My son went to sleep ok but he’d wake up every night and didn’t wake anyone else up but me.  He’d come quietly to my side of the bed and want to climb in and sleep with us.  He was so cute at first so of course I’d let him sleep with us.  Sometimes, once he got back to sleep my husband or I would carry him back to his room but sometimes he was there the rest of the night.  Ugh… I was so tired and not getting good sleep with a little one kicking and turning and taking space I enjoyed in our bed.

  So, what I wound up doing is setting up a little bed next to ours that was just one of those tiny futons and put a crib sheet, a blanket and pillow on it.  My son got to choose what else he’d like on the little bed but it was small and fairly out of the way so I could still get in my bed.  Then, I let him know if he woke up in the middle of the night he was welcome to sleep there and that sleeping with mommy and daddy was not an option.  He was happy with that solution so for about a year from maybe 4 to 5 he slept probably ½ the nights on that little bed. 

​I was talking to another family and they actually have a small teepee set up in their room that they actually let their daughter whose about 6 just go ahead and sleep in all night.  Another family put a sleeping bag outside their master bedroom door for their daughter to sleep in if she awoke at night.  If you don’t mind and have the space, go for it.  It really won’t be happening when they’re teens, believe me.  Bottomline, if your child is waking you and you’re losing sleep feel free to be creative but don’t feel like you have to let them sleep with you.  Sometimes just being near you will be just fine. 
 
Early Morning Wake Ups
The last topic is what to do with kids who wake up earlier than mom or dad.  Actually, I’m going to tackle that topic hopefully in next one of my next podcasts but to give you a hint if you have this issue, use Special Time to brainstorm some ideas with your kid.  If your kids are really little go online and look for one of those kiddie wake-up clocks that go from red to green to signal when they can get out of bed.  More later though but feel free to email me if you need help right now.
 
Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed this podcast!  Getting kids to bed is a lot of work some nights but I hope you can use fun choices and set some good boundaries for getting to bed and getting ready for bed.  I pray for all of you to have a bit more sleep especially when some of us our not sleeping well right now for other reasons.   
 
0 Comments

PODCAST Episode 6: Tantrums and Calm Down Time

3/20/2020

0 Comments

 
THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:  LISTEN

Tantrums can be so draining and disruptive to happy family life so in this hour of great need I’m going to talk about the emotion behind the tantrums, how to set up “calm down” time, and then how to brainstorm with our kids after the emotion of the tantrum or bad behavior has passed.  The target for this is really parents of toddlers through elementary school so if you have a teen, I’d recommend that you listen to my second podcast called: Teens: Respect, Emotions and Brains. 
​
Emotion Behind the Tantrums
The problem with a little one having a tantrum is that it oftentimes sets us off turning us into angry, frustrated parents who are yelling and screaming, right?  Tantrums often happen when we are most rushed or pressed for time – bedtime, getting to school, having to leave a party, getting off electronics, brushing teeth, having to do homework or practice piano.  We are just trying to get life going in the right direction when, WHAM, another a tantrum hits and really set us off.  Ugh… why me??? Why again? Why is my kid always doing this? What’s wrong with them? My other kids weren’t this bad. What’s wrong with me?  So many emotions flying and they can send us into our own adult tantrum.  

We need to help ourselves in these situations by remembering to KEEP CALM and LOVING.  Yes, it will be hard to do when our kid is having a meltdown but you need to do just that.  KEEP CALM and LOVING.  When we get pushed into yelling ourselves it means that our thinking brain has turned off and we’re in our emotional, fight-and-flight brain which is never good when dealing with kids and tantrums.  So, having ways to keep our anger under control is necessary and I’ll do a future podcast on that subject in the future but for now just keep the thought in mind that your child’s tantrum isn’t about you, it’s about them and their inability to control their world.  It’s ok that they’re upset.

Your child has very few skills especially under the age of five when it comes to letting you know their dissatisfaction with whatever it is they don’t like.  They can yell, cry, scream, kick, fall on the floor like a wet noodle, and bite.  That’s it!  Later on when they’re teens they might verbally be able to spar with you but not too much when they are really young.  So, you have to keep your emotions under control and just deal with theirs.  Again, you need to be CALM and LOVING!

Calm Down Time – set the stage
 Now that we know the tantrum is about our kids’ emotions and not ours, here’s what we need to do next.  Have a safe place in your house that you can designate as a “calm down” location.  You can even ask your child during a non-emotional time where they might like to calm down when they become upset.  You need to set up a situation where your child knows and trusts you love them unconditionally and you tell them that when they get really upset you want to give them a safe place to be and time alone to calm down.  This calm down area is a place you need to make sure they understand is not a place for punishment, it’s a time of love and understanding that we all need time to calm down when we’re upset. 

Now that you have a place you might want to make sure it’s safe.  Most of the time it’s a bedroom but, wherever it is, it needs to be a place that your child is free to roam around in. If you have a smaller child who is still in a crib you can use that but for a child out of a crib you would allow them ideally to have access to the whole room.  They can have books and stuffed animals and things that can help them calm down.  It’s all ok since this is a Calm Down place like I said, not a place for punishment.  There might be a time you have to remove books if they throw them and wreck them but for now, let them have stuff to do.  They won’t even see the stuff when they are in full melt-down mode but as they come out of it, it can help. 

You should also explain to your child that as long as they stay in the room until they are calm then the door can stay unlocked and open.  Once they calm down, you’ll set a timer for 3 to 5 minutes and as long as they can keep staying calm during that time then they’ll be able to come out.  You love them and will be waiting for them to calm down so they can rejoin the family. 
 
 
Calm Down Time – let it happen
The next phase after your child knows what Calm Down Time is will be to wait.  Yep, you wait until a tantrum happens.  When your child starts having a meltdown you’re going to ask them if they’d like some Calm Down Time.  If they are small and under 5 or so, they can walk themselves or you can carry them.  If they are older, you can help direct them or just ask them to go to the Calm Down location.  You do this in a calm, loving tone of voice.  No yelling. You say something like: “Wow, I can tell you’re really upset.  It looks like you need some time to calm down. Let’s go head to the Calm Down Room.”  They might not be in great shape but you make sure in a loving manner they get to the location.  If you have older kids and they refuse to go then just let them be and say: “Ok, we’ll talk about this later.  I’m going to go to a different location so that I can remain calm.” And then you get out of the way.  I’ll talk about what to do with those rebellious kids in a minute, for now let’s assume your child made it to the room.

Now you’re going to let them choose whether or not they get to have the door open or closed.  Keep in mind that the goal is to have them calm down, it doesn’t matter if their door is opened or closed as long as they stay in their room.  I’d start with the door open and if they come out then it will be a signal that they need the door closed.  Many kids will be crying and won’t even be able to think.  If they come out with the door closed then you’re going to “lock” it which for a small child will mean that you take a towel and flip it over the top of the door.  You aren’t going to leave them in there forever and really lock them in and you’re certainly not going to leave the house but one thing you really don’t want to do is stand there holding the door closed with your hands.  If you did struggle with the door handle, the child would have lots of power of you and it would distract from this whole process.  So, get the door closed and “locked” if you need to but don’t stay right next to the door.  Go ahead and start making dinner or even read a book or watch TV with your other kids.  Create a loving environment outside the Calm Down time that makes the tantrum kid want to go back to.   

You now want to wait again.  Wait until you hear no fussing, no crying, no yelling, no pleading.  Once it’s all quiet you go ahead and open the door and ask if they are ready to set the timer.  If they start fussing and crying then you go ahead and let them know with empathy and love that it seems they need a bit more time.  However, if they can remain calm then you go ahead and have an egg timer or some other hand timer, not your cell phone, and leave it in the room or outside the room and let it run and beep.  Your child can then open the door and come out.  Then you give them hugs and kisses and say you are so happy they’re calm again.  No need to go over why they went into the Calm Down Room, they already know that they hit their brother or threw something when they weren’t supposed to or wrecked their sisters poster when they were mad.  Just let love be the result.  
 
Brainstorming and Special Time after the Tantrum
Now that the Calm Down time is over it means that your child’s brain has turned back on to their thinking brain.  Lots of the time this Calm Down time accomplishes what it needs to especially for really young ones. Our kids’ emotions boil up inside and they just need to safely let them out and know that we’ll love them when it’s over.  However, there are some situations or some kids who just keep having tantrums and we need to spend some time brainstorming with them that I call Special Time.  This is time where there aren’t other siblings and is with only one parent, time that the parent can set up that is without emotion and isn’t right after a tantrum. You will also use Special Time with those older rebellious kids who refused to go to the Calm Down location when you asked.   I would wait ½ day or maybe a full day or two after a tantrum to try Special Time.  You might need to coordinate with your spouse to take over with your other children or even send the other kids to a friend’s house or grandparents.  But you need to create an environment where you won’t get interrupted.  

Now, when you start the Special Time you can be cuddling at home on your bed, on their bed or a favorite couch, it doesn’t have to be someplace exotic, just some place that is relatively soothing and without too many other distractions.  Tell your child that it’s Special Time as well so they can come to look forward to special time with you in the future.  

Next, you’re going calmly and lovingly say something like: “Wow, the other day you sure were upset.  Can we talk about that?  I want to brainstorm with you and figure out what we can do to help so that you don’t have that issue in the future.”  Then you talk about what you might do, be a team.  For the most part these special brainstorming sessions are going to be for kids about 4 or older but feel free to try them for littler ones too, you be the judge as to when to start them.  
 
Ok, that’s the learning part of the podcast. 

Now I want to tell you two stories of parents who attended the Parenting the Love and Logic Way® class that I’ve been a facilitator for for many years.  One story is about a parent of a 3 ½ year old who really needed Calm Down time and the other has a first grader who turned out needing the brainstorming session after some particularly bad behavior.  In the first story it mentions Love and Logic® toddler specific technique called the Uh Oh Song that is amazing and I’ll put some references into my podcast notes if you’d like more details and examples to use with your toddlers.  I can’t recommend it enough.  

Ok, so that first story, here’s what the mom wrote me: 

My oldest son is 3.5 years old. Before I took this class, we did a variation of Time Out for when he had temper tantrums where I'd just put him in his room, but get him after a few minutes and ask him to calm down before he could come out. Basically, I would then help him calm down by holding him, etc.
​
So a few days ago, I decided to apply what we learned in class about the Uh Oh Song and followed the steps, specifically leaving him in his room until he calmed down on his own. Well, he screamed and screamed on and off for 1 hour and 15 minutes!! It was agonizing listening to him and so many thoughts were going through my mind. But I stuck with it and followed through with the 3-minute timer after he had calmed and then invited him to come out. He was like a new kid, super grateful to be out and so helpful with such a great attitude afterwards.

I can imagine that the key to this technique is being super consistent so that he really learns that the quicker he calms down, the sooner he can come out. I'm looking forward to it hopefully taking less time next time. I keep thinking about that example you shared about these investments we make now during parenting (even though they can be heart-breaking and challenging) will really pay off later.

 
Such a cool story.  Now, for the second one here’s what the mom wrote me after reading my monthly newsletter:

I love reading your emails and still value so much what I learnt on your course. I won’t say I always do it perfectly but I do try. So I have an example of a situation that I am finding difficult right now. I am a scout leader at my 6-year old’s Girl Scout group. At the meetings I lead a lot of the activities which means I need to focus and ensure I am fair to everyone. My 6-year-old acts out a lot at the meetings. She demands more attention than anybody else and constantly interrupts me. I try to explain nicely that she needs to wait her turn or stop messing around, but she doesn’t hear me and starts to be nasty to me and others around her. It is extremely distracting and as I am leading I don’t have the option to remove her from the situation and have a chat about it. I end up annoyed by the end of the meeting and embarrassed as there are other parents there too. I have tried to explain calmly when we are at home that I love her very much but cannot give her special attention at Scouts. I explain that she needs to view me as if I am a teacher in this situation. The next meeting is coming up soon and I am dreading it. Do you have any suggestions on how to avoid a similar situation? Thanks, Nancy

Nancy’s issues of a child behaving badly in public certainly aren’t unique but coming up with some ideas that would best fit her daughter’s situation was.  She was able to continue explaining to me how her daughter is really hard on herself, that she gets really upset when she isn’t doing something perfectly and feels even worse when others notice when they are in public.  It seemed to me she was getting the impression she had to be perfect all the time, that she wasn’t getting enough grit training in her life.  We decided Nancy needed to sit down with Jenny and have a heart to heart before the next Girl Scout meeting to try to sort things out.  My advice was to make sure she used lots of open-ended questions and not lecture Jenny on what the outcome should be.  Her daughter needed to know that she was loved no matter how she behaved and help her learn how to have grit and know things can get better even if they go badly sometimes.  She’s only 6 so she’ll have plenty of time to practice grit if they start now. 

Nancy also thought there might be a complicating factor with her daughter reacting to the very sugary snacks that families brought to start off each scout meeting.  We decided that Nancy should do the same brainstorming with Jenny on this topic as well.  
 
Here’s what Nancy wrote back:

Hi Mary,
I had a chat with Jenny this afternoon about the meeting. We sat on the beanbag in her room and I gave her hug and told her that I love her always no matter what. Then I said you know how I chose to lead the scouts this year, just wondering if you like that I do that or would prefer I didn’t? She said she really liked it and loved spending time with me there. I then asked ‘How do you think the last meeting went?’. She replied, ‘Not too good’. I asked ‘what do you think was not good?’. She replied: "I acted out and was mean to you and others." I asked her how she felt at the last meeting. She said: ‘angry, frustrated and embarrassed because I was being bad’. I asked how it made her feel when I corrected her and asked her to stop doing something. She said that it embarrassed her and she felt like she was being bad. I asked her what she would like to do at the next meeting if I need to say something to her. She suggested to go outside to talk. I said good idea but what if I am in the middle of something and can’t leave? She thought a bit, I then suggested that maybe we should have a secret code so I could tell her when I need her to stop doing something or pay attention without others knowing. She loved that idea. I asked her to think of what she would like as a code. We had a bit of fun with that and laughed together at some of the funny ideas she came up with. She thought of 5 and I then asked her to select the one she liked the most. She picked a small teddy bear. I put it in the scouts backpack for tomorrow. She suggested then that maybe we could have a different one every week and I agreed that was a great idea. We also agreed that if she was feeling upset or angry that she could go outside the door for a break to reset regardless of what was going on. 
We then got on to the snack. That was kind of easy as she is also dairy-free right now for allergy reasons. If asked what she thought of the snacks. She said she didn’t know what it might be and if it was cookies with milk, she might not be able to have it. So, I said what can we do if it is? She suggested waiting until she got home and then having something? I said what if you are hungry? She then suggested that we bring some things from home in case. We went out to the kitchen and she chose the snacks and drink she wanted to take and was happy with that. I finished off by asking if we could have another chat after the meeting to see how she thought it went and she agreed that would be good. 


Fingers crossed for tomorrow!!   Nancy

Well, that was AMAZING but the story gets better… 
A few days later I followed up with Nancy:

The meeting went so much better than the last time. I gave her a lot of space and let her realize when she needed to share e.g. glue etc.  Then we had the moment that could have turned the meeting. Her little 3-year-old sister walked on her art project and got glue on a place it should not have gone. She got really annoyed and hit her, sister screamed and hit back. I didn’t say a word- took sister away, got the teddy and handed it to Jenny. She looked at me and kind of nodded and smiled and got back to her project. A minute later she came to me and handed back the teddy. So simple - it defused the whole situation without me needing to say a word. The rest of the meeting went really smoothly and we all went home happy. We talked about it after and she agreed it was a much better meeting. She is excited to pick another secret code for our next meeting.

Wow, amazing how that brainstorming really turned around not only bad behavior but really empowered Jenny in a way that really built more confidence and grit into her.   
Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed this podcast and have some new ideas or refreshed some old ones about how to get more calm into your families – by you keeping calm and not taking offense at your child’s tantrums, by allowing your children to have calm down time and then, when needed, creating special time with them so you can brainstorm ideas about how to help empower them to keep calm in the future before tantrums can arise.  
 
Link to UH Oh Song Info
0 Comments

PODCAST Episode 3 - Building Resilience: Remember to Forget

3/4/2020

0 Comments

 
THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:  LISTEN

Thanks for coming back to listen to more practical parenting wisdom.  Today we’re going to talk about situations where a parent “forgetting” provides for powerful and helpful life-long lessons for kids. 

In this episode I’m going to go over some real examples from parents who have attended parenting classes that I’ve been facilitating since 2012, Parenting the Love and Logic Way®.  All these parents had just learned new skills, they weren’t aged veterans who’d been doing this a long time.  In these examples you can see that just making a few changes in your parenting can have a big impact on your family.  Let’s get started with learning to forget.

MISSING SWIM TOWELS AND GOGGLES
The first story is about a mom of 4 young kids who let her two oldest daughters learn what happens when they forget stuff. Here’s what she wrote me:
I told the girls to get ready for swim class. I usually remind them to bring their towels and goggles. I had gotten busy with other things and I did not remind them. They have been going to this class all school year so they know what they need to bring with them. We drove to class and when we arrived discovered they both had forgotten their towels and goggles. I have in the past bought goggles and towels from the swim school when things have been forgotten. But today was different, I told them that since they forgot them there would be no swim class today and we drove home. There were tears and I just sympathized and said “I know” and “that really stinks”. When we got home we discussed how they used my gas and energy to drive them to nowhere. So to pay me back they both chose a chore around the house. 
Wow!  This is so cool! That mom took the bull by the horns and tried something new.  You know what happened the next week when going to swimming lessons?  Yep,  her daughters remembered both their towels and goggles.  Woohoo!

HOCKEY HOPEFULNESS
Our next story is similar.  A 10-year old boy who loves ice hockey who arrived at the rink and was just getting his gear out of his bag for a practice and noticed that his skates were missing. Yes, his SKATES. Not good. “Dad, Mom, we gotta go back home! My skates are at home!” Dad empathetically and in a low tone of voice said. “Oh nooooo that is so sad… you forgot your skates. Our house is 30 minutes away. We’re not driving there and back for your skates today. What are you going to do about it?”
“I don’t know. I can’t practice without my skates! The coach is going to be so mad. Why can’t we go back and get them??!!”

“As we told you, we don’t have the time or the energy to go back home. What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know.” He sulks…
“Would you like some suggestions?” they said.
“What? Hmm… ok…”
“Well, some kids might decide to sit on the bench and just watch practice. How would that work for you?”
“That’s no good. Coach won’t like me sitting doing nothing.”
“Well, some kids might take some money and buy a new pair of skates from the skate shop here at the rink. How would that work for you?”
“Hmm… well, I do have some money from my birthday that I could use. I’ll do that!”
So a new pair of skates was purchased using the boy’s own money.

These hockey parents used their new problem-solving skills to perfection. They gave empathy first, handed the problem back to their child and then asked if he wanted suggestions. They only gave suggestions AFTER he agree to listen to some from them. They did NOT nag, remind or berate him for the situation that he had created for himself. The NATURAL consequences of his poor decision of not packing his gear more carefully in the first place was the consequence he needed.  Some parents might look for extra punishments to pile on but there’s no need.  Love and empathy and saying things like “wow, that certainly was a bummer to forget your skates.” Is all you need to help cement the impact of the natural consequence.  This is a perfect case of “less is more”. 
 
SUNSCREEN LESSONS
Another parent attending my class accepted my challenge of letting her kids forget something.  It was summer and they were headed to Tahoe on vacation.  She was a bit tired of being responsible for applying sunscreen to her 10, 8 and 6-year-old kids.  She wanted to make sure they were covered, head to toe which is why she did it, sunburns were no fun.  Well, she decided this could be a learning opportunity for her kids and it turned out to be for herself as well.  First, she communicated her new plan. On the way to Tahoe, she told them putting on sunscreen was now their job, not hers.  They were surprised, mom had never given them the option to put it on themselves.  Well, much to her surprise, they did it!  No complaints even.  They just did it!  Mom was impressed it was so easy that she didn’t even expect they would do a good job of, they did.  They proved to her they were capable!  She was actually prepared for a bit of sunburn here and there but there was hardly any.  Wow!  Her kids were capable and she had been holding them back.  What a precious lesson for a parent to learn.  What might your child be able to do that you don’t even know since you’re not letting them prove to you and themselves that they CAN do something?
 
COLD KID
In another instance, I was at church chatting with a family from my small group which is centered around parenting young children.  I noticed their 7-year-old son was in shorts and a tee shirt jumping around with his hands deep in the pockets of his lightweight shorts.  Mom is a pretty skilled parent after being in our group for a few years.  She and I just smiled and she said how she lets her son dress himself.  I asked him if he was cold and he immediately said, “No, I’m fine.”  I loved it!  Mom was letting him learn how to dress based on the weather instead of forcing him to wear clothes that she might deem more appropriate.  He wasn’t going to freeze, we live in a mild climate, so what a great opportunity for him to learn when he’s so young.  He’s learning how he feels based on what his body is telling him, not his parents.  By the time he leaves home for college he’ll be all set.
 
COLD TEEN
However, this same lesson about weather turned out a little different with a teenage girl whose parents were attending my class.  Friday night was a football game at school and when their daughter was getting ready to go it was pretty mild weather, not cold.  She decided to head to the game in short shorts and a tank top.  She sure was cute! 

Well, by halftime they got a call.  Guess who it was?  Guess who was cold?  Could they please bring her a coat?  Oh, this was so sad, the parents said.  They were in the middle of a movie.  They wouldn’t be able to run over and bring a coat.  They were loving and gave lots of empathy to her plight of being cold. One thing they did NOT do was lecture her about how she should have brought a coat.  No nagging, no reminding is what will seal in life lessons with our kids. 

They did this perfectly and they admitted to me that they had a smile on their faces since this whole situation proved to be so predictable.  The only thing no longer predictable was them rescuing her.  A week later when their daughter left for the next football game, do you know what she was carrying in her hand?  Yep, a coat!  See, even if you have a teenager it’s possible to make progress if we allow our kids to own their actions and we don’t step in to rescue or lecture them when something goes wrong.   
 

Finder Parents
All these stories about kids who forget things reminds me of something I had to deal with myself and I find many parents have the same “skill”.  The skill I am talking about is being what I call the “Finder Parent”.  I’m sure you can guess what this might be just from the fun title I’ve given it.  We are the parents who can find anything, anywhere for our family members. 
  
·        When our kid shouts out “Where are my soccer cleats?” We are the people who tell them they are under a pile of dirty laundry in their room and not in the garage shoe bench where they should be.  If someone needs a band aid, or scissors, or a certain type of graph paper or a favorite toy? We can point to the item without batting an eye or lifting a finger. 

·        Being the Finder Parent is a tough job since as The Finder if you don’t find something like the basketball shoes before game then it is YOUR fault that a child is late or can’t play.  It’s your fault if the appropriate coat can’t be found or a school form is missing that needs to be turned in.  It’s a job with very few rewards and many downsides like getting yelled at or being made to feel guilty that someone wasn’t ready for some event or another on time because YOU couldn’t find something.  This totally sucks! Who signed us up for such a thankless task?  We did!  Yep… every one of us signed ourselves up.  Why?  We just want things to go well!  We want people to be on time and have their stuff and us knowing immediately where things are really helps.  Or does it?  Hmmm….

·        As you can probably tell by now The Finder is really a house helicopter and if that’s you that is one job you need to resign from ASAP!  Yep, just resign. 

·        When you see your kids kick off their shoes in random places and they don’t care that they might not be able to find them later, then you need not care either.  When a kid’s water bottle is left in the car and not refilled because they forgot to bring it in, you forget that too.  They yell in the morning “Where’s my water bottle?” as they’re getting their things together you just lovingly say “I don’t’ know honey, where did you leave it?  I bet if you look you can find it.”  “I looked; I can’t find it!”  You reply lovingly in an empathetic tone of voice, “That’s so sad, what are you going to do about it?” 

·        When your kid has to go to soccer or baseball and they pick up their gear bag without looking inside to see if everything is there, make sure you don’t look either.  I know, it’s soooo tempting but, just don’t look.  Once you get to the field and your kid finally notices they don’t have their shin guards or cup, you just give them love and empathy.  “Oh no, that is too bad.  I’m so sorry. “ You don’t start lecturing.  You just give love and empathy!!  That will be really, really hard but just hold to that – love and empathy.  “But mom, I can’t play without shin guards!”  “I know, that’s so sad.”  “Why didn’t you pack my gear?!  It’s your fault!  Go home and get it right now so I can play!”  This will be a hard game for them to sit out but you just say in that loving and empathetic voice you’ve been practicing, “I can see how you might feel that way but in our house your gear is your gear.  I love you and I’m sure next time you’ll get everything in your bag.”  This whole scenario will work a lot better if you have a family meeting ahead of time to lay out the new Family Rule that your children own their gear and get it ready, not you.  I would encourage you to add to a  rule for unpacking gear being their job too -  sports gear,  lunchboxes, and backpacks should all be included in that list. 

·        It’s hard to watch our kids fail but the more we let them own their “stuff” and the earlier in their lives they know it’s “their stuff” then they learn to not rely on others to take care of it, but to responsible and that’s what we need them to be   in the long run.  Remember, our goal is to create responsible adults and doing that will involve lessons like all of these.
​
One last thought I have for all of you is that I want you to know that I’m not asking you to abandon your kids.  I certainly want to encourage you to help and coach your kids moving toward the right behaviors.  To accomplish this we need to be coaches, giving them hints from the sidelines where we brainstorm with them maybe how to come up with a list of items that go into a sports gear bag or what needs to go into a backpack before leaving for school.  We don’t’ step in early and give them a plan; we wait till they ask and we give empathy and love when things aren’t going well instead of lecturing and taking over.  It’s hard to watch sometimes but in the long run things will get better and better when we learn to forget. 


0 Comments

STOPPING REPEATED BEHAVIORS -- HOW?

10/17/2019

0 Comments

 
Many parents find themselves pulling out their hair and punishing for the same behaviors day after day.  There doesn't seem to be a real consequence that gets to the heart of our kids so that they understand that a certain behavior is unacceptable EVERY day, not just when they are caught each day.  

If you find yourself correcting bad behavior over and over again, day after day, it's time to have a sit down talk.  I call it a Brainstorming Session, it's problem solving for a family situation.  The session is so that problem solving skills can be used to squash the behavior which has gotten out of control.  

Here's how it works:  

1 - Plan a Meeting
Have it be in a quiet place where things are calm.  For kids 6 to 18 consider going out to a sit-down restaurant so that a longer conversation is possible and no one can walk out.  If multiple kids are involved, they all should be invited. Plan the meeting a few days out and keep in mind that you and your child need to be in a good mood or at least not emotional for this to work. 

2 - Talk about Ideas
While sitting together let your child(ren) know that a certain behavior is bothering you.  Tell them that this is an opportunity to brainstorm ideas about how to stop the behavior since what you've been doing hasn't worked.  

It's important to get their input!  If the problem is your kids are hitting each other or taking each other's stuff talk about how to separate either the stuff or the kids into "safe zones" in the house or car.  Be creative!  Set up physical barriers if needed, even enlisting help to build them.  

If your child is screeching all the time, maybe come up with a word or phrase to use which will let them know they are above your limits.  You might get a comfort toy that they hold to help them calm down or have them go to their room.  But you might say: "I already have them go to their room!".  Yes,  you probably do but this is a discussion ahead of time where your child is offered choices of where they'd like to go or what they'd like to do when the annoying behavior happens.  That way it's not a punishment as much as a given and it's not done in anger.  You tell your child with empathy and love what was already decided.

3 - Narrow the List and TRY!
Once you brainstorm a few ideas set up a trial period.  This allows our kids to see that problems are solved over time, not immediately.  Try something for a week then try a different thing the next week.  

4 - Check in
Lots of families forget this important step!  They come up with an idea or two and implement it thinking it will work forever.  Even it if is working it's wonderful to check in and say: "Wow!  That really changed things!"  Or, as might happen:  "Well, that was interesting this week.  It seems we might need some tweaking.  What should we try next week?"  Keep checking in each week.  Communication is super important and builds relationship and trust. 

Some of you might find that the first idea is terrible, that your kid immediately disobeys or ignores you.  No problem, schedule ANOTHER meeting sooner but not while you're angry.  Talk about how that idea needs to be revamped.  Ask your child what is setting off the bad behavior and work with them to find ways to better control what is happening to them.  If it's a sibling taking things and barriers aren't working maybe it's a lock on a cabinet.  If it's screeching that bothers your ears, maybe it's a farther away room that they go to.  If the electronics are still being misused maybe it's time to try a week without any electronics.  

It can be tiring but once annoying behaviors are worked through there's a huge payoff in sanity so keep at it!
0 Comments
<<Previous

    Categories

    All
    Affordable Mistakes
    Brain Dead
    Bullying
    Choices
    Elementary Years
    Empathy
    Energy Drain
    One Liners
    Podcast
    Preschoolers
    Problem Solving
    Screen Time
    Setting Limits
    Sibling Rivalry
    Teens & 'Tweens
    Training Sessions
    Uh Oh Song

    Archives

    April 2025
    March 2025
    January 2025
    October 2024
    June 2024
    April 2024
    March 2024
    February 2024
    January 2024
    November 2023
    May 2023
    March 2023
    December 2022
    September 2022
    August 2022
    June 2022
    April 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    February 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    September 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    March 2014
    January 2014

Mary Eschen, ACC - Parenting Podcaster and Educator​
Copyright © by Mary Eschen. All Rights Reserved.

​Website by
TegneLink Design