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There’s nothing more gross in my mind than sitting and eating with an adult who eats with their mouth open. I had a colleague at work years ago who did it so often it was talked about behind his back and some people avoided having lunch with him.  Yikes!  He was in his late twenties!  I think we all fear that our kids will grow into such food spewing adults who are avoided like the plague but, what do we do?  Some of you have kids who are already tweens or teens which makes the challenge harder but, in this blog post, we’ll go over some ideas on how you can do a course correction no matter what the age.
 
I do have to start out saying that, like just about every parenting issue, the earlier you start the easier things will be in the long run.  Preschool is a great time to start manners training but don’t be discouraged if you have older kids. 

 1 – Talk about it. 
Communicating with your family expectations about any activity you do is really key so put chewing food into that same category.  It’s a Life Skill you need to teach.  You need to explain the both why they need to chew with mouths closed and what that looks like so that everyone is on the same page. 
You can have small discussions with just one child during a meal or, if you feel you haven’t been clear with your entire family, then have a Family Meeting and talk about chewing manners.  Here are some ideas in how to approach chewing food. 
 

• Start with BASIC SKILLS: Some kids shove too much food in their mouths so practice taking small bites.  Go over what sized pieces are expected for different types of foods.  Include examples of foods you grab with your hands like pizza and apples vs. a bowl of cereal or pasta.  You could give everyone a knife and have them cut whatever it is into bite-sized pieces to make sure the learning is going well. 


• Next, include some FUN AND GAMES: You can play games where kids earn points, be creative and a little crazy.  When you have fun, learning can really settle in without being a burden.
  • Make a game out of cutting up food into the right bite-sized pieces, use a ruler or other marking system on plates to figure it out
  • How about chewing so many times before swallowing – 5 chews, 10 chews, set different numbers and get feedback to find the ideal number as a family
  • Or, use a timer for keeping track of chewing with the mouth closed for a certain amount of time. Little kids love setting timers so let them set away for each other!  Keep score.
  • You could be brave and have kids purposely try to talk with food in their mouths while they try to hide the food from being seen by others.  See how much food that is, keep track of the sizes that each kid can successfully hide and talk or say some silly nursery rhyme.   
  • You could also do the opposite of trying to hide the food by having everyone stuff a bit too much food in their mouths and try to talk, maybe you’d want to do this at a picnic table in your backyard since it might get messy.  You also want to make sure no one chokes on it by overdoing it so please be careful if you decide to go this route. 
  • I think you get the idea of chewing games so let’s move on. 
    
    
• You can use USE BOOKS: There are actually books to read for younger kids that can help!  Two favorites for toddlers and preschoolers seem to be “How Dinosaurs Eat Their Food” and “Dinner with Olivia”. 
  
  
• Now, my favorite, SET UP SIGNALS: Those of you who follow my podcasts have heard of other examples of setting up signals in your home for things like anger issues.  I love them!  In this case, once you have the basics down decide with your family what signal you all could use when someone is chewing with their mouth open.  It’s wearing on us all to keep saying things verbally like: “Ann, please chew with your mouth closed.” We start out patient and loving but sometimes it pushes us over the edge and we get triggered and wind up with something like: “If you don’t stop chewing with your mouth open, you’re going to your room!”.  So, what signal could you use?  Here are some ideas but keep in mind that choosing as a family is going to be most effective so use these just as idea starters.  
  • You could tap your fork on your plate gently once for child #1, twice for child #2, etc. 
  • Or maybe you tap your hand on the top of your head or tap your nose.  
  • You could also just do something simple like putting your hand over your mouth.
  • Have a small stuffed animal sitting at the table that gets passed to the person needing reminding.
     
• Whatever you do, CONSISTENCY is super key: Once you’ve communicated and agreed as a family what eating habits are acceptable it’s really important that you follow through.  This will take time and it will be repetitive but you need to keep it loving and kind in addition to being consistent.  Do not give up!
  
  
• Now, for the harder part, having CONSEQUENCES: What do you do if things just aren’t working out for one of your kids?  Maybe you have an older child and they’re just being defiant or spiteful.  Whether your child is young or old you need to agree that there will be consequences for poor eating behaviors.  Possible options include removing the child from the dinner table, making them eat alone or taking away a fun toy or activity.  Listen to my podcast #10 if you need help setting up effective and loving consequences.  You might also listen to my last podcast #51 about dealing with kids who drain your energy if the issue persists.
  
  
• Lastly, there could be MEDICAL ISSUES involved:  I don’t want to leave this topic without covering one more thing about chewing and open mouths.  Some kids have real breathing issues that make it difficult to chew.  They could have overgrown adenoids or tonsils, inflammation of the epiglottis or a throat infection that interfere with chewing.  Toddlers and preschoolers probably fall into this more than older kids but have your pediatrician take a look.
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I hope you found this discussion useful and hopefully you can see how a lot of these can be applied to any table manners you’re struggling with – using utensils, leaning back on chairs, reaching too far across the table and spilling things, not clearing the table, whatever.  You need to establish some family guidelines and then follow through in a loving manner. 

In this blog I’m going to continue our quest to teach manners to our children.  We’ve already covered “please” in Podcast 47 and explored how to encourage acts of kindness in Podcast 48.  Now it’s time to figure out how to get our kids to say “thank you” and how to help develop a general sense of appreciation for not only “things” but also training them in thankfulness help to promote an “attitude of gratitude”.

THANK YOU
As I said previously, getting our kids to use “Thank You” is tougher than “please”.  Why is that?  Because it happens AFTER something, not before like “please”.  It’s easy for a kid to just forget and hard for us to not feel like we’re nagging to get them to do the thanking we expect them to do.  It means we have to work a bit harder to get the response we want.
 
Let’s start with some ideas for you to ponder.
 
First, Start Early:
Even a baby can be taught to say thank you using sign language which I total admire folks who are able to start that young.  However, most of you listening probably have older kids so just start your “thank you” training as soon as you can.  What this really involves is training yourself, something that can be difficult for some of us, but every time you give something to one of your kids, stop and wait for a thank you.  Don’t do anything else until you get a thank you.  No nagging, just wait. 

You can gently and empathetically prompt them with one of these phrases if it’s not obvious to your child what you’re waiting for.  Something like:

• And what do you say?
• In our house we say what when someone does something for us?
• I’d love to hear that “thank you” in your sweet voice.  It really fills me up when I’ve done something for you. 

Notice the tone of my voice.  It’s gentle. It’s loving.  Practice that tone.

When you hear your kids getting help from someone else instead of yourself, feel free to gently use similar phrases.

• And what do we say to a friend who helps us? 
• And what do we say when brother helps you?

I think you get the idea.
 
Next, Be Consistent:
When we want to set up a new skill, we have to remember to use it A LOT!  Feel free to have a Family Meeting and talk about thanks – why we use it and how it makes us feel when it is used.  Let your kids know you’ll be making an effort to help the family use “thanks” every day and in every way.  They might get tired of hearing you gently remind them but you need to respond to their gripes with kindness and empathy.  “Oh, I know, it does take extra time to thank people but, in our family, we are thankful every day.  Do you need a minute to gather your thoughts?”
Notice again my tone. 

Lastly, Give Praise for Thankfulness:
A simple response from us as parents can help reinforce positive behavior.  Here’s an idea, after a child uses “thank you” say:

• I loved how you said “thanks”.  It warms my heart. 
• I really appreciate that. 

I know, it almost sounds like you’re thanking your child for thanking you but, hey, we need to be positive and, for me at least, it does warm my heart. 
 
FAMILY THANKING EVENTS
In all of our families there are times when we should be thankful.  Here are some ideas that come to mind that hopefully you can weave into your family’s DNA:

Dinner Thank Yous: At each dinner as a family have everyone say three thankfuls.  Why three?  I think our kids often just say something quick to get rid of the “task” at the dinner table so have categories of thanks for them to use.  They can even help pick the categories to make it more appealing.  One idea might be: something inside the house, something outside the house and something inside our hearts.  Or, something at home, at school and at a friend’s house.  Maybe: someone in your family, a friend nearby and a relative.  
Come up with a creative list and try it out.  Change it up over time!  Change it with the season.  Whatever you can to keep thankfulness examples alive in your home. 
Bedtime Blessings

If your family is a bit crazy at dinner time, nighttime might be a good alternative for setting up a routine of thankfulness.  It is usually a sweet time of day to pause and ask for thankfuls as the kids are cuddling into bed, maybe after books.  You can use the same category idea if you want or keep it simple.  Again, being consistent will help.
 
Thank You Notes for Gifts: Writing thank yous for gifts our children receive is excellent training for practicing thankfulness. 

When my boys were young, even 3 or 4, I would have them write or draw thank yous for both birthday and Christmas presents.  I participated a lot when they were that young but as they got older, we moved on to where they not only wrote the cards but they got out the supplies and wrote the envelopes and put stamps on and put them in the mailbox.  Now a days that might be all old fashioned so if you’re family and friends accept email thank yous, that’s fine, but the really important part is setting up the practice a routine of: “I get gifts. I am thankful. I thank the people who were so thoughtful to think of me.” 

Do something and do it EVERY time.  One parent I know used to only let their child open a present if they’d already addressed the Thank You to the relative or friend.  Some other families write a list of gifts on a notepad as they are opened so there’s an easy way to know what came from whom after all the unwrapping is over. They use that list to make their cards. 

Making Manners Fun
Now that we’ve got some ideas of the basics, let’s see what else we can add that might help us have fun with being thankful in our homes.

FANCY DINNER
One idea is really cool and I’d love to hear from you if you try it!  I’d even be up for being invited to a dinner with your family if you’re in the Bay Area in California. Here’s the idea: have your family can stage a “fancy dinner” night where all good manners are overtly discussed and practiced.  Get out the candles and the fancy table cloth (assuming it’s easily washable) and try it.  Show them how they ask politely for food using “please” and to say “thank you” when someone passes them something.  Give LOTS of praise too! 

It’s so fun to go overboard and even have them pull out their chairs quietly and clear the table with a smile before being served some fancy dessert.  Make it fun!  Dress up in fancy clothes or have a color theme.  It’s great to include a round of “What am I thankful for” at the same time.  Maybe you can sneak in some lessons in how to use utensils politely or where the utensils are supposed to go around their plate.  Make it feel like a 5-star event!  Bottomline, have a bunch of fun exaggerating.  Kids usually love that.
 
FAMILY MEETINGS
Moving on, if the Fancy Dinner idea wouldn’t work for your family for thankfulness training at mealtimes, maybe you have uncooperative teens who think you are totally weird, you should have a Family Meeting, you know how I love those, to talk about other ways in which you can improve on manners either at the table or anywhere else in life. 
 
MODELING
Bottomline, it starts with you!  Make sure you’re modeling thoughtful, kind manners yourself.  Our kids are little imitators who grow up into big imitators so being on the right page yourself will help. 
 

​Many of us struggle with kids who whine, disobey and maybe even lie just to get their way.  We get so exasperated we want to explode and some of us certainly do explode.  Our buttons are pushed and we just don’t know what to do.  In this podcast we’ll explore what happens in our families if we’re always operating in “crisis mode” then talk about ways to avoid ever getting into that mode by using Family Meetings to set boundaries and limits while communicating as a family what behaviors are acceptable and expected. 

WHAT BOUNDARIES ARE BEING EXCEEDED IN YOUR HOME?

Let’s start off with the obvious list of which parenting traps you might be falling into:

WHINING
Do your kids wear you down with whining until you either explode or give in?  It works often enough for the kid that they keep doing it over and over.  Do they want another cookie?  Or maybe to interrupt you on a phone call? 

NAGGING
Does your child ignore your requests so you then proceed to nag them into compliance? Every time we remind, we’re training them that what we say doesn’t mean a thing. 

LYING
Has your child told you a lie in order to get their way?  “No, I didn’t hit Jimmy.” Or “I still have 15 minutes left of computer time” when you know they’ve had more than their fill?

TOO MANY RULES
Are you good about setting up lots of rules but your kids are always ignoring them?  Or are you a Drill Sergeant who has lots of rules but get compliance from yelling and telling your kids what to do?  Often times kids will become defiant when too many rules are constantly enforced especially when they don’t agree with all the rules.

SHAMING
Do you use phrases to motivate your “lazy” or “dirty” kid to do things?  “What a slob!” “You smell like a pig, go take a shower!” “No one would want to be with you, you’re so stupid.”  “You are such a cry-baby.” “Why do you always break things?”

BRIBING
Or are you a parent who gets compliance with money or other currency like computer time?  You tell your child if they do their chores, they get money.  If they clean their room, they get computer time. I’m all in for having levers and knowing our kids’ currency but I want to put such a valuable commodity to better use.
In all of these circumstances we’re reacting to our kids without a thoughtful plan and easily become overwhelmed and often irritated.  I was working with a family last week and the mom was just so frazzled having her 4 kids, ages 3 to 11, home all summer.  She felt her kids just totally ignored her.  It was pretty much mayhem and every day seemed like a bad day.  Just going to the pool for what should have been a fun time swimming wound up being a struggle from getting into the car to the pool and back. 

So, fine, we’ll all admit that we’re weak in at least one or two of those areas.  Ok?  Now what? 

BOUNDARIES – What do they look like?

First, let’s recognize what a boundary might look like since we all need to understand the basics of setting good boundaries. As we do this, I want to point out that we want to keep things as positive as possible.  We have so much negativity that creeps into our homes, we want to keep our limits positive and simple. 

• I read books to kids who have brushed their teeth.
• I wash clothes that are in the hamper.
• I drive kids to soccer practice who have all their gear. 
• I serve dinner to kids who’ve washed their hands.
• I drive when everyone is buckled in their seats.
• 
  
  
  

I think you can all guess what the negative approaches sound like and how they cause us to not only create negative energy but we often stumble into fighting and arguing with our kids as well creating even more of the negative vibes that we want to avoid.  

CONSEQUENCES
We have to be true to our word when setting our boundaries.  When we say “I wash clothes that are in the hamper.”  We need to make sure we only wash clothes in the hamper.  Yes, even if clothes are lying all across your teen’s room and you know they need their workout clothes for tomorrow, you have to be willing to leave them where they are and not touch them.  If you do, you just violated your boundary and have lost your leverage. 
 
CONSEQUENCES NOT WORKING
Ok, we all understand the basics of “setting a boundary” and “following through on consequences”.  It seems so easy but what happens when you know you have rules and everyone is ignoring them so often and so much that you’re worn out and frazzled like our swimming pool mom?  You are ready to cry and run out of the house it’s so bad? 

You need to bring out the big guns.  You need some real brain power to solve issues like these and you’re going to recruit your family’s brains to help make that happen.  As parents we often feel we’re on the hook to solve every problem.  It’s totally not fair and it’s not good for the development of our kids to leave them out of these amazing opportunities to solve big interpersonal problems and learn to work as a team.  What’s the “big gun”?  It’s called a Family Meeting.

Here’s how a Family Meeting will work.  First, decide on just one area of your family life that is either easiest in your mind to make progress on or the one that dives you the craziest.  In our example the mom decided to just focus on going to the neighborhood swimming pool but for you it could be kids picking up toys or getting off electronics, cleaning their rooms, whatever it is, you just take one and work on it first.  We need to start somewhere and trying to overhaul everything and none of it working just makes us feel like failures and we give up so let’s not do that.
 
Step 1: SET THE MEETING
You’re going to announce to your family that tonight you’re having a Family Meeting at a particular time like after dinner. Explain that you need help in solving an issue and really want everyone to help brainstorm solutions.  You and your spouse might want to have a pre-meeting just to make sure you’re on the same page in selecting which topic will be worked on and maybe a general goal for the meeting. 

Step 2:  START THE MEETING, LIST THE ISSUE
Humbly admit that you are struggling and need your family as a team to come up with some possible solutions.  Ask one of your kids to be the secretary since there will be lots of ideas generated and you need someone to help keep track of them.  If your kids are too young to write yet, that’s fine, then you or your spouse could do it.  The idea here is to get them involved.  Set a positive tone by letting everyone know that no idea is a bad idea and all ideas will be considered, no disrespecting ideas since they are just ideas.  Tell everyone that you as a family will be selecting a few ideas to TRY for the next week and will be meeting again to go over the results and make modifications.  Tell them that this is not just mom or dad dictating this, you need lots of brainpower to solve this one.  Be the cheerleader for your family telling them they are awesome and as a team you can solve this one but you need everyone’s help.

Step 3: BRAINSTORM
Describe the issue and what is hard for you that you feel needs solving.  Things like getting kids to bed or getting off electronics aren’t just one step solutions so you need to list out the different parts you see that need to be worked out.  Open up the meeting for ideas from everyone.  Write all the ideas down.  Make sure there are ideas for consequences as well.  Your goal is to get the kids to decide the rules and consequences so that everything is known up front, that everyone is informed.  This will save you from having to make things up on the fly which often doesn’t go well. 

Step 4: SELECT IDEAS
Once the list is done select one or two ideas for each area to TRY.  Assign someone to make a poster or a list of what is going to be done.  Decide how long the first experiment will run and when the next meeting will be to go over results.

Step 5: EXPERIMENT
Run the experiment.  Don’t get mad if things don’t work out.  Have a place where people can submit things that aren’t working well so that you can keep track throughout the time period.

Step 6: REVIEW & REVISE
Hold your follow-up meeting and go over the results.  Be sure to give praise where things went well! Ask for new ideas to improve the process and possibly bring out the old list of ideas you didn’t use from your first meeting.  Keep holding this review/revise meetings until you work out all the kinks in the system. 
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Step 7: CELEBRATE!
Celebrate!  Take time to celebrate your family’s amazing ability to solve problems as a team!  You are all awesome and love each other!  Go out for ice cream or have a picnic in the park.  Do something!
 
Now that you have the steps, I was to show you how one mom solved her swimming pool issues using them. 

Step 1: SET THE MEETING
She announced that they were having a meeting to discuss how to better get to the swimming pool and back.

Step 2:  START THE MEETING, LIST THE ISSUE
She explained that she was tired of going to the pool when kids weren’t helping get ready.  There was always someone who couldn’t find their swimsuit or towel and things like water and snacks were always her job.  On the drive kids were unruly and when at the pool when someone broke the safety rules, they ignored the consequence since mom was too busy keeping the other kids safe, especially the 3-year-old.  What could they do?
Step 3: BRAINSTORM

Her oldest son, a 5th grader, took the notes.   They talked about what items were needed to bring to the pool each time.  They had ideas for which ones were problems and how to solve them.  Each kid could have a list of what all they needed or they could each pick one item to get – towels, bathing suits, water, snacks, sunscreen.  They also talked about safety at the pool and came up with consequences as to what would happen if someone didn’t follow the safety guidelines.  Her one son tended to be the one who disobeyed and would get out of the pool then sneak back into the water when mom wasn’t looking.  An idea that mom and I talked about was having each kid pack a “land bag” of things to do if they were made to be outside the pool so that it was a consequence to be out of the water but it wasn’t miserable.  She proposed that idea to the kids too.

Step 4: SELECT IDEAS
Next they talked about the different options and came up with a first pass.  The 3 older kids decided to pick an item – one got the waters, one the snacks, the other the towels.   They also decided to select one area in the house that all the swimming gear would be in – towels and swimsuits would all reside in the laundry room instead of all over the house.  They would each pack and carry their “land bags” to the pool.  For kids not obeying safety rules they decided on a 3-step approach – 1st offense was 10 minutes, then it got upped from there.

Step 5: EXPERIMENT
Mom proceeded to take her crew to the pool the next day to see how their new plan would work.  She was amazed at the huge improvement.  Her kids all brought their agreed upon items and the really cool part was when one of the kids started to stray or maybe forgot something, they could remind each other.  It wasn’t just mom vs. the kids!  It was a team!  Now that they all agreed on what was happening and knew what the process was, they could all own it.  Mom couldn’t have been prouder!

Step 6: REVIEW & REVISE
Mom was so impressed and so were the kids that the only modification that they added was to review the “pool contract” each time before going to the pool

Step 7: CELEBRATE!
Mom hasn’t celebrated yet but plans to!
 
As you can see from this family if you set this up right giving your kids a format where they have a voice and a choice, them feeling validated and heard can make everyone’s lives a lot easier.  These same kids are more invested in the rules if they help set them.  I’m not saying that parents should give in to any and all ideas their kids think up, you still can put limits on what they can request but a lot of the time we don’t care. 

I had another family who was refusing to let their daughters make GAK in their house, it’s that goopy, gooey glue kind of art gunk.  They felt it was way too messy.  They made a “no gak” rule and that’s the parent’s prerogative, of course.  However, one of their daughters was sneaking making gak.  Yikes!  That was worse than anything. 

I brainstormed some ideas during a coaching session with the parents to get them to dig down into what it really was they were looking for.  They just didn’t want the mess in the house.  Wow!  We live in California and they had a backyard.  Would they be willing to compromise with their daughters about setting up something out there?  They were also having a problem with their daughters taking laptops out in the yard which was a separate issue but they decided to have a meeting about both issues since they involved the outdoors. 

They held their first family meeting and agreed the girls could come up with a proposal of what it would take to set up an outdoor art station – what supplies, tables, etc. they might need.  They also agreed that the girls could take the laptops outside as long as they knew they’d be replacing them if they were damaged.  In the subsequent meetings they came up with a great solution that worked for everyone.  No more indoor gak and, as it turns out, it’s been months and neither daughter has brought a laptop outside since it seems they weren’t comfortable the cost of replacing one.  I love it!  They were no longer the mean parents who didn’t let them do stuff.  They were a team who solved problems and took responsibility. 

Mom and Dad were on a very long drive from Silicon Valley to Seattle for Spring Break. Their two kids were in the back of the car, freshman and middle schooler, fussing and arguing after many hours in the car. Mom was driving. Dad, having just learned new L&L skills, told his wife to pull off the freeway at the next exit. She didn't quite understand why but knew her husband really wanted her to pull off which she proceeded to do.

They pulled into the parking lot of a 7-11. He said, "I can tell mom is really having an Energy Drain with all the fussing and fighting you two are doing. I really think she needs an ice cream to be able to keep driving. I'll be right back." He went in and bought ONE ice cream, just for mom.

Mom enjoyed it immensely. The kids looked on enviously but knew not to beg for one. She then proceeded to drive to Seattle. The rest of the drive went on with no fussing and fighting.

I loved hearing this story since it reminded me that all it takes is pulling off a Training Session like this just ONCE and you can reap the benefits for a long time. This might not have been planned ahead of time but the way the Dad seized the opportunity was awesome.

Dad and Mom are also still giggling to themselves about how effective this was.

Yum!