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​Podcast 42: Challenges with Boundaries

12/16/2021

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PODCAST LINK HERE

In a previous episode, #20, I talked about how setting boundaries and loving limits can help your family run more smoothly.  You communicate the boundaries up front in a loving way and you allow for consequences to happen when the boundaries are exceeded. It sounds so easy when I say that right?  Easier said than done.
 
A few days ago, I ran into a family who’d been to my classes and lectures and have been trying to implement good boundaries over the classic issue in all our homes – screen time!

They set up clear boundaries, 30 minutes a day for their 5th grade boy.  Their son knew the rule but the parents told me that just about every day as soon as he was done with his 30 minutes he immediately started asking for more time.  And he kept asking and asking and asking.  Dad felt their boundary worked about 75% of the time, meaning their son got no extra screen time,  but 25% of the time their son got more time.  Hmm… Mom and dad were not in agreement that the 75% was a good success rate – dad thought it was pretty good but mom thought they could do better.  However, both of them were in agreement about one thing -- that their son begging was really getting to them. 

Our kids are smart.  When we give in 25% of the time, we give them permission to ignore our boundaries which can easily lead to begging.  It works for our kid 25% of the time which is way better than 0% so why not try it?  That’s what goes on in our kids brains without them even having to think about it. 
 
What’s a parent to do?  How do you get beyond the begging for more when you have been quite clear about the limits?
 
There are two things I’d recommend.
  1. Use a simple phrase:  AND WHAT DID I SAY? 
    When they ask for more screen time, it would sound like: AND WHAT IS THE LIMIT?   Have them repeat the limit back to you then say nothing or, at the most, give them empathy that limits are hard.  Give them real empathy, “I’m sorry this is so hard on you.”


  2. Have consequences for complaining and whining about not liking whatever limit they don’t like.  Love and Logic recommends using ENERGY DRAIN when things like this happen that don’t have natural consequences.  It sounds like: “Wow, this is so sad, it really drains my energy when I keep getting asked for more screen time when you know you’ve already had your time for the day.  How would you like to put energy back in mom?”  Notice my calm voice with empathy.  I’m sad that they’ve crossed the line and need to put energy back. 

    Feel free to even be dramatic when they start asking for more screen time!  “Oh my!!!  My head… it’s awful… my whole body is draining of energy!  Ugh!  Being asked for more screen time is just the worst!  What are you going to do to help get my energy back?  I’ll go sit here on the couch to recover while you figure it out.”     


    I have a handy list nearby on my fridge or in my head of things they can do to replace the energy drained by their pestering me. It might be making dinner or sweeping the floor.  It could be dusting or putting lotion on my hands.  It is something your child does for you that they don’t normally do, possibly one of your regular jobs.  The idea is to get their brains off thinking about their selfish requests onto the impact their behavior has on other people.  This is true for all ages of kids!  2-year old’s might be dusting or vacuuming while 16-year old’s might be making dinner. 

    Here's a link to my Energy Drain Idea list.


    But what do you do if they won’t put your energy back?  This is where things get a little harder.  You’ll have to have something happen, a consequence, when they fail to put your energy back.  You need to know what your child’s currency is, what lever you have over things you do for them that they want you to keep doing.  Here are some ideas:
  • I drive kids to school who’ve put my energy back. 
  • I read books at bedtime to kids who’ve put my energy back.
  • I drive kids to the store to shop who’ve put my energy back.
  • I serve dinner to kids who’ve put my energy back.





If you’re able to ask for the replacement in a loving and consistent manner your kids should view you as fair and reliable even if they don’t always agree with the rules.  No yelling.  No long lectures, just empathy.  “This is so sad that you’re having trouble with boundaries.”  You do have to be prepared for a tantrum or two when you’ve had to use a lever to get them to put your energy back but, stay strong.  You can do it!
 
Why Boundaries Fail:
I just want to take a minute to go over a few more reasons why some of your boundaries might not be working in your home. 
  1. Boundaries are Undefined – this is where you think they should know them but you never actually said it out loud
  2. Boundaries are Too Flexible – this is what happened to my family with the screen time issue, the kids don’t know when mom and dad might enforce a limit but there are limits
  3. Boundaries have Too Much Negativity – when boundaries are always negative it makes kids want to rebel, there is a lot of “you can’t” do this or that
  4. Boundaries have no Consequences – you set a limit and then don’t do anything when the limit is broken
  5. Too Many Boundaries – this is when parents are trying to control way too many aspects of kids’ lives and the kids have no room to breathe, they are always breaking rules every 10 minutes since there are so many rules
 
How to Set Good Boundaries:
Now let’s do a quick review of how to set good boundaries:
  1. Define the Boundaries – I love to recommend families have Family Meetings to help define and set limits so no one is surprised and everyone has some input into the rules when it’s possible.
  2. Make it positive! You want to tell your kids what they CAN do, not what they CAN’T do. 
  3. Have Consequences - Kids need to know what will happen if they choose to disobey you or ignore you.
  4. Be Consistent – we talked about that already
  5. Be Reasonable - it’s great to make a list of Family Rules but be careful not create so many rules that the kids feel they don’t have choices and will start to rebel.  It’s best if you can incorporate ways for your kids to have a feedback loop especially when setting up new rules as your kids grow. 
  1. Be Calm and Loving – when our kids give us grief feel free to go braindead.  “Mom, this sucks that I can’t use screens when all my friends do all the time!”  Your response is: “I knooooooooowwww” in a boring, but loving tone.  You can always talk with your child at later time to ask for feedback if you get too much grief but not in the moment when their emotions are activated. 
 
I hope this was helpful. 

Here's a link to my other episode and the Energy Drain Idea List:
Episode 20 - Creating Calm with Boundaries and Limits
ENERGY DRAIN IDEAS
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Power to Change

3/4/2019

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I've been inspired recently by the amazing parents who've come to my lectures and classes and wanted to take a chance to brag on a few of them.  We all have the power to change how we interact with our children and these parents took amazing steps using new found parenting powers.  Hats off to them!

Parent #1 - Turkey Sandwich Trick
I was so inspired to use these new approaches on my kids that I could not wait. I picked my 4 year old up from daycare and it was time for lunch so I gave him his lunch box. He opened it and started throwing a fit in his  car seat.  I looked at him in my mirror but did not say a word yet .. he continued to say "I told you no turkey. I don’t like it!!!" Instead of my normal response which would have been something like "You do like turkey!  Eat your dang lunch!",  I used a calm voice "I’m sorry."   He was so surprised! He had a confused look on his face and he said it again,  "I Don’t like turkey!"  I said. "I’m sorry." He stopped and said, "Okay, but I do like my cheese."

Parent #2 - Teeth Brushing and Walking Fun
I applied what you taught the other night and the results are phenomenal. Last night we had fun brushing teeth and got to bed quickly without me nagging. And this morning we got out of the house 30 minutes earlier than usual. She walked backward to the car and jumped off once we got to school. I’m so amazed that all those techniques work instantly.  

Parent #3 - Birthday Cake Blues
My birthday was on Monday night. We all celebrated with birthday cake. Yum. After, my kids wanted a second piece, of course. Since it was too close to bedtime, the answer was no. They continued to ask. It was so wonderful to not get annoyed or firm with them but just continue to repeat, "What did I say?" or "I know....what did I say?" They finally gave up...

Parent #4 - Oatmeal Lover ... NOT!
When we put our girls to bed last week they kept coming downstairs, complaining etc. I said that that's ok but Mummy serves cereals only to the girls that go to bed on time and without complaining. They had oatmeal for breakfast which was annoying for our older daughter. She complained and wouldn't eat it. I showed some empathy saying something like it's sad, I know you don't like oatmeal. Maybe tonight you will go to bed without any arguments and then you can have cereals for breakfast. In then end that morning she ate the oatmeal and on our way back home from school she said, "Sorry, mummy for last night."  She went to bed without a hitch the next night.  Yeah!  No oatmeal for her.  

Parent #5 - Computer Caper
My boys were both playing a game together.  It had been so frustrating battling every day as to when they get off their game and come to dinner. After class,  I asked the boys how much time they needed before dinner to get off their game.  They said 15 minutes.  I took it and set a timer.  DING!  It went off in a flash.  "Boys, time to get off."  "But mom... we're not done!  We gotta level up or we'll lose everything."  "I know... this is so sad..."  They stopped about 10 minutes later.  The next day when they wanted to play after their homework.  "Ohhhhh.... this is so sad... I let boys play games who get off when they agreed to get off.  Not today.  Maybe we can try again tomorrow."  A bit of whining ensued but I kept to bland statements and some what did I say.  The next day,  DING, they got off right away.  We added a 10 minute timer to the mix to help them get off in 15.  So fun!


The changes we make to our routines can be subtle but our kids will feel it.  Initially they might be resistant and ungrateful but, believe me, the power you gain in your parenting from experimenting like these parents have will get you through your parenting without losing your mind.  
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"I Know" is a Powerful Statement -- even for toddlers and preschoolers

3/2/2016

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Here is what one amazing mom of preschoolers was able to do in the grocery store. Imagine! Sometimes it can be a real battle zone to be in public but being consistent really makes a difference. 
===============================================
This morning was the grocery trip where I could really put my new skills to the test! My kids are generally cooperative and I use a lot of mommy skills like distracti
on, helping me with the list, and moving through the store quickly and making it fun.

I explained to my 4.5 yr old, who walks beside me and the cart, how the shopping trip was going to go like usual. As soon as we entered the store he saw something that caught his attention. He stopped to look. I said "Sam (not the child's real name), please come with me. I need you to help me pick out some bananas." I kept walking toward the bananas and he followed me without a fuss. We were in the produce area and it so happened we saw a mom and daughter who was older than Sam, and the daughter was throwing a fit, even hitting her mom yelling. Sam said, "Mom, she is being really loud. She needs to be quiet in the store. She's not happy." It's so funny that he recognized that and saw that he was behaving opposite.
​
As Sam saw things in the store he liked that we weren't buying, I continued with the empathetic "I know" and kept moving. When we got to the check out, Sam saw a candy he wanted and showed me. I said, "I know you want it, but we aren't getting that today." After only 2 "I knows," he put it back without a fuss! Walking to the car I told the boys how proud of them I was and that they did a great job listening at the store!
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Natural Consequences and Brain Dead on a Car Drive

8/11/2015

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One dad had a brave story to tell of how to let his young son make decisions and live with the consequences. It was a bit nerve racking but this dad did it! 
===================

I got to use the skills in the car ride home, after I had asked my son, 4 years old, if he needed to go potty before we left an event we were at. He said no, as usual. But 500 feet after leaving in the van, he said he had to go potty really bad.

This was a challenging moment to work in some natural consequences. I wondered if I was willing to clean up the mess if he didn't make it – realistically, about 20 minutes. It would have not been much hassle to turn around and let him go in the church restrooms.

Staying calm, I told him I'd look for a place that he could go potty, but that there were none around and he'd probably have to hold it. I gave him some words of encouragement. "You can do it, pal." I did this a couple times, but mainly practiced my brain dead responses to his painful squawks, which were designed to communicate this was it! …That he just couldn't hold it anymore!

I certainly was feeling empathy for him. Man, that's not comfortable. But this is a pattern for him. He loves to say he doesn't have to go and gets himself into these situations.

It was an interesting 20 minutes. He made it just fine. It was good for me not to get sucked into his drama, and drive calmly toward home. I really don't know if he learned a lesson this time, but I'm sure in those harrowing moments, or in the bathroom at home, some thoughts fired.
===================

When we helicopter our kids when they make poor decisions (not going to the bathroom) the kids really don't learn any decision making skills when we allow them to change their minds at the drop of a hat (turning the car around). I don't want you to think this is harsh, it works the same if your kid says they aren't cold and won't take a coat with them or they aren't hungry when dinner comes. As long as the situation isn't life threatening (unaffordable) we as parents need to restraint from making our kids lives perfect just because we know better
.

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"I Know" Has Real Impact

11/17/2014

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Sometimes when we do a good job with "I know..." and our empathy it can really pay off. Here's what one mom wrote in:

My daughter started arguing right before bed about a Halloween costume. Last week, she overheard me explaining the "I know..." brain-dead technique to a friend. So when she started her second "but...I want" I said, very empathetically, "I know........." 

She said "really??" and went upstairs and found another costume. Quick learner. 

Good job, mom! Not only was she spreading the word about how powerful "I know..." can be but her daughter heard it and learned it too. Very fun!

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"I Know" Can Be VERY Effective!

6/29/2014

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A dad was noticing that his son kept forgetting to brush his teeth. He kept saying he was too busy and didn't have enough time. When his son needed to be driven to the store for some school project supplies the dad replied that he didn't have time to drive kids who don't brush their teeth. "What! That's crazy Dad!" he said. Dad just replied: "I know." "But I have my project due tomorrow!" his son said more urgently. Dad calmly said again, "I know. And what did I say?"

His son sighed, left the room and went and brushed his teeth.

Dad happily drove his son with sparkling teeth to the store.

This is a wonderful example of consistently using one-liners while setting a loving limit on what you will do. Congrats Dad!
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One Liners -- Try Them!

6/12/2014

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Here's what one mom emailed me who was just learning about the power of one liners:

I tried the one liner on my 5year old. She began to whine about the restrictions on tv/iPad. I said, "I know." She actually stopped and did something else.

Simple! Just try a one liner! Be consistent in using them. The more consistent you are, the more effective they become.
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