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Podcast 18: Distance Learning During COVID

8/31/2020

THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE: LISTEN

I'm not sure what to say about living through history at this moment in time. I live in California where virtually all schools are doing remote learning. I know my podcast reaches outside of California so hopefully not everyone has to deal with all the issues I’m going to talk about. We never expected to be having distanced learning due to a worldwide pandemic. We certainly have to get through to the other side and we will get through it. This article is meant to give you some food for thought in setting up your family for success with remote learning.

You all know I love practical parenting so I’m going to start with the physical setup ideas of how to get things running smoothly then move on to things like setting up routines, family rules and how to keep things fun and flexible.

Let’s dive in!

Lots of you have already started your distanced learning this school year so just listen for some ideas to make adjustments if you’ve got some bumpy areas going.

1 - Physical LEARNING AREA

Organize - I’m sure your school has already recommended you set up a quiet and organized area for your student with a desk and chair, not a bed. Having bins or shelves with supplies can really help keep things organized so your child doesn’t get frustrated trying to find different items. If at all possible, you want to make sure the table height and chair height are appropriate for the size of your child. Kids sitting in adult-sized chairs for long periods of time can be really uncomfortable and distract from learning. If you’re on a limited budget, ask your school if you can borrow a desk for the duration of online learning.

Get rid of distractions – One of the biggest helps for learning at home is to get rid of distractions, meaning toys and stuff, from the work area.

One family I work with has the option of having their kids in their bedrooms with a desk and supplies. To prepare, they spent the week before school clearing out any visible toys from around the study area. Their son loves Legos so that meant not only Legos off the floor but also off the shelves and out of the room.

Another family with a 1st grade daughter found that even though she was blessed to have her own room that it wasn’t going to work for them. It was too hard to pack up all her toys and too far away from mom watching over her. They got creative and set up a workspace on the dining table using one of those tri-fold poster boards to create her own little cubby area. They even had her decorate it. She had all of her supplies nearby but also a buffer from things like anyone else in the house walking by. If your child is in a public space, you might want to try to build a cardboard barrier like that.

Lastly, you also need minimize other types of distractions like the family pets and siblings who are babies or toddlers who might cause disruptions not only for your student but for the entire online classroom. Your child’s teacher will often help manage some distractions but please, please discuss not having excess noises like eating, doing dishes, vacuuming, cooking and such going on while your student is learning and trying to concentrate.

Provide quiet and focus – Next we’re going to talk about how to get a quiet environment. Lots of families are using headphones to block out noises from the home while helping to keep kids focus. I love the idea. If you have the flexibility, have your child select the headphones. If they aren’t comfortable, you might try different types or figure out another location in your house that they can be alone and not have to have headphones on.

I talked to a mom who felt it odd that she can’t hear what’s going on in her daughter’s classroom since the headphones block out what the teacher is teaching and what other students are saying. She’d really like to listen in, but she had to remind herself that if this was a real classroom, she wouldn’t be able to do that. We do need to trust our teachers and let our kids know we are here to assist, not to attend school with them.

If you have an older student, you might run into this other issue with headphones. One student objected to their very functional headphones because they didn’t look cool enough, so she didn’t want to use them, but it disrupted the whole family when she didn’t since her sister and parents were also all working from home. What do you do with that? We should show empathy for that child and allow them to use their own money to purchase any other headphones they deem more appropriate. You provide the basics is what I’d recommend and allow them the flexibility to use their own money to upgrade if they want to.

Moving around – Now some families are finding that their kids need to have different locations through the day or week to keep things fresh. It’s really hard for kids to sit in one place for a long time so they are getting out of their chairs and wandering when things get boring or hard. Maybe they do online in one location but do their required reading on their bed or a comfortable chair.
- If you have multiple kids who need some variety in location, set up a schedule of who goes where and when. Maybe one location is the kitchen table and another is more private. If both kids want the same location feel free to ask them how they’d like to rotate – daily, weekly or maybe even throughout the day. Let them have input if at all possible. You know I love Family Meetings and this could be a topic for your family.
- If you have other areas of your home, feel free to use them as long as they are set up ahead of time. One family is working to figure out how to rotate to the backyard picnic table while the weather is still nice out for a few hours a day. It might take some trial and error to figure out how long and what time of day, but it’s worth a try. You allowing for flexibility in keeping kids engaged in fresh ways to learn is really helpful.
Charge devices - Keeping devices charged and ready to go is also super important. When devices fail families get crazy stressed out with anxiety about missing out on work or being embarrassed that they aren’t online when everyone else is. Many families are finding that chargers with extension cords or power strips that remain plugged in all day and night works best. The rule should be: If your kid is online, they should be plugged in.
Check video and audio connections – You also need to make sure video, audio and connectivity is working. Someone should test all of these out probably 30 minutes before class starts in the morning. If you have a child in 3rd grade or higher, they should be the one testing everything out. If there are problems, work with them to train them on what was done to fix the problem. Some schools have special hotlines set up for students and parents to call for technical assistance. If you’re fortunate to have that support, have that number or web address printed out on a paper and posted somewhere really obvious so you can call or email without a struggle if you need outside help. With school starting up the this issue is probably the most stressful for just about every family I talked to. Prepare for problems and know what you’ll do if they happen.
Keep online safety in mind – Now I want to talk about online safety. If you’ve listened to my podcasts on Screen Time Issues, episodes 11 and 12, you know how highly I press home the point to keep all electronics in public places. Well, for some of you with multiple kids learning at home in addition to adults working from home, you might have to compromise and let kids work in their bedrooms, sometimes even with the door closed. In this difficult time we need to be flexible, I think it’s fine to revise some of those screen time rules but not to throw them out the window.

During the times of the day that online learning is happening, room time screen time is fine. Once online learning is done, all devices come out of the rooms or get powered down. If that doesn’t happen and you find your kid on YouTube or Fortnite, make sure you have consequences defined just like you have in the Digital Contract for your home that was talked about in the Screen Time podcasts.
I would also recommend letting everyone know that once we return to in-person learning that the family screen time rules will go back to being what they were with no screens in bedrooms. Mention that every so once in a while so that it’s not a big shock when the rules are imposed again later on.

Just to let you know how serious this is, I already heard from one school that they had to deal with a 5th grade boy logging on to porn during class time. Just imagine what can happen if you left the device in the bedroom day and night with no supervision.

2 - ESTABLISH CLEAR ROUTINES
Now I want to move on to how to keep things running smoothly in your home through all of this by establishing clear routines so everyone knows what to expect, it’s not a jumble every day.

DAILY SCHEDULE -Have a daily schedule not only for academics that most schools are already providing, but also for family routines. When does everyone wake up? Eat breakfast? Make it be as much like “real school” as possible. You won’t have to get “out the door” but being “in your seat” and having guidelines for getting there is really helpful to everyone. Do the same for after school and bedtime routines so that things feel “normal”.
POST INFO - You might want to post their routines on a bulletin board or on the kitchen fridge so that they can, or you can, refer to them.
WEEKLY SCHEDULE - In addition, have a weekly schedule to show assignments and assessments plus other fun activities both with school, family and friends. Have your child make the schedule if at all possible.
I found a fun resource on Pinterest that I’ll include in the show notes that has blank daily and weekly schedules and even some useful signs to print out so your kids can let others know if they’re online or taking a test or on away from their computer.

Next, set up regular CHECK-IN times with your child especially if they are in elementary school.
- Morning – it could just over breakfast
  - What subjects are today?
  - Any tests/assessments coming up?
  - What resources do you need?
  - What can mom/dad do to help?
- End of Day – maybe right after online learning ends but could be at dinner or before bedtime
  - How far did you get in your tasks?
  - What did you discover?
  - What did you do great? (“Glow”)
  - What was hard? (“Grow” opportunities)
  - What could we do to make tomorrow better?
- Most reports I have from high school students and their parents is that the students are tracking their own schedules, but parents should still lovingly check in to see how things are going.

YOU NEED TO HELP WITH TIME – Another area to assist with time. Time is a tricky thing. If you’re too young to tell time, it can be stressful to know if you’re on time, if you’re older you can get distracted and not even look at a clock. Using timers and alarms can be a godsend. Figuring out if you need an alarm for a specific time like 8:30am to get online vs. setting a countdown timer that shows how much of a 90-minute session is left can be really helpful.

One family told me their son was so anxious about getting back online after lunch that he was short-changing himself time allocated to lunch. Setting an alarm really helped him but a countdown timer that starts at noon and counts down for 60 minutes can work too. Ask your child and experiment with what works for them. You can get timers from Target or Amazon or download timer and alarm apps from the internet.

3 – Another thing you want to do is ENCOURAGE INDEPENDENCE

There are a few things you can do to help to do that:
Let the teacher teach! Don’t assume you have to do the teaching. Yes, you might answer a question or two, but you don’t need to learn how to teach algebra, that’s what the teacher is for.
Let your child own their work. The more you can let your child own their education, the better off everyone will be. Training your child to take charge of their schedule, devices and school work is where we need to head. Let them make mistakes and you be around to help problem solve. From what I’ve heard kids who are 4th grade and older are doing pretty well understanding that their school is their school and they don’t need a parent hovering very much at all.
Train them to ask their teacher. Let them ask the teacher for help, don’t step in and ask the teacher for them. Show them how to ask for help, model it for them. Model anything and everything they need to be successful. Don’t do things for them, if at all possible. If you feel that you need to talk to the teacher make sure your child is around to participate.

4 – SUPPORT FAMILY LEARNING

When school isn’t in session, try to look for creative opportunities to include learning in the rest of the day:
- Cooking - Math/science/reading– measure things, fractions, weigh things, read recipes – make cookies, make dinner, make sourdough bread, just make anything and include your kids
- Laundry – Math – count socks, matching, sorting like things
- Gardening – science
- Vacuuming or sweeping – PE!
- Just have fun!
BOREDOM BUSTERS – It would also be helpful to have ideas ready in the event that things are going sideways with either learning or the environment. If they can’t connect, make sure they know there are options of other things they can do. Keep a list of those nearby so they are easy for them to find. If they can’t read yet, make picture posters of ideas but the point is that you are prepared with things to do. I’ll put a link to my Pinterest pages with activity ideas.

https://www.pinterest.com/maryeschenparentingdecoded/boredom-busters/
https://www.pinterest.com/maryeschenparentingdecoded/kids-fun-indoor-activities/
https://www.pinterest.com/maryeschenparentingdecoded/activities-for-teens/

5 – LEAD YOUR TEAM THROUGH CHALLENGING TIMES
The last point I want to go over is tying in what some of you heard in Episode 17. I encouraged families to come together as a team to solve challenges, so burdens are shared and solutions celebrated. We need to do this with distanced learning issues. When problems arise, you need to lead your family team to solutions! Here are some topics I’ve run across in my discussions with parents lately are probably affecting quite a few of you:

Quiet times – when are they? When can people run the dishwasher or play music?
When can you interrupt mom/dad when they’re working? Is it any time or a set time of day?
How are the interruptions done? Is there a signal? One family has their kids slide a note under the office door to let dad know they need help. Another family can see mom through a glass door into her office and stand quietly outside till mom can give them a hint about how long it will be till she can see them.
How are emotions handled? If there are problems that are serious, how can everyone keep their wits about them? What can we put in place if the work gets hard for our kids to let off some steam? Or if they’re bored?
Time with friends- is there a schedule? A time limit? Can they meet their friends online or do they form a pod with a few other families so they can see each other in person? What are the rules for meeting in person, how can it be safe?
Special time with parents per kid – when can each kid have some special time with mom or with dad? What schedule can work for your family to make sure you have time to connect?

I want to tell you about a single mom who reached out to me at her wits end. Her 5th grade son was getting so bored with his online school during the day that he’d constantly get up to get snacks, go to the bathroom, do art or Legos. He wasn’t paying attention. It was so frustrating for mom. Now when we’re upset our brains often go offline and we just can’t even think straight. After chatting with her for a while, it became obvious that she needed to set up a Family Meeting and go over some of these challenges. They needed to solve them together.

The two of us brainstormed for a bit so that she’d have some ideas for the meeting. We talked about if there were other locations rather than just the kitchen table that her son could be at where mom was also trying to work and couldn’t get anything done with her son roaming around. They are in an apartment so there aren’t many options, but no one was using one of the bedrooms and there was also a balcony available. Could they work something out so that he rotated to different areas throughout the day? He also has a really great teacher and we talked about how they could enlist her help in either coming up with more challenging work or different ways to engage her son so that he doesn’t get so bored. Also, maybe there are some quiet toys he can keep nearby that will keep him in his seat or how about a “no snacks till recess” rule? It’ll be trial and error for a bit but at least they can be a team to tackle the boredom problem so that mom can get back to work and so can he.

BE FLEXIBLE AND STAY IN TOUCH
The final and most important thing I want to go over is to do what you know is right for your child. Some kids will be emotional roller coasters with anxiety. Please be gentle and be flexible in this challenging time that none of us have ever been through before. Nobody expects parents to replace classroom teachers. And no one expects children to perfectly mimic a classroom situation at home. Positive intentions, love, consistency, and grace will go a long way towards helping all of us survive this period of isolation and emerge as better people on the other side. Hang in there!

I hope this was helpful. If you’d like to spend some time brainstorming your challenges with me, I’m happy to assist. You can either email me at [email protected] or join my Facebook Group called Parenting Decoded and post your issues there for others to learn from. It’s a “private” group and if you have any trouble joining it, just email me.

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Podcast 17 - Calming the Chaos using Family Meetings

8/13/2020

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Many of us struggle with kids who whine, disobey and maybe even lie just to get their way. We get so exasperated we want to explode and some of us certainly do explode. Our buttons are pushed and we just don’t know what to do. In this podcast we’ll explore what happens in our families if we’re always operating in “crisis mode” then talk about ways to avoid ever getting into that mode by using Family Meetings to set boundaries and limits while communicating as a family what behaviors are acceptable and expected.

WHAT BOUNDARIES ARE BEING EXCEEDED IN YOUR HOME?

Let’s start off with the obvious list of which parenting traps you might be falling into:

WHINING
Do your kids wear you down with whining until you either explode or give in? It works often enough for the kid that they keep doing it over and over. Do they want another cookie? Or maybe to interrupt you on a phone call?

NAGGING
Does your child ignore your requests so you then proceed to nag them into compliance? Every time we remind, we’re training them that what we say doesn’t mean a thing.

LYING
Has your child told you a lie in order to get their way? “No, I didn’t hit Jimmy.” Or “I still have 15 minutes left of computer time” when you know they’ve had more than their fill?

TOO MANY RULES
Are you good about setting up lots of rules but your kids are always ignoring them? Or are you a Drill Sergeant who has lots of rules but get compliance from yelling and telling your kids what to do? Often times kids will become defiant when too many rules are constantly enforced especially when they don’t agree with all the rules.

SHAMING
Do you use phrases to motivate your “lazy” or “dirty” kid to do things? “What a slob!” “You smell like a pig, go take a shower!” “No one would want to be with you, you’re so stupid.” “You are such a cry-baby.” “Why do you always break things?”

BRIBING
Or are you a parent who gets compliance with money or other currency like computer time? You tell your child if they do their chores, they get money. If they clean their room, they get computer time. I’m all in for having levers and knowing our kids’ currency but I want to put such a valuable commodity to better use.
In all of these circumstances we’re reacting to our kids without a thoughtful plan and easily become overwhelmed and often irritated. I was working with a family last week and the mom was just so frazzled having her 4 kids, ages 3 to 11, home all summer. She felt her kids just totally ignored her. It was pretty much mayhem and every day seemed like a bad day. Just going to the pool for what should have been a fun time swimming wound up being a struggle from getting into the car to the pool and back.

So, fine, we’ll all admit that we’re weak in at least one or two of those areas. Ok? Now what?

BOUNDARIES – What do they look like?

First, let’s recognize what a boundary might look like since we all need to understand the basics of setting good boundaries. As we do this, I want to point out that we want to keep things as positive as possible. We have so much negativity that creeps into our homes, we want to keep our limits positive and simple.

I read books to kids who have brushed their teeth.
I wash clothes that are in the hamper.
I drive kids to soccer practice who have all their gear.
I serve dinner to kids who’ve washed their hands.
I drive when everyone is buckled in their seats.

I think you can all guess what the negative approaches sound like and how they cause us to not only create negative energy but we often stumble into fighting and arguing with our kids as well creating even more of the negative vibes that we want to avoid.

CONSEQUENCES
We have to be true to our word when setting our boundaries. When we say “I wash clothes that are in the hamper.” We need to make sure we only wash clothes in the hamper. Yes, even if clothes are lying all across your teen’s room and you know they need their workout clothes for tomorrow, you have to be willing to leave them where they are and not touch them. If you do, you just violated your boundary and have lost your leverage.

CONSEQUENCES NOT WORKING
Ok, we all understand the basics of “setting a boundary” and “following through on consequences”. It seems so easy but what happens when you know you have rules and everyone is ignoring them so often and so much that you’re worn out and frazzled like our swimming pool mom? You are ready to cry and run out of the house it’s so bad?

You need to bring out the big guns. You need some real brain power to solve issues like these and you’re going to recruit your family’s brains to help make that happen. As parents we often feel we’re on the hook to solve every problem. It’s totally not fair and it’s not good for the development of our kids to leave them out of these amazing opportunities to solve big interpersonal problems and learn to work as a team. What’s the “big gun”? It’s called a Family Meeting.

Here’s how a Family Meeting will work. First, decide on just one area of your family life that is either easiest in your mind to make progress on or the one that dives you the craziest. In our example the mom decided to just focus on going to the neighborhood swimming pool but for you it could be kids picking up toys or getting off electronics, cleaning their rooms, whatever it is, you just take one and work on it first. We need to start somewhere and trying to overhaul everything and none of it working just makes us feel like failures and we give up so let’s not do that.

Step 1: SET THE MEETING
You’re going to announce to your family that tonight you’re having a Family Meeting at a particular time like after dinner. Explain that you need help in solving an issue and really want everyone to help brainstorm solutions. You and your spouse might want to have a pre-meeting just to make sure you’re on the same page in selecting which topic will be worked on and maybe a general goal for the meeting.

Step 2: START THE MEETING, LIST THE ISSUE
Humbly admit that you are struggling and need your family as a team to come up with some possible solutions. Ask one of your kids to be the secretary since there will be lots of ideas generated and you need someone to help keep track of them. If your kids are too young to write yet, that’s fine, then you or your spouse could do it. The idea here is to get them involved. Set a positive tone by letting everyone know that no idea is a bad idea and all ideas will be considered, no disrespecting ideas since they are just ideas. Tell everyone that you as a family will be selecting a few ideas to TRY for the next week and will be meeting again to go over the results and make modifications. Tell them that this is not just mom or dad dictating this, you need lots of brainpower to solve this one. Be the cheerleader for your family telling them they are awesome and as a team you can solve this one but you need everyone’s help.

Step 3: BRAINSTORM
Describe the issue and what is hard for you that you feel needs solving. Things like getting kids to bed or getting off electronics aren’t just one step solutions so you need to list out the different parts you see that need to be worked out. Open up the meeting for ideas from everyone. Write all the ideas down. Make sure there are ideas for consequences as well. Your goal is to get the kids to decide the rules and consequences so that everything is known up front, that everyone is informed. This will save you from having to make things up on the fly which often doesn’t go well.

Step 4: SELECT IDEAS
Once the list is done select one or two ideas for each area to TRY. Assign someone to make a poster or a list of what is going to be done. Decide how long the first experiment will run and when the next meeting will be to go over results.

Step 5: EXPERIMENT
Run the experiment. Don’t get mad if things don’t work out. Have a place where people can submit things that aren’t working well so that you can keep track throughout the time period.

Step 6: REVIEW & REVISE
Hold your follow-up meeting and go over the results. Be sure to give praise where things went well! Ask for new ideas to improve the process and possibly bring out the old list of ideas you didn’t use from your first meeting. Keep holding this review/revise meetings until you work out all the kinks in the system.

Step 7: CELEBRATE!
Celebrate! Take time to celebrate your family’s amazing ability to solve problems as a team! You are all awesome and love each other! Go out for ice cream or have a picnic in the park. Do something!

Now that you have the steps, I was to show you how one mom solved her swimming pool issues using them.

Step 1: SET THE MEETING
She announced that they were having a meeting to discuss how to better get to the swimming pool and back.

Step 2: START THE MEETING, LIST THE ISSUE
She explained that she was tired of going to the pool when kids weren’t helping get ready. There was always someone who couldn’t find their swimsuit or towel and things like water and snacks were always her job. On the drive kids were unruly and when at the pool when someone broke the safety rules, they ignored the consequence since mom was too busy keeping the other kids safe, especially the 3-year-old. What could they do?
Step 3: BRAINSTORM

Her oldest son, a 5th grader, took the notes. They talked about what items were needed to bring to the pool each time. They had ideas for which ones were problems and how to solve them. Each kid could have a list of what all they needed or they could each pick one item to get – towels, bathing suits, water, snacks, sunscreen. They also talked about safety at the pool and came up with consequences as to what would happen if someone didn’t follow the safety guidelines. Her one son tended to be the one who disobeyed and would get out of the pool then sneak back into the water when mom wasn’t looking. An idea that mom and I talked about was having each kid pack a “land bag” of things to do if they were made to be outside the pool so that it was a consequence to be out of the water but it wasn’t miserable. She proposed that idea to the kids too.

Step 4: SELECT IDEAS
Next they talked about the different options and came up with a first pass. The 3 older kids decided to pick an item – one got the waters, one the snacks, the other the towels. They also decided to select one area in the house that all the swimming gear would be in – towels and swimsuits would all reside in the laundry room instead of all over the house. They would each pack and carry their “land bags” to the pool. For kids not obeying safety rules they decided on a 3-step approach – 1st offense was 10 minutes, then it got upped from there.

Step 5: EXPERIMENT
Mom proceeded to take her crew to the pool the next day to see how their new plan would work. She was amazed at the huge improvement. Her kids all brought their agreed upon items and the really cool part was when one of the kids started to stray or maybe forgot something, they could remind each other. It wasn’t just mom vs. the kids! It was a team! Now that they all agreed on what was happening and knew what the process was, they could all own it. Mom couldn’t have been prouder!

Step 6: REVIEW & REVISE
Mom was so impressed and so were the kids that the only modification that they added was to review the “pool contract” each time before going to the pool

Step 7: CELEBRATE!
Mom hasn’t celebrated yet but plans to!

As you can see from this family if you set this up right giving your kids a format where they have a voice and a choice, them feeling validated and heard can make everyone’s lives a lot easier. These same kids are more invested in the rules if they help set them. I’m not saying that parents should give in to any and all ideas their kids think up, you still can put limits on what they can request but a lot of the time we don’t care.

I had another family who was refusing to let their daughters make GAK in their house, it’s that goopy, gooey glue kind of art gunk. They felt it was way too messy. They made a “no gak” rule and that’s the parent’s prerogative, of course. However, one of their daughters was sneaking making gak. Yikes! That was worse than anything.

I brainstormed some ideas during a coaching session with the parents to get them to dig down into what it really was they were looking for. They just didn’t want the mess in the house. Wow! We live in California and they had a backyard. Would they be willing to compromise with their daughters about setting up something out there? They were also having a problem with their daughters taking laptops out in the yard which was a separate issue but they decided to have a meeting about both issues since they involved the outdoors.

They held their first family meeting and agreed the girls could come up with a proposal of what it would take to set up an outdoor art station – what supplies, tables, etc. they might need. They also agreed that the girls could take the laptops outside as long as they knew they’d be replacing them if they were damaged. In the subsequent meetings they came up with a great solution that worked for everyone. No more indoor gak and, as it turns out, it’s been months and neither daughter has brought a laptop outside since it seems they weren’t comfortable the cost of replacing one. I love it! They were no longer the mean parents who didn’t let them do stuff. They were a team who solved problems and took responsibility.

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Podcast 16 - Money Matters: Teen and Tween Edition

8/1/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE: LISTEN

In this blog I’m going to cover issues relating to money with middle and high schoolers. I will go over how to give money and how much, when to give money, and how to set up responsible money habits including how to use an ATM card, checking account, credit cards.

Money is a huge challenge for us all and at this stage your high schooler or middle schooler is at a huge crossroads with learning life skills. Dealing with money is a much-neglected skill during these years yet they are the most crucial years to allow as many affordable mistakes as possible. This makes money a prime target for small mistakes now to avoid big mistakes later. If you know someone who can’t manage money as an adult, I’m going to guess their parents didn’t teach them much about it, might have given in to every whim just to keep them happy when they were young. Hey, that adult might even be you!

If you listened to my podcast about money for younger kids, you’ll have already heard how to start a small budget for vacations and special events that I call a trinket budget. We’re going to expand on that concept greatly by including more of the day-to-day expenses our kids encounter, not just vacations and special events.

With older kids I want to help you introduce money concepts so that by the time they graduate from high school they know about budgeting, credit cards and debt. I’m even going to show you a way to tie in getting chores done which is such a bonus. You want to launch a financially responsible child into the world so that you won’t be paying their bills for the rest of your life.

Let’s get started!

Middle School – start budgeting using what I call the
Setting Limits Method - During this phase you want your child to really understand that there are limits to what they can spend instead of just opening up your wallet and spending YOUR money.

Didn’t it get you in pre-COVID days when your kid said they wanted to go to a movie with friends and you had to fork over money on the spot not only for the movie but also for the popcorn and a drink? It was for their happiness, right? That parent guilt just gets to us when it’s done in the moment. All practical thought sometimes just goes poof, right out of our heads. Or, how about your kid going to Starbucks and getting a Frappuccino and a snack because they’re hungry. That can easily be a $15 transaction if you’re not careful. I had one friend whose child went to Starbucks every day without any care as to the family budget. Another friend was conned into buying extravagant birthday presents for their kids’ friends just because mom and dad hadn’t set a reasonable spending limit.

So, here’s what we’re going to do, you will set YOUR limit of what YOU will give them by category. You will also set a money allowance that’s in an unlimited category they can do what they want with. Have a family meeting or a private meeting with each kid if you have lots of different age kids. Just do this all up front with thought and planning, no puppy dog eyes as they’re leaving for some event. Feel free to have your kids help decide on what has limits and how much. The important thing here is that they start to learn that there are limits and it’s helpful to know what they are up front so no one is surprised.

Here are some ideas for some different types of things that you can talk about but keep in mind that some of these will only apply after we move out of this COVID time that we are now in.

school supplies
birthday gifts for friends
clothes
Starbucks or other snacks
activity supplies for sports, music, etc.—like sports shoes or warmups or instruments and reeds or drumsticks and related equipment
activity fees (monthly, quarterly, by season, etc) if they are in sports, clubs or educational activities
school lunch money
movie tickets

You’re going to add up what you think is reasonable for you to pay for and give them that amount per month or when it’s appropriate. Some things you’ll still have to pay for that you can’t quite define like how many birthday presents are needed per month but you can establish a amount of what you will add to the birthday budget per birthday.

Here are more specific ideas of what a sample parent could allocate:

One Starbucks drink per week of not more than $5
School supplies of $50 per year
Lunch money for school lunch for 2 lunches per week
One movie ticket per month
Birthday gift budget of $25 per gift
Clothes budget $25 per month

Keep in mind this is for middle schoolers who don’t have a lot of freedom to roam. Put into this system whatever you can. Some parents will put in budgets for sports equipment like $75 for new basketball shoes and your kid can add their own money if they want to spend more on Air Jordans. Maybe they’ll be willing to get last year’s model instead of getting the $100 version? You won’t care, you’ll just be paying $75.

For me one of the first limits I set was for school supplies. For years prior we would head to Office Depot with the school shopping lists in hand. My boys would convince me that they needed new this and that. I was such a pushover. I caved just about every time.

Well, once I learned budgeting, I set a limit of $50 per kid, per year. I met with them and explained that they could use the money to purchase any supplies they needed but that was a yearly budget. They could choose to reuse what they already had or buy all new stuff – pencils, binders, paper, markers, erasers. I let them know it was all up to them. I loved them and was sure they’d learn to make good choices over time.

However, I also let them know, if they didn’t use all of the $50, they were welcome to use it for anything else. This incented them to be conservative and reuse much of what they chose not to in previous years. Yeah! I want to confess in previous years, I had been spending more than $75 on supplies. This was a total win for me and them.

I had friend who, after her two daughters constantly overran the data budget for their phone plans, switched them to pay-as-you-go plans and gave them a budget $15 per month. It was amusing for mom to watch how quickly her daughters used up those $15 and learned to look for Wi-Fi hot spots or wait until they got home to the house Wi-Fi instead of just constantly streaming data to their phones whenever they felt like it.

Allowance Amount
Now that we’ve talked about a simple budget I want to talk about an allowance. That’s the unrestricted money we give to our kids that they can spend on whatever they’d like. How much do you give and when is the question. As much as you think is appropriate and can afford, could be a dollar per week or $10 per month. It doesn't matter, but be consistent. I used monthly. The amounts can change as your kids get older; I usually gave them a “raise” on their birthdays.

My calculation was one dollar for each year they were old, per month. Yep… not much by some kids’ standards but that’s the point. You want kids to have to stretch and think about where to spend that precious money and how they can maybe save some on of their budget items that can move money into their unrestricted funds area. Like if they find an older pair of Air Jordans for $50 somewhere, they can pocket the extra $25 to use on something else, maybe snacks at Starbucks that you’re no longer funding?

You also want to encourage them work to earn extra money by doing extra jobs around the house or put out flyers or a post on NextDoor to offer to help their neighbors with things like dog walking, picking up mail, cleaning up dog poop or watering plants while neighbors are on vacation. A girlfriend’s son wanted a new, cool skateboard so he worked his buns off to earn the money for it. That mom also posted a list of what she’d pay for her kids to do her jobs if they wanted to earn money at their house.

All this was communicated in the open so no one was surprised by any of it. No whining and begging for “stuff”. Give them love and empathy if they don’t like it. “Oh, I know it’s hard to earn money. I’m so sorry. Let me know if you’d like some ideas. I sure love you.”

What about Giving?
When kids are young and we give them allowance and we ask them to allocate some to their “share” jar. We still want to encourage the “share” concept at this age and we can budget this item and put it in a “restricted” category that they aren’t allowed to move into their unrestricted “spend” area. They need to “share” it with a church or charity. No exceptions.

If they get birthday or holiday gifts, help them allocate some of that money into their “share” budget as well as to their savings account. Keep modeling for your kids your own giving and have discussions about how to help others with their share money.

One last thought before I head into the area of high school budgeting. There’s a super cool app that you can use for any age kid but it would be great to use for middle schoolers. It’s called GreenLight. It allows you to set up a debit card that’s controlled and monitored by you and used by your kids like a real debit card with restrictions on what stores and what amounts can be spent at certain places. It’s $4.95/month per family so it does cost a bit but it might be a good transition tool prior to high school.

Ages - High School
Speaking of high school… Every parent should jump at the chance to really step up budgeting with high schoolers. This is a crucial learning ground that will be backed up by affordable mistakes and really set up your kids for independence in college and beyond. Here are the basics:

Step 1 - Set up a checking account in their name with real checks and an ATM card that you can electronically transfer money to and from. It will probably be an account where one parent is a co-signer, that’s fine. You want your kid to swipe that ATM card to get used to our electronic payment-oriented society. If they run out of money the ATM card will stop them unlike a credit card. You can also set them up on Venmo, a popular payment app with students. Don’t be afraid to let them use it. Have them write checks occasionally too! Some kids really struggle to establish a decent signature especially since cursive is a dying art in schools these days.

Step 2 - Decide as many things as possible that your kid can pay for with YOUR money, yep, YOUR money like we did in the middle school exercise but WAY more detailed. Hey, you pay for all these things anyway so let's leverage that money to work for future independence! We’ll call this the INCOME side of the budget.
What kind of things could be added to the list:

all the items listed in the previous age range
private lesson fees – academic tutoring, sports, music, dance, whatever!
sports fees - school sports, club teams, travel for sports, etc.
lunches/meals - whether at school or outside
college applications/testing fees
prom tickets and expenses
grooming – haircuts, nails, etc.
student fees for things like yearbooks or school spirit gear

Step 3 – Next calculate things on the DEDUCTION side of the budget. Some families will have their teens pay for things like car insurance, the data plan for their phone, gas for using the family car on trips with friends, that sort of stuff. My kids had a monthly deduction for both their car insurance and data plan. Sure, I could have afforded it but I wanted them to have some skin in the game. Where did they get the money for those deductions? They could earn extra or use savings if they had to. Didn’t matter to me, not my problem.

Here’s the kicker. I talked about incorporating chores into this budgeting process and here’s what you need to do. Post a price list in your kitchen of what you’re willing to charge for doing your kids chores for them. Then, if a chore isn’t done at the agreed upon time, no problem! You just happily do the chore for them and charge them for your services. I’d advise you to pick charges that really do make you happy, don’t skimp. Taking the trash bins to the street could incur a $10 charge. How about picking up that dog poop? $10? $20? Cleaning the dishes? Making their beds?

When you actually do a chore, I’d recommend posting a note or keeping a log somewhere that a snarky teen can’t rip it up if they’re mad. When it comes time to do the budget add the DEDUCTIONS for what I call “mommy chore” charges to the other monthly deductions. If they want earn as much income money as possible, they will learn quickly to keep their mommy chore charges to a minimum or do one of mommy’s chores to even out the deduction before the next pay period.

Cars for High Schoolers
Just a side note, no one should be buying their high school kids' cars, much less new cars. If they really need access to a car and you can afford to get one, find an older model car that’s not classy and buy it as a family car. We had grandpa’s old car for one boy and their aunt’s car for the other. A Toyota Corolla that’s 8 years old was not what my kids wanted to drive but both got them around until they could afford to buy their own cars.

Step 4 – Now, back to our budgeting. Step 4, calculate the money needed to cover the income and deductions in Step 2 & 3 and transfer that electronically to your child once a month. I would have my kids balance their checkbooks by hand before they got their next month's money just so that they could see the money come and go. They switched to online balance watching after a few years but their first years with an old-fashioned paper checkbook to balance was a good exercise. Sort of like we all learned long division but always use calculators now, right?

Step 5 - Sit back and watch them use their money. If they forget to pay their tutor or music teacher... GREAT! That teacher will help them learn to pay bills on time. If the instructor tries to get the money from you, I’d just redirect them to your kid and explain this is a learning process.

If they bounce a check... GREAT! Nothing like learning how much bouncing a check costs. Whatever you do, don’t get overdraft protection for their account. One dad did that and was only charging his son $25 instead of the bank’s $35 fee and his son didn’t blink an eye. We need to get our kids to blink and look the payment monster in the eye. This is real stuff so make it real. These are all affordable mistakes that you can give them love and empathy for when they happen.

Now, on the other hand, if they manage to save extra in areas of their budget that they decide they’d like to use the money elsewhere, great. Say you give them money for two lunches a week and they decide to make their lunch all days of the week. Let them pocket the extra to encourage their saving habits. Remember how in adult-life we have to save for a vacation or a new car? These balancing activities will help plant those saving seeds in their brains that they’ll use later on when purchases really need to be saved for over a long period of time.

Ok, you’re ready to launch! Those are the five steps. I do have a few more comments on money and teens.

Encourage Jobs to Earn and Learn!
One area I want to encourage is for all parents to allow and promote the idea that their kids should earn money by having a part-time job while in high school. I know. I know. There are lots of parents in Silicon Valley where I live who feel that doing homework and school is a job for their kids so they refuse to let their kids work outside the home. However, doing homework doesn’t prepare them for all aspects of the real work and I want you to help them get those extra skills.

Crummy, low-wage jobs are such an amazing place to learn all sorts of life-lessons that are never, ever taught in schools. Having to punch a timeclock on a schedule that your boss only tells you one week in advance and one that changes just about every week. Getting a real paycheck – do you auto-deposit or not. Dealing with taxes. Getting tipped or not tipped – they start learning how it feels to not get tipped even though they’ve been doing a great job. Dealing with co-workers that you didn’t choose – ones that gripe and don’t work hard are tough to work with.

My one son didn’t have much time between his academics and athletics but he managed to get a weekend only job at a local burger joint. It was a God-send if you ask me. He learned about all those things and more. Dealing with cleaning tables and taking customer orders. Priceless. Did you know that when we walk into a place like that, we often ask a 16-year-old what’s good on the menu? Haha! So funny! Kids that age are amazed that anyone would bother to think that they might know the answer. Precious lessons in building confidence and self-esteem. Please, please let your child work!

College Finance Ideas
Lastly, I just want to make a few comments to those of you who have college kids or will soon. You need to practice these budgeting things but scale it up even further. Have your kids pay all their own bills, yep, even tuition and room and board if they are going away. Agree ahead of time what you are willing to pay for and when you will be transferring money to them.

In my practice, I see too many parents just opening up their wallets whenever their kids call to say they’re out of money. I want to encourage you to set the limits up front and use empathy when they run out of money. If you’ve set up their high school budgeting experience appropriately this will not be hard or a surprise.

My boys knew in advance that they paid for all their own entertainment and eating out with money they earned from their summer jobs or jobs they got during the school year.

I think having a limit for food spending is really wise as well. Freshmen in dorms are usually required to buy a food plan. If they have a food plan, in my opinion, that means they have food even if it’s not the best. If they’d like to eat out, fine, it’s on their dime.

A friend could see her son’s bank account draining down and he only had $5 left in it at one point. What a bummer! He wound up getting an on-campus job to help even things out. Another friend just wound up paying for the dorm food that her child wasn’t eating in addition to all the food her child at out. Crazy, isn’t that? Picky eaters can have a tough time in college but at that stage it’s their problem that they need to navigate, not mom and dad’s.

Last topic, credit cards. It is important for our kids at some point to start building up credit for future purchasing power. I’d say as they go off to college is the time to research a good card for them and encourage them to start by choosing one type of purchase that they always pay for on their card and then pay off every month. There are lots of companies who will offer students cards that have really high interest rates that can get kids into trouble. Avoid those. Shop around!

Learning to deal with money can be an amazing journey and allow our kids to have choices when they manage money well. You being in their lives communicating and allowing for mistakes in loving ways is what’s going to get your kid into the right place. They will blow it occasionally, embrace those times with a growth mindset and love them though the process.

Whatever your child's age, please take the time to work with money.

If you found this information useful, please forward the link on to your friends and family.

Here are a few of my favorite books about kids and money.

Millionaire Babies or Bankrupt Brats
Parents are Not ATMs

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