EMPATHY is key to providing and creating a loving environment in our homes.  However,  most of us also know it is one of the hardest things to do when we are crazed by our children and their poor decisions and choices. 

Who can possibly be calm when you've...

• just asked your child to pick up their toys for the 10th time?
• seen the homework that was due yesterday in their backpack?
• catch them on YouTube when they're supposed to be using their computer for "homework"?
• they've lost their jacket for the umpteenth time?
• they've stayed out too late with their friends and didn't call you or text you?

Ugh!  All of those situations and hundreds more just make our blood boil, don't they?  We want to yell, scream and pull our hair out.  But... we all need the big EMPATHY reminder card, don't we?  It's EMPATHY that will bring love into our households and allow us to lovingly give either consequences or allow natural consequences to sink in all on their own.  We don't have to the the "bad guy" at all if we remember our EMPATHY.  Let's try it out on the examples above:

• Not obeying the first time:  
  • Wow, this is sooooo sad, it looks like Mommy will be picking up toys.  No problem,  Mommy keeps the toys that she picks up.  I love you so much.
  •   Then you pick up the toys WITHOUT nagging and complaining and just put them away.
  • Your child could moan, complain and have a tantrum but you keep CALM, go BRAINDEAD and use EMPATHY to let them know that it sure is a bummer.  "I know..." is a classic line to use at this point.  
• Missing homework:
  • Wow, this is soooo sad, it looks like this is your homework due yesterday.  What a bummer.  What do you think you're going to do about that?
  • Then you use the PROBLEM SOLVING technique to ask them if they'd like some suggestions.  Feel free to give them more EMPATHY if they decide to either solve or NOT solve their issue.  Give them love and let them know you are sure they can handle it and you are here if they'd like some help.   
• Electronics mis-use:
  • Hmmm... I can see that you're being challenged with using your electronics.  This is soooo sad.  I'm going to have to do something about that.  I love you.  I'm sure we'll be able to think of a solution.  
  • Then you're best to have a FAMILY MEETING to see if you can brainstorm some ideas about how to as a family solve electronics problems.  This won't be easy in some families but if you never try then things will typically only get worse.  If you can lovingly set up an electronics contract that allows the kids some control over their time while allowing everyone to know the consequences then you won't be the bad guy, the contract will especially if the kids decide what the punishment is!

I don't want this blog to get too long so I'll stop there but giving the EMPATHY in one liners like "This is sooooo sad" or "What a bummer" and restraining ourselves from giving the "I told you so" and very un-loving badgering that we tend to do really will bring love back into our families.  

Why is it that some siblings just can't seem to stop picking at each other? If it isn't arguing over a toy then it's something as trivial as how one looks at the other. "Stop staring at me!" was a classic from my childhood.

What to do as the parent is the REAL question though! The tone you set in your home with sibling spat will ultimately define you. Here are some ideas to help you out.

#1 - STAY CALM
You knew that was coming, didn't you? Yep, you have stay calm no matter what. If you yell, you are just giving in to the stress and conflict that are brewing, a recipe for disaster and frustration.

#2 - KEEP OUT OF IT
You should let your kids try to solve their own relationship issue. Step in only when there is danger or physical harm.

#3 - DON'T TAKE SIDES
If you do have to get involved, you need to stay unbiased, no need to figure out "who caused it". The main thing to keep in mind is that it takes "two to tangle" so dealing with both kids equally should be your course of action.

#4 - USE ENERGY DRAIN
Just like whining, sibling rivalry surely drains energy in a household. Ugh! Does it ever! Start by handing out a good does of EMPATHY:
"Gosh, all that arguing is really draining my energy. This is so sad."
Then deliver the ENERGY DRAIN consequence:
"I guess you two will have to figure out how to put energy back in me. How about taking a look at the list on the fridge? Let me know which one you each decide."
The trick with Energy Drains and sibling spats is to just give them, don't start taking sides or anything, just hand out the consequences and follow through. Feel free to be too drained to make dinner or drive kids to their soccer practices. ;)
If you need a list of ideas look on my website under "Parent Resources".

#5 - SEPARATION
If the kids are angry and out of control feel free to separate them until they cool off:
"Wow, this is so sad. It really looks like you two need some time to cool off. Go ahead to your rooms and come out when you're feeling better."
You'll still be using #4 above after they cool off but feel free to get them calm first.

​#6 - FAMILY MEETING AND BRAINSTORMING
This is the WOW in being a family if you ask me -- solving problems and modeling how to do that with your kids. After everyone is calm and at a time in the future, Sunday nights might be a good time, hold a Family Meeting and talk about ways to communicate and avoid sibling conflicts. If your kids are always fighting about Legos, you'd maybe set up some structure for who gets to use which ones first on a rotating basis. If one kid is taking too long in the bathroom, set up parameters for that. If one kid is staring at the other just to piss the other one off, feel free to role play how they might interact differently.

One last thought about Family Meetings is that you shouldn't just have one, have another a week later to check in to see if there is more tweaking that can be done. I often coach families to use Family Meetings to solve other problems like getting out the door in the morning or setting up bedtime routines.

Here's also a nice article I found on Sibling Rivalry
http://kidshealth.org/en/parents/sibling-rivalry.html#

When I think of the word "tantrum" it brings to mind a toddler.  Does it for you?  However, as I've learned over the years tantrums and meltdowns aren't limited to those under the age of 4. Have you noticed that too?

Toddler tantrums might involve crying, screaming, hitting, even biting.  But how about elementary age kids?  Mostly the crying and screaming part, maybe add in calling us bad names.  When kids get to middle and high school they should be mature enough not to melt down, right?  Wrong!  They are just as likely to fall apart as a two year old, we just can't pick them up and haul them out of the store and, thank goodness,  they do tend to do it at home, not in public.  Whew!

The real problem isn't that our kids are losing control,  its that they make US lose control too!  Oh my... now that's a problem, right?    Those emotional bombs that they lob our way hit us hard!  What can we do to keep calm and loving in the midst of such trials in our parenthood?  

#1 - Remember tantrums are not about us!  
Yep,  the tantrum is your child's inability to process and deal with disappointment, lack of control or maybe some fear they are having.  It's THEIR tantrum, let them have it. Their emotions need to be let out somehow, be the adult, don't react.  Keep in mind that your kid, no matter their age, doesn't have the adult skills to hold in their emotions so don't take offense. 

#2 - Go BRAIN DEAD!
Ah ha!  You need to STOP talking, STOP advising, STOP yelling and STOP getting mad at them for being out of control.  You stay in control by zipping your lips.  Don't say anything,  especially if you are feeling emotional.  If they start yelling and wanting to get you all upset by saying mean things, feel free to use "brain dead" phrases like: 

• I knowwwwwww.... 
• That's a bummer....
• Hmmm.... 

The secret is to say almost NOTHING so they can't throw your words back at you.... something short and simple or just a grunt will do.  Oh yes,  don't forget that you can walk away if things are rough.  

#3 - Give EMPATHY
Even though it's hard to do,  your kids really need love during a tantrum and empathy helps deliver that.  Sometimes you'll need to wait for some of the emotion to die down so your child can hear your empathy, be patient.  You can use empathetic phrases like: 

• I'm so sorry that your friend hurt your feelings.  I can tell it really upsets you.
• I know you want your dessert right now but we have to have dinner first.
• It's so sad when your sister yelled out all the answers to the game we were playing.  That doesn't seem fair, does it?
• I'm so sorry that your team lost the tournament.  I know you worked really hard.
• It must be really frustrating to do all that work on your assignment and not get the grade on it that you expected.  

Don't forget that hugs are welcome empathetic calming tools as well.  :)

#4 - Problem Solve
When the main part of the tantrum has passed away, which might be an hour but it could be days later, calmly revisit the situation.  The idea is to see if you can help your child come up with a solution to avoid the trauma the next time when a similar situation arises.  It is super healthy to model this type of problem solving!  There are several steps to problem solving but one of the main ones is to ASK your child if they'd like to hear some ideas.  Sometimes your child will say no, don't push.  Keep waiting until the right moment of calm comes into your lives.  In my talks that I give I call this "seize the moment" where you take the spotlight off them, create a fun diversion so they let their guard down and then it opens up their hearts and minds to talk about what is hurting them.  

• If feelings were hurt you can brainstorm about what your child's reaction might be next time.
• If something unexpected like not getting dessert happens you chat about realistic expectations for family food times.
• If poor sportsmanship happens help your child come up with ideas of how to handle rule-breakers in the future.
• If your child loses either academically or athletically, talk about healthy ways to handle those emotions.  

One dad had a brave story to tell of how to let his young son make decisions and live with the consequences. It was a bit nerve racking but this dad did it! 
===================

I got to use the skills in the car ride home, after I had asked my son, 4 years old, if he needed to go potty before we left an event we were at. He said no, as usual. But 500 feet after leaving in the van, he said he had to go potty really bad.

This was a challenging moment to work in some natural consequences. I wondered if I was willing to clean up the mess if he didn't make it – realistically, about 20 minutes. It would have not been much hassle to turn around and let him go in the church restrooms.

Staying calm, I told him I'd look for a place that he could go potty, but that there were none around and he'd probably have to hold it. I gave him some words of encouragement. "You can do it, pal." I did this a couple times, but mainly practiced my brain dead responses to his painful squawks, which were designed to communicate this was it! …That he just couldn't hold it anymore!

I certainly was feeling empathy for him. Man, that's not comfortable. But this is a pattern for him. He loves to say he doesn't have to go and gets himself into these situations.

It was an interesting 20 minutes. He made it just fine. It was good for me not to get sucked into his drama, and drive calmly toward home. I really don't know if he learned a lesson this time, but I'm sure in those harrowing moments, or in the bathroom at home, some thoughts fired.
===================

When we helicopter our kids when they make poor decisions (not going to the bathroom) the kids really don't learn any decision making skills when we allow them to change their minds at the drop of a hat (turning the car around). I don't want you to think this is harsh, it works the same if your kid says they aren't cold and won't take a coat with them or they aren't hungry when dinner comes. As long as the situation isn't life threatening (unaffordable) we as parents need to restraint from making our kids lives perfect just because we know better.

When a teenage daughter was getting ready to go off to the football game one Friday evening she was dressed in the typical fashion of a 15 year old -- tank top, short-shorts, flip flops. As her friend's parents came to pick her up she yelled "Bye mom and dad!" as she ran out the door.

About an hour later the parents had settled in to watching a DVD and relaxing at home. Their phone rang. "Mom, I am freezing! I need you to bring me my jacket. It's getting colder and there's still the second half to go."

Her mom had just started a Parenting the Love and Logic Way® class and decided to "experiment" with empathy and celebrating a poor decision. Mom said in her most empathetic voice, "Oh, that is such a bummer. It is really cold tonight. I'm so sorry but your dad and I are busy."

Her daughter couldn't believe what she was hearing. Her mom ALWAYS dropped everything and ran to her rescue. "But mom, I'm so cold! I really need a sweater." Her daughter complained. Mom kept firm in her desire to complete her experiment. "I know." She said with EMPATHY again. She did feel bad for her daughter and she could start lecturing her about how she should have taken her sweater, but she refrained from her old habits. Mom calmly said, "I'm sure you'll think of something and the game won't be but another hour. I'll look forward to seeing you when you get home. We can have hot chocolate when you get here." With that her daughter huffed and hung up the phone.

Later that evening, her daughter got home. Mom skipped lecturing and just let her daughter's poor choice settle in. It wasn't mom's problem to fix or think about.

The next Friday came and another football game was up. Mom was to drive the carpool this time. As they went to go get in the car mom noticed her daughter had a sweater in her hand.

Yes! Mom celebrated! Her experiment worked! Not nagging, not rescuing and not lecturing worked and her empathetic attitude allowed all of the learning to take place.

Congrats Mom!