Many parents find themselves pulling out their hair and punishing for the same behaviors day after day. There doesn't seem to be a real consequence that gets to the heart of our kids so that they understand that a certain behavior is unacceptable EVERY day, not just when they are caught each day.
If you find yourself correcting bad behavior over and over again, day after day, it's time to have a sit down talk. I call it a Brainstorming Session, it's problem solving for a family situation. The session is so that problem solving skills can be used to squash the behavior which has gotten out of control.
Here's how it works:
1 - Plan a Meeting
Have it be in a quiet place where things are calm. For kids 6 to 18 consider going out to a sit-down restaurant so that a longer conversation is possible and no one can walk out. If multiple kids are involved, they all should be invited. Plan the meeting a few days out and keep in mind that you and your child need to be in a good mood or at least not emotional for this to work.
2 - Talk about Ideas
While sitting together let your child(ren) know that a certain behavior is bothering you. Tell them that this is an opportunity to brainstorm ideas about how to stop the behavior since what you've been doing hasn't worked.
It's important to get their input! If the problem is your kids are hitting each other or taking each other's stuff talk about how to separate either the stuff or the kids into "safe zones" in the house or car. Be creative! Set up physical barriers if needed, even enlisting help to build them.
If your child is screeching all the time, maybe come up with a word or phrase to use which will let them know they are above your limits. You might get a comfort toy that they hold to help them calm down or have them go to their room. But you might say: "I already have them go to their room!". Yes, you probably do but this is a discussion ahead of time where your child is offered choices of where they'd like to go or what they'd like to do when the annoying behavior happens. That way it's not a punishment as much as a given and it's not done in anger. You tell your child with empathy and love what was already decided.
3 - Narrow the List and TRY!
Once you brainstorm a few ideas set up a trial period. This allows our kids to see that problems are solved over time, not immediately. Try something for a week then try a different thing the next week.
4 - Check in
Lots of families forget this important step! They come up with an idea or two and implement it thinking it will work forever. Even it if is working it's wonderful to check in and say: "Wow! That really changed things!" Or, as might happen: "Well, that was interesting this week. It seems we might need some tweaking. What should we try next week?" Keep checking in each week. Communication is super important and builds relationship and trust.
Some of you might find that the first idea is terrible, that your kid immediately disobeys or ignores you. No problem, schedule ANOTHER meeting sooner but not while you're angry. Talk about how that idea needs to be revamped. Ask your child what is setting off the bad behavior and work with them to find ways to better control what is happening to them. If it's a sibling taking things and barriers aren't working maybe it's a lock on a cabinet. If it's screeching that bothers your ears, maybe it's a farther away room that they go to. If the electronics are still being misused maybe it's time to try a week without any electronics.
It can be tiring but once annoying behaviors are worked through there's a huge payoff in sanity so keep at it!
If you find yourself correcting bad behavior over and over again, day after day, it's time to have a sit down talk. I call it a Brainstorming Session, it's problem solving for a family situation. The session is so that problem solving skills can be used to squash the behavior which has gotten out of control.
Here's how it works:
1 - Plan a Meeting
Have it be in a quiet place where things are calm. For kids 6 to 18 consider going out to a sit-down restaurant so that a longer conversation is possible and no one can walk out. If multiple kids are involved, they all should be invited. Plan the meeting a few days out and keep in mind that you and your child need to be in a good mood or at least not emotional for this to work.
2 - Talk about Ideas
While sitting together let your child(ren) know that a certain behavior is bothering you. Tell them that this is an opportunity to brainstorm ideas about how to stop the behavior since what you've been doing hasn't worked.
It's important to get their input! If the problem is your kids are hitting each other or taking each other's stuff talk about how to separate either the stuff or the kids into "safe zones" in the house or car. Be creative! Set up physical barriers if needed, even enlisting help to build them.
If your child is screeching all the time, maybe come up with a word or phrase to use which will let them know they are above your limits. You might get a comfort toy that they hold to help them calm down or have them go to their room. But you might say: "I already have them go to their room!". Yes, you probably do but this is a discussion ahead of time where your child is offered choices of where they'd like to go or what they'd like to do when the annoying behavior happens. That way it's not a punishment as much as a given and it's not done in anger. You tell your child with empathy and love what was already decided.
3 - Narrow the List and TRY!
Once you brainstorm a few ideas set up a trial period. This allows our kids to see that problems are solved over time, not immediately. Try something for a week then try a different thing the next week.
4 - Check in
Lots of families forget this important step! They come up with an idea or two and implement it thinking it will work forever. Even it if is working it's wonderful to check in and say: "Wow! That really changed things!" Or, as might happen: "Well, that was interesting this week. It seems we might need some tweaking. What should we try next week?" Keep checking in each week. Communication is super important and builds relationship and trust.
Some of you might find that the first idea is terrible, that your kid immediately disobeys or ignores you. No problem, schedule ANOTHER meeting sooner but not while you're angry. Talk about how that idea needs to be revamped. Ask your child what is setting off the bad behavior and work with them to find ways to better control what is happening to them. If it's a sibling taking things and barriers aren't working maybe it's a lock on a cabinet. If it's screeching that bothers your ears, maybe it's a farther away room that they go to. If the electronics are still being misused maybe it's time to try a week without any electronics.
It can be tiring but once annoying behaviors are worked through there's a huge payoff in sanity so keep at it!