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Podcast 65 - Connecting with Teens and Tweens

4/22/2024

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Many of you feel lost and alone.  Your teen or tween is distant or defiant.  Things just aren’t going well.  The only communication when you ask how things are going are grunts or, maybe if you’re lucky, “Fine.”  No matter how you ask, your kid just won’t respond, doesn’t even seem to want to be in the same room with you unless, yes, there’s usually some caveat, that they need something from you.  It’s such a tough time for parents to navigate.

It’s during the teen and tween years that our kids are learning to separate from us and they want to test out their skills at being independent.  To some of us it might seem like some zombie has kidnapped our kids and turned them from the sweet, adoring elementary kids into some sort of animal – a temperamental tiger, a solitary sloth or a disrespectful dragon.  It can be shocking and overwhelming.  Some of us are left grieving for “the old times” when we could laugh and cuddle with little ones.  Others of you might be faring pretty well and just have a few parenting bumps and bruises and just want to up your game to have a closer relationship.  No matter which end of the spectrum you’re on, I’m glad you’re listening in.

I want to start out saying that all is not lost.  With some tips and tricks you can establish a wonderful relationship that can get you over the hump and take you through to adulthood.  It will take work but if you’re willing to invest time things can really, really turn around.  Taking the time and investing in a trusting, loving relationship is what will get you through this challenging and amazing time. 

In my YouTube lecture “Communicating with Teens” I talk about “turning off the spotlight” to allow our teens to relax with us and trust that we won’t start pumping them for information or judge their behavior and poor choices.  I really recommend listening or watching the whole talk which I’ll put in the show notes but this podcast expands on the ideas that I started there.

Many parents over the years have wanted a more concrete list of ideas they can turn to when they’d like to connect with their teens. I do want you to understand that the best way to connect is one-on-one with your teen; no spouse, no other kids.  Family time is something I encourage for sure, but this type of bonding needs to be done solo.  Ideally your spouse will be rotating with you for each of your kids to create trust with both parents.  But if they’re unwilling or unable, at least one of the two of you put in the time and effort needed.

So, what would I recommend?

Be curious about their interests. 

Here are two detailed examples for you to ponder over. 

#1 – Computer Gaming
If you have a kid who is into gaming, ask them about their game.  Find out what type of game, who they play with, how it’s played.  Ask about the characters.  Figure out what skills they’re learning.  Just ask questions!  When my son was in high school, he played a video game called “Counter Strike: GO” or “CSGO” for short.  It was NOT a game I liked.  It’s a shoot ‘em up game with lots of guns.  But, I choose to be curious.  

What did I learn? It’s played with 5 players on a team who have to work together to beat another team of 5 players.  They, as a team, had to decide who would play which roles in the game since the game had strategies and having assigned roles really helps win games.  There were skills and teamwork that had to be negotiated.  There were practice schedules that had to be set and met.  There were tournaments.  What were they learning? They learned that some kids weren’t dedicated enough and had to be replaced.  They had to have a leader and they learned that it was best not to have a dictator.   

They were learning so much more than I ever imagined.  If I hadn’t been curious, I would have missed out on so much and I’d have ruined a chance to peek into my son’s world.  I didn’t fight with my son about how much time he was spending.  Why?  He really didn’t have that much extra time.  He was active.  He was playing basketball and football, getting good grades and held down a part-time job on the weekends.  He was learning a lot about keeping track of a schedule and balancing activities.  He was connecting with his friends and dating.  He didn’t play alone in his room but in a common area in our basement that we could come into at any moment.  He could tell I was curious, and it really helped us stay connected.

#2 Taylor Swift
Let’s take a kid who loves Taylor Swift, maybe it’s a teen girl.  If you’re a parent of a “Swiftie”, what can you to do be curious?  One obvious choice is to listen to her music.  The other is to ask your teen what their favorite albums are and which songs resonate with them.  Do they think she’ll get married some day?  Do they know where her upcoming tours are going to be?  Do they want to watch football now that she’s been dating Travis Kelsey?  If so, watch with them!  A new album just got released as I write this, listen to it.  Ask which new songs they like, who they think they’re about. I’d even be curious enough to watch the Eras Tour on Netflix together.  I know a number of parents who went with their daughters to see the Eras Tour. 

A few months ago I was talking to a mom about her Swiftie tween who was spending a lot of time making bracelets (it’s a Swiftie thing I still don’t quite understand but the mom knew it was a thing).  That mom realized that she could take some time and just sit and make bracelets with her daughter.  Yep.  Simple. No big deal. Just chill and do a craft project and learn what the buzz was all about. 

Those are just two examples, but I want you to figure out what your teens love and ask about it but, most importantly, LISTEN to what they have to say.  Don’t judge, just be curious!

Try not to judge and don’t lecture!
Many teens don’t want to interact with parents because they worry that their mother or father will have the “wrong reaction”. Teens will come to you more if they don’t feel like every time they do they get a lecture and are judged. Keep in mind that the length of time for a lecture to be effective with a teen before they tune you out is about 30 seconds.  Try your best, when they talk to you, to validate their emotions and not judge them for what they are saying.  Bottomline, listen more than you talk. 

Don’t solve problems, just listen
When your teen does open up to you it is often our tendency to try to solve problems or downplay their disappointments. After a romantic disappointment saying something like “They weren’t right for you anyway” can feel dismissive. Instead, show kids that you understand and empathize by reflecting their sentiments back: “Wow, that does sound difficult.” Maybe they got a poor grade on a test, didn’t get picked for a team or their friends have ghosted them.  Give them love and empathy.  Offer them a hug or just sit with them.  Knowing that someone cares enough to just be around them when things aren’t going well builds trust and expands a relationship. 

Make it worth their while to turn off their screens
Parents who struggle to connect with their teens often need a list of ideas about what to do.  I gave you two detailed examples of how you can connect with kids by being curious but some of you often ask me for more ideas.  In this last part of the podcast I’m going to do just that.  LOTS of ideas, pick one or two, modify them to your liking and just try to connect.  I’m going to remind you again to turn off the spotlight, no grilling questions about school and relationships, set your intention to have one-on-one time with your teen or tween.  It works best if you include them in on the activities you pick but some of you know what your kids might like to, again, just try.

Here goes:
Boba Tea - For teens and tweens there’s something magical about Boba Tea.  I don’t quite get it, it’s a bit too sweet for me but, if it gets your teen to jump in the car with you and stand in line, go for it!  Next step: set up a quest to find the best Boba or maybe try making your own Boba together at home.

Cook together
– yep, plan a meal and possibly shop together.  Maybe you bake instead of cook a meal.  Make something from a cooking or baking show your teen watches.  Here’s a warning: your teen needs to feel competent, don’t over-teach or criticize.  So what if the cake falls flat or you used salt instead of sugar.  Laugh it off.  Keep the goal of just enjoying making something together.

Eat Together – go on a quest for the best sushi or ramen or pizza or burgers.  Pick a cuisine and go on an adventure to find “the best’. A dad who had a difficult 6th grade daughter who wasn’t talking to him set up a quest for the best frozen yogurt once a week when he picked her up.  It went to well that after 4 weeks his daughter suggested they do something else and suggested playing pool together.  Yep, pool.  That is way more time she was choosing to spend with dad than he had ever hoped.  Such great work that dad did. 

Listen to Music Together – let your child be the DJ in the car when you drive.  Have a “no headphones” rule but allow them to play their music.  Be curious.  Ask about the artists they select or get the details about the songs that are being sung.  Be open to different types of music you might think is awful.  Have a discussion about it even but… listen anyway…. 

Tell them a Story About Them -  kids like to hear about themselves especially when there are cute stories about when they were little.  I wouldn’t do this in front of friends or to embarrass them, tell stories that show how adorable they were or how curious or entertaining they were

Work Together – chores can be a bore, pick a few you can do as a team and that you’re both competent at.  Forcing them to do a chore with you that they feel judged on will backfire.  One mom who was struggling to get her teen daughter to talk to her found that when she offered to join in on her daughter’s chore of walking the family dog that those 20 minutes were the best minutes of their day together.  It still wasn’t mom’s job but the daughter had time to open up as they strolled through their neighborhood.

Make a Date – plan some fun for you and your teen.  It works best if you plan it with your teen but, again one-on-one, nobody else – it could be a movie that just opened, the concert of a band you’ve been listening to together, volunteering together (even if it’s for school volunteer hour credit), a trip to the animal shelter to look at kittens and puppies, putt-putt golf or bowling, whatever.  Just enjoy each other.

Read the books they’re assigned in school while they’re reading them too or listen to one of them together on Audible.

Watch a weekly show together. There’s so much available!  Pick something and get involved in the story lines and characters. 

Try a new hobby together – kayaking, bead making, bread making, clay pottery, axe throwing, pickleball, geo-caching, mahjong.  You could even have a “try it” theme where you don’t even have to get good at it you just rotate through different things you’ve never done before.

Go camping or on a hike.  There’s nothing like getting away from the hustle and bustle of all the electronics in our lives.

Go to a nearby attraction – we live close to San Francisco but most families don’t take the time to visit great places like Alcatraz Island or walk across the Golden Gate Bridge.  Find something famous you’ve never been to and make the time to go. Your teen might a place related to a hobby or passion that they’d like to visit that wouldn’t be at the top of your list but, go!  Experience and be curious.  
 
I hope a few of these ideas resonate with you.  You can even print out the blog post on my website with all the ideas.
 
Now I’d like to give you a few parting tips and tricks as I wrap up this brainstorming session for what to do when you feel you can get to a deeper level with your teen once they’ve opened up a bit.

Be Honest – let them know that any topic is open – drugs, sex, drinking, anything!  This is where you really have to take off your judgement hat and listen and connect so you can discuss these topics instead of shame your teen or yell at them for expressing views that are different than yours.

Be available – even when it’s not convenient for you.  If your teen wants to talk as you were hoping to get some rest, take the time. Consider it a gift instead of a burden.

Just listen – don’t minimize or whatever the problem solve is, just listen, ask questions, no lectures

Show Some Love – say “good morning” and “good night”.  Give them hugs even when they squirm.

Commiserate with how oppressive homework can feel - It makes it a little easier if someone at least appreciates that they worked at school all day and now they have to work all evening on homework. And bringing tea or a snack will melt your teen's heart.

Control your emotions. It’s easy for your temper to flare when your teen is being rude.  Remember to go BRAIN DEAD, don’t let your teens emotions become your emotions.  When emotions are involved it means the “thinking brain” is offline and nothing will be solved until everyone is calm.  In the moment only love and empathy are needed.  Reflective listening and offering a hug might help but feel free to count to ten and take some deep breaths.  I have resources on controlling your anger if you need more ideas on what to do and how to handle disrespect. 

Don’t be a dictator. You still get to set the rules, but be ready to explain them. While pushing the boundaries is natural for teenagers, hearing your thoughtful explanation about why parties on school nights aren’t allowed will make the rule seem more reasonable.

Talk to them like an adult with respect and make it clear that you value their opinions and expect respect in return.

Invite your Teen’s Friends Over- This is such a stealth move!  I always learned so much from my sons’ friends!  One mom said the best way to make sure her son’s friends came was to keep the kitchen stocked with food and let them know they were free to eat anything they wanted. Feed them and they will come and stay, nearly every day!

Lastly, forget traditional discipline. Instead, use “misbehavior” or poor judgment as an opportunity to get closer to your teen and help them develop good judgment. When your teen makes mistakes, talk with them, and LISTEN! Most of the time when a teen acts out it’s because like any person they are going through an emotional upheaval. Getting to the root of the issue and then helping them problem-solve how to deal with their emotions better will go much further than locking the door and throwing away the key, or, in our current situation, taking away cell phones or WIFI or other electronic devices.  Taking away their life blood only teaches them we’re mean when what we want is for them to learn from their poor choices.

Questions?  Reach out to me!  

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Podcast 51: When Kids Drain Your Energy

8/17/2022

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AUDIO PODCAST HERE:    Podcast 51

​In my last podcast I had a wonderful time talking to my two sons but one of my dear friends said she wondered about the “Energy Drains” we talked about.  It sounded like it was effective in getting my sons’ attention and got them to consider how their behavior might impact their lives but I didn’t really explain the full concept.  All parents find themselves in situations where our kids do stuff that really takes energy out of us, yet we don’t know how to respond.  This episode is dedicated to figuring that out so we don’t get caught off guard and can effectively get our energy back in loving ways.

First off, I’ve been a facilitator of Love and Logic® parenting classes for over 10 years now.  It’s such a wealth of great parenting advice presented in really logical ways that are, for the most part, easy to understand.  Things like choices, setting boundaries and allowing for natural consequences are part of just about every solid parenting curriculum no matter what.  There is one term that Love and Logic® coined that has been the hardest to get parents to understand what it means and how they can have it work lovingly in their homes.  It’s Energy Drain.
 
The basic premise is that when kids do things that drain energy out of us, we don’t have any energy left to help them with other things in life.  As a result, they need to put energy back.  Let’s break it down into four parts:
1.What might drain our energy
2.How do you let your kids know they’ve drained you
3.How might kids replenish the energy we lost
4.What do you do when kids choose not to replace your energy
 
So, let’s go!
 
1 - What might drain our energy
This list is pretty easy to come up with for most parents but here are some things that come to mind:
  • Whining
  • Disrespect and talking back
  • Not doing chores
  • Not doing homework
  • Forgetting stuff at home and causing parents to go get things – homework, sports equipment, musical instruments, lunch boxes, water bottles
  • Sibling fighting
  • Screen time limits being ignored
  • Tantrums
 
I think you get the idea.  Most of these issues have no natural consequences that can put a stop to poor behavior.  When a kid whines or talks back, we’re stumped and often times react to the negative behavior in a negative manner with yelling or punishing.  We usually come up with “Go to your room!” Or: “You’ve just lost your screen time with that attitude!”.  Right?  Doesn’t that sound familiar? 
 
However, sometimes we helicopter a natural consequence like bringing a lunchbox or homework to school when our kids forget instead of allowing them to deal with missing that item themselves.  When we rescue like that, we rob them of learning opportunities but, here’s the key for this episode, we rob ourselves of our time and energy that we don’t get back.  We give and they take.  Not a good formula for the long term. I now have to take MY time to correct a mistake that was not mine.  Not fair one bit.  However, lots of parents just take it in the gut, suck it up and run to school.  It all becomes very draining and possibly infuriating when it happens over and over.
 
Let’s move on. 
 
2 - How do you let your kids know they’ve drained you
 
When your energy is drained you have choices, don’t we love choices?   You can be dramatic or matter of fact, it’ll depend on you and your kids.  For kids 8 and under I think dramatic can work really well.  “Wow, all those toys all over the floor really drain my energy.  Oh man, I’ve got to just sit on the couch and recover… Ugh… I don’t even think I can get up for a long time… Soooo sorry.”  You can have drama but make sure you have empathy too!  This isn’t a punishment, and you need to be really careful it doesn’t morph into that, and empathy will really help.
 
“Gee, this is sooo sad.  I had to do all the dishes you said you’d do and now I’m really drained.”  You might also use: “This is so sad.  It took so long to brush your teeth and get ready for bed that I’m too drained to read you a book.  I hope I can get some energy back tomorrow so we can read stories again.”  Yes, this might result in a meltdown or tantrum, but you need to hang tight to get the result you want. Tomorrow night will go more smoothly as will the night after that.  Every time you give in it sends a signal that your words don’t mean anything.  It basically keeps allowing your child to have a free pass to manipulate you.
 
For teens and tweens, you might be much more casual and make a statement like: “Gosh, you’re talking back really drained my energy today.”  No drama needed and we need to be careful not to get upset when they roll their eyes or give snarky comments when you say this.  Just let that roll off for now.  I do want to recommend you have a Family Meeting with your family, especially with older kids, so that they understand what happens when mom and dad have energy drains.
 
We’re getting more clear on what drains our energy and how use empathy and possibly drama to let your kids know about it,  so let’s move on again. 
 
3 - How might kids replenish the energy we lost
We need to make sure both your child and you are even emotionally.  This is only going to work if everyone is calm.  If your child is crying or yelling back or resentful, you’ll just have to wait.  If you’re upset that they just called you awful names, you need to wait until you have a clear head. 
 
Once that happens then you’ll say something like: “You know how I did the dishes for you earlier.  That really drained my energy.  How do you think you’re going to put energy back in mommy?”  Or: “You know how you and your brother were fighting so much yesterday, that really drained my energy.  What would you like to do to put energy back in mommy?”
 
You might also wait until after school and say in a loving and empathetic voice: “Wow, so glad I was able to run your homework to school today.  That was pretty important, I could tell but, gosh, it really drained my energy.  I was in the middle of writing my lecture and it took an hour out of my day to find your homework, drive to and from school and get restarted.  I’m wondering how you’ll be putting energy back in mommy today.  Would you like some ideas or would you like to choose something from the Energy Drain list on the fridge?”

Believe it or not, most kids actually pick up on this concept really quickly especially when a parent had a solid relationship with their child and uses this in a loving manner and doesn’t turn it into a punishment. 

A good friend who’d been using Energy Drains on his two little boys had been forgetting the empathy part and so they sounded like punishments. “Nick, you hit your brother.  That really drained my energy so go pick something off the list on the fridge.”   That sounds so different than “Wow, Nick, that’s so sad you decided to hit your brother.  It really drains my energy.  We use our words in this house when we have conflicts.  What would you like to do to put energy back in daddy?”

I have a handy list nearby on my fridge or in my head of things they can do to replace the energy drained by their poor decisions. It might be making dinner or sweeping the floor.  It could be dusting or putting lotion on my hands.  It is something your child does for you that they don’t normally do, possibly one of your regular jobs and it should be age appropriate.  If you talk about this whole concept as a family and have them help put together an energy replacement list, they’ll even buy into the program faster.

The whole idea of getting them to replace your energy is to get their brains to recognize the impact their behavior has on other people.  When we let them get away with bad behavior sometimes it’s just because they have no idea how they impact others.  It creates entitlement when we put up with it, doesn’t it?  Your kids think it’s fine to fight with each other because they’ve never known anything could happen except you get mad and make kids go to their room or lose screen time.  They know every time what will happen, but it doesn’t motivate them stop fighting and learn other methods of getting along.  If they fight and all the sudden after they’ve cooled down in their room, they have to pull weeds in the backyard or clean the bathroom, they might get the hint that there could be a better way. 
 
It’s our job as parents to have them take a pause.  They might not be happy about any of this but, over time, they will start to see that their behavior does impact others thanks to your loving and empathetic interventions.  If you haven’t heard my boys in Podcast #50 take a listen and hear what they have to say about the long-term impact of Energy Drains.  Here’s a hint: it mattered and it didn’t make them hate me.  Whew!
 
Here's a link to the ENERGY DRAIN IDEAS list on my website to help you with some energy replacement ideas.  Feel free to download the spreadsheet to edit and print your own if you’re so inclined.  My goal is to make energy replacement easy for you, so have at it!
 
Now, on to the last part.
 
4 - What do you do when kids choose not to replace your energy
This is where things get a little harder.  You’ll have to have something happen, a consequence, when they fail to put your energy back.  You need to know what your child’s currency is, what lever you have over things you do for them, that they want you to keep doing.  Here are some ideas:
  • I drive kids to school who’ve put my energy back. 
  • I read books at bedtime to kids who’ve put my energy back.
  • I drive kids to the store to shop who’ve put my energy back.
  • I serve dinner to kids who’ve put my energy back.
  • I make dinner when I have enough energy to do so.
  • I wash clothes for kids who put my energy back.

Notice, these are said with love and are not punishments.  Your child can choose to put your energy back, it’s not required.  However, you need to hold strong about what you choose to not do for them so that tantrums and whining about your “stupid energy drain stuff” won’t get to you.  You’re going to go brain dead and say: “Yeah, I know… it’s really hard sometimes.  I’m sure you’ll figure it out.  I sure love you.”  That can keep making them mad though so don’t be surprised when they’re in the learning mode of this technique.  Just be patient.  Nod your head or hum: “Uh huh…” or “Wow…”
​
I’m going to offer one other solution for getting energy drain replacements going when it comes to kids not doing chores.  This one worked great for my own boys in their middle and high school years.  I never yelled or nagged about doing chores, I know, it’s hard to imagine.  I let it be known that I’d be happy to do any chore for them and I posted a list of charges on my kitchen bulletin board.  They each had weekly and daily chores, not an overwhelming number but a few.  It was only $20 for me to take the garbage bins to the street, $5 to refill TP and $10 to comb the cat. Everything had a price and I used prices that would get their attention.  I collected my charges once a month from the pink note cards that went on the bulletin board to track when I did a job for them.  It allowed me to be a happy mom and they got to be responsible since they didn’t like giving me their money.  I was also willing to bargain with them if they did one of my jobs so they didn’t have to pay me.  I was flexible! 
 
If you talk to your family in a Family Meeting about what drains your energy, they can be prepared to help balance the scales in your home away from the take-take-take that happens way too often.  I’ve seen parents with kids as young as two make energy drains work and as old as high school.  It helps build respect for others which is a necessary life skill we all need to become thoughtful, successful adults. 
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Podcast 49: Manners Lesson: "Thank You"

6/23/2022

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In this blog I’m going to continue our quest to teach manners to our children.  We’ve already covered “please” in Podcast 47 and explored how to encourage acts of kindness in Podcast 48.  Now it’s time to figure out how to get our kids to say “thank you” and how to help develop a general sense of appreciation for not only “things” but also training them in thankfulness help to promote an “attitude of gratitude”.

THANK YOU
As I said previously, getting our kids to use “Thank You” is tougher than “please”.  Why is that?  Because it happens AFTER something, not before like “please”.  It’s easy for a kid to just forget and hard for us to not feel like we’re nagging to get them to do the thanking we expect them to do.  It means we have to work a bit harder to get the response we want.
 
Let’s start with some ideas for you to ponder.
 
First, Start Early:
Even a baby can be taught to say thank you using sign language which I total admire folks who are able to start that young.  However, most of you listening probably have older kids so just start your “thank you” training as soon as you can.  What this really involves is training yourself, something that can be difficult for some of us, but every time you give something to one of your kids, stop and wait for a thank you.  Don’t do anything else until you get a thank you.  No nagging, just wait. 

You can gently and empathetically prompt them with one of these phrases if it’s not obvious to your child what you’re waiting for.  Something like:
  • And what do you say?
  • In our house we say what when someone does something for us?
  • I’d love to hear that “thank you” in your sweet voice.  It really fills me up when I’ve done something for you. 
Notice the tone of my voice.  It’s gentle. It’s loving.  Practice that tone.

When you hear your kids getting help from someone else instead of yourself, feel free to gently use similar phrases.
  • And what do we say to a friend who helps us? 
  • And what do we say when brother helps you?
I think you get the idea.
 
Next, Be Consistent:
When we want to set up a new skill, we have to remember to use it A LOT!  Feel free to have a Family Meeting and talk about thanks – why we use it and how it makes us feel when it is used.  Let your kids know you’ll be making an effort to help the family use “thanks” every day and in every way.  They might get tired of hearing you gently remind them but you need to respond to their gripes with kindness and empathy.  “Oh, I know, it does take extra time to thank people but, in our family, we are thankful every day.  Do you need a minute to gather your thoughts?”
Notice again my tone. 

Lastly, Give Praise for Thankfulness:
A simple response from us as parents can help reinforce positive behavior.  Here’s an idea, after a child uses “thank you” say:
  • I loved how you said “thanks”.  It warms my heart. 
  • I really appreciate that. 
I know, it almost sounds like you’re thanking your child for thanking you but, hey, we need to be positive and, for me at least, it does warm my heart. 
 
FAMILY THANKING EVENTS

In all of our families there are times when we should be thankful.  Here are some ideas that come to mind that hopefully you can weave into your family’s DNA:

Dinner Thank Yous: At each dinner as a family have everyone say three thankfuls.  Why three?  I think our kids often just say something quick to get rid of the “task” at the dinner table so have categories of thanks for them to use.  They can even help pick the categories to make it more appealing.  One idea might be: something inside the house, something outside the house and something inside our hearts.  Or, something at home, at school and at a friend’s house.  Maybe: someone in your family, a friend nearby and a relative.  
Come up with a creative list and try it out.  Change it up over time!  Change it with the season.  Whatever you can to keep thankfulness examples alive in your home. 
Bedtime Blessings

If your family is a bit crazy at dinner time, nighttime might be a good alternative for setting up a routine of thankfulness.  It is usually a sweet time of day to pause and ask for thankfuls as the kids are cuddling into bed, maybe after books.  You can use the same category idea if you want or keep it simple.  Again, being consistent will help.
 
Thank You Notes for Gifts: Writing thank yous for gifts our children receive is excellent training for practicing thankfulness. 

When my boys were young, even 3 or 4, I would have them write or draw thank yous for both birthday and Christmas presents.  I participated a lot when they were that young but as they got older, we moved on to where they not only wrote the cards but they got out the supplies and wrote the envelopes and put stamps on and put them in the mailbox.  Now a days that might be all old fashioned so if you’re family and friends accept email thank yous, that’s fine, but the really important part is setting up the practice a routine of: “I get gifts. I am thankful. I thank the people who were so thoughtful to think of me.” 

Do something and do it EVERY time.  One parent I know used to only let their child open a present if they’d already addressed the Thank You to the relative or friend.  Some other families write a list of gifts on a notepad as they are opened so there’s an easy way to know what came from whom after all the unwrapping is over. They use that list to make their cards. 

Making Manners Fun
Now that we’ve got some ideas of the basics, let’s see what else we can add that might help us have fun with being thankful in our homes.

FANCY DINNER
One idea is really cool and I’d love to hear from you if you try it!  I’d even be up for being invited to a dinner with your family if you’re in the Bay Area in California. Here’s the idea: have your family can stage a “fancy dinner” night where all good manners are overtly discussed and practiced.  Get out the candles and the fancy table cloth (assuming it’s easily washable) and try it.  Show them how they ask politely for food using “please” and to say “thank you” when someone passes them something.  Give LOTS of praise too! 

It’s so fun to go overboard and even have them pull out their chairs quietly and clear the table with a smile before being served some fancy dessert.  Make it fun!  Dress up in fancy clothes or have a color theme.  It’s great to include a round of “What am I thankful for” at the same time.  Maybe you can sneak in some lessons in how to use utensils politely or where the utensils are supposed to go around their plate.  Make it feel like a 5-star event!  Bottomline, have a bunch of fun exaggerating.  Kids usually love that.
 
FAMILY MEETINGS
Moving on, if the Fancy Dinner idea wouldn’t work for your family for thankfulness training at mealtimes, maybe you have uncooperative teens who think you are totally weird, you should have a Family Meeting, you know how I love those, to talk about other ways in which you can improve on manners either at the table or anywhere else in life. 
 
MODELING
Bottomline, it starts with you!  Make sure you’re modeling thoughtful, kind manners yourself.  Our kids are little imitators who grow up into big imitators so being on the right page yourself will help. 
 
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Podcast 47: Manners Lesson #1 – Please

4/5/2022

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AUDIO PODCAST HERE:  Episode 47

A few months ago, I asked my FB group what areas they needed help with in the manners department.  I was thinking of the “please” and “thank you” kind of manners, you know the ones that included sending thank yous to people who gave you gifts.  However, I got a whole list of ones that weren’t even in my brain any more now that my boys are grown and out of the house.  The parents sent in all sorts of requests:
  • How to handle interruptions (this was the most requested one!)
  • How to get kids to say please and thank you for meals
  • Using “excuse me” when interrupting
  • Dealing with table manners including the “eating with your mouth open” offense
Yikes!  I thought this would be a breeze of a podcast.  Well, it’s clearly a larger topic than I’d anticipated so I’ve decided to do a series of podcasts on manners so that I can delve deep and you can pick and choose the areas that you need most help on so here goes!
 
The basics of manners is about teaching kindness and thoughtfulness of others, to allow our kids to see outside their often times very selfish world.  Our mission as parents is to grow our children into people who are thoughtful, respectful and conscientious and manners are part of our responsibility in getting them there.   This first lesson is about how to instill one of those foundational magic words into your kids – “please”.
 
PLEASE
How do you incorporate “please” into your family?  Here are my ideas:
  • Start young: I would very start young.  There’s baby sign language for please.  If you have a small baby, use it!  You can do a google search and find lots of resources for it. 
  • With Older Kids Set Family Rule: A lot of you know that I think communication is really helpful and I love Family Meetings for doing that.  If you have been struggling with “please” and other manners, hold a Family Meeting.  It should be short and sweet.  I wouldn’t lecture but I’d make a short statement about how in our home we treat each other with respect and using “please” and “thank you” are pillars of respect.  Let them know how you’re going to start by encouraging the use of “please” in a consistent manner. Ask your kids what they think, listen to their feedback and you can schedule more meetings as you move through different manners. 
  • Practice! What does the dialog sound like? Well, in my home my routine was, when asked without a “please”, I would nicely say “And how do you say that nicely?”  Then, if the child just said: “Please.” I would then say: “How do you say that in a full sentence?” I not only required this of my own boys but also their friends who were over constantly.  I was even handed, not forcing just my own boys but the boys they were playing with to treat me with respect. 
    • Using a full sentence request
      • Mrs. Eschen, can I have some gold fish?
      • Sure, and how do you say that nicely?
      • Please
      • Nice try, how do you say that in a full sentence?
      • Please can I have some gold fish?
      • Of course, here they are. 
    • “Excuse me?” One mom when asked for something without manners set up a signal for her kids and that was: “Excuse me?”
      • Mom, I need to go to the store to get poster paper for tomorrow! 
      • Her reply was:  Excuse me?
      • Mom, may we please go to the store to get poster paper for my project for tomorrow?
  • Upgrade for Older Kids: As your child gets older you can incorporate “may I please” into your phrasing to upgrade their speech into a more formal and respectful tone. So, in our example it would be “May I please have some goldfish?” or “Please may I have some goldfish?”.  You get the idea. It’s subtle but certainly an upgrade.  Have a Family Meeting to talk about the need for an upgrade.  Keep explaining that this is a Life Skill you are teaching, not a method of getting them to submit to our will for no apparent reason.  People want to be with people who treat them with respect, that’s why we’re upgrading.  It’s practice for life!
  • Role Play: I gave you some examples already but I think that the use of role playing can be incorporated to hone your family’s skills while having some fun.  Learning should be fun so put on your thinking caps and even incorporate your kids into the brainstorming of how to do that if you can.  One idea might be to set up a special dinner with special plates and lots of different dishes on the table that have to be passed around.  Then practice while you eat!  “John, may I please have the rice.” “Andrea, please pass the mac and cheese.” Over exaggerate the whole meal!   Maybe you have a special “Please” Meal once a week for a while?  Maybe you have a “Please” Breakfast on the weekend?  Or a “Please” Game night where you have to ask for the dice nicely each time.  Come up with a few ideas and try them out. 
  • Consistency is Key: What can make all this work? Consistency!  Yep, I said it took 10 years and I’m not kidding.  I was loving and kind.  I didn’t nag.  I didn’t lecture.  I just waited for the correct response and then, and only then, did they receive what they were asking for. 
  • Model What You Want to See: Modeling the behavior you want to see is hugely beneficial to your quest for any behavior but especially in the area of respect and manners.  You being kind and using “please” will complete the loop.  Your kids notice what you do.  They are little sponges.  They will know if you are sincere and true to this quest for good manners.  Be it.  Live it.  Because, if you don’t, by the time your kids are tweens or teens you’d be amazed at how they seem to join the Hypocrite Police and will start throwing your poor manners right back at you.
  • Leverage The Please: Keep in mind that you have leverage with “please” since it happens BEFORE something your kids want.  If your kids want something it means you have currency to trade.  If it’s help with math or washing their favorite pair of jeans or playing a game, you know their brain is in an open mindset to listen since they want something from you.  Seize the day!  Ask for the please and you’ll get it. 
  • Other Ways to Give Kids Feedback: I just wanted to throw out a few other ideas for how to request the “please” in your home, just for variety.  Remember to always use a loving and gentle tone:
    • You’re missing the magic word
    • What’s that magic word again?
    • I can’t hear you when you ask like that.
    • Lastly, if they ask rudely for something give them a choice, you know how I love choices too, they can ask nicely or encourage them to solve their own problem if they don’t want to.  For example, if they say “I need some milk!”, your reply might sound like: “You can ask for it politely or try to get it on your own.”  Just make sure if they are sassy back at you and say things like “You never help me!” that you just give them love and not start an argument about their poor attitude.  A simple reply of: “Hmm… that’s sad.  Any what did I say?”  Then go listen to podcast #41 on Disrespect to remember what to do about that sassiness. 
 
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​Podcast 42: Challenges with Boundaries

12/16/2021

1 Comment

 
PODCAST LINK HERE

In a previous episode, #20, I talked about how setting boundaries and loving limits can help your family run more smoothly.  You communicate the boundaries up front in a loving way and you allow for consequences to happen when the boundaries are exceeded. It sounds so easy when I say that right?  Easier said than done.
 
A few days ago, I ran into a family who’d been to my classes and lectures and have been trying to implement good boundaries over the classic issue in all our homes – screen time!

They set up clear boundaries, 30 minutes a day for their 5th grade boy.  Their son knew the rule but the parents told me that just about every day as soon as he was done with his 30 minutes he immediately started asking for more time.  And he kept asking and asking and asking.  Dad felt their boundary worked about 75% of the time, meaning their son got no extra screen time,  but 25% of the time their son got more time.  Hmm… Mom and dad were not in agreement that the 75% was a good success rate – dad thought it was pretty good but mom thought they could do better.  However, both of them were in agreement about one thing -- that their son begging was really getting to them. 

Our kids are smart.  When we give in 25% of the time, we give them permission to ignore our boundaries which can easily lead to begging.  It works for our kid 25% of the time which is way better than 0% so why not try it?  That’s what goes on in our kids brains without them even having to think about it. 
 
What’s a parent to do?  How do you get beyond the begging for more when you have been quite clear about the limits?
 
There are two things I’d recommend.
  1. Use a simple phrase:  AND WHAT DID I SAY? 
    When they ask for more screen time, it would sound like: AND WHAT IS THE LIMIT?   Have them repeat the limit back to you then say nothing or, at the most, give them empathy that limits are hard.  Give them real empathy, “I’m sorry this is so hard on you.”


  2. Have consequences for complaining and whining about not liking whatever limit they don’t like.  Love and Logic recommends using ENERGY DRAIN when things like this happen that don’t have natural consequences.  It sounds like: “Wow, this is so sad, it really drains my energy when I keep getting asked for more screen time when you know you’ve already had your time for the day.  How would you like to put energy back in mom?”  Notice my calm voice with empathy.  I’m sad that they’ve crossed the line and need to put energy back. 

    Feel free to even be dramatic when they start asking for more screen time!  “Oh my!!!  My head… it’s awful… my whole body is draining of energy!  Ugh!  Being asked for more screen time is just the worst!  What are you going to do to help get my energy back?  I’ll go sit here on the couch to recover while you figure it out.”     


    I have a handy list nearby on my fridge or in my head of things they can do to replace the energy drained by their pestering me. It might be making dinner or sweeping the floor.  It could be dusting or putting lotion on my hands.  It is something your child does for you that they don’t normally do, possibly one of your regular jobs.  The idea is to get their brains off thinking about their selfish requests onto the impact their behavior has on other people.  This is true for all ages of kids!  2-year old’s might be dusting or vacuuming while 16-year old’s might be making dinner. 

    Here's a link to my Energy Drain Idea list.


    But what do you do if they won’t put your energy back?  This is where things get a little harder.  You’ll have to have something happen, a consequence, when they fail to put your energy back.  You need to know what your child’s currency is, what lever you have over things you do for them that they want you to keep doing.  Here are some ideas:
  • I drive kids to school who’ve put my energy back. 
  • I read books at bedtime to kids who’ve put my energy back.
  • I drive kids to the store to shop who’ve put my energy back.
  • I serve dinner to kids who’ve put my energy back.





If you’re able to ask for the replacement in a loving and consistent manner your kids should view you as fair and reliable even if they don’t always agree with the rules.  No yelling.  No long lectures, just empathy.  “This is so sad that you’re having trouble with boundaries.”  You do have to be prepared for a tantrum or two when you’ve had to use a lever to get them to put your energy back but, stay strong.  You can do it!
 
Why Boundaries Fail:
I just want to take a minute to go over a few more reasons why some of your boundaries might not be working in your home. 
  1. Boundaries are Undefined – this is where you think they should know them but you never actually said it out loud
  2. Boundaries are Too Flexible – this is what happened to my family with the screen time issue, the kids don’t know when mom and dad might enforce a limit but there are limits
  3. Boundaries have Too Much Negativity – when boundaries are always negative it makes kids want to rebel, there is a lot of “you can’t” do this or that
  4. Boundaries have no Consequences – you set a limit and then don’t do anything when the limit is broken
  5. Too Many Boundaries – this is when parents are trying to control way too many aspects of kids’ lives and the kids have no room to breathe, they are always breaking rules every 10 minutes since there are so many rules
 
How to Set Good Boundaries:
Now let’s do a quick review of how to set good boundaries:
  1. Define the Boundaries – I love to recommend families have Family Meetings to help define and set limits so no one is surprised and everyone has some input into the rules when it’s possible.
  2. Make it positive! You want to tell your kids what they CAN do, not what they CAN’T do. 
  3. Have Consequences - Kids need to know what will happen if they choose to disobey you or ignore you.
  4. Be Consistent – we talked about that already
  5. Be Reasonable - it’s great to make a list of Family Rules but be careful not create so many rules that the kids feel they don’t have choices and will start to rebel.  It’s best if you can incorporate ways for your kids to have a feedback loop especially when setting up new rules as your kids grow. 
  1. Be Calm and Loving – when our kids give us grief feel free to go braindead.  “Mom, this sucks that I can’t use screens when all my friends do all the time!”  Your response is: “I knooooooooowwww” in a boring, but loving tone.  You can always talk with your child at later time to ask for feedback if you get too much grief but not in the moment when their emotions are activated. 
 
I hope this was helpful. 

Here's a link to my other episode and the Energy Drain Idea List:
Episode 20 - Creating Calm with Boundaries and Limits
ENERGY DRAIN IDEAS
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Podcast 39 – Bad Teachers: How to Deal With Them

9/1/2021

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PODCAST LINK HERE

Would you like to know how to deal with your child getting a bad teacher? Having a bad teacher can feel like a prison sentence for the whole family. Sadly, there is nothing you can do about it immediately but hope for the best.
What makes it worse is when every other parent in the class starts complaining after the first day of school because they know what it is going to be like for the next nine months. Most of us know that it’s almost impossible to change classes once a class list is set which is part of the reason most schools that I know don’t post their class lists until a day or two before school starts each year.  But what can you do to make the most out of the situation?
 
In this article I want to talk about a few things.  First, what do bad teachers look like?  How do they behave? Next, what can you do about it as a parent and, lastly, what can your child do about making it through the year in once piece having learned what they need to.  That’s a lot to cover so let’s dive in. 
 
First, there seem to be three kinds of bad teachers: Fluffy, Boring and Mean
  1. What’s a Fluffy teacher?
    • These are the ones that often show movies or tell personal stories, getting off topic. Often times they are super nice human beings but just don’t manage to teach much or don’t teach the topic at hand. How can you tell if your child has a fluff teacher?  You might begin by asking to see the curriculum and look up the Common Core Standards to find out what your child should be learning. This will send a message that you are informed and watching.  My niece had a second-grade teacher who had been a kindergarten teacher for 20 years and was moved up due to class size issues.  Well, after a while my brother and his wife, who both happened to be teachers, noticed that homework coming home was kindergarten level work.  I kid you not!     
  2. What’s a Boring teacher?
    • These teachers just read from the script or are just unchallenging and can be deadly.  One friend was in a class with a high school history teacher in her last year before retiring. That teacher could care less about teaching.  She literally read the textbook.  It was agonizingly boring each and every time my friend went to class.  What a drudge to get through that.
  3. What’s a Mean teacher?
    • These are the scary ones.  Ones that might yell and scream at the kids in their class.  They might demean kids in front of others.  They might deal out punishments unevenly or even play favorites where your kid isn’t the favorite.  Or maybe they’re just impatient and won’t answer questions so your child comes home not knowing the material. These teachers can cause lasting damage so we need to keep our eyes and ears open if you think your child has a teacher in this category. 
 
Julie Plagens at Mom Remade has a wonderful article about dealing with bad teachers.  I’ll put a link in my podcast notes. It’s called How to Deal with A Bad Teacher: 15 Strategies to Survive the School Year
That’s a whole lot of strategies but I’m going to go over just a few that I think might really help families in this situation.
 
Wait and See
The first approach would be to wait and see while doing research
  • You need to investigate to see if things are really as bad that they seem.  Sometimes our kids and their friends, not to mention other parents, can really blow things up.  Gather information from multiple sources if you possibly can -- class work, opinions from other parents with kids in that class, info about how things are going in other classrooms for that same topic; that sort of thing.
  • You might find people who took that teacher's class last year and ask them how they got through the year. They might say "It doesn't get better but stay quiet or it gets worse." Try to find students who did well in the class and ask how they achieved that - ask to borrow their notes if they have any. Ask them if they have any tips on how to do well in the class.
  • Another way to research is to volunteer in the classroom if it’s allowed which it often is at the elementary level although since COVID-19 not much is allowed any more. I’d read the teacher’s emails and look over the assignments.  Don’t helicopter, just be aware of what’s being studied and communicated. 
  • You should also try to figure out what the teacher’s perspective might be, sometimes it’s not all your child says it is.  Bottomline, research before taking sides.  Even parent rumor mills can vary depending on how different kids reacted to the same teacher.  I had one parent tell me that her son hated a particular teacher he’d had a few years before which made me a little worried but, for my son, she turned out to be one of his most favorite teachers.  Go figure. 
  • I just want to say that during this “wait and see” phase, sometimes things do settle down and kids figure out on their own how to get through each day or even start liking the teacher they were complaining about.
 
Communicating with the School
However, if you really feel that things need to be addressed you need to start the next phase which is communicating to the school
  • Teacher meetings are the starting point.  Set up a meeting with the teacher and your spouse or partner.
    • As you meet you need to phrase the concerns as issues that require clarification instead of an attack, like “Mr. Jones, I need your help.  I’m a little confused about something.  Annie said _____, but I think she may have misunderstood.  Can you explain it to me?”  This gives the teacher an out but implies you’re watching what’s happening at the same time. You need to tread lightly since alienating your child’s teacher is one of the worst things you can ever do as a parent since your child can suffer as a result.
  • If you feel unsatisfied the next step is to have a meeting with the principal or someone above the teacher like the head of a department
    • Ask for a meeting with the administrator and the offending teacher together to voice your concerns.   Nothing makes a teacher angrier than going over their head without giving them a chance to correct things. 
    • In my case, my son’s 4th grade teacher was a fluffy teacher. He and his classmates weren’t learning much at all.  We parents grumbled in the background for a few months as we started to see how little our kids were learning.  She was a new teacher at our school although not a new teacher to teaching, so it took us a while to see things.  A few parents chatted with the principal but nothing happened.  Our comments seemed to be treated as casual parent grumblings which principals here a lot of over the course of the year. It’s part of their job, right?
  • Community Pressure
    • As a last resort, if the teacher and the principal won’t listen to you as a parent, talk to other parents and address the situation as a group. There is power in numbers. It makes a statement.
    • In my case, By Feb/March of that year it was apparent that we needed to move to a united front of concerned parents.   There were 5-6 families who strategically set up individual meetings with the principal over a month or so period.  You could set up one meeting with lots of parents but that’s not what we chose to do.  The principal got the message and that teacher wasn’t hired back.  It sounds a little harsh but once a teacher is offered tenure it’s almost impossible in California to get rid of them.  This didn’t help our kids that year but it certainly prevented other families from suffering in future years and we really felt heard which made us feel a little bit better.
Learn to Cope
Lastly, it seems that most of the time your child is just going to have a bad teacher and you have to help them learn how to cope with it. You can’t always have the best teacher, the best principal, or the best school.  I’m sure all of us remember times when we had a bad teacher in our youth, or a bad boss or a bad co-worker.  This is life. There are lessons to be learned about working with difficult people and bad teachers can turn kids into problem solvers with the right love and encouragement from their parents and peers.  As possible solutions you might get extra tutoring, set up study groups, correct homework yourself or become your child’s reading or writing partner.  It’s all extra work to get though the year but figure out what will make the learning happen, don’t let the bad teacher take away a whole year of learning.
 
If your child is 5th grade or older, if at all possible, you want to brainstorm with them on how they can handle the situation themselves.  You don’t want to rescue every time and talk to the teacher for them every time they have a problem.  Lots of kids are afraid of authority figures and need encouragement to stand up and be heard.  What can you do to help?  Feel free to role-play or even have your child write down what they might say to their teacher about an issue.  Step in only after the child has tried on their own.  If they don’t understand something, encourage them to stand up to the teacher and ask for extra help.  It might be really scary and hard which is why I’d suggest some role-playing with how that conversation might go. 
 
That said, sometimes a bad teacher just won’t help a kid learn.  I was talking to a recent college student whose AP Calculus teacher in high school just didn’t seem to know the material and wouldn’t and couldn’t even help them.  They tried talking to the principal with and without parents and nothing changed so the students in that class learned that they had to adapt.  They gathered together in study groups. They traded notes. Some of them had tutors and they traded those notes.  They used Kahn Academy lessons online.  They learned that they could learn without that bad teacher and they all wound up passing that AP exam in spite of that teacher.  It was twice as much work as they should have had to do but they did it. 
 
In another instance, when my younger son was a junior in high school, he struggled with a teacher who was constantly picking on him.  This teacher was in the boring category and my son just hated his class.  He was getting a good grade but came home every day complaining about how much he hated being in that class. 
 
After a few months I decided to challenge him. I know that great teachers have the ability to make one-on-one connections with students.  They are able to do amazing things with them since their students trust them and feel seen.  In this experiment, I decided to encourage my son to flip that where he’s the one who makes the connection with the teacher since this teacher didn’t seem to know him as a person and was picking on him all the time for putting his head on his desk and not participating.  I told him that if he when to his tutorial period with that teacher and had a conversation about ANYTHING, I’d give him money.  Yes, I am not above using money to motivate behavior of things kids don’t know how to do yet and I decided this was one of them. 
 
So, a few days later, he and a basketball friend, who also was in that class, decided to go to tutorial and talk to this teacher who happened to be a basketball coach of one of the girls’ teams.  Well, wouldn’t you know it, they talked about basketball and they even enjoyed the discussion.  You know what happened?  The very next class the teacher was nice and each day after he was too.  That teacher “saw” my son and, you know what, I think my son “saw” him too.  In chatting with him about this he even remembers that he tried harder to participate.   They weren’t the best of friends or anything but things worked out. The best part is that my son learned a life lesson in how making connections can really make a difference.  It was worth every penny I spent!
 
One of the last strategies in Julie Plagen’s article is about having a good attitude.  I love this idea. Listen to what others say but always talk nicely about the teacher in front of your child.  Sometimes when kids hear parents talking trash about a teacher, they’ll use it as an excuse to slack off or worse. 
 
I interviewed a number of people young and old for this podcast from students to parents to teachers.  The discussions were so much fun.  It was interesting that each person could remember a bad teacher or two.  Some teachers didn’t know the material. Some teachers were always unprepared. Some teachers were boring as heck. Some teachers had class pets and treated some other kids unfavorably.  But you know what, all those kids made it through to college and beyond.  They had loving families who supported and encouraged them.  They had parents who would listen to them, help set up and augment their studies, and give them empathy when things were tough.   They learned that life sometimes gave them lemons but, typically, they were able to make lemonade.  Sometimes it was a year or two later but, in the end, they made it.

I know as a parent of younger children; things might seem dire and you have a right to be concerned.  A young dad who has a 5th grade son just heard that his son got stuck in the class of a bad teacher for the third year in a row and is losing his joy of learning.  That sucks.  I’d certainly keep a close eye on that 5th grade teacher early and often.  I even know families, myself included, who’ve found that moving to a different school was worth the bother as a last resort.  I wouldn’t keep moving my kid every time I wasn’t happy with a teacher since it creates lots of other stressors that can be significant, but it’s worth considering. 
 
I just want to finish up by saying getting our kids through school is certainly a journey of ups and downs.  I pray this article has given you ideas for keeping the journey a little smoother. 
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Podcast 35: Helping Kids Learn to Apologize

6/30/2021

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN

Don’t you hate it when your kid does something so embarrassing or just plain mean to someone else? Biting another kid... Stealing something out of someone’s backpack.. Sending mean texts ... Yelling at their sibling that they hate them... Disturbing a room full of quiet children who are concentrating...

Makes you just cringe! You HAVE to get them to apologize for any offenses, right?

Did your parents ever force you to apologize? Did it really make you feel sorry? I’m guessing that, like me, you probably just felt worse, felt embarrassed and it made you even more mad at whatever/whomever caused you to be rude in the first place.

Apologies are really important, however; what we want is for the heart of our kid to change, to have them understand that their behavior was unacceptable and caused hurt in another human being. Here are some ideas that might be more effective at changing their hearts instead of just forcing them through the motions of an insincere “I’m sorry.”
1 - WAIT TILL EMOTION HAS PASSED
The worst time to get a kid to apologize is when they are still full of emotion. You have to WAIT until they are calm and can talk about the situation and until YOU are calm as well. In the moment we get so distraught and embarrassed at what our kids have done that we want to lash out and fix things right away. We drag them across the playground and say things like “Apologize to Sara right now!” or “Tell Jamie you’re sorry!”

Instead, we need to go BRAIN DEAD, to take time for everyone’s feelings to subside.  It might be you wait until you get your child home from school or a playdate or even the next day.  This calm will allow us to make sure that their minds are open to a discussion when we move to the next step. Feel free to weave in empathy for the situation.  “Wow, it sure is tough when we hurt someone’s feelings.  I can tell you’re upset.  Let’s talk about it later.  I sure love you.”

2 – Brainstorm Ways to Make Amends
Brainstorming is the next step.  There are a few pointers to making this as effective as possible. 
  1. Do it privately, without your other children present if possible.  You don’t need comments from snarky siblings as you tackle the issue.  If you can give 100% of your attention without juggling other things at the same time it really helps.  
  2. ASK if they are ready to talk about ideas for apologizing before launching into your own ideas.  This is the test to see if their brains are “open”.  If they answer, “yes” that they’re ready to talk, it means their thinking brain has turned back on.  If “no” is their response, then emotions might still be holding onto their brain so hold off and try again at another time.  Don’t forget to throw in another round of empathy like “I can see an apology might be hard for you.  I sure love you.  Let’s try again later.”
  3. Once you’ve do have an opening, exchange ideas of how THEY intend to deal with the apology. Sometimes you’ll get an immediate, “I don’t know.”  Feel free to gently suggest ideas of what you think might work keeping in mind we want to activate their brain in the thinking process.  We put out one idea at a time and think about it together.  We want an apology that will work for them, so their feedback is really important.
What does it look like when you’re done?  One son decided to write a letter instead of walking up to the girl he was mean to. One boy who threw a block at his brother decided he’d give his brother a hug, say he’s sorry then let him play with his new playdough set.  In another situation a teenager offered to babysit their younger siblings after taking the car when they weren’t supposed to.  They could give flowers with a note, draw a picture.  These days they could even make a Tic Tok video apology if that’s their thing.  Feel free be creative and to role-play the apology or, even more useful, role play how they’d avoid the situation from happening next time it comes up. 

As a parent you want to support your child in learning different ways they might apologize that work for them so that as you launch them into the future they have skills for repairing relationships when things go wrong. The brainstorming models for them that they can figure an apology strategy that works for them, not a parent-enforced and  insincere, “I’m sorry.”

3 – Getting to Their Heart with Consequences
Lastly, there are times when even brainstorming with your child just doesn’t work.  What then?  When a kid’s heart is disconnected from the impact of their behavior, it’s best to let a consequence do the encouraging rather than a forced apology or giving them a lecture. I love how Love and Logic tells parents to use what they call Energy Drain.  You give EMPATHY and then, “Oh, this is sooooo sad. It really drains mommy’s energy when I see you aren’t willing to apologize for ...
  • hitting your sister
  • being too loud and disrupting class  
  • taking food that was meant for the birthday party tomorrow

After the EMPATHY, ask them how they are going to put energy back in you. It might be a chore or a service they do for you. Each time they drain your energy in this way, you let them pay you back. Over time, if you’re consistent and loving, they will learn that their poor choices of causing hurt in others are causing them to do extra WORK! Yes, real WORK instead of just saying some stupid words that don’t mean anything. If this WORK doesn’t make them get a heart for their actions at least you’ve stopped the insincere words which weren’t changing behavior anyway.  If you see your child needing this reinforcement, feel to get more details by listening to Parenting Decoded’s Podcast #10 on Consequences.
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To summarize, we want our kids to apologize, and we need to set up ways for them to learn to do this after emotions have calmed down and in ways where their heart is engaged and they sincerely are sorry.
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Podcast 20: Calming the Chaos with Boundaries and Limits

10/3/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN​​​

Our kids are smart.  They really know how to manipulate us into getting what they want – crying, whining, nagging, having tantrums, giving us the silent treatment.  It can be overwhelming.  In my last podcast we were learning how to use choices early to avoid power struggles from the get-go.  In this podcast we’re going to follow along that positive path by using another technique that is a companion to choices – setting boundaries and limits. 
 
Sometimes, without realizing it, we put our kids in the driver seat.  We think they know what they should do, and by golly, they do the opposite.  Take eating dinner for example.  We put them at the table and give them food.  We expect them to sit and eat it.  However, after 2-3 minutes they hop on out of their seats to get a toy to play with.  We, in an effort to make sure they don’t go hungry or become malnourished, run after them with a fork or spoon to try to get them to eat another bite.  Or we put them back in their seat with threats and yelling but it happens all over again.  So frustrating, right? 

Or how about your child playing on electronics?  You tell them they have 30 minutes to play a game and they never get off.  If they do, you’ll find them sneaking some extra time in here or there. 

Why does this happen in our homes?  How do we get it to stop?

Kids Need Rules
It’s been pretty well documented that kids do better in life when there are safe and loving boundaries, but boundaries have problems. 
  1. Boundaries are Undefined
  2. Boundaries are Too Flexible
  3. Boundaries have Too Much Negativity
  4. Boundaries have no Consequences
  5. Too Many Boundaries
 
How to Set Good Boundaries
  1. Define the Boundaries
    Be up front!  If something is important to you then even be willing to write it down and explain it if you need to.  Make a poster.  Make a list of family rules!
    • Electronics are charged in the kitchen
    • We brush teeth twice a day.
    • Backpacks belong in the mud room.

  2. Make it positive!
    I love how Love and Logic calls boundaries “loving limits”.  You want to tell your kids what they CAN do, not what they CAN’T do.  Removing that air of negativity from your home as much as possible is such a breath of fresh air and helps to combat our negative tendencies.
    • I serve snacks to children who have washed their hands.
    • I let kids play computer games who’ve finished the dishes.
    • Kids can play with daddy when he comes home from work who have picked up all their toys.
    • You’re welcome to ride your bike with a bike helmet.
    • I read books to kids who are ready for bed by 8:15
    • I help kids with their math homework who are treating me with respect.
    • I drive kids to soccer practice who have their gear bag packed.
    • I let kids drive a car who are paying for half the insurance.

  3. Have Consequences 
    If you’re using positive statements, then there is usually an implied consequence.  Like kids who don’t do the dishes, not getting to play computer games.   Or kids who aren’t ready for bed by 8:15, won’t get books read to them.  Kids need to know what will happen if they choose to disobey you.

  4. Be Consistent
    This is a tough one for lots of parents.  If you set a rule, it needs to be followed through on.  Saying that you serve dinner from 6 to 6:30 then you only enforce it 70% of the time because one kid has been up and down getting in and out of their seat and hasn’t finished their dinner yet so you’re worried they haven’t had enough to eat, sends the message that the rule isn’t the rule. The kids aren’t even confused, to tell you the truth, they know you’re just kidding when you set a rule, that you have no backbone and your rules don’t need to be obeyed.  If dinner really ends at 6:30pm, you need to end dinner.  If you’re kids aren’t supposed to be riding bikes without helmets then, if they do, you need to lock up the bikes which is such a natural consequence to their choice to ride without one.

  5. Be Reasonable
    I mentioned that it’s great to make a list of Family Rules but be careful not create so many rules that the kids feel they don’t have choices and will start to rebel.  It’s best if you can incorporate ways for our kids to have a feedback loop especially when setting up new rules as your kids grow.  I did a podcast on Family Meetings and that is an amazing place to set and review Family Rules.  It’s podcast #17 if you want to go and review it.

  6. Be Calm and Loving
    When letting our kids know about the limits we have, we need to state them calmly using love and empathy and we need to respond to them in the same way if we get grief from them.  “I don’t want to wash my hands!” or “That’s a stupid idea, Mom!” might be responses to your positive, calm requests.  If that happens, which I’m sure it will, use empathy and love and the classic “I knoooooowwww” in a boring but loving tone.  Kids aren’t going to like every limit we set.  Your remaining calm will bring peace to the whole process.  You can always talk with your child at later time to ask for feedback if you get too much grief but not in the moment when their emotions are activated. 
 
That’s basically it.  Use limits in a loving way and you’ll avoid lots of power struggles with your kids before they start.  Choices will help give them some control over things you don’t care about and adding loving boundaries and limits helps smooth out communication as to what is expected in our homes.  Using words with positive and loving actions seals the deal to helping your family grow in a positive and healthy way.

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Podcast 19: Calming the Chaos with Choices

9/21/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN​​

Do you feel like you’re always battling your child?   You tell them to do something and you immediately get a “no” followed by whining and complaining or outright defiance?  A simple request that turns into a war is enough to send us over the edge sometimes. 

In this article we’re going to talk about how to avoid power struggles by using a secret weapon -- Choices!


Battle for Control
When our kids are putting up a big fuss, whether it’s about going to bed or getting off electronics, they push our buttons so quickly that our brains go into resistance mode and we allow ourselves to be pulled into a power struggle.  We want the best for our kids and we know how to get it to them efficiently and effectively so they should just do what we say.  Some of us are extra frustrated because when we were kids, we didn’t give our own parents such grief and that thought makes US even more frustrated with this whole situation. 

We’ve talked a lot about helicopter parents in my previous podcasts but now I want to talk about another type: Drill Sergeants. Parents who always want to tell their kids what and how to do things are called “Drill Sergeants”.  Kids of drill sergeants grow up feeling they’re not listened to and their opinions don’t count.  They are ignored. 

Well, for parents who want to raise kids who are followers that might work well.  But who is really trying to do that?  Anyone?  No way, our society tells us we’re supposed to be raising leaders, right?  Now I do want to mention that most of us fluctuate between being a helicopter parent and a drill sergeant depending on the circumstance, our kids’ mood and our mood.  It’s nothing to be ashamed of but it is something to be aware of.  It’s when we switch into our drill sergeant mode that our kids start joining the army to battle anything coming their way.  Yikes!

What’s a parent to do?  Shut down our natural drill sergeant tendencies and bring choices into play.  We should give away control as much as possible especially about things we don’t really care about and as many times a day as we possibly can.  Allowing our kids lots of choices gives them the power over their lives that they are seeking.  It not only will build confidence about their ability to make decisions but also reassure them that they can control some things in life.  It’s soothing to not only their hearts and minds but also to your mind and spirit.  Who wants to go through life feeling like we have to battle our kids at every turn?

One thing to note is that you need to give choices when things are going well, before any power struggle erupts.  How do you do that? 

Offer Playful Choices When Young
When kids are little, I find that parents can have a lot of fun offering playful choices that help to serve as distractions that wind up easily preventing battles.

Here’s a classic drill sergeant parenting move: It’s time to go to bed.  Please go change and get ready.

Often, you get the classic answer: No!  I don’t want to go to bed!

In this case, emotion is already engaged so you’ve got a battle on your hands.  So, what can you do instead BEFORE any resistance happens? 

Try this:
“It’s time to go to bed…” and then offer some of these options:
  • Would you like to walk backwards to your bedroom or hop on one foot?
    Would you like to race daddy or mommy back to the bedroom?
  • Would you like to take a bath first or brush your teeth first?
  • Would you like to brush your top teeth first or your bottom teeth?
  • Would you like to wear your pajamas tonight to bed or put on your clothes for tomorrow so you don’t have to do in the morning?
  • Would you like to go to bed in 5 minutes or 15 minutes? (knowing full well that 15 is your goal)
  • Would you like to read one book or two? (knowing you are prepared to read two!)

Offer Just Two Options
Notice how I’m giving just two choices, not a huge menu.  You want to focus the options to be things that you’re ok with.  Just like the time for going to bed I offered two times that I liked – 5 minutes or 15 minutes.  If an hour isn’t an option, then I don’t offer it. You also don’t want to put yourself in a situation where you’re waiting for a response. 

Decide for Them If They Can’t Decide
Choices, when offered, should be decided within 5-10 seconds.  If it takes longer, you’re being held for ransom, so you need to go ahead and decide for your child.  It’ll sound something like:
“Oh, this is so sad.  It looks like you’re having trouble deciding.  I’m going to give you a bath before books.  I’m sure tomorrow night you’ll be able to choose on our own.”

Now some kids might have a tantrum at the prospect of you choosing for them but you need to brace yourself for that and give them empathy and love but their time to choose has passed.  This might seem crazy at first but after a few rounds of this your child will know that if they really want some control over things in their lives, they’ll have to do it on a timely basis. 

You just keep churning out the choices when things are calm.  One thing is certain, if a kid’s brain is triggered into an emotional battle, choices won’t work.  Their brain is “off” so don’t start trying to load in choices right then.    Sometimes we try to fix things by using choices like a kid having a tantrum over what you’re serving for dinner: “Oh, you don’t like the chicken nuggets for dinner?  How about mac n cheese or spaghetti?”  When your kids are upset, let them be upset.  Give them love and empathy and maybe a few hugs until their emotions have settled down and then, and only then, would you try to solve the problem and might offer some choices to do that.  “Wow, I can tell you were upset earlier about having chicken nuggets.  That’s so sad.  Tomorrow would you like spaghetti or mac n cheese?”  This is all assuming you don’t mind having spaghetti or mac n cheese for dinner. 

Teens and Choices
Those of you who have older kids might say to yourselves that those fun-filled choices of hopping and skipping to bed or the car for are beyond you and you might just be right.  However, your battles can be bigger, can’t they?  Those tweens and teens really want control over their lives.  When kids don’t have control, they can set the whole house into a tailspin of tension and mistrust that can make every day miserable.  To counter that tendency, as kids grow, we need to transition them to making more and more decisions so they are prepared for the real world.  You aren’t protecting them from anything by being over protective and restraining them.

You need to up your game by allowing them more choices that are more advanced.  Here are some examples,
  • Instead of, “go brush your teeth” you give them a choice of brushing their teeth twice a day or paying for extra cleanings.  
  • Instead of dealing with a stinky teen who won’t bathe, let them know they are welcome to shower either before dinner or in the morning, dinner or breakfast will be served accordingly.
  • Instead of doing their laundry for them and demanding they bring you their dirty clothes, let them know they can do their laundry on Saturday when you’re not using the machine or after 5pm during on Mondays.  In that example, notice you’re not only giving choices but you’re helping them with a life lesson in laundry.
  • Instead of hearing them complain about what you’re cooking for dinner, ask them which day they’d like to make dinner, Monday night or Sunday.
  • Would they like take out the trash before dinner or after dinner?
  • Would they like to use their laptop in the kitchen or the dining room?  (notice their bedroom isn’t an option)
  • Would they like help with your to help with math or would they like to have a study group?
  • Would they like to join a soccer team or a baseball team?

Not Everything is a Choice
I do want to let you know that you don’t need to make a choice about everything.   Brushing teeth in most families isn’t a matter of a choice but allowing them to pick electric or hand brushing or which toothpaste or what timer to use to know they’ve brushed long enough can all be options offered as choices.  You get to choose the topics that can have choices. 

In a previous podcast, I talked about a mom who was having trouble getting her kids to wear their helmets when bike riding.  It’s a safety issue that’s non-negotiable.  The only choice I would offer would be do you want to ride with a helmet or not ride a bike?  That’s more like a threat.  I’ll talk in my next podcast about how to use well defined boundaries in situations like that instead of choices so stay tuned for that. 

Resistance to Choices – How to Handle It
Now there are lots of you regular listeners who tell me that choices are amazing, but they don’t always work.  Maybe they work with one child but your other child just likes “no” a little too much.  Here are some tips:


  1. If they won’t choose quickly enough or want to make their own options, hold fast and let them know they can choose next time, but you go ahead and choose for them this time.
  2. If you’re consistent then they know you’ll be true to your word.  Give them empathy if they start giving a major fuss that they don’t like the options given.  Feel free to go brain dead and say “I knooooooow” as a response.   It’s ok for our kids not to like all our choices so we need to make sure we keep our emotions in check in the event our kids don’t like our choices.  Saying something like: “This is so sad.  That’s not one of the choices right now.  I’m happy to let you choose something else at a different time.”  Then you go ahead and pick one of the choices.  Don’t let getting grief from your child throw you off. 
  3. If your child really won’t choose and a major battle still ensues, I’d recommend you go listen to Podcast 10 on Consequences and Punishments.  You’ll get a lot of ideas on how to react in a calm and loving manner. 
  4. Feel free to email me as well or connect with me on Facebook.  I love brainstorming with parents their challenging situations!

Using choices and giving kids lots of practice with making decisions is super healthy.  As kids learn to trust that you value their opinion and hear what they have to say, their self-worth and self-esteem can grow and blossom.  You will see your child empowered and wanting to cooperate instead of going to battle with you.  In the end, you’ll be looking for more ways to give your child choices.
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Bottomline: use choices, use them often, use them with just a few options that you like.
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Podcast 18: Distance Learning During COVID

8/31/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN​​
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I'm not sure what to say about living through history at this moment in time.  I live in California where virtually all schools are doing remote learning.  I know my podcast reaches outside of California so hopefully not everyone has to deal with all the issues I’m going to talk about.  We never expected to be having distanced learning due to a worldwide pandemic.  We certainly have to get through to the other side and we will get through it.  This article is meant to give you some food for thought in setting up your family for success with remote learning.

You all know I love practical parenting so I’m going to start with the physical setup ideas of how to get things running smoothly then move on to things like setting up routines, family rules and how to keep things fun and flexible. 

Let’s dive in!
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Lots of you have already started your distanced learning this school year so just listen for some ideas to make adjustments if you’ve got some bumpy areas going.
 
1 - Physical LEARNING AREA
  • Organize - I’m sure your school has already recommended you set up a quiet and organized area for your student with a desk and chair, not a bed.  Having bins or shelves with supplies can really help keep things organized so your child doesn’t get frustrated trying to find different items.  If at all possible, you want to make sure the table height and chair height are appropriate for the size of your child.  Kids sitting in adult-sized chairs for long periods of time can be really uncomfortable and distract from learning.  If you’re on a limited budget, ask your school if you can borrow a desk for the duration of online learning. 
 
  • Get rid of distractions – One of the biggest helps for learning at home is to get rid of distractions, meaning toys and stuff, from the work area. 

    One family I work with has the option of having their kids in their bedrooms with a desk and supplies.  To prepare, they spent the week before school clearing out any visible toys from around the study area.  Their son loves Legos so that meant not only Legos off the floor but also off the shelves and out of the room.

    Another family with a 1st grade daughter found that even though she was blessed to have her own room that it wasn’t going to work for them.  It was too hard to pack up all her toys and too far away from mom watching over her.  They got creative and set up a workspace on the dining table using one of those tri-fold poster boards to create her own little cubby area.  They even had her decorate it.  She had all of her supplies nearby but also a buffer from things like anyone else in the house walking by.  If your child is in a public space, you might want to try to build a cardboard barrier like that.


Lastly, you also need minimize other types of distractions like the family pets and siblings who are babies or toddlers who might cause disruptions not only for your student but for the entire online classroom.  Your child’s teacher will often help manage some distractions but please, please discuss not having excess noises like eating, doing dishes, vacuuming, cooking and such going on while your student is learning and trying to concentrate. 


  • Provide quiet and focus – Next we’re going to talk about how to get a quiet environment.  Lots of families are using headphones to block out noises from the home while helping to keep kids focus.  I love the idea.  If you have the flexibility, have your child select the headphones. If they aren’t comfortable, you might try different types or figure out another location in your house that they can be alone and not have to have headphones on. 

    I talked to a mom who felt it odd that she can’t hear what’s going on in her daughter’s classroom since the headphones block out what the teacher is teaching and what other students are saying. She’d really like to listen in, but she had to remind herself that if this was a real classroom, she wouldn’t be able to do that.  We do need to trust our teachers and let our kids know we are here to assist, not to attend school with them. 

If you have an older student, you might run into this other issue with headphones.  One student objected to their very functional headphones because they didn’t look cool enough, so she didn’t want to use them, but it disrupted the whole family when she didn’t since her sister and parents were also all working from home.  What do you do with that?  We should show empathy for that child and allow them to use their own money to purchase any other headphones they deem more appropriate.  You provide the basics is what I’d recommend and allow them the flexibility to use their own money to upgrade if they want to. 


  • Moving around – Now some families are finding that their kids need to have different locations through the day or week to keep things fresh.  It’s really hard for kids to sit in one place for a long time so they are getting out of their chairs and wandering when things get boring or hard.  Maybe they do online in one location but do their required reading on their bed or a comfortable chair.
    • If you have multiple kids who need some variety in location, set up a schedule of who goes where and when.  Maybe one location is the kitchen table and another is more private.  If both kids want the same location feel free to ask them how they’d like to rotate – daily, weekly or maybe even throughout the day.  Let them have input if at all possible.  You know I love Family Meetings and this could be a topic for your family. 
    • If you have other areas of your home, feel free to use them as long as they are set up ahead of time. One family is working to figure out how to rotate to the backyard picnic table while the weather is still nice out for a few hours a day.  It might take some trial and error to figure out how long and what time of day, but it’s worth a try.  You allowing for flexibility in keeping kids engaged in fresh ways to learn is really helpful.

  • Charge devices - Keeping devices charged and ready to go is also super important.  When devices fail families get crazy stressed out with anxiety about missing out on work or being embarrassed that they aren’t online when everyone else is.  Many families are finding that chargers with extension cords or power strips that remain plugged in all day and night works best.  The rule should be:  If your kid is online, they should be plugged in.

  • Check video and audio connections – You also need to make sure video, audio and connectivity is working.  Someone should test all of these out probably 30 minutes before class starts in the morning.  If you have a child in 3rd grade or higher, they should be the one testing everything out.  If there are problems, work with them to train them on what was done to fix the problem.  Some schools have special hotlines set up for students and parents to call for technical assistance.  If you’re fortunate to have that support, have that number or web address printed out on a paper and posted somewhere really obvious so you can call or email without a struggle if you need outside help. With school starting up the this issue is probably the most stressful for just about every family I talked to.  Prepare for problems and know what you’ll do if they happen.

  • Keep online safety in mind – Now I want to talk about online safety.  If you’ve listened to my podcasts on Screen Time Issues, episodes 11 and 12, you know how highly I press home the point to keep all electronics in public places.  Well, for some of you with multiple kids learning at home in addition to adults working from home, you might have to compromise and let kids work in their bedrooms, sometimes even with the door closed.  In this difficult time we need to be flexible, I think it’s fine to revise some of those screen time rules but not to throw them out the window. 

    During the times of the day that online learning is happening, room time screen time is fine.  Once online learning is done, all devices come out of the rooms or get powered down.  If that doesn’t happen and you find your kid on YouTube or Fortnite, make sure you have consequences defined just like you have in the Digital Contract for your home that was talked about in the Screen Time podcasts. 
    I would also recommend letting everyone know that once we return to in-person learning that the family screen time rules will go back to being what they were with no screens in bedrooms.  Mention that every so once in a while so that it’s not a big shock when the rules are imposed again later on. 

    Just to let you know how serious this is, I already heard from one school that they had to deal with a 5th grade boy logging on to porn during class time.  Just imagine what can happen if you left the device in the bedroom day and night with no supervision. 


 
2 - ESTABLISH CLEAR ROUTINES
Now I want to move on to how to keep things running smoothly in your home through all of this by establishing clear routines so everyone knows what to expect, it’s not a jumble every day. 
  • DAILY SCHEDULE -Have a daily schedule not only for academics that most schools are already providing, but also for family routines.  When does everyone wake up?  Eat breakfast? Make it be as much like “real school” as possible.  You won’t have to get “out the door” but being “in your seat” and having guidelines for getting there is really helpful to everyone. Do the same for after school and bedtime routines so that things feel “normal”.

  • POST INFO - You might want to post their routines on a bulletin board or on the kitchen fridge so that they can, or you can, refer to them. 

  • WEEKLY SCHEDULE - In addition, have a weekly schedule to show assignments and assessments plus other fun activities both with school, family and friends.  Have your child make the schedule if at all possible.

  • I found a fun resource on Pinterest that I’ll include in the show notes that has blank daily and weekly schedules and even some useful signs to print out so your kids can let others know if they’re online or taking a test or on away from their computer. 

  • Next, set up regular CHECK-IN times with your child especially if they are in elementary school.  
    • Morning – it could just over breakfast
      • What subjects are today?
      • Any tests/assessments coming up?
      • What resources do you need?
      • What can mom/dad do to help?

    • End of Day – maybe right after online learning ends but could be at dinner or before bedtime
      • How far did you get in your tasks?
      • What did you discover?
      • What did you do great?  (“Glow”)
      • What was hard? (“Grow” opportunities)
      • What could we do to make tomorrow better?

    • Most reports I have from high school students and their parents is that the students are tracking their own schedules, but parents should still lovingly check in to see how things are going.
 
  • YOU NEED TO HELP WITH TIME – Another area to assist with time.  Time is a tricky thing.  If you’re too young to tell time, it can be stressful to know if you’re on time, if you’re older you can get distracted and not even look at a clock.  Using timers and alarms can be a godsend.  Figuring out if you need an alarm for a specific time like 8:30am to get online vs. setting a countdown timer that shows how much of a 90-minute session is left can be really helpful. 

    One family told me their son was so anxious about getting back online after lunch that he was short-changing himself time allocated to lunch.  Setting an alarm really helped him but a countdown timer that starts at noon and counts down for 60 minutes can work too.  Ask your child and experiment with what works for them.  You can get timers from Target or Amazon or download timer and alarm apps from the internet. 


3 – Another thing you want to do is ENCOURAGE INDEPENDENCE
  • There are a few things you can do to help to do that:
  • Let the teacher teach! Don’t assume you have to do the teaching.  Yes, you might answer a question or two, but you don’t need to learn how to teach algebra, that’s what the teacher is for.  
  • Let your child own their work.  The more you can let your child own their education, the better off everyone will be.  Training your child to take charge of their schedule, devices and school work is where we need to head.  Let them make mistakes and you be around to help problem solve.  From what I’ve heard kids who are 4th grade and older are doing pretty well understanding that their school is their school and they don’t need a parent hovering very much at all. 
  • Train them to ask their teacher. Let them ask the teacher for help, don’t step in and ask the teacher for them.  Show them how to ask for help, model it for them.  Model anything and everything they need to be successful.  Don’t do things for them, if at all possible.  If you feel that you need to talk to the teacher make sure your child is around to participate.

4 – SUPPORT FAMILY LEARNING
  • When school isn’t in session, try to look for creative opportunities to include learning in the rest of the day:
    • Cooking - Math/science/reading– measure things, fractions, weigh things, read recipes – make cookies, make dinner, make sourdough bread, just make anything and include your kids
    • Laundry – Math – count socks, matching, sorting like things
    • Gardening – science
    • Vacuuming or sweeping – PE!
    • Just have fun!

  • BOREDOM BUSTERS – It would also be helpful to have ideas ready in the event that things are going sideways with either learning or the environment.  If they can’t connect, make sure they know there are options of other things they can do.  Keep a list of those nearby so they are easy for them to find.  If they can’t read yet, make picture posters of ideas but the point is that you are prepared with things to do.  I’ll put a link to my Pinterest pages with activity ideas. 
https://www.pinterest.com/maryeschenparentingdecoded/boredom-busters/
https://www.pinterest.com/maryeschenparentingdecoded/kids-fun-indoor-activities/
https://www.pinterest.com/maryeschenparentingdecoded/activities-for-teens/
 
5 – LEAD YOUR TEAM THROUGH CHALLENGING TIMES
The last point I want to go over is tying in what some of you heard in Episode 17. I encouraged families to come together as a team to solve challenges, so burdens are shared and solutions celebrated.  We need to do this with distanced learning issues.  When problems arise, you need to lead your family team to solutions!  Here are some topics I’ve run across in my discussions with parents lately are probably affecting quite a few of you:
  • Quiet times – when are they?  When can people run the dishwasher or play music?
  • When can you interrupt mom/dad when they’re working?  Is it any time or a set time of day?
  • How are the interruptions done? Is there a signal?  One family has their kids slide a note under the office door to let dad know they need help.  Another family can see mom through a glass door into her office and stand quietly outside till mom can give them a hint about how long it will be till she can see them.
  • How are emotions handled? If there are problems that are serious, how can everyone keep their wits about them?  What can we put in place if the work gets hard for our kids to let off some steam?  Or if they’re bored?
  • Time with friends- is there a schedule?  A time limit? Can they meet their friends online or do they form a pod with a few other families so they can see each other in person?  What are the rules for meeting in person, how can it be safe?
  • Special time with parents per kid – when can each kid have some special time with mom or with dad?  What schedule can work for your family to make sure you have time to connect?

I want to tell you about a single mom who reached out to me at her wits end.  Her 5th grade son was getting so bored with his online school during the day that he’d constantly get up to get snacks, go to the bathroom, do art or Legos.  He wasn’t paying attention.  It was so frustrating for mom.  Now when we’re upset our brains often go offline and we just can’t even think straight.  After chatting with her for a while, it became obvious that she needed to set up a Family Meeting and go over some of these challenges.  They needed to solve them together.

The two of us brainstormed for a bit so that she’d have some ideas for the meeting.  We talked about if there were other locations rather than just the kitchen table that her son could be at where mom was also trying to work and couldn’t get anything done with her son roaming around.  They are in an apartment so there aren’t many options, but no one was using one of the bedrooms and there was also a balcony available.  Could they work something out so that he rotated to different areas throughout the day?  He also has a really great teacher and we talked about how they could enlist her help in either coming up with more challenging work or different ways to engage her son so that he doesn’t get so bored.  Also, maybe there are some quiet toys he can keep nearby that will keep him in his seat or how about a “no snacks till recess” rule?  It’ll be trial and error for a bit but at least they can be a team to tackle the boredom problem so that mom can get back to work and so can he. 


BE FLEXIBLE AND STAY IN TOUCH
The final and most important thing I want to go over is to do what you know is right for your child.  Some kids will be emotional roller coasters with anxiety.  Please be gentle and be flexible in this challenging time that none of us have ever been through before. Nobody expects parents to replace classroom teachers. And no one expects children to perfectly mimic a classroom situation at home.   Positive intentions, love, consistency, and grace will go a long way towards helping all of us survive this period of isolation and emerge as better people on the other side. Hang in there!

I hope this was helpful.  If you’d like to spend some time brainstorming your challenges with me, I’m happy to assist.  You can either email me at [email protected] or join my Facebook Group called Parenting Decoded and post your issues there for others to learn from.  It’s a “private” group and if you have any trouble joining it, just email me.
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Podcast 16 - Money Matters: Teen and Tween Edition

8/1/2020

1 Comment

 

THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN​​

In this blog I’m going to cover issues relating to money with middle and high schoolers.  I will go over how to give money and how much, when to give money, and how to set up responsible money habits including how to use an ATM card, checking account, credit cards. 

Money is a huge challenge for us all and at this stage your high schooler or middle schooler is at a huge crossroads with learning life skills.  Dealing with money is a much-neglected skill during these years yet they are the most crucial years to allow as many affordable mistakes as possible. This makes money a prime target for small mistakes now to avoid big mistakes later. If you know someone who can’t manage money as an adult, I’m going to guess their parents didn’t teach them much about it, might have given in to every whim just to keep them happy when they were young.  Hey, that adult might even be you! 

If you listened to my podcast about money for younger kids, you’ll have already heard how to start a small budget for vacations and special events that I call a trinket budget.  We’re going to expand on that concept greatly by including more of the day-to-day expenses our kids encounter, not just vacations and special events. 

With older kids I want to help you introduce money concepts so that by the time they graduate from high school they know about budgeting, credit cards and debt.  I’m even going to show you a way to tie in getting chores done which is such a bonus.  You want to launch a financially responsible child into the world so that you won’t be paying their bills for the rest of your life. 
 
Let’s get started!

Middle School – start budgeting using what I call the
Setting Limits Method - During this phase you want your child to really understand that there are limits to what they can spend instead of just opening up your wallet and spending YOUR money.  

Didn’t it get you in pre-COVID days when your kid said they wanted to go to a movie with friends and you had to fork over money on the spot not only for the movie but also for the popcorn and a drink?  It was for their happiness, right?  That parent guilt just gets to us when it’s done in the moment.  All practical thought sometimes just goes poof, right out of our heads.  Or, how about your kid going to Starbucks and getting a Frappuccino and a snack because they’re hungry. That can easily be a $15 transaction if you’re not careful.  I had one friend whose child went to Starbucks every day without any care as to the family budget.  Another friend was conned into buying extravagant birthday presents for their kids’ friends just because mom and dad hadn’t set a reasonable spending limit. 

So, here’s what we’re going to do, you will set YOUR limit of what YOU will give them by category. You will also set a money allowance that’s in an unlimited category they can do what they want with.  Have a family meeting or a private meeting with each kid if you have lots of different age kids.  Just do this all up front with thought and planning, no puppy dog eyes as they’re leaving for some event.  Feel free to have your kids help decide on what has limits and how much.  The important thing here is that they start to learn that there are limits and it’s helpful to know what they are up front so no one is surprised.

Here are some ideas for some different types of things that you can talk about but keep in mind that some of these will only apply after we move out of this COVID time that we are now in.  

school supplies
birthday gifts for friends
clothes
Starbucks or other snacks 
activity supplies for sports, music, etc.—like sports shoes or warmups or instruments and reeds or drumsticks and related equipment
activity fees (monthly, quarterly, by season, etc) if they are in sports, clubs or educational activities
school lunch money
movie tickets

You’re going to add up what you think is reasonable for you to pay for and give them that amount per month or when it’s appropriate.  Some things you’ll still have to pay for that you can’t quite define like how many birthday presents are needed per month but you can establish a amount of what you will add to the birthday budget per birthday. 

Here are more specific ideas of what a sample parent could allocate:

One Starbucks drink per week of not more than $5
School supplies of $50 per year
Lunch money for school lunch for 2 lunches per week
One movie ticket per month
Birthday gift budget of $25 per gift
Clothes budget $25 per month

Keep in mind this is for middle schoolers who don’t have a lot of freedom to roam.  Put into this system whatever you can.  Some parents will put in budgets for sports equipment like $75 for new basketball shoes and your kid can add their own money if they want to spend more on Air Jordans.  Maybe they’ll be willing to get last year’s model instead of getting the $100 version?  You won’t care, you’ll just be paying $75. 

For me one of the first limits I set was for school supplies.  For years prior we would head to Office Depot with the school shopping lists in hand.  My boys would convince me that they needed new this and that.  I was such a pushover. I caved just about every time. 

Well, once I learned budgeting, I set a limit of $50 per kid, per year.  I met with them and explained that they could use the money to purchase any supplies they needed but that was a yearly budget.  They could choose to reuse what they already had or buy all new stuff – pencils, binders, paper, markers, erasers.  I let them know it was all up to them.  I loved them and was sure they’d learn to make good choices over time.

However, I also let them know, if they didn’t use all of the $50, they were welcome to use it for anything else.  This incented them to be conservative and reuse much of what they chose not to in previous years.  Yeah!  I want to confess in previous years, I had been spending more than $75 on supplies. This was a total win for me and them. 

I had friend who, after her two daughters constantly overran the data budget for their phone plans, switched them to pay-as-you-go plans and gave them a budget $15 per month.  It was amusing for mom to watch how quickly her daughters used up those $15 and learned to look for Wi-Fi hot spots or wait until they got home to the house Wi-Fi instead of just constantly streaming data to their phones whenever they felt like it. 


Allowance Amount
Now that we’ve talked about a simple budget I want to talk about an allowance.  That’s the unrestricted money we give to our kids that they can spend on whatever they’d like.  How much do you give and when is the question.  As much as you think is appropriate and can afford, could be a dollar per week or $10 per month.  It doesn't matter, but be consistent.  I used monthly.   The amounts can change as your kids get older; I usually gave them a “raise” on their birthdays. 

My calculation was one dollar for each year they were old, per month.  Yep… not much by some kids’ standards but that’s the point.  You want kids to have to stretch and think about where to spend that precious money and how they can maybe save some on of their budget items that can move money into their unrestricted funds area.  Like if they find an older pair of Air Jordans for $50 somewhere, they can pocket the extra $25 to use on something else, maybe snacks at Starbucks that you’re no longer funding? 

You also want to encourage them work to earn extra money by doing extra jobs around the house or put out flyers or a post on NextDoor to offer to help their neighbors with things like dog walking, picking up mail, cleaning up dog poop or watering plants while neighbors are on vacation.  A girlfriend’s son wanted a new, cool skateboard so he worked his buns off to earn the money for it.  That mom also posted a list of what she’d pay for her kids to do her jobs if they wanted to earn money at their house. 

All this was communicated in the open so no one was surprised by any of it.  No whining and begging for “stuff”.  Give them love and empathy if they don’t like it.  “Oh, I know it’s hard to earn money.  I’m so sorry.  Let me know if you’d like some ideas.  I sure love you.”
 
What about Giving?
When kids are young and we give them allowance and we ask them to allocate some to their “share” jar.  We still want to encourage the “share” concept at this age and we can budget this item and put it in a “restricted” category that they aren’t allowed to move into their unrestricted “spend” area.  They need to “share” it with a church or charity.  No exceptions. 

If they get birthday or holiday gifts, help them allocate some of that money into their “share” budget as well as to their savings account.  Keep modeling for your kids your own giving and have discussions about how to help others with their share money.

One last thought before I head into the area of high school budgeting.  There’s a super cool app that you can use for any age kid but it would be great to use for middle schoolers.  It’s called GreenLight. It allows you to set up a debit card that’s controlled and monitored by you and used by your kids like a real debit card with restrictions on what stores and what amounts can be spent at certain places.  It’s $4.95/month per family so it does cost a bit but it might be a good transition tool prior to high school. 

Ages - High School
Speaking of high school… Every parent should jump at the chance to really step up budgeting with high schoolers.  This is a crucial learning ground that will be backed up by affordable mistakes and really set up your kids for independence in college and beyond. Here are the basics:


Step 1 - Set up a checking account in their name with real checks and an ATM card that you can electronically transfer money to and from.  It will probably be an account where one parent is a co-signer, that’s fine. You want your kid to swipe that ATM card to get used to our electronic payment-oriented society.  If they run out of money the ATM card will stop them unlike a credit card.  You can also set them up on Venmo, a popular payment app with students.  Don’t be afraid to let them use it. Have them write checks occasionally too!  Some kids really struggle to establish a decent signature especially since cursive is a dying art in schools these days.


Step 2 - Decide as many things as possible that your kid can pay for with YOUR money, yep, YOUR money like we did in the middle school exercise but WAY more detailed.  Hey, you pay for all these things anyway so let's leverage that money to work for future independence!  We’ll call this the INCOME side of the budget. 
What kind of things could be added to the list:
  • all the items listed in the previous age range
  • private lesson fees – academic tutoring, sports, music, dance, whatever!
  • sports fees - school sports, club teams, travel for sports, etc.
  • lunches/meals - whether at school or outside
  • college applications/testing fees
  • prom tickets and expenses
  • grooming – haircuts, nails, etc.
  • student fees for things like yearbooks or school spirit gear

Step 3 – Next calculate things on the DEDUCTION side of the budget.  Some families will have their teens pay for things like car insurance, the data plan for their phone, gas for using the family car on trips with friends, that sort of stuff.  My kids had a monthly deduction for both their car insurance and data plan.  Sure, I could have afforded it but I wanted them to have some skin in the game.  Where did they get the money for those deductions?  They could earn extra or use savings if they had to.  Didn’t matter to me, not my problem. 

Here’s the kicker.  I talked about incorporating chores into this budgeting process and here’s what you need to do.  Post a price list in your kitchen of what you’re willing to charge for doing your kids chores for them.  Then, if a chore isn’t done at the agreed upon time, no problem!  You just happily do the chore for them and charge them for your services.  I’d advise you to pick charges that really do make you happy, don’t skimp.  Taking the trash bins to the street could incur a $10 charge.  How about picking up that dog poop?  $10?  $20?  Cleaning the dishes?  Making their beds?

When you actually do a chore, I’d recommend posting a note or keeping a log somewhere that a snarky teen can’t rip it up if they’re mad.  When it comes time to do the budget add the DEDUCTIONS for what I call “mommy chore” charges to the other monthly deductions.  If they want earn as much income money as possible, they will learn quickly to keep their mommy chore charges to a minimum or do one of mommy’s chores to even out the deduction before the next pay period. 

Cars for High Schoolers
Just a side note, no one should be buying their high school kids' cars, much less new cars.  If they really need access to a car and you can afford to get one, find an older model car that’s not classy and buy it as a family car.  We had grandpa’s old car for one boy and their aunt’s car for the other.  A Toyota Corolla that’s 8 years old was not what my kids wanted to drive but both got them around until they could afford to buy their own cars. 

Step 4 – Now, back to our budgeting. Step 4, calculate the money needed to cover the income and deductions in Step 2 & 3 and transfer that electronically to your child once a month.  I would have my kids balance their checkbooks by hand before they got their next month's money just so that they could see the money come and go.  They switched to online balance watching after a few years but their first years with an old-fashioned paper checkbook to balance was a good exercise.  Sort of like we all learned long division but always use calculators now, right?

Step 5 - Sit back and watch them use their money.  If they forget to pay their tutor or music teacher... GREAT!  That teacher will help them learn to pay bills on time. If the instructor tries to get the money from you, I’d just redirect them to your kid and explain this is a learning process. 

If they bounce a check... GREAT!   Nothing like learning how much bouncing a check costs.  Whatever you do, don’t get overdraft protection for their account.  One dad did that and was only charging his son $25 instead of the bank’s $35 fee and his son didn’t blink an eye.  We need to get our kids to blink and look the payment monster in the eye.  This is real stuff so make it real.  These are all affordable mistakes that you can give them love and empathy for when they happen. 

Now, on the other hand, if they manage to save extra in areas of their budget that they decide they’d like to use the money elsewhere, great.  Say you give them money for two lunches a week and they decide to make their lunch all days of the week.  Let them pocket the extra to encourage their saving habits.  Remember how in adult-life we have to save for a vacation or a new car?  These balancing activities will help plant those saving seeds in their brains that they’ll use later on when purchases really need to be saved for over a long period of time.   

Ok, you’re ready to launch!  Those are the five steps.  I do have a few more comments on money and teens. 

Encourage Jobs to Earn and Learn!
One area I want to encourage is for all parents to allow and promote the idea that their kids should earn money by having a part-time job while in high school.  I know.  I know.  There are lots of parents in Silicon Valley where I live who feel that doing homework and school is a job for their kids so they refuse to let their kids work outside the home.  However, doing homework doesn’t prepare them for all aspects of the real work and I want you to help them get those extra skills. 

Crummy, low-wage jobs are such an amazing place to learn all sorts of life-lessons that are never, ever taught in schools.  Having to punch a timeclock on a schedule that your boss only tells you one week in advance and one that changes just about every week.  Getting a real paycheck – do you auto-deposit or not.  Dealing with taxes.  Getting tipped or not tipped – they start learning how it feels to not get tipped even though they’ve been doing a great job.  Dealing with co-workers that you didn’t choose – ones that gripe and don’t work hard are tough to work with.   

My one son didn’t have much time between his academics and athletics but he managed to get a weekend only job at a local burger joint.  It was a God-send if you ask me.  He learned about all those things and more.  Dealing with cleaning tables and taking customer orders.  Priceless.  Did you know that when we walk into a place like that, we often ask a 16-year-old what’s good on the menu?  Haha!  So funny!  Kids that age are amazed that anyone would bother to think that they might know the answer.  Precious lessons in building confidence and self-esteem.  Please, please let your child work!
 
College Finance Ideas
Lastly, I just want to make a few comments to those of you who have college kids or will soon.  You need to practice these budgeting things but scale it up even further.  Have your kids pay all their own bills, yep, even tuition and room and board if they are going away.  Agree ahead of time what you are willing to pay for and when you will be transferring money to them. 

In my practice, I see too many parents just opening up their wallets whenever their kids call to say they’re out of money.  I want to encourage you to set the limits up front and use empathy when they run out of money.  If you’ve set up their high school budgeting experience appropriately this will not be hard or a surprise. 

My boys knew in advance that they paid for all their own entertainment and eating out with money they earned from their summer jobs or jobs they got during the school year. 

I think having a limit for food spending is really wise as well.  Freshmen in dorms are usually required to buy a food plan.  If they have a food plan, in my opinion, that means they have food even if it’s not the best.  If they’d like to eat out, fine, it’s on their dime.

A friend could see her son’s bank account draining down and he only had $5 left in it at one point.  What a bummer!  He wound up getting an on-campus job to help even things out.  Another friend just wound up paying for the dorm food that her child wasn’t eating in addition to all the food her child at out.  Crazy, isn’t that?  Picky eaters can have a tough time in college but at that stage it’s their problem that they need to navigate, not mom and dad’s. 

Last topic, credit cards.  It is important for our kids at some point to start building up credit for future purchasing power.  I’d say as they go off to college is the time to research a good card for them and encourage them to start by choosing one type of purchase that they always pay for on their card and then pay off every month.  There are lots of companies who will offer students cards that have really high interest rates that can get kids into trouble.  Avoid those.  Shop around!
 
Learning to deal with money can be an amazing journey and allow our kids to have choices when they manage money well.   You being in their lives communicating and allowing for mistakes in loving ways is what’s going to get your kid into the right place.  They will blow it occasionally, embrace those times with a growth mindset and love them though the process. 

Whatever your child's age, please take the time to work with money.  
 
If you found this information useful, please forward the link on to your friends and family. 
 
Here are a few of my favorite books about kids and money. 


Millionaire Babies or Bankrupt Brats
Parents are Not ATMs

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Podcast 13 - Anger Managment for Parents

6/7/2020

0 Comments

 


THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      
​LISTEN


Wow. What a week.  Writing this podcast has sure been a journey in tough times.  First, COVID-19 hits in March.  I’ve been blessed to have ventured into podcasting so that there’s a way I can still come into your lives.  Now, in June, with #blacklivesmatter, our nation is being rocked by anger and fear.  It’s overwhelming.  In this episode I’m going to talk about the anger in our own homes that we have that gets directed at our children and some ideas for how we can get it under control. 

I know anger isn’t helpful, caring and thoughtful action is helpful.  Being cool, calm-headed, and working together is what can move us forward as a nation but also as families.  Today I’m going to start in your home and deal with the anger your precious, adorable children bring out in you when they don’t obey, won’t listen, when they argue with you or when they fight with each other.  Your kids manage to push your buttons so easily when you’re tired or in a rush, right?  Some days you’re the epitome of amazing parenting and then the next day you’re on your knees with anger and frustration at your kids and yourself.  It’s exhausting. 
  
ANGER - COMPLICATIONS
I want to talk about how anger and threats create certain complications in our homes that we might not be expecting - an atmosphere of fear and children who become followers or rebels.

1 – Fear
First, when we use anger and threats with our kids, I’m mostly talking about yelling but some parents don’t yell but they certainly still get angry, they just don’t yell. We might grit our teeth and say “Do that right now”.  It’s still intimidating even if it’s not loud. When talking about parenting types the Helicopter is the nagger but the Drill Sergeant is the yeller/teller type.  They tell their kids what to do and expect immediate obedience; if there isn’t, then there are consequences mostly using fear and intimidation.  Don’t get me wrong, I firmly believe in consequences but they need to be delivered in a fashion that will be impactful for the long term.  Listen to Podcast #10 for more on that if you haven’t yet.

2 – Followers
But, you do it because anger works!  Certainly, it does.  Intimidation and being more powerful than your child works in your favor especially in the early years when you are physically bigger than they are and they are completely dependent on you.  But, how do you feel when someone yells at you?  Ever had a boss yell at you?  Did it make you feel good?  Did it make you want to be around that person? 

When I was working in hi-tech myself and some of my staff were in a meeting with a top VP who totally blasted one of his direct reports in front of 15 other people.  It made me cringe.  I was shocked and appalled.  If this happened to you, most likely, you felt small and stupid.  It might have made you want to hide.  I know when my dad would yell, we would all want to scram as fast as we could.  He wouldn’t listen to us even if we had a defense.  He shut down our feelings and minds just like that VP did. 

Some of us fall into Drill Sergeant mode when we get angry and frustrated.  This is when we want to yell and tell our kids what to do and we will yell louder and longer if our message isn’t being heard.  When I talk to live audiences about Drill Sergeants, I ask them who wants to raise a child who is a follower.  How about you?  Are you wanting to raise a follower?  Of course not, our society is always telling us to raise leaders.  We need leaders.  We need GOOD leaders.  And here you are, you might be raising a follower without even realizing it. 
As you yell or firmly tell your child what to do and how to do it, you shut down communication and their brains.  They aren’t encouraged to think for themselves, just to obey you.  They will FOLLOW you out of fear.  That’s not what we want.  We want them to THINK with their brains and know how to use their brains to fix things when stuff happens that isn’t right.  We need to communicate with them and allow them to problem solve and brainstorm with us, not go sit in a corner pouting or crying by themselves because we’re mean and yelled at them.  If you want to raise a leader let’s take anger out of the equation for raising your kids. 

NO THINKING
I’ve talked about brain science in a few of my other podcasts #2 probably has the most details.    When we are angry, our brain is in “fight and flight” mode.  This is true for our kids’ brains but also for your own brain.  If we need to guide our families, we need to use the thinking part of our brains, our prefrontal cortex.  I want to talk about ways to keep out of fight-and-flight and what to do if you do get there.
 
ANGER RELIEF
Assuming you recognize that you sometimes lose your temper, here are a few ways you can stem the tide. 
First, acknowledge you’re angry.  When you feel your body start to tense up and you start to go up what my good friend who is an MFT calls “anger mountain”, you need to embrace that feeling as it goes up your spine or face.  Once you can feel that feeling coming on, get some help to diffuse it.  I’m going to give you a few ideas of help you can use in your own home but if you have a major issue with anger, please get professional help or email me and I’ll be happy to connect you with appropriate resources. 

1 – Enlist your spouse or significant other, if you have one

This can work two ways – giving your spouse a signal or your spouse giving you a signal. 
When things are calm, set aside time with your spouse to work out a signally system.  If one of you sees or hears the other getting angry or yelling, use the agreed upon signal to help them recognize they are losing it.  I want to encourage a signal that doesn’t sound like “Hey, quit yelling.  You’re upset, go outside and cool off.”  While that may sound helpful even if it’s in a nice tone of voice, I want to suggest just using a phrase that signals “Hey, honey, I can tell your getting upset.  I’ll take over.  You go calm down.” Without saying all those words.  In my house we tried something verbal for a while like “Gee, honey, I think the cat’s water dish needs new water.”  Or it could be where you physically signal by pulling on your ear or patting your head.  The point your signal will convey the message without further irritating the situation.

I love signals like this.  My husband and I developed one many years ago to help deal with my I getting really nervous when my husband would tailgate, especially at high speed.  Now, he’s a good driver, and it doesn’t happen that often but when he used to do it I would verbally say “Honey, slow down!  You’re not using the 3 second rule.” “Or, it’s not a 1 second rule, it’s a 3 second rule.” And he’d snap back getting irritated with me nagging him again, wanting me to chill out.  Both of us would be angry and annoyed, not understanding each other’s point of view.  Not a win-win situation at all and we didn’t even have kids creating this tension. 

Well, we had a heart-to-heart one day while not in the car when both of our brains were calm.  I explained my point of view and how it really scared me and he explained how it kept sounding like he was a bad driver.  We both agreed to use a signal and no words in the future.  I gently tap him on the knee when I feel uncomfortable, he knows I love him and I’m scared and he has time to react without getting defensive.  It’s been amazing.  I know it’s not a parenting situation but I think you get the drift; communication can lead to real progress in relationships.

You and your spouse need to come up with something like a knee tap.  I really think a “no word” option is better than even the cat water bowl words.  I’d suggest maybe even having a teddy bear or a blue card or a pack of gum that you just hand each other that says all those words without saying anything verbally, an “I got your back” secret signal. 

2 – Enlist your kids

This next idea is to recruit your entire family to help get yelling and anger under control.  Have a way that ANYONE in the family can signal “warning, anger erupting!” without using words.   Some families might use a card – red, blue, one with a bird or a dog on it.  Other families might have teddy bear, doesn’t matter as long as everyone knows and agrees on what the signal means.  The person who receives it needs to have some calm down time.  It’s not a punishment but a loving encouragement. 

In order to enlist your kids in helping get your temper under control, you’d have to have a family meeting to brainstorm how to make it happen.  You have the meeting at a time when everyone is calm, maybe a Sunday afternoon or Friday night before a movie.  Talk about why you need help and how you need love and support to make it happen.  This type of family support can show that everyone needs help in life, even parents, in dealing with emotions.  I’d have an option that mom and dad can also hand the calm down signal to a child so that everyone can have the same love and support to improve emotional skills.  If it doesn’t work at first, have more family meetings until everyone can get on the same page with empathy and love.
 
3 – Use reminders

Some people find reminders a really useful way to help break bad habits.  Anger can certainly be a bad habit so try some to see if it will help you.  One parent I work with has trouble with anger but a lot of that is caused by having a lack of empathy for what her kids are going through.  We brainstormed a bit and she decided to place yellow stickies all around her house with “empathy” on them.  It did work for a while. Another mom just put stickies with an “E” on them around.  Some of you are tech-savvy and might create automatic texts, calendar entries or emails with nudges for you to be more empathetic or ask yourself to rate your anger for the day on a scale of 1 to 10.  Use anything but try something!
 
BAD FEELING RECOVERY

Now that we’ve talked about some ideas on how to try to stop yelling, I want you to think about ideas for what we can do to counteract the feelings incompetence and self-esteem that we often damage in our children when our anger lashes out at them. 

Our kids are fragile and words can break them. Often times, those words spoken by us in anger stay with them for a life time.  When we say “You’re so stupid!” often enough, they start believing it.  When we tell them they are clumsy, they stop taking risks.  When we get angry at them for breaking something or falling or missing a ball at a soccer match, they absorb that anger.  They start internalizing that they really aren’t good enough.  They might try harder in an attempt to win your love but it comes out of fear and hurt. 

Sometimes the hurt becomes so great that they stop trying harder or they withdraw from you.  That’s often what happens when teens start rejecting everything their parents say to them.  The parents have brushed off every possible opinion their child had when they were young so the teen learns that their parent could care less what they think.  They close down and rely on their friends for ideas and exchanges.  Super sad.  Let’s figure out how to be a parent who understands that parents are human and make mistakes and is willing to take time to repair damage before it becomes permanent. 

There is a lot of psychology around how impactful negative comments are.  The research says that it takes 5 positive interactions to negate just one negative one.  Ouch.  That’s a crazy imbalance, isn’t it?  We really need some creative ways to balance those negative interactions out. 

I came across a fun solution last week while on Pinterest.  There’s a therapist who has a website called idealistmom.com.  She has some great resources if you like this podcast and want to learn more.  The thing that she had that caught my eye was what she called the “Five Hair Ties” solution to getting this negative/positive imbalance back in line.  She says to put five hair bands on your wrist in the morning when your kids wake up.  If you have a bad interaction, you lose one hair tie to the other wrist. You then have to spend the day trying to earn it back to the original wrist.  If you have more negatives you’ll lose more ties and have more work to do, so you’re motivated to even the score as soon as possible.  It’s a gentle, physical reminder that there’s more love needed. 

What types of things can you use to recover?  Simple!  Things as easy as a hug (she says a 6 second hug is best), sitting and reading extra, putting a note somewhere they can find it with something nice on it, go outside together, play a game, give them an extra smile, tell a joke, have a dance party in the kitchen,  there are lots of ways!  I’m going to put a link in my podcast notes on how to sign up for a really cool printable chart with 25 of her ideas you can post on your fridge.  It’s super worth clicking on!  I love her SAY-PLAY-DO-SURPRISE quadrants.  You have to sign up for her newsletter to get it but it’s totally worth it and you can always unsubscribe after! 

BRAINSTORMING

I want to talk about one more thing I think can help families a great deal with trying to overcome anger issues, Family Brainstorming sessions.  I mentioned it a bit when suggesting you enlist your children in helping you recognize when you’re getting angry. I really think it’s an amazing tool that should be used all the time.  Setting up open and honest discussions with your whole family about issues that are upsetting family harmony is super healthy for establishing family bonding and love. 

Your children deserve to hear from you when things are calm in your brain as to what gets you upset and then you all work together to understand how to overcome the issues.  If you’re getting upset at everyone for leaving their shoes all over the house and you yell about it every day and no one does anything, having a place to air grievances like this in a kind, calm manner can be helpful and harmonious. 

Your kids should understand why it upsets you and maybe you all decide to create a new shoe area in your house together.  Or maybe shoes stay in the garage or on the porch on a new shoe bench that you all create and paint together.  Showing your kids how problems can be solved with words and creativity is the best lesson you can give them in life.  Anger solves nothing but if anger isn’t addressed it explodes as we can see now.  Address the anger in your life so that your kids can have a good role model for solving issues.
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I hope this has inspired you to think about issues that bring anger into your family.  Be creative.  If hair ties aren’t your thing, try rubber bands, bracelets or coins in your pocket.  Remember your words can wound for a lifetime.  I’d love to challenge anyone to try the hair ties for one week and write to me about it.  I’ll provide a free phone coaching session to anyone who does it, that’s how important I think this is.
 
If you found this information useful, please forward this link on to your friends and family.  It would be helpful to me but what I really want is for us to work together to help the world take steps to control our anger in a positive, healthy way.

Here's the link to the idealistmom.com website article:
https://happyyouhappyfamily.com/angry-mother/

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PODCAST Episode 10: Punishment vs. Consequences

4/13/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:     LISTEN
​

This week during the corona virus shelter-in-place it seems my mom friends really need some guidance in getting their kids to listen and obey them.  They are using good techniques like choices and setting limits but their kids aren’t responding, they are just ignoring parents and doing whatever they please.  Moms are pulling their hair out in complete frustration if they aren’t locking themselves in the bathroom for a good cry.  Well, folks, this is for you!
​
I’m going to first talk about the concept of punishment, what it means and brings about vs. consequences and why they are different and more desirable.  I’ll then go into how to determine if there are natural consequences readily available or if you need to figure out another type of unrelated consequence to use instead.

With that said, let’s  dive in.

Punishment and what it means
First, let’s talk about the concept of punishment.  Typically in parenting we think of a punishment coming as the result of some bad, undesirable behavior – hitting a sibling, stealing food from the pantry, talking back, not cleaning up a mess, using electronics without  permission or staying on them longer than allowed, not wearing a helmet when getting on a bike, breaking a toy, forgetting their backpack or losing something.  The list of possible bad behaviors is endless and constantly expanding, of course!

In response, a parent dishes out a punishment which varies between a time-out, getting sent to your room, washing your mouth out with soap, taking away electronics, putting locks on the pantry doors, a spanking, or for older kids, the classic, being “grounded”. 

In our gut we want all of our kids to respect what we say and to immediately respond.  When this doesn’t happen the inner Drill Sergeant in us shows up on the scene and doles out the punishment for not obeying.  We will be mad and we might even yell.  

“Go to your room!” 
“Give me that iPad!”
“You’re grounded!”

When our kids are younger, say  0-12, we are bigger and louder than they are and their resistance to our yelling and punishment can be less difficult than by the time they are teens and start yelling back in a louder and more powerful ways.  No matter what punishment you give, no matter how loud you give it, it amazes you that the very next day they do the same thing all over again!

This punishment thing just makes the anger and frustration grow in us as well.  The cycle is endless.  The punishment doesn’t seem to get into the hearts and minds of our kids, does it?  How do we make it sink in so they know that we are serious about whatever the rule is that we’re trying to have them embrace.

I want you to put your mind into the child who just got her electronics taken away for a week.  Do you know what they are thinking about all week?  Is it how they shouldn’t be playing electronics in their bedroom because it’s not safe or is it how mean a mom you are?  When you put your child into a 5 minute time-out in the corner for hitting their brother what are they thinking?  That they should have used their words instead of their fists when their sibling took away their toy?  Or that you’re mean and they hate their sibling and it wasn’t their fault.  You’re mean!  We see time and again that although the behavior might be stopped temporarily there is no change in the heart of our kids and they have learned to endure the punishments we dole out.

Consequences and why they are different
What I’d like to propose to you is how to use consequences as a way to help our kids learn in their hearts that some things aren’t worth the hassle and they have choices in life as to what good and bad behaviors they want to do.
 
What are Natural Consequences

Sometimes parents luck out and there are what we call “natural consequences” for a behavior that, if we allow them to sink in without yelling and scolding, are a perfect way to accomplish getting into the hearts of our kids.  Let me tell you an example to illustrate.  One mom saw that her 8-year-old had left a new soccer ball outside in the yard.  This ball was a recent birthday present .  When mom mentioned to her son that their dogs might chew up and ruin the ball her son did nothing.  Yep. Nothing.  He just ignored her.  Sure enough, her son came in the house a few hours later upset that their large dogs had popped his ball.  They had to go to the store to buy a new one.  Here’s what she MIGHT have said:  “Oh my gosh, I told you that would happen!  Why didn’t you get it when I told you earlier!  You never take care of your toys.  This makes me so mad you never pay attention to me!  There’s no way I’m going to the store.” Her son would have probably cried and maybe shut up but what did mom accomplish?  I suggest, not much.
 
Instead, however, what this mom really did was she gave him empathy and love, “Oh that is so sad, that was your new ball. What do you think you’re going to do about it?”  Since she was a Love and Logic mom she started following the Problem Solving technique she had learned in class.  Perfect!  He had no idea what to do.  Would he like some ideas about what some kids might do? Sure, he said.  They talked about a few: Buy a new ball with his birthday money?  Nah.  Go use another ball?  Nah, he didn’t feel like playing ball right now anyway.  Well, good luck with that, she said.  Yep, no scolding. No telling him what to do.  She let him know it was a problem and he needed to solve it. She allowed the problem to be his, not hers so as a result she wasn’t the bad guy in the story like she always used to be.  You know what her son decided to do in the end?  Nothing.  Yep. Nothing.  He really didn’t want that ball anyway, he had plenty of other balls but he decided he was going to be more careful about leaving the other ones outside where the dogs might get them.
 
Natural consequences like this can be really powerful if we let them happen and keep our anger and resentment out of the way.  Powerful life lessons are there for the taking! 
 
If our kids spill milk all over the table, we let them clean it up.  If they are young we might need to help them but we allow them to own the problem.  Our natural reaction is to rush in and clean, clean, clean but we rob our kids of the opportunity of learning when we do that.  Yes, there is milk dripping all over the table and floor. Yes, it’s inconvenient but… this has been happening regularly because your daughter hasn’t been careful, she reaches too far and knocks things over. We lovingly say: “Wow, this is soooo sad.  All that milk has spilled.  Can you please clean that up with the towel over by the sink?”  

The real problem isn’t the spilled milk, it’s your daughter not being aware of her surroundings.  With a natural consequence your daughter learns that every time she is careless there might be a mess to clean up and messes take time and they are often yucky and who wants that.  If you let her clean up with love and empathy in your voice the lesson will make it to her heart.  She won’t be thinking how mean you are for making her clean up and then sending her to her room because she was careless.  Instead, we lovingly thank her for cleaning up and then proceed with our dinner. The natural consequence is enough, no need to make it more.
 
In another instance, a 4 year-old boy when he was mad, he would peed on the floor in his room.  Mom would struggle and fight with him to change his clothes and resentfully clean up the mess.  However, she finally saw the natural consequence to his poor decision to pee in his room.  She decided the choice was his to pee so he could clean it up and change himself.  No struggles needed.  The next time it happened she lovingly gave him some towels and told him he could come out of his room as soon as he cleaned it up and changed.  She left him there.  She was calm.  About 15 minutes later a new boy with a completely different attitude and sense of independence came out of that room where so many battles had previously occurred.  She let him own it.  She wasn’t the bad guy.  She offered love and empathy. 
 
One of my sons got his license when he turned 16.  He was driving one day through a yellow light that was turning red at a popular intersection.  He heard sirens and was being pulled over.  Oh my, his heart was beating so fast.  He didn’t want to talk to a cop!  The police officer gave him a citation for running a red light.  He came home and told me about it right away.  I just took it in calmly, telling myself that I didn’t get a ticket, he did. 

He complained a bit that the light was yellow but he knew it was a pretty weak argument.  This was a perfect natural consequence that had months of ramifications.  Even I learned a few things in the process.  Did you know that running a red light is a moving violation in a different category than a speeding ticket?  And those are really expensive?  And they don’t tell you how expensive until you get a letter in the mail which takes about a month?  My son had a month to wait to figure out the first part of his natural consequence.  It was a $600 fine.  Ouch.  That was going to really drain his savings account, wasn’t it?  It was his ticket, not mine.  I pay for my tickets, my kids pay for theirs. 

Next, traffic school.  He got to learn how to sign up.  Then he had to pay for that too.  Something like another $60.  Then he had to finish the class within 60 days.  That was the tough part for me.  I was biting my tongue trying to not remind him to do anything.  If he didn’t finish on time he’d get another lesson about not finishing things that were important, right?  I know he’d survive whatever it was that they would throw at him.  Luckily, however, he actually wound up finishing on time.  Whew!  

You know what, after all that not only did HE become a safer driver but so did his younger brother who was sitting in the seat next to him at the time.  Haha!  I got a two-fer!  Both boys with one lesson.  Yeah!  No battles. No yelling but lots of love and acceptance that all of us make mistakes and with love we can learn how to get through them.  How many of us know a parent who would have paid the ticket, signed up their kid for traffic school and pay for that too then sit next to their kid to make sure they did the online class, nagging them the whole time? 
 
Use Natural Consequences early and often in the lives of your children.  The love and lessons will do well in building up a long term relationship of trust and respect between you and your child. 
 
What do to when there are no Natural Consequences
Now, for the tough one.  What if there is no natural consequence to a behavior?  Or your child refuses to take responsibility for a behavior?  Or your child just keeps doing the same thing over and over not matter what you throw at them?  This is a major problem and so common in just about every household even if you can keep your calm and use love and empathy which in itself is a challenge. 

Hit your sister
Play longer on electronics than is allowed
Get on a bike without a helmet
Scream at your parents
Download an app that you’re not supposed to have
Get caught vaping
Break curfew
 
All of these behaviors are clearly problems and we can certainly take away privileges but that just doesn’t seem to work. Our kids don’t learn in their hearts anything except we’re mean, we’re trying to control them, that we have stupid rules.  Younger kids who lose their toys or bike for a few days, they complain and whine but they survive it and live to disobey another day.  They might even be thinking subconsciously something like: “That punishment wasn’t so bad and, hey, sometimes mom or dad doesn’t even notice or I’ve worn them down so much they are exhausted battling me so I really only get punished every so once in a while. I can live with that.”
 
Do you know what a teen who gets their phone taken away for two weeks is thinking most about during those two weeks?  Yep, you.  Every day, day after day, what a mean and nasty parent you are, who doesn’t understand them.

One dad took away his teen’s phone after he broke the curfew that was set.  Dad took it away for a week.  His son was a basketball player and it turned out that his coach and teammates always sent texts to each other about practices and such.  Well, his son missed several important practices and meetings.  Do you know who he blamed?  Yep, dad!  Now this whole situation was really tricky because the real issue that started all this was about a curfew but the battle was being fought over the phone. Oh my gosh, what a conundrum! The son was so mad at dad that he didn’t even try to figure out another way with his friends to get notified of his commitments. 
 
So, what do we do?  We have to attack these problems on two fronts. 

​One, we can’t let the problems just pass if we decide that something like riding a bike with a helmet is a MUST then every time your kid gets on a bike without one you need to take the time to recognize it and deal with it.  You start with empathy and love. “Oh my, this is sooooo sad.  In our house we only ride bikes when we have helmets.  Please get off your bike and put it away.  We’ll deal with this later.”  Your child most likely won’t be that thrilled to be getting off their bike and their brain might be emotionally activated.  You need to not engage with them when they’re brain isn’t working right.  That’s where the delaying the consequence comes in.  If your child does have a tantrum please listen to my podcast #6 on Handling Tantrums if you need some help there. The key here is keeping calm.  No yelling and getting dragged into a battle. 
 
Next, once you’ve waited for the emotion to pass you need to meet up with that child to have them help put peace and harmony back into your life.  Your energy was just drained, wasn’t it?  Having to deal with disobedience really gets us and the amount of frustration and the time taken away from us doing other, more productive things with our time is the problem your child needs to solve.  Traditionally, we punish then let our kids off the hook as if their behavior only impacted them.  That’s where we need to tighten up this process.  Their behavior affected many people but for sure us!  For those of you who’ve come to Love and Logic parenting classes, this is called Energy Drain. They have some awesome resources for this which I’ll refer to in the show notes.   I want to tell you a story of a parent who learned this technique and how powerful it can be. 
 
Here’s what the mom wrote me: 
==========================
I picked up my kids from school at 12:30 after our class yesterday. My 9-year-old son was not in a good mood and I knew from experience of every early dismissal day that he was very hungry. He was not in a good mood to be nice to me or his sister. By the time we got home, they got into a fight over the leftover food in the fridge and my son started yelling at his sister and left the kitchen in anger. On his way to his room he bumped into me to show his frustration. I gave it a couple of minutes until he came back and I said to both my kids very softly: oh, you know what......this is such an energy drain for me. Yelling, screaming and disrespectful treatment get so much of my energy that I may not have enough left for helping you with your things or driving you around this afternoon.....unless we find a way to put some positive energy back in mommy.

My son did not take me seriously, but my daughter knew I was. Very quickly, she managed to divide up the leftover food for both of them and called her brother for lunch and went out of her way to make everything right. I thought to myself: One, check...one more to go!

Half an hour later, when my son asked me about his baseball practice time. He realized that I was serious about not taking him. Then, he started crying, guilting me that no mom would do that, etc...I just told him, I know.... A few "I know"s later, he calmed and realized that his tactic was not going to work. He asked how can he possibly fix the energy drain. I said I can give him some ideas. Of course, any of my suggestions were too much for him followed by another guilt trip from him and "I know"s from me.....

Eventually, I left the room to do something and when I came back 15 minutes later, I found him folding laundry. I was about to fall on the floor......I thanked him and told him that was very helpful. He was not happy, but was doing the work. It was funny that he said: "You are making me work for you" and "I thought people are not allowed to have slaves any more". I told him very gently that I wish I had unlimited energy, but the reality is I don't. You being helpful gives me energy to help you later.

It was interesting that our conversation eventually changed direction and he suggested that I go lay down in bed to gain energy faster while he did the laundry.

I was amazed to see that not only did he end up doing the work and but was actually showing concern for me.
 
This mom had only just learned about Energy Drains and she pulled it off to perfection.  She was calm and loving and firm at the same time.  She let her kids know that their decision to have bad behavior caused problems in ways that impacted her and that impact was important to make right.  She used the leverage of her kids’ needing her time later to get them to comply.  For you it might be that you don’t have energy to read books at bedtime or to make dinner.  If we train our kids to look at how they impact others around them, they will be forced to see others and this creates empathy.  Many parents wonder if their kids have empathy for others since they seem so self-centered.  It’s using things like Energy Drain that will grow their hearts and have long term effects on their character. 
 
In order to help parents come up with ideas about what types of chores or services can be used to get our kids to put energy back in us I will put a link in my podcast notes to a list of Energy Drain Ideas on my website.  The list applies to families with kids of all ages, you  just pick the ones that are appropriate for the ages of your children.  A 3-year-old can vacuum and put lotion on your hands to help you out while a teenager might scrub those outside garbage bins or paint a fence.  My teenage son once had to clean the gutters I was so drained.  Whatever you pick it should be something that isn’t their normal job. 
 
I hope you’ve enjoyed learning about how using consequences instead of punishments might make your daily challenges with your kids go a bit easier.  I encourage you to use natural consequences whenever possible but remember that using energy drains when things are going badly are a way of training our kids that what they do impacts others around them in ways they need to make right again.  All this will help you change their hearts for a lifetime. 



THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:     LISTEN
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PODCAST Episode 9: Sibling Rivalry

4/4/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:     LISTEN

​Each week during the corona virus shelter-in-place I’ve been trying to cover topics that might be driving most families crazy.  Recently tantrums and night time battles were my focus but after chatting with a few families this week I changed my plans and decided sibling rivalry is a hot button especially as the weeks of shelter in place go on longer and longer.

I’m going to talk about what good might come from sibling rivalry but then some techniques like not taking sides, separating our kids, teaching them communication skills, and how setting aside Special Time can often make a big difference for a family with sibling issues.

With that said, let’s   dive in.

WHY? Emotion Behind Sibling Rivalry
I’m not sure what I really need to say about sibling rivalry.  It exists.  It’s existed since the beginning of time.  Why wasn’t there a manual given to us before we brought that second child home from the hospital? It’s bound to happen so we should prepare ourselves, right?  As silly as it sounds, no one really is prepared for how challenging sibling rivalry can be. 

We need to recognize that kids want attention, power and control.  If those things are disturbed then often times sibling rivalry can arise more frequently then we’d like.
  
Attention: As we all know, kids crave attention of any sort.  When their cravings aren’t met, they can often look elsewhere to generate more attention, often not good attention.  When a younger child arrives on the scene who is cute, adorable and needy (they need help eating or dressing or diapers changed, etc) the older kids try to be good and helpful but no one notices them. However, if they whack their little brother on the head then someone finally notices them.  Not what we’d like but it certainly draws our attention, doesn’t it?

Power and Control: On the other hand, if younger kids feel powerless and at the mercy of older siblings they try to fight back but explode with frustration over their inability to control what they want to happen.  These kids are learning how to get what they want but they don’t have the right skills yet so they use what they have which is to yell, hit, throw, wreck their siblings work or toys, whatever they can. 

It’s all a bit crazy but how we interact with our kids and their siblings during these developmental years will actually impact them in the future.  There seem to be four  types of sibling behaviors in my mind that I categorize by giving names: wimps, bullies, whiners and negotiators. 


  • Wimps: In an altercation, some kids cave every time, instead of learning how to stand up for themselves they just give in, it’s easier.  It just doesn’t seem fair that the other sibling always gets their way just because this child gives in.  We parents are worried that we have a wimp in development and we really want to change that. 
  • Bullies: This is usually an older, bigger sibling who can rule by their brawn and their brains since they’re more able than younger siblings.   These are the kids who take things away from the wimpier siblings with no regrets.  This can activate feelings of injustice in us parents as we see this child taking advantage of the weaker sibling at every turn.  We wonder if empathy, kindness and fairness are even entering that kid’s head.
  • Whiners: They cry about everything and anything.  Helicopter parents play into this big time by siding with the kid who whines the most or the loudest just based on volume we feel a major injustice MUST have happened.
  • Negotiators: Some kids learn that if they use their words, they can negotiate what they want.  These kids see they aren’t powerless even though they might not win every battle.  Their self-esteem can be enhanced instead of diminished if the right type of support is in their lives to help grow their negotiation skills.
You probably can see your children in one of these sibling types so now let’s get down to the nitty-gritty about what to do when siblings fight regardless of which type of sibling they are.

I have three rules in mind:

Rule #1 - Don’t get involved, don’t take sides, don’t blame
If your kids are fighting, try stay out of it unless there is bodily harm being done.  Let them fight and figure out what’s going to happen. If they come running to you, send them away.  Try really hard not to listen to their sob stories and don’t take sides.  Most of the time there are two sides to every story and parents don’t always get to see and hear both so just focus on it was a choice for them to fight and isn’t draining you to hear them fight.  Keep calm and encourage them to work it out.  Remember that, KEEP CALM and use empathy!  Don’t engage.  No yelling, no telling.   Yelling gets us nowhere. Try something like:

            Oh wow, I can tell this is a problem for the two of you.  I’m sure you can figure something out. This is really draining my energy hearing you fight. 

Rule #2 - Separate, if necessary
Sometimes the solution is that no one wins.  If they can’t figure things out then it’s ok to step in and take whatever it is away from everyone using EMPATHY and LOVE.

            Oh, this is so sad.  It looks like you two can’t work this out and it’s really wearing mommy down.  I’ll go ahead and put the blocks away for now.  You’re welcome to play with two different things but do it in two different locations.  If you can’t figure out what and where then just go head to your rooms for a while.

Rule #3 – Brainstorm to teach communication and negotiation skills when kids are calm
During the heat of the moment really isn’t the time to solve the larger and longer-term issue of sharing and getting along.  Yes, you can take a toy out of the equation but when things really calm down and there’s no active fight-or-flight brain going on you need to sit your kids down and talk about how to improve communication for next time they have issues.  You’re going to do brainstorming to help your kids learn to set expectations and negotiate.  The brainstorming will happen hours or even days later, it wouldn’t be within minutes of an altercation. 

What would brainstorming look like?  Here are some ideas of what to cover:
  • Calming ideas: I’d recommend you ask them to think about ideas of how to stay calm when they notice they are getting upset -- take deep breaths, count to 10, walk away or other meditation techniques.  Write them down.  Put them on a sign.  Practice them every morning or at the dinner table so they know what it feels like.
  • “I Feel” Statements: have them express their feelings to each other using “I feel” statements
    • I feel like Ken always gets to use the truck and I never do
    • I feel mad when Sara wrecks my Lego tower, I’ve taken so long to build
    • I feel mad when Jessie takes crayons and writes all over my artwork I was making
    • I feel sad when Alan took the last cookie and there wasn’t any for me
  • Taking Turns: Often times kids want to use the same toy or device at the same time.  Encourage the concept of “taking turns” and help them establish mechanisms for keeping track.  For example:
    • Both my boys always wanted to press the buttons when we went into an elevator.  It was driving me crazy that they’d rush in and try to be the first to push a button and wind up in a battle or someone crying that they didn’t get to do it.   So we set a sharing rule that one boy was always the “UP” pusher and the other was the “DOWN” pusher.  It was magic! At least with two kids…
    • In your house, you can set up posters or a magnet on the fridge or an app on your phone to help them keep track of whose turn it is next.  I’d prefer it not be electronic but you can decide as a family ways to keep track of “turns”. It might be that your kids fight or fuss over who reads to them at night.  Come up with a way that you rotate on a schedule – odd days for one kid and even days for the other.  If you have more than two then set up a calendar if you have to and have them check off the days as you go to bed each night.  Be creative but show them that they can share best when they communicate that sharing is needed. 

  • It’s OK not to Share: Feel free to encourage your kids set boundaries to protect items they cherish and how to let others know in a kind manner to respect boundaries.   
    • Little sister, these are my Legos and I’m putting them in my special box. Please don’t touch them unless I say so.
    •  Brainstorm with your children about how to put away toys so they aren’t tempting to others who shouldn’t be touching them
    • You also have to define consequences if boundaries aren’t respected.
      • Oh, this is so sad, Jenny, you knocked down brother’s tower so I guess you won’t be able to play near him today.  You can play in your room instead. 

Energy Drain
What I’ve talked about so far is all about the kids but I want to talk about you.  Yes, how draining it is for you as a parent to hear all this fighting and fussing day after day.  One of the most useful tools I think of in dealing with siblings is Love and Logic’s Energy Drain concept.  They have a great audio available on Energy Drain as well as another on Sibling Rivalry that I’ll put links to in the podcast notes.  They explain that when kids are fighting it zaps us and they need to put energy back into us or we don’t have energy to read them books, cook them dinner, drive them to a friend’s house or take them to school.  It’s really amazing how effective it is so please look it up. 

I also have a list of Energy Drain ideas on my website if you need help thinking of a chore or act of service for your kids to do to put energy back in you like washing windows, sweeping the back porch or putting hand lotion on your hands.  I’ll put that link in the notes as well.

This concept can be so heartwarming when you take the time to do it.  One mom has sent me a a video of her kids washing the patio furniture with brushes and soap when they drained mommy’s energy by fighting. 
 
Set up special time regularly
Lastly, I want to talk about what to do when your kids just seem to be at each other day after day and you can’t seem to break out of the pattern.  Lack of attention is often the culprit but it could be that one child is just bored or unsatisfied in some other way with friendships or school and torturing their sibling gives them something to do. 

We need to figure out ways to set up what I call Special Time that I’ve talked about in a few different podcast episodes.  In this case, I’d suggest 10-15 minutes of one-on-one time per kid, per day or at the very least per week, so that each kid has some sort of one-on-one connection with their parents to nourish that feeling of unconditional love and acceptance. During that time you allow your child to decide what they want to do with you.  Let them know there’s a time limit and set a timer. 

One mom I know at my church who was having some trouble, decided to set up Special Time right after school with each of her elementary boys.  They rotate 15 minutes at a time and know that when it’s not their turn they are to play quietly.  They LOVE this Special Time and it’s working wonders for peace, calm and connectedness in their home.

            Another family was having a problem with their 6-year-old son, Ben, being mean and fighting with his little 4-year-old brother, Joe, all the time.  They had a newborn as well so it was a busy household. Ben always seemed to be picking on Joe and always seemed to in a bad mood.  After brainstorming with the parents we decided the issue might be that he was feeling disconnected what with an adorable baby girl and mom and dad being so busy taking care of everything and he needed some Special Time. 

With 3 kids it was hard to set aside time but the couple decided that as soon as dad came home from work he would play chess with his son for 15 minutes or so before dinner.  Two weeks later they reported back to me the amazing difference in their son’s attitude and behavior.  He was a new child!  Wow!  In setting aside this time they dealt a decisive blow to their son’s attitude and sibling rivalry at the same time.  Ben was playing much better with Joe and even on his own. 

 was so proud of the parents doing that extra work and it really hit home for me that I need to encourage Special Time to be set up in every home for so many reasons that feed into our kids need for love and acceptance.  In our hurry-hurry world we sometimes need to slow down, don’t we?  It’s hard to make the time but it can really pay off big time especially when you have misbehaviors cropping up all the time. 
​ 
Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed this podcast.  Taking time to train our kids to communicate with each other is so key to siblings getting along.  Keep in mind the three rules – stay out of it as long as possible, separate them if necessary, and brainstorm ideas when things are calm. 
 
Don’t forget to take care of yourself by using the Love and Logic’s Energy Drain concept.  Please remember that you never have to figure out whose fault a fight is, just that hearing all that yelling is draining you and they need to do some work to put your energy back. 
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PODCAST Episode 8: Night Time Battles - Teen Edition

3/28/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:     LISTEN

Today we’re going to talk about how to handle sleep for our tweens and teens and why sleep seems to be so difficult for them biologically and socially.  I want to give you some ideas about how to react and manage both your expectations and theirs regarding this really essential part of their growing years. With the stresses in our environment today the impact of sleep on our mental health and immune system is super important for us to pay attention to so I hope these ideas will smooth out a few issues in your home. With that said, let’s dive in.

Teens and Tweens
When our kids reach high school but sometimes as early as middle school, we start fighting with them when to go to bed and they just don’t want to.  They’re big now, they have voices and talk back.  They can disrespect us and ignore us.  They think they know better.   We’re often not the most trusted person in their lives even though some of us are lucky to still have close relationships at these ages. 
There are a few complications that we need to be aware of:

Biological Differences
The first is biological.   The teen body clock changes in puberty so that it no longer matches the one that we have as adults or the one they had as littler kids.  Scientists don’t understand why but it’s certainly been proven to exist.  Their circadian rhythm is shifted later by up to TWO hours.  That’s way different and a big stressor to us all because although parents can feel an emotional difference at this stage many of us are clueless that there are also biological issues going against us too.  Right now you might have heard of the push for later high school start times which is where this is coming from.  If their bodies get to sleep later we can assume that they’d need to wake up later so shifting the start time could be really helpful from a biological standpoint. 

Academic Pressures
We’ve heard said that kids in middle and high school need 9-10 hours a sleep a night and many aren’t getting anywhere close to that which stresses us parents out.  Why aren’t they getting enough sleep?

For some who are in high academic environments it can be loads of homework and in addition extracurricular activities being piled on top so that our kids can be competitive when they apply to colleges. The stress of this college push starts earlier and earlier these days, for many by middle school but certainly by freshman year of high school.  Kids putting extra classes or harder classes on their schedules often with huge homework and test requirements.  AP classes are great to see on college apps. Everyone seems to think the more the better?  Right? 

​In my opinion, not right.  I think it’s great to offer challenging classes to students who are interested but to push our kids or to let them push themselves for the sake of a grade bump for AP classes they’re not even interested in just doesn’t make any sense.  If you have a Math kid, AP Calc makes sense but not AP Lit or AP Spanish. If you a literary kid then AP English makes total sense but not AP Physics.  All this extra pressure for areas of non-interest is robbing our kids of sleep as they try to keep up.  Take the pressure off and encourage your kids to focus on things that they’re interested in instead of filling in their college resumes.  Colleges are also finally figuring this out and are looking for kids who have a focus instead of the rob-o kids who do everything well.  They know it’s just not natural.

That said,  I really feel that grades and college performance pressures are robbing our kids of sleep since they have way too much homework and have to stay up all hours to complete it. 

Bed Times for Tweens
I do want to move on to give you some actual ideas about what you can do today concerning bedtimes and sleep.

First, Middle schoolers – I think it’s just fine having bedtimes but  keep in mind their changing biological clocks.  As they were growing through elementary school you should have been pushing back their bedtime each year by about 15 minutes or so.  By the time they’re in middle school a bedtime of 9:30 or 10 isn’t unreasonable in my opinion.  If your child loves at 9pm bedtime, go for it. 

Bed Times for Teens
Next, High schoolers – I firmly believe that high schoolers should be setting their own bedtime.  A bit scary for some of us but we only have four short years at most to love them though the learning process of what it means to manage their sleep.  We need to not helicopter them but let them lovingly fail and encourage them when that happens.  This includes making sure we’re not the ones waking them up, they need their own alarm clock and you give them love and empathy in the morning if they over sleep.  Make sure they know that it’s their job to own when they go to sleep and when they wake up.  

If they wake up grumpy because they were up late you can say something sweet and loving like: “Oh dear… you seem to be really tired.  So sorry.  It is really tough to go through the day when I’m tired.  I bet you’ll figure things out.  If you need some help with some ideas about what some kids might do, you just let me know.  I’m happy to brainstorm with you after school if you want.”   If they grumble back at you, ignore it and go on happily with your day.  Don’t push.  Let them know that you love them and look forward to seeing them later. Try to make it sound real even.    If they really are grumpy then I’d also encourage you to listen to podcast #2 that deals with teens, emotions and how to handle them.

​Another area we need to consider is to make sure electronics are kept in the right places and are not night time/bed time distractions. I’m going to do a separate podcast on electronics but know that my number one rule is for parents to, if at all possible, keep all electronics out of bedrooms and private places.  If your teen already has all their electronics in their room you might have lost this battle  but for some of you it’s possible you might have a window to talk to your teen about how their phone or laptop is robbing them of sleep that they so desperately need. 

If you can, have brainstorming sessions  where you discuss their sleep and how tired they seem to be.  This is a bit tricky since we need to make sure we don’t lecture them but ask open ended questions.  “Gosh, I noticed you had to stay up really late finishing your paper.  It seems tough to plan your work, what classes are most challenging?”  If your high schooler is touchy about all this, I would recommend setting up what I call Special Time and even going to a Special Place like a favorite sit-down restaurant  so you can have their undivided attention.  Sometimes with grumpy teens they behave better and have more conversation with you if you’re in public and they need to be polite. 

One mom invested in some unlimited sushi to get her teen boy to have a serious discussion on this topic.  Your budget might not allow that but be creative… teens around here seem to love Boba.. go for it if you think it will help.  But,  a nice couch in your home can work just as well if you can get them to sit with you.  It should be just one parent, by the way, so your teen doesn’t feel like you’re ganging up on them. 

Wake Up Times

One thing that lots of parents are frustrated with is they see their child staying up late playing games or YouTubing and then they want to sleep until 11, 12 or 1pm on the weekend.  With our COVID-19 situation going on right now it’s getting worse for some families since there is no official “wake up” time or even weekend, it’s all a weekend!  Their kids are turning into night owls.  Ugh.  What a drag.  I think that it’s smart  not battle with our kids about when to go to sleep, however it’s totally appropriate to negotiate with our teens about when to wake up.  If we keep quiet about when to go to sleep they need to commit to getting up by a certain time.  If you’d like them to wake up at 9am and the want to wake up at noon then both of you have to give and come up with something you both think is reasonable. 

When my boys were teens I think we had a 10am or 11am agreement going on for weekends.  It wasn’t formal but it was pretty much our normal.  One family of a sophomore I interviewed agreed that getting up by 10am even with COVID-19 going on was ok.  They aren’t bugging him about when to go to bed and he agreed he’d get up at 10 and wouldn’t be grumpy all day at the family if he’d gone to bed really, really late. It’s working really well for them.  I do agree that not wasting time fighting about when they go to bed is the way to go.  Negotiate mornings with empathy and love.  You can use Love and Logic’s Energy Drain for ideas for consequences if your teens don’t own up to the negotiated agreement.  Take a look at my website or email me for more information on that topic.

I do have to admit that having a good relationship with your child at this stage in their life is more important than their sleep.  If you can talk to your kids and have fun with them and go places with them there will be opportunities to “notice” things like “I noticed you’re tired all the time” or “I noticed you’re really grumpy at everyone when you’ve stayed up late.” If they aren’t put under a microscope and criticized all the time they’re more willing to chat with us.  That’s sort of what the Special Place is in my example above.  If they love sushi or hiking or bowling then do that with them and see if a conversation about sleep can follow but be there, be present and be loving no matter what is happening.  If anyone is yelling or nagging then you’re shutting doors to your teen’s life.  Keep them open!  If we love them through this difficult time and not have battles with them they will eventually own their own sleep.  You giving them love and empathy through all this will let them know they aren’t alone and you will love them through them being tired and even grumpy. 
 
Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed this podcast!  Teens and sleep are a challenge.  Letting them own their sleep is hard for us but essential for helping to raise a responsible adult who has figured out how to manage their schedule and can show up to work on time being respectful of other people and the commitments they make to others.
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PODCAST Episode 7 - Night Time Battles: Toddler to Elementary

3/27/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:  LISTEN

I’ve been thinking a lot about sleep lately and how important it is to get a lot of it and good quality with this current crisis going on.  It’s good for our mental health as well as our immune systems.  Well,  I’m an empty-nester and not getting enough sleep so you parents of younger ones might be getting even less than I am so I’m dedicating this to all of you so that maybe a few of these ideas can get you and your family a few more minutes of sleep or at least set a calmer tone in your house at bed time.

This podcast is for parents of toddlers through elementary school,  I have a separate podcast on dealing with issues of sleep and teens so please head there if you have older kids.  In this podcast we’ll go through some ideas for moving toward bed, getting ready for bed, turning out the lights and finally ideas for those of you who have kids who wake up at night. With that said, let’s get started.

Heading toward bed – the transition
For many kids it’s really hard to transition from playful family time to the lonely and boring time of bedtime and night time.  Kids might be hyped up playing and rough housing or they might be involved in a really interesting show or project that will take way longer than our bedtime goals allow.  Transitions are really hard for many kids so we need to make the transitions as painless and battle free as possible.  To do this there are two things we have at our disposal which will prevent many battles before they start – choices and boundaries.  

Most of the time choices are really effective since kids just really want some control over their lives.  We’re so used to bossing them around it makes some of them decide to say “no” no matter how reasonable we are.  If we say “It’s bedtime.” They’re almost programmed to resist.  Offering choices before you hear “no” is SUPER important. You have to use choices early, if you have resistance you’ve lost your battle so make your choices effective and as fun as possible.

So you’re going to use choices like this:
  • Would you like to go to bed at 8 or 8:15? (knowing full well we want them to go to bed at 8:15!)
  • Would you like to set the bedroom timer or me? (I love using timers especially for kids who can’t tell time yet on their own)
  • Would you like to set the bedroom timer for 5 minutes or 15 minutes? (knowing you’re fine with 15 minutes)
If you give choices as to when to head to bed you use them again with HOW to get there.  Try using something like “Wow, it’s time to head to bed!  Would you like to …
…crawl on your tummy to bed or walk backwards?
… or Would you like to go blindfolded or have me carry you upside down? 
… or Would you like to hop on one foot or skip to bed?
Fun is super helpful!  Being creative and offering different choices every night is also super helpful. 

Getting ready for bed – give them choices
Once we get them in the vicinity of their bedroom and the bathroom area to get ready we use   
  • Would you like to brush your teeth first or put your pjs on first?
  • Brush your top teeth first or your bottom teeth?
  • Would you like to take a bubble bath or a lights out bath with a candle?
  • Would you like to dry off with a big towel or lots of little wash cloths?
  • Would you like mint toothpaste or cinnamon toothpaste? 
  • Electric or hand brushing?
  • Pajama top on first or pajama bottom?
  • Would you like to sleep with your school clothes on or your pajamas?
 
The idea is that you constantly throw new choices at them so that they don’t have time to think that one of the choices is “No!”.  Being creative with choices is key!

Set boundaries
Another skill that is super useful at bedtime is setting boundaries so that your kids know ahead of time what to expect and they’re things that you can stick to.  If your kids can have input as to what they are, especially as they get into older grades in elementary school, the more effective these will be.  For any boundary to be effective there has to be a consequence if you don’t get the result you are looking for. 

What am I talking about?  A useful boundary for most families is setting which time kids are ready for bed. Let’s say that a family starts heading to bed at 7:15 and want lights out by 8:15.  They need a bath, teeth brushing, getting pajamas on and reading books in that one hour of time.  I’d suggest setting a boundary like: “I read books to kids who are ready by 8:00. “  It’s a simple statement that tells your kids that as long as they are ready they can have books for 15 minutes.  This also means that you as a parent have to be willing to have a child having a tantrum at 8:05pm who wasn’t ready on time and will not be getting books tonight.  You need to be ready to have this happen and to give love and empathy.  “Wow, this is sooooo sad.  I love reading books.  I’m sad too.  I can’t wait till tomorrow night.”  You can give them hugs but you cannot read to them. You have to hold your ground especially when you know your child’s currency is book time.  You have to realize that your child had a choice and they chose to not have book time,  it wasn’t you. 

But, Mary, you might say, my child can’t tell time yet.  What do I do?  Use timers again!  Lots of timers if you need to.  Cheap ones from Target or Amazon work great.   Have your little one learn how to set them and get them maybe even to try “Beat the Clock” type contests.  Set one timer for 30 minutes, another for 15, another for 5 and the last one for 2.  Put them in different places to make it fun if you want but MAKE SURE they know there’s a limit and that they get to choose if they get books or not, it’s not up to you.  You give LOVE and EMPATHY if they blow it.  Some of you might want to try this on a weekend night if you’ve got to work on weekdays but you need to start and keep pulling it off for a few days for some kids to believe that your word is true, that there are no books if they’re not ready. 

Lights Out
By the time bedtime comes around most of us have our eyes on the goal – some downtime without kids!  Maybe a glass of wine with our spouse or to watch a show that’s not rated G.  We say a prayer: “Please Lord, let them fall asleep quickly so I can have some ME TIME.”  However, many of us find our ME TIME cut short by kids not wanting to fall asleep.  Some of us fall asleep with them (that’s what would happen to my husband and I), some of us sit close by outside the bedroom door feeling chained there until we can peek in and see that our kid is finally, finally asleep then we tip toe away as quietly as possible hoping we don’t wake them up.  Is that you?   What can we do to get them to sleep? 

If you have a child who really, really won’t go to sleep without controlling where you are then during daytime you need to spend Special Time with them to brainstorm what they need at bedtime so that they stay in bed.  Special Time is where one parent schedules some time with just them and the child, no siblings or distractions, just the two of you. 

During this time you think about ideas for what they need at bedtime since your new boundary is that once books are done mom and dad are done too.  You will let them know that they are welcome to have bedroom time for as long as they want but they must be quiet and stay in their room.  You really can’t force your child to sleep on command but you can allow them to be quiet and in their room and allow them to be in control of their environment.  During the Special Time I’d offer more creative choices than I might have offered in the past:
  • Would you like to sleep in your bed or on the floor?
  • Would you like to sleep in your sleeping bag or with a different blanket?
  • Would you like to be buried by a pile of stuffed animals so that I can’t see you?
  • Would you like the light on or off?

The idea is that your child chooses all these things that really don’t matter since what matters to you is that you get your ME TIME and they are quiet and in their room.

If your child won’t stay in their room and you have to constantly put them back or they have tantrums then you need to deal with those then I’d highly recommend that you go and listen to my 5th podcast which tells you what to do with tantrums. 

In brief though, for some kids you might wind up going ahead and cuddling them and falling asleep that night but then the next day you’re going to have them restore all that sleep and free time you lost in dealing with them by doing a few chores around the house.  Yes, even if they are only 3 or 4 you do this.  They need to know that their choice to take away your free time has a cost.  You love them and will help them get to sleep but you need to let them know you need their help to restore that time lost. You do it lovingly and with empathy. 

In the morning you’ll say something like: “Wow, that sure was a late night last night.  I’m so sorry you had trouble getting to sleep and that mommy didn’t have time to finish what I had planned.  It would be great if you helped out today by vacuuming the living room and sweeping the porch.”  I would also take a bit of time to brainstorm again to see what adjustments need to be made when you head to bed again that night.  Checking in with your child and making adjustments is really helpful.  They need to know that problems often take time and many adjustments to solve and that you’ll love them and work with them as long as it takes to solve this one.
 
Difficult Night Time Issues
In working with parents over the years I have offered this advice and for many it works wonders.  The choices and boundaries and knowing your child’s nighttime currency is super helpful.  However, there are a few situations I’d like to offer further advice. 

Kids waking in the middle of the night with siblings in the room that might wake up
One family I worked with has a small house and 3 kids, two who slept in the same room.  Their 4-year-old would wake up every night and scream so dad had to get him to calm down or his son would wake up the whole house and the new baby.  Oh my… definitely a problem.  We decided that getting his child to calm down during the night was really imperative so he’d need to use the Special Time solution to brainstorm ideas about what they could do to remedy the situation.  He would also need to work with his son to give him some jobs to help repair the sleep that dad had lost by getting woken up at night. 

As we mentioned before, this will be with love and empathy, the chores given won’t be a punishment for his behavior that he can’t control yet, just a recognition that he caused distress to someone else and has to help even the waters a bit during awake time. Another dad of a 4-year-old used Special Time to brainstorm with his son what books and stuffed animals he needed at bedtime but he also let his son know that he was too tired to play basketball with him when he’s woken up at night since he’d lost so much sleep.  It took about a week for the two of them to brainstorm enough to figure out their nighttime solution.  It was awesome to hear!  Go dads!
 
Kids wanting to climb into your bed in the middle of the night
Some of you might fall into the category that I did.  My son went to sleep ok but he’d wake up every night and didn’t wake anyone else up but me.  He’d come quietly to my side of the bed and want to climb in and sleep with us.  He was so cute at first so of course I’d let him sleep with us.  Sometimes, once he got back to sleep my husband or I would carry him back to his room but sometimes he was there the rest of the night.  Ugh… I was so tired and not getting good sleep with a little one kicking and turning and taking space I enjoyed in our bed.

  So, what I wound up doing is setting up a little bed next to ours that was just one of those tiny futons and put a crib sheet, a blanket and pillow on it.  My son got to choose what else he’d like on the little bed but it was small and fairly out of the way so I could still get in my bed.  Then, I let him know if he woke up in the middle of the night he was welcome to sleep there and that sleeping with mommy and daddy was not an option.  He was happy with that solution so for about a year from maybe 4 to 5 he slept probably ½ the nights on that little bed. 

​I was talking to another family and they actually have a small teepee set up in their room that they actually let their daughter whose about 6 just go ahead and sleep in all night.  Another family put a sleeping bag outside their master bedroom door for their daughter to sleep in if she awoke at night.  If you don’t mind and have the space, go for it.  It really won’t be happening when they’re teens, believe me.  Bottomline, if your child is waking you and you’re losing sleep feel free to be creative but don’t feel like you have to let them sleep with you.  Sometimes just being near you will be just fine. 
 
Early Morning Wake Ups
The last topic is what to do with kids who wake up earlier than mom or dad.  Actually, I’m going to tackle that topic hopefully in next one of my next podcasts but to give you a hint if you have this issue, use Special Time to brainstorm some ideas with your kid.  If your kids are really little go online and look for one of those kiddie wake-up clocks that go from red to green to signal when they can get out of bed.  More later though but feel free to email me if you need help right now.
 
Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed this podcast!  Getting kids to bed is a lot of work some nights but I hope you can use fun choices and set some good boundaries for getting to bed and getting ready for bed.  I pray for all of you to have a bit more sleep especially when some of us our not sleeping well right now for other reasons.   
 
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PODCAST Episode 4 - Fun with Food: Toddler to Elementary Edition

3/13/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:    ​LISTEN

Today we’re going to talk about ideas that will move meal times from battles to enjoyable dining.  First, I’m going to talk about how to get kids to sit and eat – a huge problem for many families.  Then we’ll talk about getting your kids to eat different types of food – the next most challenging food topic for parents of little ones. This podcast will concentrate on parents with kids from toddler to elementary school age.  I have a special “teen edition” of food issues that I’m putting up as my next podcast so stay tuned for that if you’ve got older kids.  

With that said, let’s dive in and let’s learn some more practical parenting wisdom relating to food. 

First, how to get kids to sit and eat.  For some of you, the dinner table is a jumping box – kids getting up and down at will having no particular interest in eating, they’d rather be playing.  You might start your meal together but within minutes your kids are out of their seats.  You’re either yelling at them to come back to the table or running after them with food.  For others of you, to get peace at your dinner table you set your kids up on some sort of electronic device.  Your table is quiet and kids stay seated but your kids eat so slowly you wind up feeding them by hand.  If you try to remove the electronics, your kids have meltdowns.  Oh my… no fun at all!

I love to pose the question as to why we parents do this to ourselves?  Is it nutrition?  Are we worried about weight issues?  Or is it a balanced diet?  You know your kids likes carbs but they just aren’t interested in those vegetables, right?  Or maybe it’s different?  Love veggies but not protein.  We want them to be healthy and we feel food is so important that we will put up with just about any behavior for them to be fed nutritious meals, right?  It’s exhausting!

Family Mealtime Rules

So, we need to make a plan.  To change this dynamic we have to set what I call Family Mealtime Rules.  We need to put boundaries and expectations in place so that our whole family knows what to expect.  Here’s the list of four essential rules to getting your family mealtimes into line:
  1. We eat at the table
  2. We don’t have electronics, toys, or books while we eat
  3. If a kid can lift a fork on their own, they need to feed themselves
  4. When someone gets up from the table, they are done eating
 
Pretty ambitious, right?  Putting loving boundaries around acceptable behaviors at the table is essential.  You might have heard that kids need limits and when they don’t have them, they think the sky is the limit.  If your mealtimes are out of control it might be because the limits haven’t been set by you and possibly, they’ve been set instead by your kids which is a recipe for disaster. 
 
How long should dinner time or breakfast take in your home – 20 minutes?  30?  10?  I want you to pick a time and shoot for it.   In our example here I’m going to say about 20 minutes since it’s pretty normal. 
Now let’s go through each one of those four rules and see how you can implement them in a loving and consistent manner.


  1. Eat at the table
    1. Pretty simple, just like it says, not on the couch in front of a TV
  2. No electronics or books or private toys
    1. You need to realize this is just for 20 minutes and that you and your kids can make it together for that time without private distractions.  Yes, that means no electronics for mom or dad either.  Some parents have kids who want to bring cars or trucks or dolls to the table, no thank you for those either!
    2. If you’d like a distraction then offer a family game to play like Yahtzee, Candy Lane, any group game you can all play together.  “Together” is the operative word here.  In my family I set up something called a “Conversation Jar” – it was a bin that had slips of paper kids could draw from with questions them; things like “What was one thing you learned today?” or “What’s your favorite movie?” or “Tell us a joke.”  There are even decks of cards you can buy with conversation type questions on them if you don’t want to make up your own.
    3. The main point here is that personal distractions aren’t allowed but group distractions are.  My goal would be not to need the group distractions for a 20 minute meal but, if you need them, use them!
  3. Kids feeding themselves
    1. This is a hard one for lots of parents especially of small kids since we worry they aren’t getting enough nutrition or we see them struggle to eat with a fork or spoon which can be messy and slow.  Once your child hits about two there shouldn’t be anyone approaching them with a forkful of food except themselves.  If you’re that parent who is running after a kid with a fork, you have to stop.
  4. Getting up from the table means they’re done
    1. This is the most important rule! 
    2. Here’s what you need to do.  First, make sure your kids know this new rule in a loving manner, no lectures needed, just a simple statement:  “We serve dinner to children who stay at the table.”  That’s it.  Then wait.
    3. As soon as your child gets up you LOVINGLY take away their plate saying something like: “Oh, I guess you are all done.  No problem. Have fun playing.”  Keep in mind that they might actually be done eating, they might have had enough and won’t be back. 
    4. However, if they do run back to the table and want their food back you say: “Oh, this is soooo sad.  You know our new rule is that if you get up it means you’re done.  So sorry.  I know you’ll have a really nice breakfast to look forward to in the morning.”  If there’s begging and crying you just have to put up with it, don’t give in.  This is part of the lesson they are learning, it’s a natural consequence and it will be very effective, you just have to trust me. 
    5. Now, some others of you have kids that will just run off playing.  There’s no need to remind, lecture or to yell after them: “Hey, I’m taking your dinner away! You’re gonna be hungry!” You need to let them decide what and how much to eat, not keep them at the dinner table forcing them to eat everything on their plate.  If your pediatrician isn’t worried about their weight, you shouldn’t be either. I’d like you to consider that as your kids get older, they actually put the food on their plates that they want to eat.  You need to let them own their food intake.
    6. Many kids will come back to you in an hour saying they’re hungry.  I’d encourage you to be calm and empathetic and say something like: “This is sooo sad.  I get hungry when I don’t eat enough for dinner too.  Breakfast sure will be yummy.”  But I know that’s really hard for parents of young ones so I’d offer a compromise to you, have something in your house that your kids kinda like, is really healthy and they can get for themselves.  I love to use carrots as an example.  When they say they are hungry you can say: “This is soooo sad.  Dinner is all done. You’re welcome to have carrots. ”  Whatever you choose for your family don’t make it very attractive, just tolerable. 
    7. One final complication to a 20-minute mealtime is that you might be offering too many snacks to your kids too close to mealtime.  Try to set snack times that end at least 90 minutes ahead of a meal so that your kids are hungry when mealtime comes.
Once you start this and you’re consistent with all these new boundaries your children will know what is expected and that there is love involved around food, not yelling, telling and chasing.  The first few days might be rough for one or more of your kids but you HAVE to keep it up.  If you cave, they’ll know you don’t have any plan.  Your child won’t starve, they really won’t!  If they miss a meal, their little bodies will make up for it over the days ahead.  One pediatrician I was reviewing comments from says that you should really look at a child’s nutritional intake over a week’s span, not a day.  Their bodies have a way of knowing what they need.

All these new rules will allow you to have a completely different food experience in your house.  It should be not only healthier but also happier. 

Food Choices

Ok, now what we’re done with setting up rules at our mealtimes we’re going to move on to topic number two – food choices.   The classic “My child is so picky.”  Or, “My child won’t eat vegetables.” is such a challenge.  What ideas do I have for you in dealing with these? I have four ideas:
  1. Food is a source of power for kids, you need to take away their power over you.  The more we push certain foods on them, the more they rebel which causes us to compromise and run after them with a fork or let them use electronics at dinner.   You need to let them know you trust them to take care of their food needs. 
  2. Second, don’t be anxious about food which is highly related to #1.  Kids will settle down and grow over time.  Your children need to know you love them and they are secure.  Let their bodies drive what they eat and your job is to keep healthy food in their lives as much as possible.  If your pediatrician thinks they are doing ok then don’t worry.
  3. Third, offer at least something on your kid’s plate that you know they’ll eat.  In my house one son like broccoli and the other green beans so we ate a lot of those.  I would have liked more variety but at least they were vegetables.  My sons eventually moved on to Caesar Salad so we ate a lot of that.  Today as adults they eat lots of things, I just had to wait and know that their palates will most likely grow.  That said, we all know adults who are still picky eaters and, hey, they’re living and breathing and it’s all just fine. 
  4. Lastly, I think it’s super fun to take our kids grocery shopping with the intention of going on a food treasure hunt.  Have them pick out a few things that look interesting to THEM and incorporate them into your meals. The deal will be that each person needs to take at least one bite of the new foods and they are even welcome to spit it out if they don’t like it.  The idea is to have them try, not to force them, to eat new things so please make it a fun experience and not a torturous one. 

I have had some families come to me with a few other situations around food.  One involved a girl in about 4th grade who was just always eating.  She was eating good foods but her mom was concerned about her weight and whether she was just eating out of boredom. After brainstorming a bit, we decided that in her house she needed to set up a more appropriate guideline for when the family eats.  Kids were welcome to have a snack after school but then the next time to eat was dinner.  If her daughter said she was hungry later mom used love and empathy and set a new limit: “Oh that’s too bad.  I’m so glad that dinner will be in a half hour.”  This worked!  Yep!  That simple.  Mom just hadn’t set any boundaries around food so the pantry being open 24/7 was the default policy.  It was hurting her daughter and now her daughter adjusted her behavior and things are working really well.  If you have a similar problem you can always add: “There’s carrots in the fridge!”

Another issue a family had with all of these suggestions required a bit more brainstorming.  They lived in a small house and had a 4-year-old who wouldn’t eat his dinner but would wake up in the middle of the night hungry, not at a convenient time like before bedtime.  Ugh.  That was a major drag especially since they had a new baby and a 6-year-old. If there was a middle-of-the-night problem where the 4-year-old was hungry they couldn’t let him have a tantrum and wake everyone up.  In this case, we decided feeding the child food was fine, however, the next day when things were calm the parents needed to make sure there was a loving consequence for waking up a parent due to them not finishing their dinner and being hungry in the middle-of-the-night.  The consequence might be something like cleaning up toys or vacuuming the living room.  The point being that the parent lost sleep and didn’t have the extra energy to do those jobs so the child needs to do it for the parent.  In the Parenting the Love and Logic Way® class that I facilitate this is called an Energy Drain, see link below.

I hope you’ve got some new ideas to try to help get mealtimes under control in your house.  You have the four Family Mealtime Rules to implement in addition to the ideas about how to give good food choices.  I want you to try and to not give up.  Setting reasonable boundaries around food is super, super important.

Link to Love and Logic® technique on ENERGY DRAIN:  HERE



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PODCAST Episode 3 - Building Resilience: Remember to Forget

3/4/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:  LISTEN

Thanks for coming back to listen to more practical parenting wisdom.  Today we’re going to talk about situations where a parent “forgetting” provides for powerful and helpful life-long lessons for kids. 

In this episode I’m going to go over some real examples from parents who have attended parenting classes that I’ve been facilitating since 2012, Parenting the Love and Logic Way®.  All these parents had just learned new skills, they weren’t aged veterans who’d been doing this a long time.  In these examples you can see that just making a few changes in your parenting can have a big impact on your family.  Let’s get started with learning to forget.

MISSING SWIM TOWELS AND GOGGLES
The first story is about a mom of 4 young kids who let her two oldest daughters learn what happens when they forget stuff. Here’s what she wrote me:
I told the girls to get ready for swim class. I usually remind them to bring their towels and goggles. I had gotten busy with other things and I did not remind them. They have been going to this class all school year so they know what they need to bring with them. We drove to class and when we arrived discovered they both had forgotten their towels and goggles. I have in the past bought goggles and towels from the swim school when things have been forgotten. But today was different, I told them that since they forgot them there would be no swim class today and we drove home. There were tears and I just sympathized and said “I know” and “that really stinks”. When we got home we discussed how they used my gas and energy to drive them to nowhere. So to pay me back they both chose a chore around the house. 
Wow!  This is so cool! That mom took the bull by the horns and tried something new.  You know what happened the next week when going to swimming lessons?  Yep,  her daughters remembered both their towels and goggles.  Woohoo!

HOCKEY HOPEFULNESS
Our next story is similar.  A 10-year old boy who loves ice hockey who arrived at the rink and was just getting his gear out of his bag for a practice and noticed that his skates were missing. Yes, his SKATES. Not good. “Dad, Mom, we gotta go back home! My skates are at home!” Dad empathetically and in a low tone of voice said. “Oh nooooo that is so sad… you forgot your skates. Our house is 30 minutes away. We’re not driving there and back for your skates today. What are you going to do about it?”
“I don’t know. I can’t practice without my skates! The coach is going to be so mad. Why can’t we go back and get them??!!”

“As we told you, we don’t have the time or the energy to go back home. What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know.” He sulks…
“Would you like some suggestions?” they said.
“What? Hmm… ok…”
“Well, some kids might decide to sit on the bench and just watch practice. How would that work for you?”
“That’s no good. Coach won’t like me sitting doing nothing.”
“Well, some kids might take some money and buy a new pair of skates from the skate shop here at the rink. How would that work for you?”
“Hmm… well, I do have some money from my birthday that I could use. I’ll do that!”
So a new pair of skates was purchased using the boy’s own money.

These hockey parents used their new problem-solving skills to perfection. They gave empathy first, handed the problem back to their child and then asked if he wanted suggestions. They only gave suggestions AFTER he agree to listen to some from them. They did NOT nag, remind or berate him for the situation that he had created for himself. The NATURAL consequences of his poor decision of not packing his gear more carefully in the first place was the consequence he needed.  Some parents might look for extra punishments to pile on but there’s no need.  Love and empathy and saying things like “wow, that certainly was a bummer to forget your skates.” Is all you need to help cement the impact of the natural consequence.  This is a perfect case of “less is more”. 
 
SUNSCREEN LESSONS
Another parent attending my class accepted my challenge of letting her kids forget something.  It was summer and they were headed to Tahoe on vacation.  She was a bit tired of being responsible for applying sunscreen to her 10, 8 and 6-year-old kids.  She wanted to make sure they were covered, head to toe which is why she did it, sunburns were no fun.  Well, she decided this could be a learning opportunity for her kids and it turned out to be for herself as well.  First, she communicated her new plan. On the way to Tahoe, she told them putting on sunscreen was now their job, not hers.  They were surprised, mom had never given them the option to put it on themselves.  Well, much to her surprise, they did it!  No complaints even.  They just did it!  Mom was impressed it was so easy that she didn’t even expect they would do a good job of, they did.  They proved to her they were capable!  She was actually prepared for a bit of sunburn here and there but there was hardly any.  Wow!  Her kids were capable and she had been holding them back.  What a precious lesson for a parent to learn.  What might your child be able to do that you don’t even know since you’re not letting them prove to you and themselves that they CAN do something?
 
COLD KID
In another instance, I was at church chatting with a family from my small group which is centered around parenting young children.  I noticed their 7-year-old son was in shorts and a tee shirt jumping around with his hands deep in the pockets of his lightweight shorts.  Mom is a pretty skilled parent after being in our group for a few years.  She and I just smiled and she said how she lets her son dress himself.  I asked him if he was cold and he immediately said, “No, I’m fine.”  I loved it!  Mom was letting him learn how to dress based on the weather instead of forcing him to wear clothes that she might deem more appropriate.  He wasn’t going to freeze, we live in a mild climate, so what a great opportunity for him to learn when he’s so young.  He’s learning how he feels based on what his body is telling him, not his parents.  By the time he leaves home for college he’ll be all set.
 
COLD TEEN
However, this same lesson about weather turned out a little different with a teenage girl whose parents were attending my class.  Friday night was a football game at school and when their daughter was getting ready to go it was pretty mild weather, not cold.  She decided to head to the game in short shorts and a tank top.  She sure was cute! 

Well, by halftime they got a call.  Guess who it was?  Guess who was cold?  Could they please bring her a coat?  Oh, this was so sad, the parents said.  They were in the middle of a movie.  They wouldn’t be able to run over and bring a coat.  They were loving and gave lots of empathy to her plight of being cold. One thing they did NOT do was lecture her about how she should have brought a coat.  No nagging, no reminding is what will seal in life lessons with our kids. 

They did this perfectly and they admitted to me that they had a smile on their faces since this whole situation proved to be so predictable.  The only thing no longer predictable was them rescuing her.  A week later when their daughter left for the next football game, do you know what she was carrying in her hand?  Yep, a coat!  See, even if you have a teenager it’s possible to make progress if we allow our kids to own their actions and we don’t step in to rescue or lecture them when something goes wrong.   
 

Finder Parents
All these stories about kids who forget things reminds me of something I had to deal with myself and I find many parents have the same “skill”.  The skill I am talking about is being what I call the “Finder Parent”.  I’m sure you can guess what this might be just from the fun title I’ve given it.  We are the parents who can find anything, anywhere for our family members. 
  
·        When our kid shouts out “Where are my soccer cleats?” We are the people who tell them they are under a pile of dirty laundry in their room and not in the garage shoe bench where they should be.  If someone needs a band aid, or scissors, or a certain type of graph paper or a favorite toy? We can point to the item without batting an eye or lifting a finger. 

·        Being the Finder Parent is a tough job since as The Finder if you don’t find something like the basketball shoes before game then it is YOUR fault that a child is late or can’t play.  It’s your fault if the appropriate coat can’t be found or a school form is missing that needs to be turned in.  It’s a job with very few rewards and many downsides like getting yelled at or being made to feel guilty that someone wasn’t ready for some event or another on time because YOU couldn’t find something.  This totally sucks! Who signed us up for such a thankless task?  We did!  Yep… every one of us signed ourselves up.  Why?  We just want things to go well!  We want people to be on time and have their stuff and us knowing immediately where things are really helps.  Or does it?  Hmmm….

·        As you can probably tell by now The Finder is really a house helicopter and if that’s you that is one job you need to resign from ASAP!  Yep, just resign. 

·        When you see your kids kick off their shoes in random places and they don’t care that they might not be able to find them later, then you need not care either.  When a kid’s water bottle is left in the car and not refilled because they forgot to bring it in, you forget that too.  They yell in the morning “Where’s my water bottle?” as they’re getting their things together you just lovingly say “I don’t’ know honey, where did you leave it?  I bet if you look you can find it.”  “I looked; I can’t find it!”  You reply lovingly in an empathetic tone of voice, “That’s so sad, what are you going to do about it?” 

·        When your kid has to go to soccer or baseball and they pick up their gear bag without looking inside to see if everything is there, make sure you don’t look either.  I know, it’s soooo tempting but, just don’t look.  Once you get to the field and your kid finally notices they don’t have their shin guards or cup, you just give them love and empathy.  “Oh no, that is too bad.  I’m so sorry. “ You don’t start lecturing.  You just give love and empathy!!  That will be really, really hard but just hold to that – love and empathy.  “But mom, I can’t play without shin guards!”  “I know, that’s so sad.”  “Why didn’t you pack my gear?!  It’s your fault!  Go home and get it right now so I can play!”  This will be a hard game for them to sit out but you just say in that loving and empathetic voice you’ve been practicing, “I can see how you might feel that way but in our house your gear is your gear.  I love you and I’m sure next time you’ll get everything in your bag.”  This whole scenario will work a lot better if you have a family meeting ahead of time to lay out the new Family Rule that your children own their gear and get it ready, not you.  I would encourage you to add to a  rule for unpacking gear being their job too -  sports gear,  lunchboxes, and backpacks should all be included in that list. 

·        It’s hard to watch our kids fail but the more we let them own their “stuff” and the earlier in their lives they know it’s “their stuff” then they learn to not rely on others to take care of it, but to responsible and that’s what we need them to be   in the long run.  Remember, our goal is to create responsible adults and doing that will involve lessons like all of these.
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One last thought I have for all of you is that I want you to know that I’m not asking you to abandon your kids.  I certainly want to encourage you to help and coach your kids moving toward the right behaviors.  To accomplish this we need to be coaches, giving them hints from the sidelines where we brainstorm with them maybe how to come up with a list of items that go into a sports gear bag or what needs to go into a backpack before leaving for school.  We don’t’ step in early and give them a plan; we wait till they ask and we give empathy and love when things aren’t going well instead of lecturing and taking over.  It’s hard to watch sometimes but in the long run things will get better and better when we learn to forget. 


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PODCAST Episode 2 - Teens: Respect, Emotions and Brains

2/26/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:  LISTEN

Today we’re going to talk about what to do when teens won’t show us respect and how to handle things when anger and other emotions are involved in our parenting situations. 

You’re the Worst Parent in the World!
Has your teen or tween told you yet that you’re the worst parent in the world?  Many times?  Or are you lucky enough to say “not yet”?  Well, don’t be surprised if that once adorable toddler or elementary child who doted on your every word turns into some sort of swamp monster and turns on you. 

Sometimes they blow up over an issue that, from your point of view, is small –you didn’t buy the right flavor of yogurt, you showed up 2 minutes late picking them up from practice, you nagged them too many times about cleaning up their room or maybe that you wore the wrong color shirt.  When they lash out at you like that, you just want to lash out at them, right?  Tell them they don’t appreciate the million other things you’ve done for them recently!  It’s not fair that you’re the target and they’re treating you like dirt!  We feel they don’t show us any respect and we can’t get them to no matter what we do.

Respect is something we tell our kids is earned, not given.  If you treat someone with respect then you’ll deserve respect is the old adage.  Well, that works for normal people but we’re talking about a teenager or tween with only half a brain.  What?  Half a brain?  Yep, half a brain. 

There are two issues with our kids' brains that are going on when they are acting disrespectful.

The first is when kids move toward puberty their brains sluff off half their brain cells.  Yep, half!  That’s where my “half a brain” comment comes in.  The brain has been collecting lots of information for the first 12 years or so of a child’s life and biologically they need to make room in their brains to create new neurological pathways that will take them into adulthood and beyond.  So, during puberty the body sluffs off brain cells.  Many of us have heard comments that the teenage brain doesn’t stop forming until the mid to late 20s.  This is the science of what is behind that comment.

The next part of the brain to understand is something that affects us at all ages. It’s when emotion takes over our brains and activates our “fight-or-flight” response.  If we’re angry, yelling, or crying a part of our brain called the amygdala takes over and gets all the blood flow, deactivating the part of the brain where decision making happens called our prefrontal cortex.  If you have a teen this means that they can be hit with a double brain whammy at once – half a brain and fight-or-flight mode so you’d better watch out!

So, let’s get back to what we first started with in this podcast – lack of respect. 

If your teen lashes out, not only is their fight and flight activated causing their thinking brain to shut down but now you know that they don’t have all that many brain cells in the first place.   Does your house ever sound like this?
  •  “Why were you so late picking me up?! You are so thoughtless!  You know I have to study for my test tomorrow.”
  • “Dad, you never let me do anything fun with my friends!  Leave me alone!”
  • “Mom, you never understand anything I say!  My friends are just fine, it’s YOU who aren’t treating me right!”
  • “No! I don’t want to get off electronics now!  I’m playing with my friends so shut up and get out of my room!”

Wow… that’s a whole ton of lack of respect, isn’t in? 

The two most common reactions we as parents have to that bad attitude look something like this:

Reaction 1 – We try to remain calm and reason with them using our thinking brain. 
  • “Yes, I was late but things will be just fine.”
  • “I do too let you do fun things all the time.  What about the time I let you… (fill in the blanks…)”
  • “We have a family rule about electronics and you signed a contract which you’re violating it right now.  We need you to hold up your end of the contract.”
  • The complication:  we might have a thinking brain but our kids don’t.  Hmm..

Reaction 2 – The second possible reaction is where we get emotional and activate our flight-and-flight response and start battling with them.
  • “I do too treat you right!  You just sit there on your lazy butt and don’t help out around the house at all.  Why should I let you play computer all day and night!  You have to help out around the house or I’m going to never let you play on the computer again!”
  • “You are always talking back to me!  Go to your room but hand over that cell phone first.  It’s going away for a week!”
  • “You have to do it my way because I said so and I’m the parent!”
  • The complication here:  yep, neither party of has a thinking brain!  Uh oh!  A huge problem!

Reaction 3  - I want to offer a third alternative where both parent and teen have a thinking brain.  Yes!  It’s possible for that to happen.  How?  You have to WAIT.  You have to let all the emotion pass. Even though they are throwing all sorts of mean insults at you, you need to just take it at the time.  Don’t react and don’t engage and defend yourself. There’s no good brain activity going on so don’t feed the monster. 

Try some of these phrases in a really soft and loving voice:
  •  “Mom you are so stupid.” Gets a response of “I know….” In a really calm voice.
  • “Dad, why are you always picking on me?!” gets a response of “That’s soooo sad…”
  • Some parents might get flack for saying those things so they  might even need to just grunt or use “hmmm” as their reaction to disrespect.  
  • If you’re really good at staying calm during all of this you might even get: “Why do you keep saying that!” Don’t take the bait and try to defend yourself, just take it. 
  • Feel free to say something like: “I talk to kids who are calm.  We’ll talk later.”  And then leave the room.
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You’re going to continue to wait until the emotion passes; with some situations this could be an hour and with some teens it could be days. 

Now, once your teen has calmed down you need to find an opportunity to talk.  Sometimes you can just cuddle up to them when they’re on the couch or at bedtime while other times you need to create a situation where you and your teen have what I call “Special Time” that’s away from other family members and distractions; maybe a walk, a hike or a drive in the car.  For some of you who are worried that your teen might blow up on you when you start having a discussion, I’d even recommend going to a sit-down restaurant since most of us behave better in public places. Whatever you need to do, you need to follow up so that the disrespect doesn’t linger and become a normal state of affairs in your home.

Keep in mind that when you get this special time, you want to talk and not lecture.  You are going to use love and empathy to communicate your unconditional love to your child.  They need to know that even when they are hurting and at their worst that you still love them and want to help them.  Using phrases like:
  • “I could tell you were really upset.  Can we talk about it?” will help.  Then have a discussion and see if you can brainstorm how to avoid such outbursts in the future. 
  • As part of this discussion you want to make sure you tell them: “It really hurt my feelings when you called me bad names.  You know how much I love you and in our family we treat each other with respect.”   
  • Then you get to allow your child to make up the feeling of ill-will they created by coming up with some sort of way for them to pay you back, creating positive energy in your home again.
    • “It’ll really help if you make dinner tomorrow night with me to help put some positive energy into our relationship again.”
    • Or, you might ask them to do a special project around the house or even have them do a special cleaning of their room. 
    • They need to know that their behavior of treating you badly has a loving consequence.  If you want, you can even give them a few choices to make it easier for them to restore your relationship to a more healthy state. 
I often times have parents tell me that when they wait and let emotions calm down the teen will even apologize on their own.  Why?  Because their thinking brain came back online and even they could tell that they were out of control.   
 
You need to be sure that when they apologize that there still will be a consequence to restore your relationship.  If you are loving and calm the teen will understand and they will most likely willingly do whatever task you agree on.  A simple “I’m sorry” from them is just a bit too short and too easy. 

Some of you might say that your teen won’t take the time or effort to restore the relationship.  If that’s the case then there’s more going on and you should reach out to me for further coaching or get some other counselor involved, things usually don’t get better on their own.

I have one last thought especially for those of you who have younger kids.  This emotional behavior where the fight-and-flight response is activated happens at all ages so feel free to experiment on your 2-year old or 8-year old.  With them, when they have a tantrum or blow up, you wait until the emotion passes just like with teens .  It’s usually a lot easier with younger kids and their recovery time can be as short as a few minutes. 
The encouragement I want to give you is that it’s really effective to practice these skills when they’re young so that when they get into their teen years you can more easily pull off waiting during emotional and disrespectful outbursts until their thinking brain returns. 
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I hope you enjoyed hearing some ideas about how to bring respect back into balance in your household and how knowing a bit about brain science can help you create healthier and happier family relationships. 


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PODCAST Episode 1 - Helicopter Parenting: Why and What Impact

2/24/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:  LISTEN

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·        Welcome to Parenting Decoded, a podcast for practical approaches to parenting.  I’m Mary Eschen and thanks for listening in.  I’m so excited that you’re listening to my first podcast ever.  I’m hoping that I can help you decode the deep mysteries of parenting.  I plan to tackle the most common parenting situations and give you really practical ideas that you can grasp and implement today and do it in a loving and empathetic manner. 

In my work for the past 8 years as a parent educator and coach I’ve found that a lot of cycles for healthy family life are used up with miscommunication, frustration and anger.  My view is the long-term one, helping you to see that what you do today will impact your adult child in the future.  I want to help you create respectful, responsible and independent adults.

With that said… let’s get started to create happier and healthier families!

Today I want to spend time talking about One of the biggest challenges where I live in the Silicon Valley,  Helicopter Parenting.   It’s become such a common term in our vocabulary that it’s even a verb – “to helicopter”.  We are pressured into hovering over kids trying to make everything perfect because we believe this will help them succeed in life and we don’t want to take any chances of our kids screwing that up.      

HOVERING - Some parents literally hover – over dinner to make sure their kids eat a nutritious meal, over homework to make sure it is done or all the answers are correct, or by going online to check grades and assignments. 

NAGGING - Other helicopter parents might use nagging as a way to “help” – “have you packed you homework in your backpack”, “I see your  homework is still on the table, it needs to go in your backpack”, “Let’s get in the car, do you have your homework?” all the way to “I dropped your homework off with your teacher since it never got in your backpack.” Some parents might do this with a loving attitude but lots of us are very, very frustrated that our kid just ignored us each time we tried to nag them to get their homework in the right place.  It’s enough to drive us crazy, isn’t it?


WHY PARENTS HELICOPTER?

WHY - The first thing to consider is the question of WHY a parent would helicopter.  I live in the Silicon Valley where my husband and I have raised our two boys.  It’s a very academically competitive environment and it seems helicoptering is the default style of parenting here.  All these Helicopter parents are wonderful, amazing parents who are trying to see that their kids are happy, that they have everything they need, that there are no bumps in the road for them or if there are bumps then those loving parents will minimize the bumps so their kids can move forward and not be thrown off course. 

I learn best with real life examples so I’m going to talk about some helicopter situations and why a parent might behave this way:

o    Scenario #1.  This is when the parent drops off a lunchbox to school when a child has forgotten it.  The child was reminded several times and it didn’t get done but the parent goes out of their way anyway.  Why would a parent do this?

The answer I get from parents is that they don’t want their child to be hungry, that they want them to eat a healthy lunch and unless they drop it off these things won’t happen.  Some parents think their child would starve!  Ha! 

o   Scenario #2 the helicopter parent wakes up their kid every morning by repeatedly coming into their room to make sure they get out of bed, that kid just doesn’t want to wake up!  You some days have to physically drag them out of bed since they keep going back to sleep.  The child takes forever to get out of bed and often times your entire family starts off their day frustrated and angry.  Why does the parent keep doing this day after day?

Parents feel that the kid can’t possibly take care of getting out of bed on time.  They need watching over because they would sleep right through an alarm and be late for school.

o   Scenario #3 - Now let’s move along to an older child and a helicopter parent who logs on to the school website to closely monitor assignments, grades and attendance.  Why would they do that?

​Parents feel if they don’t look at what’s online then their child won’t plan their assignments correctly, that they might have forgotten to turn in papers or even that a teacher recorded a grade incorrectly and it will impact their future in academics.  They need to make sure that doesn’t happen at all costs and those electronic school systems are a way of double checking. 

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE HELICOPTER – now let’s take those same examples – the lunchbox forgetting, the not waking up on time and the academic monitoring and see what the impact is on our kids

o   The lunchbox  
A kid learns that they don’t have to remember a lunchbox, that it’s really their parent’s job.  If they get to school without their lunch, they can blame the parent.  They can keep playing electronics or Legos or whatever in the morning and ignore when mom or dad politely asked them to pack their lunch in their backpack.  They have been given permission to tune out mom and dad since there’s nothing bad that happens, their lunch always magically appears.  Why should they bother packing their lunch?  Nagging isn’t all that bad, they got to keep doing something fun that they liked.

o   Waking up
The child learns they don’t have to be responsible for getting up, their parents will make sure via nagging or whatever to get them out of bed “on time”.  You know what?  They can even blame the parent for not doing their job of waking them up if they’re late to school.  “It’s my mom’s fault, she slept through her alarm and didn’t wake me up.”

o   Grade/Assignment checking
The child doesn’t bother taking a look at their own assignments, if they miss one they blame the parent for not telling them.  The child doesn’t worry or plan their studies since it is the parent who “owns” the schedule for when things need to be done. They basically get to check out of the planning.  Even if they are willing to do the work, they just wait to be told when and what to do. 

LETTING GO – I happen to know a lot about issues with helicopter parenting.  I’m a recovering helicopter parent.  I was just trying to be helpful and loving but in reality, I was robbing my son of the opportunity to learn for himself and take control of his life. 

One example that comes to mind is when he had trouble with reading in middle school.  He just hated to read so he’d keep putting it off, he’d do his other homework just fine but that reading… boy… it was hard.   He wasn’t a slacker student; he just didn’t want to read.  I finally realized that when I “helped” to set a reading plan with him or even sometimes read the book with him that I wasn’t teaching him anything, he was only learning to rely on me to help make a plan. 

So, one time I decided to put my helicoptering aside and let the responsibility be his, not mine.   My role was to give love and empathy in the event that he got behind.  Well, in no time my empathy was utilized.  “Oh, that’s so sad.  I hate it when I have to read a lot of pages in one night and have a book report due too.”  “Can I fix you a snack?”  In the end I think he had piled up about 200 pages to read in one night which was, of course, impossible.  Well, that was a rough night and I don’t think he ever finished reading that book but when he came home the next day loaded down with his next book assignment (his school was really in to reading lots of books one after the other) I was able to have a discussion with him about ideas about what HE could do to smooth things out in the future. 

I didn’t tell him what to do, we just thought about ideas about what to do and in the end, he decided to use a basic math equation -- # of pages divided by the number of days he had left to read a book.  For his first book that was 25 pages a day.  He looked at that number and was amazed at how reasonable that sounded.  It was so cool to see him realize that with a bit of his own planning that he could conquer what seemed like an impossible and hated task.  Reading was no longer hard for him and when he missed a day, he could recalculate the pages or just read double to catch up, it was doable. 

He was so happy and confident that even today as a senior in college he uses that same simple math calculation to help plan all types of work that he has to accomplish.  All because way back in middle school I let him own his own homework and he was able to learn how to pace his work.  And me, well, I just sit back as a very happy recovering helicopter mom knowing that I’ve helped to raise a responsible adult. 

Bottomline, we Helicopters think we are “helping” our kids but more than likely we are interfering with the development of our child’s sense of responsibility and their ability to solve problems on their own. 

UNINTENDED CONSEQUENCES
I want to talk a little more about two unintended consequences of helicoptering that I’ve noticed in my time as a parenting coach – one is the impact on self-confidence and the other is how we create lazy kids:

o   SELF CONFIDENCE– when we constantly do things for our kids they often start believing they can’t do things themselves. This shows up in their hearts… they aren’t “smart” enough or “organized” enough or whatever. And they believe it!  In the case of a parent who is always checking on assignments and knowing when tests and assignments are due, they basically let their child know that they can’t do it.  If the parent isn’t there they will FAIL.  This robs their self-confidence and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy that they really can’t do it without mom or dad. Take the kid who makes their parent pack their sports equipment because the kid has learned that they’ll forget something and it will be a disaster so they don’t that responsibility since they’ll just screw it up and everyone will be mad and disappointed so mom and dad better keep packing that sports bag, they can do it so much better.
o   LAZY, ENTITLED KIDS – The other side effect of helicoptering is that we can create lazy, unmotivated kids.  Who wants one of those?!  Have you ever thought or even said that your kid is lazy?  That your child does not seem to care about their work?  Do you have the feeling that you are raising an entitled couch potato instead of an adult?  Helicoptering can give kids power over us.  We run around panicked doing things to cover up for our kids not wanting to do those same things.  When we start covering for them when they are young the problem just grows and grows. 

§  Take studying, for example.  If they won’t study on their own, parents force them to do the studying, they sit next to them to make sure they stay focused, they drag them through the work, planning assignments, correcting papers, hiring tutors.  Their child learns that mom or dad will keep everything on time and in order.  There will be some yelling and lots of nagging but, hey, they get to pass on being responsible, so it’s worth it.

§  How about kids who don’t do their chores?  They tell their parents they are too busy doing homework.  Those helicopter parents fall for that line all the time thus creating entitled kids who feel that there’s no need to contribute to the family, just to their own selfish educational pursuits.

How to overcome being a helicopter:
Let them fail
Let them learn what happens when they forget stuff, that the next time they’ll have an opportunity to remember what was missing
Let them know what a bad grade feels like and that they can study harder and recover
Let them not finish their homework and talk to the teacher about it
Let them not get to school on time and go to the office to get a late slip
Let them not practice their sport and tell their coach why
Let them forget their lunch and figure out how to mooch from their friends or ask folks in the cafeteria 

o   The secret is to Give them EMPATHY so they can get back up and try again!

Love will go far when you allow them to fail and they learn you will love them unconditionally.  If you yell at them, lecture them and reprimand them as they fail then they become panicked and brittle, will break instead of bend.  Comments like “Well,  if you had packed your lunch like I told you to this wouldn’t have happened.  I don’t have time to run to school every other day because you were too lazy to get your lunch into your backpack.  This really makes me angry.”

You want them to know that they can get themselves back up after they’ve fallen down, that they are resilient and that you’re on their side, not running the show but an encouraging spectator and coach who loves them beyond measure. Try saying something like this in a CALM, LOVING voice: “Wow, that must have been a hard to not have your lunch today.  Your snack was in there too.  What do you think you can do to make sure you pack it tomorrow? “
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​Empathy - The Hardest Skill

2/5/2020

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Is your child "sensitive"?  Do they cry at the drop of a hat?  When they can't find their shoes, do they yell and scream?  When they lose at sports do they have a tantrum?  How about when their sibling says something mean to them, do they go to anger in a second?  It's enough to drive us out of our skin some days, isn't it?  It's hard to slow down and figure out what's going on when the kids are pushing our buttons left and right!

Yes, all those situations really are enough to push our buttons.  How can you empathize with a kid who is screaming and yelling when they do it DAY AFTER DAY???  This isn't a one time thing, is it?  It happens ALL THE TIME!  You start cringing when your day opens up with your challenging child whining and complaining.  It makes you want to pull the covers over your head.  I agree that this is all too much for us to handle some days but I want to encourage you to persist... it's really, really important that you learn to use EMPATHY and learn to use it well.  In the long run, empathy will save your family from all sorts of trauma as your kids grow.  It's hard to believe but, it's true.

What can you do?  
1 - BREATHE AMD CHILL -Take a breath and chill out. Calming yourself down is SUPER important.  If your brain is activated into an emotional state you are shutting down the only way weapon you have in your tool box -- your brain.   Sometimes you will need to get yourself to a "safe" place where you can chill out.  You can ask your spouse to take over for a minute, take a walk around the block or, if that's not an option, then just shut yourself in the bathroom.  Yes, your kids will be pounding at the door to get to you but the wait will be worth if for them if the result is a calm mommy or daddy.   

2 - ACTIVATE YOUR BRAIN - Here's the part where, once calm, you might be able to take a bigger view of the picture of what's going on.  Little kids don't have many skills in their little toolboxes -- whining, crying, kicking, yelling, screaming.  Older kids can throw in skills like guilt and shame -- "You're the WORST mom!" or "Dad, you're so mean. I don't love you!" and even, "None of my friends like you, you have such bad taste!".  We need to THINK where those thoughts and feelings are coming from instead of reacting to the emotion they are producing. 
  • Why is my 3 year old peeing in the corner when they are already potty trained?  Could it be that we just had a new baby and they are seeking attention from us? Or maybe I've been traveling or working so much they don't get to see me and the only time they get my attention is when they're misbehaving?
  • Why is my 2nd grader getting pulled out of recess for aggressive behavior? Could it be that they're feeling powerless with their friends or they feel they have to win a game at any cost?  They might have a raging fire of anger building every time they go to school and it comes out on the playground. Have I missed this?  
  • Why is my tween yelling at me when all I did was clean their room?  Could it be they thought I violated their space? That I threw out something that I didn't know was precious to them?
  • Why is my teen not talking to me when clearly they violated our policy of no driving in cars with other high schoolers who don't have a year of driving under their belt?  I took away their phone for a week and now they won't even talk to me they are so angry.  Could it be they think I just ripped their lifeline from them?
3 - START EMPATHETIC RESPONSES - Lots of times our response as a parent is to TELL our kids what to do.  "Stop crying, you didn't fall down that hard."  "Your friends will let you play, just get back out there."  "Winning isn't everything, you really need to not get so upset about losing why don't you go to your room to settle down?" "It was your fault you broke our family rules.  Why do you do that all the time?"   We are basically invalidating their feelings by telling them what they should feel.  Empathy allows us to see their point of view and allow them permission to be sad or mad or whatever in the moment.  It's ok that they wanted to win the game. It's natural to be angry that some kid on the team played badly and cost them the game.  That is SUPER SAD!  Our job is to agree and do what's called "reflective listening": "Yes, wow, that was really too bad that the team lost. You sure are sad. "  Just let them cry or vent without you getting involved in the emotion.  Just LOVE THEM through it.  Do the "Yes, that's sad." routine over and over again to help the emotion pass.  Sometimes it can be days for that to happen but the child knowing that you love them unconditionally is what we're after.  They can be little monsters but, we love them.  They can tell and scream but, we love them.  We just keep loving them over and over again. That teen who doesn't have their phone can know from you that it's really hard to be without a phone if you say it lovingly and mean it with empathy in your voice. 

4 - AFTER THE EMOTION - once you have loved your child unconditionally through whatever the crisis was then and only then would you work to figure out a solution to the triggers that set off their emotion.  You would BRAINSTORM to figure out the why and what caused them to go ballistic.  When that toddler pees in the corner, you'd give them love at the time and have them clean up the mess in a calm and loving manner.  Then, later that day, you'd ask what was up with that.  At that young age they probably won't be able to tell you much but I would certainly recommend spending some one on one time with that child so that they feel unconditionally loved, not shamed for peeing in the corner.  Look on it as a learning experience for your child to learn to clean up messes.  

That teen who feels you've ruined their life for taking away their phone needs to know that you love them and won't yell back during times of disrespect, that you love them too much to engage in a yelling match.  But, after the issue has settled down you are welcome to circle back to let them know that you love them too much to let them treat people badly and they need to make that up to you.  The older the child, the longer this time between emotion and repair can take.  

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Meltdowns and Tantrums By Age!

9/19/2019

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Meltdowns
Sometimes our kids just melt and it is not from the summer heat.  :)  It can be at the most inopportune times and might make us want to pull out our hair.  Here are a few ideas of what a parent might do based on age.  I hope it helps!

Toddler Melt
These adorable, amazing creatures are the ones with the fewest skills so their meltdowns are from the heart, body and soul.  They just encompass their whole being and, boy, that can be tough!  You're in the mall and the distress of putting them back in the stroller can just set them off.  The thing to remember is this child only has a few skills to use on you:  crying, screaming, kicking, biting, and acting like a wet noodle while doing one or more of the other behaviors.  

What to do?  Yep, you've guessed what I'm going to say, KEEP CALM by going BRAIN DEAD.  It's not about you, it's about the kid who has no skills to communicate their displeasure.  You might be a target of anger but you need to let them burn off their steam.  It might be embarrassing and annoying but you losing it by yelling and screaming will only make it all worse.  Taking a deep breath and saying:  "This is soooo sad."  and "I knoooooow."  are all possible words to use.  Don't give in to get the crying over,  just let the crying and such come while keeping yourself safe from kicking and biting.  Empathy and love is what is needed no matter how undeserving your child might seem at the time.  

Elementary Melt
This can be similar to the classic Toddler Melt but the kids have more skills and can grab our hearts and tug really hard to make us give in and/or lose our lids.   Kids melt when they feel things are beyond them -- piano is hard, math is hard, putting things in their backpack is hard, their best friend won't play with them, they can't watch a video on your phone, whatever.  They will still cry and melt the same as a toddler and no longer go into wet-noodle mode but you apply the same strategy -- go BRAIN DEAD!  Their brains are firing on all cylinders so make sure you don't get involved until AFTER their emotions calm down.  Give them EMPATHY and LOVE, not yelling and telling.  You can use PROBLEM SOLVING after the emotions pass but please, please wait until the emotions pass before trying to get solutions into the mix.

Teen Melt
As our kids get older their skills and emotions get more and more in check so when a melt down happens it's serious heart wrenching stuff.  Yikes!  It might be about a friendship breakup, loss of a computer game or a "bad" grade on a test.  They'll feel like failures, betrayed, and deeply hurt.  For some teens when their hormones are raging these meltdowns might happen more than others but the strategy is still the same... make sure YOU go BRAIN DEAD!  Please don't react and try to control the emotions.  Unconditional love during hard times is what teens need, not solutions.  Give them hugs,  say things like "I knoooooow" or "That must be hard."

The bottom line of all this?  Although it's tough to remain calm, it's really essential that in the worst of times our kids know we are there for them in a loving and empathetic way.   Those of you who can nurture that when your kids are young and allow your kids to trust that you will be there even during a meltdown will have teens who trust you and want to have a relationship with you.   
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Electronics and Summer Time Fun

6/3/2019

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This summer many parents will deal with kids whining and begging for more screen time.  Ugh!  What a dud of a summer issue to deal with.  Well,  let's figure out some strategies so we can all make it through in one piece.

1 - FAMILY MEETING
First, make a plan!  Yep, sit your adorable family down for a FAMILY MEETING.  Decide together what the screen time limits will be this summer -- what days, what time of day, what length of time, who gets things first or second, etc.  Decide as many things as you can think of.  If you have different age kids,  it's ok to differentiate the limits.  Now, once you have that, discuss the CONSEQUENCES for poor decisions  about breaking the agreed upon rules.  You should write all of these out and post them in a public place.  As you go through the summer do another FAMILY MEETING to check in on how the rules are going and make adjustments as needed.  It's great to model for your family how rules can evolve!

2 - ENERGY DRAIN
Second,  remember that one of our Love and Logic® concepts is ENERGY DRAIN.  Doesn't it drain your energy to repeatedly hear the same requests for things you've already said no to?  For going beyond screen time limits that the family has agreed on already?  With Energy Drain you can simply put a smile on your face and get some chores or other activities done instead of getting mad.  Need the windows washed?  Weeds pulled?  Or maybe a foot massage or the porch swept?  That's what energy replacement is all about, it's "you drain me... you need to fill me up again..."  

Just remember that the chores or tasks they perform to put energy back in you are not their normal chores,  they are extra.  For energy replacement ideas look at the list on my website: HERE.  Keep in mind that Energy Drains can be incorporated into the consequences portion of your Family Meeting document in Step 1 above. 

3 - EMPATHY
Lastly, when our kids start coming at us with "I'm bored" and "There's nothing to do" and possibly start fighting with siblings,  it's really helpful to remember one fundamental skill  -- EMPATHY.  Give them lots of love and empathy when they are complaining about being bored.  Don't engage in their whining, just love them and use our Brain Dead one liner: "I knooooooow."  Let them know you're confident they will figure something out. 
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Power to Change

3/4/2019

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I've been inspired recently by the amazing parents who've come to my lectures and classes and wanted to take a chance to brag on a few of them.  We all have the power to change how we interact with our children and these parents took amazing steps using new found parenting powers.  Hats off to them!

Parent #1 - Turkey Sandwich Trick
I was so inspired to use these new approaches on my kids that I could not wait. I picked my 4 year old up from daycare and it was time for lunch so I gave him his lunch box. He opened it and started throwing a fit in his  car seat.  I looked at him in my mirror but did not say a word yet .. he continued to say "I told you no turkey. I don’t like it!!!" Instead of my normal response which would have been something like "You do like turkey!  Eat your dang lunch!",  I used a calm voice "I’m sorry."   He was so surprised! He had a confused look on his face and he said it again,  "I Don’t like turkey!"  I said. "I’m sorry." He stopped and said, "Okay, but I do like my cheese."

Parent #2 - Teeth Brushing and Walking Fun
I applied what you taught the other night and the results are phenomenal. Last night we had fun brushing teeth and got to bed quickly without me nagging. And this morning we got out of the house 30 minutes earlier than usual. She walked backward to the car and jumped off once we got to school. I’m so amazed that all those techniques work instantly.  

Parent #3 - Birthday Cake Blues
My birthday was on Monday night. We all celebrated with birthday cake. Yum. After, my kids wanted a second piece, of course. Since it was too close to bedtime, the answer was no. They continued to ask. It was so wonderful to not get annoyed or firm with them but just continue to repeat, "What did I say?" or "I know....what did I say?" They finally gave up...

Parent #4 - Oatmeal Lover ... NOT!
When we put our girls to bed last week they kept coming downstairs, complaining etc. I said that that's ok but Mummy serves cereals only to the girls that go to bed on time and without complaining. They had oatmeal for breakfast which was annoying for our older daughter. She complained and wouldn't eat it. I showed some empathy saying something like it's sad, I know you don't like oatmeal. Maybe tonight you will go to bed without any arguments and then you can have cereals for breakfast. In then end that morning she ate the oatmeal and on our way back home from school she said, "Sorry, mummy for last night."  She went to bed without a hitch the next night.  Yeah!  No oatmeal for her.  

Parent #5 - Computer Caper
My boys were both playing a game together.  It had been so frustrating battling every day as to when they get off their game and come to dinner. After class,  I asked the boys how much time they needed before dinner to get off their game.  They said 15 minutes.  I took it and set a timer.  DING!  It went off in a flash.  "Boys, time to get off."  "But mom... we're not done!  We gotta level up or we'll lose everything."  "I know... this is so sad..."  They stopped about 10 minutes later.  The next day when they wanted to play after their homework.  "Ohhhhh.... this is so sad... I let boys play games who get off when they agreed to get off.  Not today.  Maybe we can try again tomorrow."  A bit of whining ensued but I kept to bland statements and some what did I say.  The next day,  DING, they got off right away.  We added a 10 minute timer to the mix to help them get off in 15.  So fun!


The changes we make to our routines can be subtle but our kids will feel it.  Initially they might be resistant and ungrateful but, believe me, the power you gain in your parenting from experimenting like these parents have will get you through your parenting without losing your mind.  
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To Quit or Not to Quit

2/1/2019

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It seems that every parent has to cross the threshold of their child wanting to quit an activity.  It could be piano, basketball, soccer, violin, clarinet, tutoring, gymnastics, karate, whatever.  Sometimes it's just private lessons that only impact your child while other times it's quitting a team which adds a whole other dimension of problems and guilt.
I just want to start out saying that the reason this is so tough is because there IS NO RIGHT ANSWER.  Yep,  you really have to take lots of things into consideration, it's not a one-stop-shop.  Here are few things that I considered when my boys wanted to quit piano when they were in elementary school:
  • How miserable is your child and/or your family with the whining and complaining?
    • Yes, I'm being totally honest.  This was a hot button for me.  Every week we had to nudge and cajole our kids to practice before the next lesson.  My one son loved his instructor but never wanted to practice.  It's good not to give up too quickly since sometimes a child struggles when things get harder and they really can push through and get to a better place.  However, sometimes it is a true lack of interest, talent or there are other competing issues.  After a year of whining we agreed we had had enough.  Some families might switch instructors, use rewards, modify schedules for breaks or practice and that works for them.  I tried many of those things but they didn't last long.  Don't give up just because I did on piano, but think about it.  (The happy ending was that when both our kids got to middle and and high school they both knew enough music to do really fun things with it. )
  • Who chose the activity in the first place?
    • In my case, it was me who really wanted the lessons, something I never got as a kid.   My boys were ok signing up for lessons when we started,  they were even excited.  
  • Is there a natural stopping point to exit gracefully?
    • In sports there is often a team that your child will be disappointing if they quit mid-season.  In our case, we didn't have a team, just our son.  We figured out a good time to quit and just quietly ended the lessons.  Later on in high school our son wanted to quit band in the middle of a season.  Ouch.  That was a tough one.  After meeting with the director and discussing things with lots of emotion and anguish, we agreed that, although it was a hard decision for him to make, one that had lots of consequences, he could live with it.  Having loving people around you when decisions are hard is what being a good parent is all about, that was the role my husband and I played.  EMPATHY is the best tool at times like these.  
  • When one ends, choose another
    • I love it when a family agrees to end one activity and as part of the brainstorming they allow and/or help the child pick a new activity to try.  Be careful not to let your child give up activities only to replace them with electronics or other sedentary activities.  In my house the boys got to choose their activities but they had to choose something, not nothing (aka electronics).  

I use my piano story here but want to let you know that it wasn't my only parenting journey into lessons that involved quitting or moving on.  I had a star soccer player who, after investing in goalie lessons in addition to club teams and such, decided he wanted to play basketball.  No problem,  we moved on to basketball school teams and club teams in addition to shooting lessons.  It worked!  He was great!  But then he went off to college and now he's totally hooked on rock climbing and never picks up a basketball.  What's the theme?  He's active and athletic.  Yeah!  He does play electronics but at least he has the bigger picture of taking care of his health and he truly enjoys being active.  

It was worth all those lessons and all that whining.  He wasn't a quitter,  he was exploring life and we helped him on his journey by brain storming and problem solving these issues when we came upon them.  It wasn't always easy but life wasn't meant to be.

Oh yeah, by the way,  he now has started music lessons and invested in a keyboard and guitar using his own time and money, not mine.  Amazing!  

If you'd like another thoughtful article to read on this subject try this one by Katy Abel on the FamilyEducation website:

QUITTING ARTICLE
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