Blog for parenting issues and techniques

PODCAST Episode 8: Night Time Battles - Teen Edition

3/28/2020

THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:    LISTEN

Today we’re going to talk about how to handle sleep for our tweens and teens and why sleep seems to be so difficult for them biologically and socially. I want to give you some ideas about how to react and manage both your expectations and theirs regarding this really essential part of their growing years. With the stresses in our environment today the impact of sleep on our mental health and immune system is super important for us to pay attention to so I hope these ideas will smooth out a few issues in your home. With that said, let’s dive in.

Teens and Tweens
When our kids reach high school but sometimes as early as middle school, we start fighting with them when to go to bed and they just don’t want to. They’re big now, they have voices and talk back. They can disrespect us and ignore us. They think they know better.   We’re often not the most trusted person in their lives even though some of us are lucky to still have close relationships at these ages.
There are a few complications that we need to be aware of:

Biological Differences
The first is biological. The teen body clock changes in puberty so that it no longer matches the one that we have as adults or the one they had as littler kids. Scientists don’t understand why but it’s certainly been proven to exist. Their circadian rhythm is shifted later by up to TWO hours. That’s way different and a big stressor to us all because although parents can feel an emotional difference at this stage many of us are clueless that there are also biological issues going against us too. Right now you might have heard of the push for later high school start times which is where this is coming from. If their bodies get to sleep later we can assume that they’d need to wake up later so shifting the start time could be really helpful from a biological standpoint.

Academic Pressures
We’ve heard said that kids in middle and high school need 9-10 hours a sleep a night and many aren’t getting anywhere close to that which stresses us parents out. Why aren’t they getting enough sleep?

For some who are in high academic environments it can be loads of homework and in addition extracurricular activities being piled on top so that our kids can be competitive when they apply to colleges. The stress of this college push starts earlier and earlier these days, for many by middle school but certainly by freshman year of high school. Kids putting extra classes or harder classes on their schedules often with huge homework and test requirements. AP classes are great to see on college apps. Everyone seems to think the more the better? Right?

In my opinion, not right. I think it’s great to offer challenging classes to students who are interested but to push our kids or to let them push themselves for the sake of a grade bump for AP classes they’re not even interested in just doesn’t make any sense. If you have a Math kid, AP Calc makes sense but not AP Lit or AP Spanish. If you a literary kid then AP English makes total sense but not AP Physics. All this extra pressure for areas of non-interest is robbing our kids of sleep as they try to keep up. Take the pressure off and encourage your kids to focus on things that they’re interested in instead of filling in their college resumes. Colleges are also finally figuring this out and are looking for kids who have a focus instead of the rob-o kids who do everything well. They know it’s just not natural.

That said, I really feel that grades and college performance pressures are robbing our kids of sleep since they have way too much homework and have to stay up all hours to complete it.

Bed Times for Tweens
I do want to move on to give you some actual ideas about what you can do today concerning bedtimes and sleep.

First, Middle schoolers – I think it’s just fine having bedtimes but keep in mind their changing biological clocks. As they were growing through elementary school you should have been pushing back their bedtime each year by about 15 minutes or so. By the time they’re in middle school a bedtime of 9:30 or 10 isn’t unreasonable in my opinion. If your child loves at 9pm bedtime, go for it.

Bed Times for Teens
Next, High schoolers – I firmly believe that high schoolers should be setting their own bedtime. A bit scary for some of us but we only have four short years at most to love them though the learning process of what it means to manage their sleep. We need to not helicopter them but let them lovingly fail and encourage them when that happens. This includes making sure we’re not the ones waking them up, they need their own alarm clock and you give them love and empathy in the morning if they over sleep. Make sure they know that it’s their job to own when they go to sleep and when they wake up.

If they wake up grumpy because they were up late you can say something sweet and loving like: “Oh dear… you seem to be really tired. So sorry. It is really tough to go through the day when I’m tired. I bet you’ll figure things out. If you need some help with some ideas about what some kids might do, you just let me know. I’m happy to brainstorm with you after school if you want.” If they grumble back at you, ignore it and go on happily with your day. Don’t push. Let them know that you love them and look forward to seeing them later. Try to make it sound real even.  If they really are grumpy then I’d also encourage you to listen to podcast #2 that deals with teens, emotions and how to handle them.

Another area we need to consider is to make sure electronics are kept in the right places and are not night time/bed time distractions. I’m going to do a separate podcast on electronics but know that my number one rule is for parents to, if at all possible, keep all electronics out of bedrooms and private places. If your teen already has all their electronics in their room you might have lost this battle but for some of you it’s possible you might have a window to talk to your teen about how their phone or laptop is robbing them of sleep that they so desperately need.

If you can, have brainstorming sessions where you discuss their sleep and how tired they seem to be. This is a bit tricky since we need to make sure we don’t lecture them but ask open ended questions. “Gosh, I noticed you had to stay up really late finishing your paper. It seems tough to plan your work, what classes are most challenging?” If your high schooler is touchy about all this, I would recommend setting up what I call Special Time and even going to a Special Place like a favorite sit-down restaurant so you can have their undivided attention. Sometimes with grumpy teens they behave better and have more conversation with you if you’re in public and they need to be polite.

One mom invested in some unlimited sushi to get her teen boy to have a serious discussion on this topic. Your budget might not allow that but be creative… teens around here seem to love Boba.. go for it if you think it will help. But, a nice couch in your home can work just as well if you can get them to sit with you. It should be just one parent, by the way, so your teen doesn’t feel like you’re ganging up on them.

Wake Up Times
One thing that lots of parents are frustrated with is they see their child staying up late playing games or YouTubing and then they want to sleep until 11, 12 or 1pm on the weekend. With our COVID-19 situation going on right now it’s getting worse for some families since there is no official “wake up” time or even weekend, it’s all a weekend! Their kids are turning into night owls. Ugh. What a drag. I think that it’s smart not battle with our kids about when to go to sleep, however it’s totally appropriate to negotiate with our teens about when to wake up. If we keep quiet about when to go to sleep they need to commit to getting up by a certain time. If you’d like them to wake up at 9am and the want to wake up at noon then both of you have to give and come up with something you both think is reasonable.

When my boys were teens I think we had a 10am or 11am agreement going on for weekends. It wasn’t formal but it was pretty much our normal. One family of a sophomore I interviewed agreed that getting up by 10am even with COVID-19 going on was ok. They aren’t bugging him about when to go to bed and he agreed he’d get up at 10 and wouldn’t be grumpy all day at the family if he’d gone to bed really, really late. It’s working really well for them. I do agree that not wasting time fighting about when they go to bed is the way to go. Negotiate mornings with empathy and love. You can use Love and Logic’s Energy Drain for ideas for consequences if your teens don’t own up to the negotiated agreement. Take a look at my website or email me for more information on that topic.

I do have to admit that having a good relationship with your child at this stage in their life is more important than their sleep. If you can talk to your kids and have fun with them and go places with them there will be opportunities to “notice” things like “I noticed you’re tired all the time” or “I noticed you’re really grumpy at everyone when you’ve stayed up late.” If they aren’t put under a microscope and criticized all the time they’re more willing to chat with us. That’s sort of what the Special Place is in my example above. If they love sushi or hiking or bowling then do that with them and see if a conversation about sleep can follow but be there, be present and be loving no matter what is happening. If anyone is yelling or nagging then you’re shutting doors to your teen’s life. Keep them open! If we love them through this difficult time and not have battles with them they will eventually own their own sleep. You giving them love and empathy through all this will let them know they aren’t alone and you will love them through them being tired and even grumpy.

Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed this podcast! Teens and sleep are a challenge. Letting them own their sleep is hard for us but essential for helping to raise a responsible adult who has figured out how to manage their schedule and can show up to work on time being respectful of other people and the commitments they make to others.

0 Comments

PODCAST Episode 7 - Night Time Battles: Toddler to Elementary

3/27/2020

0 Comments

THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE: LISTEN

I’ve been thinking a lot about sleep lately and how important it is to get a lot of it and good quality with this current crisis going on. It’s good for our mental health as well as our immune systems. Well, I’m an empty-nester and not getting enough sleep so you parents of younger ones might be getting even less than I am so I’m dedicating this to all of you so that maybe a few of these ideas can get you and your family a few more minutes of sleep or at least set a calmer tone in your house at bed time.

This podcast is for parents of toddlers through elementary school, I have a separate podcast on dealing with issues of sleep and teens so please head there if you have older kids. In this podcast we’ll go through some ideas for moving toward bed, getting ready for bed, turning out the lights and finally ideas for those of you who have kids who wake up at night. With that said, let’s get started.

Heading toward bed – the transition
For many kids it’s really hard to transition from playful family time to the lonely and boring time of bedtime and night time. Kids might be hyped up playing and rough housing or they might be involved in a really interesting show or project that will take way longer than our bedtime goals allow. Transitions are really hard for many kids so we need to make the transitions as painless and battle free as possible. To do this there are two things we have at our disposal which will prevent many battles before they start – choices and boundaries.

Most of the time choices are really effective since kids just really want some control over their lives. We’re so used to bossing them around it makes some of them decide to say “no” no matter how reasonable we are. If we say “It’s bedtime.” They’re almost programmed to resist. Offering choices before you hear “no” is SUPER important. You have to use choices early, if you have resistance you’ve lost your battle so make your choices effective and as fun as possible.

So you’re going to use choices like this:

Would you like to go to bed at 8 or 8:15? (knowing full well we want them to go to bed at 8:15!)
Would you like to set the bedroom timer or me? (I love using timers especially for kids who can’t tell time yet on their own)
Would you like to set the bedroom timer for 5 minutes or 15 minutes? (knowing you’re fine with 15 minutes)

If you give choices as to when to head to bed you use them again with HOW to get there. Try using something like “Wow, it’s time to head to bed! Would you like to …
…crawl on your tummy to bed or walk backwards?
… or Would you like to go blindfolded or have me carry you upside down?
… or Would you like to hop on one foot or skip to bed?
Fun is super helpful! Being creative and offering different choices every night is also super helpful.

Getting ready for bed – give them choices
Once we get them in the vicinity of their bedroom and the bathroom area to get ready we use

Would you like to brush your teeth first or put your pjs on first?
Brush your top teeth first or your bottom teeth?
Would you like to take a bubble bath or a lights out bath with a candle?
Would you like to dry off with a big towel or lots of little wash cloths?
Would you like mint toothpaste or cinnamon toothpaste?
Electric or hand brushing?
Pajama top on first or pajama bottom?
Would you like to sleep with your school clothes on or your pajamas?

The idea is that you constantly throw new choices at them so that they don’t have time to think that one of the choices is “No!”. Being creative with choices is key!

Set boundaries
Another skill that is super useful at bedtime is setting boundaries so that your kids know ahead of time what to expect and they’re things that you can stick to. If your kids can have input as to what they are, especially as they get into older grades in elementary school, the more effective these will be. For any boundary to be effective there has to be a consequence if you don’t get the result you are looking for.

What am I talking about? A useful boundary for most families is setting which time kids are ready for bed. Let’s say that a family starts heading to bed at 7:15 and want lights out by 8:15. They need a bath, teeth brushing, getting pajamas on and reading books in that one hour of time. I’d suggest setting a boundary like: “I read books to kids who are ready by 8:00. “ It’s a simple statement that tells your kids that as long as they are ready they can have books for 15 minutes. This also means that you as a parent have to be willing to have a child having a tantrum at 8:05pm who wasn’t ready on time and will not be getting books tonight. You need to be ready to have this happen and to give love and empathy. “Wow, this is sooooo sad. I love reading books. I’m sad too. I can’t wait till tomorrow night.” You can give them hugs but you cannot read to them. You have to hold your ground especially when you know your child’s currency is book time. You have to realize that your child had a choice and they chose to not have book time, it wasn’t you.

But, Mary, you might say, my child can’t tell time yet. What do I do? Use timers again! Lots of timers if you need to. Cheap ones from Target or Amazon work great. Have your little one learn how to set them and get them maybe even to try “Beat the Clock” type contests. Set one timer for 30 minutes, another for 15, another for 5 and the last one for 2. Put them in different places to make it fun if you want but MAKE SURE they know there’s a limit and that they get to choose if they get books or not, it’s not up to you. You give LOVE and EMPATHY if they blow it. Some of you might want to try this on a weekend night if you’ve got to work on weekdays but you need to start and keep pulling it off for a few days for some kids to believe that your word is true, that there are no books if they’re not ready.

Lights Out
By the time bedtime comes around most of us have our eyes on the goal – some downtime without kids! Maybe a glass of wine with our spouse or to watch a show that’s not rated G. We say a prayer: “Please Lord, let them fall asleep quickly so I can have some ME TIME.” However, many of us find our ME TIME cut short by kids not wanting to fall asleep. Some of us fall asleep with them (that’s what would happen to my husband and I), some of us sit close by outside the bedroom door feeling chained there until we can peek in and see that our kid is finally, finally asleep then we tip toe away as quietly as possible hoping we don’t wake them up. Is that you? What can we do to get them to sleep?

If you have a child who really, really won’t go to sleep without controlling where you are then during daytime you need to spend Special Time with them to brainstorm what they need at bedtime so that they stay in bed. Special Time is where one parent schedules some time with just them and the child, no siblings or distractions, just the two of you.

During this time you think about ideas for what they need at bedtime since your new boundary is that once books are done mom and dad are done too. You will let them know that they are welcome to have bedroom time for as long as they want but they must be quiet and stay in their room. You really can’t force your child to sleep on command but you can allow them to be quiet and in their room and allow them to be in control of their environment. During the Special Time I’d offer more creative choices than I might have offered in the past:

Would you like to sleep in your bed or on the floor?
Would you like to sleep in your sleeping bag or with a different blanket?
Would you like to be buried by a pile of stuffed animals so that I can’t see you?
Would you like the light on or off?

The idea is that your child chooses all these things that really don’t matter since what matters to you is that you get your ME TIME and they are quiet and in their room.

If your child won’t stay in their room and you have to constantly put them back or they have tantrums then you need to deal with those then I’d highly recommend that you go and listen to my 5th podcast which tells you what to do with tantrums.

In brief though, for some kids you might wind up going ahead and cuddling them and falling asleep that night but then the next day you’re going to have them restore all that sleep and free time you lost in dealing with them by doing a few chores around the house. Yes, even if they are only 3 or 4 you do this. They need to know that their choice to take away your free time has a cost. You love them and will help them get to sleep but you need to let them know you need their help to restore that time lost. You do it lovingly and with empathy.

In the morning you’ll say something like: “Wow, that sure was a late night last night. I’m so sorry you had trouble getting to sleep and that mommy didn’t have time to finish what I had planned. It would be great if you helped out today by vacuuming the living room and sweeping the porch.” I would also take a bit of time to brainstorm again to see what adjustments need to be made when you head to bed again that night. Checking in with your child and making adjustments is really helpful. They need to know that problems often take time and many adjustments to solve and that you’ll love them and work with them as long as it takes to solve this one.

Difficult Night Time Issues
In working with parents over the years I have offered this advice and for many it works wonders. The choices and boundaries and knowing your child’s nighttime currency is super helpful. However, there are a few situations I’d like to offer further advice.

Kids waking in the middle of the night with siblings in the room that might wake up
One family I worked with has a small house and 3 kids, two who slept in the same room. Their 4-year-old would wake up every night and scream so dad had to get him to calm down or his son would wake up the whole house and the new baby. Oh my… definitely a problem. We decided that getting his child to calm down during the night was really imperative so he’d need to use the Special Time solution to brainstorm ideas about what they could do to remedy the situation. He would also need to work with his son to give him some jobs to help repair the sleep that dad had lost by getting woken up at night.

As we mentioned before, this will be with love and empathy, the chores given won’t be a punishment for his behavior that he can’t control yet, just a recognition that he caused distress to someone else and has to help even the waters a bit during awake time. Another dad of a 4-year-old used Special Time to brainstorm with his son what books and stuffed animals he needed at bedtime but he also let his son know that he was too tired to play basketball with him when he’s woken up at night since he’d lost so much sleep. It took about a week for the two of them to brainstorm enough to figure out their nighttime solution. It was awesome to hear! Go dads!

Kids wanting to climb into your bed in the middle of the night
Some of you might fall into the category that I did. My son went to sleep ok but he’d wake up every night and didn’t wake anyone else up but me. He’d come quietly to my side of the bed and want to climb in and sleep with us. He was so cute at first so of course I’d let him sleep with us. Sometimes, once he got back to sleep my husband or I would carry him back to his room but sometimes he was there the rest of the night. Ugh… I was so tired and not getting good sleep with a little one kicking and turning and taking space I enjoyed in our bed.

So, what I wound up doing is setting up a little bed next to ours that was just one of those tiny futons and put a crib sheet, a blanket and pillow on it. My son got to choose what else he’d like on the little bed but it was small and fairly out of the way so I could still get in my bed. Then, I let him know if he woke up in the middle of the night he was welcome to sleep there and that sleeping with mommy and daddy was not an option. He was happy with that solution so for about a year from maybe 4 to 5 he slept probably ½ the nights on that little bed.

I was talking to another family and they actually have a small teepee set up in their room that they actually let their daughter whose about 6 just go ahead and sleep in all night. Another family put a sleeping bag outside their master bedroom door for their daughter to sleep in if she awoke at night. If you don’t mind and have the space, go for it. It really won’t be happening when they’re teens, believe me. Bottomline, if your child is waking you and you’re losing sleep feel free to be creative but don’t feel like you have to let them sleep with you. Sometimes just being near you will be just fine.

Early Morning Wake Ups
The last topic is what to do with kids who wake up earlier than mom or dad. Actually, I’m going to tackle that topic hopefully in next one of my next podcasts but to give you a hint if you have this issue, use Special Time to brainstorm some ideas with your kid. If your kids are really little go online and look for one of those kiddie wake-up clocks that go from red to green to signal when they can get out of bed. More later though but feel free to email me if you need help right now.

Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed this podcast! Getting kids to bed is a lot of work some nights but I hope you can use fun choices and set some good boundaries for getting to bed and getting ready for bed. I pray for all of you to have a bit more sleep especially when some of us our not sleeping well right now for other reasons.

0 Comments

PODCAST Episode 6: Tantrums and Calm Down Time

3/20/2020

0 Comments

THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:  LISTEN

Tantrums can be so draining and disruptive to happy family life so in this hour of great need I’m going to talk about the emotion behind the tantrums, how to set up “calm down” time, and then how to brainstorm with our kids after the emotion of the tantrum or bad behavior has passed.  The target for this is really parents of toddlers through elementary school so if you have a teen, I’d recommend that you listen to my second podcast called: Teens: Respect, Emotions and Brains.

Emotion Behind the Tantrums
The problem with a little one having a tantrum is that it oftentimes sets us off turning us into angry, frustrated parents who are yelling and screaming, right?  Tantrums often happen when we are most rushed or pressed for time – bedtime, getting to school, having to leave a party, getting off electronics, brushing teeth, having to do homework or practice piano.  We are just trying to get life going in the right direction when, WHAM, another a tantrum hits and really set us off.  Ugh… why me??? Why again? Why is my kid always doing this? What’s wrong with them? My other kids weren’t this bad. What’s wrong with me?  So many emotions flying and they can send us into our own adult tantrum.

We need to help ourselves in these situations by remembering to KEEP CALM and LOVING.  Yes, it will be hard to do when our kid is having a meltdown but you need to do just that.  KEEP CALM and LOVING.  When we get pushed into yelling ourselves it means that our thinking brain has turned off and we’re in our emotional, fight-and-flight brain which is never good when dealing with kids and tantrums.  So, having ways to keep our anger under control is necessary and I’ll do a future podcast on that subject in the future but for now just keep the thought in mind that your child’s tantrum isn’t about you, it’s about them and their inability to control their world.  It’s ok that they’re upset.

Your child has very few skills especially under the age of five when it comes to letting you know their dissatisfaction with whatever it is they don’t like.  They can yell, cry, scream, kick, fall on the floor like a wet noodle, and bite.  That’s it!  Later on when they’re teens they might verbally be able to spar with you but not too much when they are really young.  So, you have to keep your emotions under control and just deal with theirs.  Again, you need to be CALM and LOVING!

Calm Down Time – set the stage
Now that we know the tantrum is about our kids’ emotions and not ours, here’s what we need to do next.  Have a safe place in your house that you can designate as a “calm down” location.  You can even ask your child during a non-emotional time where they might like to calm down when they become upset.  You need to set up a situation where your child knows and trusts you love them unconditionally and you tell them that when they get really upset you want to give them a safe place to be and time alone to calm down.  This calm down area is a place you need to make sure they understand is not a place for punishment, it’s a time of love and understanding that we all need time to calm down when we’re upset.

Now that you have a place you might want to make sure it’s safe.  Most of the time it’s a bedroom but, wherever it is, it needs to be a place that your child is free to roam around in. If you have a smaller child who is still in a crib you can use that but for a child out of a crib you would allow them ideally to have access to the whole room.  They can have books and stuffed animals and things that can help them calm down.  It’s all ok since this is a Calm Down place like I said, not a place for punishment.  There might be a time you have to remove books if they throw them and wreck them but for now, let them have stuff to do.  They won’t even see the stuff when they are in full melt-down mode but as they come out of it, it can help.

You should also explain to your child that as long as they stay in the room until they are calm then the door can stay unlocked and open.  Once they calm down, you’ll set a timer for 3 to 5 minutes and as long as they can keep staying calm during that time then they’ll be able to come out.  You love them and will be waiting for them to calm down so they can rejoin the family.

Calm Down Time – let it happen
The next phase after your child knows what Calm Down Time is will be to wait.  Yep, you wait until a tantrum happens.  When your child starts having a meltdown you’re going to ask them if they’d like some Calm Down Time.  If they are small and under 5 or so, they can walk themselves or you can carry them.  If they are older, you can help direct them or just ask them to go to the Calm Down location.  You do this in a calm, loving tone of voice.  No yelling. You say something like: “Wow, I can tell you’re really upset.  It looks like you need some time to calm down. Let’s go head to the Calm Down Room.”  They might not be in great shape but you make sure in a loving manner they get to the location.  If you have older kids and they refuse to go then just let them be and say: “Ok, we’ll talk about this later.  I’m going to go to a different location so that I can remain calm.” And then you get out of the way.  I’ll talk about what to do with those rebellious kids in a minute, for now let’s assume your child made it to the room.

Now you’re going to let them choose whether or not they get to have the door open or closed.  Keep in mind that the goal is to have them calm down, it doesn’t matter if their door is opened or closed as long as they stay in their room.  I’d start with the door open and if they come out then it will be a signal that they need the door closed.  Many kids will be crying and won’t even be able to think.  If they come out with the door closed then you’re going to “lock” it which for a small child will mean that you take a towel and flip it over the top of the door.  You aren’t going to leave them in there forever and really lock them in and you’re certainly not going to leave the house but one thing you really don’t want to do is stand there holding the door closed with your hands.  If you did struggle with the door handle, the child would have lots of power of you and it would distract from this whole process.  So, get the door closed and “locked” if you need to but don’t stay right next to the door.  Go ahead and start making dinner or even read a book or watch TV with your other kids.  Create a loving environment outside the Calm Down time that makes the tantrum kid want to go back to.

You now want to wait again.  Wait until you hear no fussing, no crying, no yelling, no pleading.  Once it’s all quiet you go ahead and open the door and ask if they are ready to set the timer.  If they start fussing and crying then you go ahead and let them know with empathy and love that it seems they need a bit more time.  However, if they can remain calm then you go ahead and have an egg timer or some other hand timer, not your cell phone, and leave it in the room or outside the room and let it run and beep.  Your child can then open the door and come out.  Then you give them hugs and kisses and say you are so happy they’re calm again.  No need to go over why they went into the Calm Down Room, they already know that they hit their brother or threw something when they weren’t supposed to or wrecked their sisters poster when they were mad.  Just let love be the result.

Brainstorming and Special Time after the Tantrum
Now that the Calm Down time is over it means that your child’s brain has turned back on to their thinking brain.  Lots of the time this Calm Down time accomplishes what it needs to especially for really young ones. Our kids’ emotions boil up inside and they just need to safely let them out and know that we’ll love them when it’s over.  However, there are some situations or some kids who just keep having tantrums and we need to spend some time brainstorming with them that I call Special Time.  This is time where there aren’t other siblings and is with only one parent, time that the parent can set up that is without emotion and isn’t right after a tantrum. You will also use Special Time with those older rebellious kids who refused to go to the Calm Down location when you asked.   I would wait ½ day or maybe a full day or two after a tantrum to try Special Time.  You might need to coordinate with your spouse to take over with your other children or even send the other kids to a friend’s house or grandparents.  But you need to create an environment where you won’t get interrupted.

Now, when you start the Special Time you can be cuddling at home on your bed, on their bed or a favorite couch, it doesn’t have to be someplace exotic, just some place that is relatively soothing and without too many other distractions.  Tell your child that it’s Special Time as well so they can come to look forward to special time with you in the future.

Next, you’re going calmly and lovingly say something like: “Wow, the other day you sure were upset.  Can we talk about that?  I want to brainstorm with you and figure out what we can do to help so that you don’t have that issue in the future.”  Then you talk about what you might do, be a team.  For the most part these special brainstorming sessions are going to be for kids about 4 or older but feel free to try them for littler ones too, you be the judge as to when to start them.

Ok, that’s the learning part of the podcast.

Now I want to tell you two stories of parents who attended the Parenting the Love and Logic Way® class that I’ve been a facilitator for for many years.  One story is about a parent of a 3 ½ year old who really needed Calm Down time and the other has a first grader who turned out needing the brainstorming session after some particularly bad behavior.  In the first story it mentions Love and Logic® toddler specific technique called the Uh Oh Song that is amazing and I’ll put some references into my podcast notes if you’d like more details and examples to use with your toddlers.  I can’t recommend it enough.

Ok, so that first story, here’s what the mom wrote me:

My oldest son is 3.5 years old. Before I took this class, we did a variation of Time Out for when he had temper tantrums where I'd just put him in his room, but get him after a few minutes and ask him to calm down before he could come out. Basically, I would then help him calm down by holding him, etc.

So a few days ago, I decided to apply what we learned in class about the Uh Oh Song and followed the steps, specifically leaving him in his room until he calmed down on his own. Well, he screamed and screamed on and off for 1 hour and 15 minutes!! It was agonizing listening to him and so many thoughts were going through my mind. But I stuck with it and followed through with the 3-minute timer after he had calmed and then invited him to come out. He was like a new kid, super grateful to be out and so helpful with such a great attitude afterwards.

I can imagine that the key to this technique is being super consistent so that he really learns that the quicker he calms down, the sooner he can come out. I'm looking forward to it hopefully taking less time next time. I keep thinking about that example you shared about these investments we make now during parenting (even though they can be heart-breaking and challenging) will really pay off later.

Such a cool story.  Now, for the second one here’s what the mom wrote me after reading my monthly newsletter:

I love reading your emails and still value so much what I learnt on your course. I won’t say I always do it perfectly but I do try. So I have an example of a situation that I am finding difficult right now. I am a scout leader at my 6-year old’s Girl Scout group. At the meetings I lead a lot of the activities which means I need to focus and ensure I am fair to everyone. My 6-year-old acts out a lot at the meetings. She demands more attention than anybody else and constantly interrupts me. I try to explain nicely that she needs to wait her turn or stop messing around, but she doesn’t hear me and starts to be nasty to me and others around her. It is extremely distracting and as I am leading I don’t have the option to remove her from the situation and have a chat about it. I end up annoyed by the end of the meeting and embarrassed as there are other parents there too. I have tried to explain calmly when we are at home that I love her very much but cannot give her special attention at Scouts. I explain that she needs to view me as if I am a teacher in this situation. The next meeting is coming up soon and I am dreading it. Do you have any suggestions on how to avoid a similar situation? Thanks, Nancy

Nancy’s issues of a child behaving badly in public certainly aren’t unique but coming up with some ideas that would best fit her daughter’s situation was.  She was able to continue explaining to me how her daughter is really hard on herself, that she gets really upset when she isn’t doing something perfectly and feels even worse when others notice when they are in public.  It seemed to me she was getting the impression she had to be perfect all the time, that she wasn’t getting enough grit training in her life.  We decided Nancy needed to sit down with Jenny and have a heart to heart before the next Girl Scout meeting to try to sort things out.  My advice was to make sure she used lots of open-ended questions and not lecture Jenny on what the outcome should be.  Her daughter needed to know that she was loved no matter how she behaved and help her learn how to have grit and know things can get better even if they go badly sometimes.  She’s only 6 so she’ll have plenty of time to practice grit if they start now.

Nancy also thought there might be a complicating factor with her daughter reacting to the very sugary snacks that families brought to start off each scout meeting.  We decided that Nancy should do the same brainstorming with Jenny on this topic as well.

Here’s what Nancy wrote back:

Hi Mary,
I had a chat with Jenny this afternoon about the meeting. We sat on the beanbag in her room and I gave her hug and told her that I love her always no matter what. Then I said you know how I chose to lead the scouts this year, just wondering if you like that I do that or would prefer I didn’t? She said she really liked it and loved spending time with me there. I then asked ‘How do you think the last meeting went?’. She replied, ‘Not too good’. I asked ‘what do you think was not good?’. She replied: "I acted out and was mean to you and others." I asked her how she felt at the last meeting. She said: ‘angry, frustrated and embarrassed because I was being bad’. I asked how it made her feel when I corrected her and asked her to stop doing something. She said that it embarrassed her and she felt like she was being bad. I asked her what she would like to do at the next meeting if I need to say something to her. She suggested to go outside to talk. I said good idea but what if I am in the middle of something and can’t leave? She thought a bit, I then suggested that maybe we should have a secret code so I could tell her when I need her to stop doing something or pay attention without others knowing. She loved that idea. I asked her to think of what she would like as a code. We had a bit of fun with that and laughed together at some of the funny ideas she came up with. She thought of 5 and I then asked her to select the one she liked the most. She picked a small teddy bear. I put it in the scouts backpack for tomorrow. She suggested then that maybe we could have a different one every week and I agreed that was a great idea. We also agreed that if she was feeling upset or angry that she could go outside the door for a break to reset regardless of what was going on.
We then got on to the snack. That was kind of easy as she is also dairy-free right now for allergy reasons. If asked what she thought of the snacks. She said she didn’t know what it might be and if it was cookies with milk, she might not be able to have it. So, I said what can we do if it is? She suggested waiting until she got home and then having something? I said what if you are hungry? She then suggested that we bring some things from home in case. We went out to the kitchen and she chose the snacks and drink she wanted to take and was happy with that. I finished off by asking if we could have another chat after the meeting to see how she thought it went and she agreed that would be good.

Fingers crossed for tomorrow!! Nancy

Well, that was AMAZING but the story gets better…
A few days later I followed up with Nancy:

The meeting went so much better than the last time. I gave her a lot of space and let her realize when she needed to share e.g. glue etc. Then we had the moment that could have turned the meeting. Her little 3-year-old sister walked on her art project and got glue on a place it should not have gone. She got really annoyed and hit her, sister screamed and hit back. I didn’t say a word- took sister away, got the teddy and handed it to Jenny. She looked at me and kind of nodded and smiled and got back to her project. A minute later she came to me and handed back the teddy. So simple - it defused the whole situation without me needing to say a word. The rest of the meeting went really smoothly and we all went home happy. We talked about it after and she agreed it was a much better meeting. She is excited to pick another secret code for our next meeting.

Wow, amazing how that brainstorming really turned around not only bad behavior but really empowered Jenny in a way that really built more confidence and grit into her.
Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed this podcast and have some new ideas or refreshed some old ones about how to get more calm into your families – by you keeping calm and not taking offense at your child’s tantrums, by allowing your children to have calm down time and then, when needed, creating special time with them so you can brainstorm ideas about how to help empower them to keep calm in the future before tantrums can arise.

Link to UH Oh Song Info

0 Comments

PODCAST Episode 5: Fun With Food: Teen Edition

3/15/2020

5 Comments

THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE: LISTEN

In my previous podcast about food battles I was talking about troubles with younger kids; however, parents of teens and tweens also tend to have issues with food. I’m going to talk about what you can do with issues like kids skipping meals, the emotional instability having “hangry” kids and how to react to different types of diets teens try. I hope you enjoy it!

First, what to do about kids who skip meals?
We’ve all heard breakfast is the most important meal of the day, right? Well, so many teenagers just skip it! That’s not healthy at all and we know it. Or, how about teens who just eat French fries for lunch at school. Or just a piece of cheese pizza, day after day. They are all growing still! Don’t they understand their brains need veggies and Omega 3s? They need really protein, not just carbs, right? However, lecturing doesn’t change a thing, does it? Sometimes we might be able to guilt then into eating a granola bar on their way out the door to school in the morning but it’s only due to our nagging, not because they believe us. Sigh…

What do we do? We have to let go. Just let them own their own food. Our job is the same as when they were little, we provide healthy choices and they decide what and how much. We can tempt them with their favorite dinner if we want but we have to restrain ourselves from being upset if they decide not to eat it.

We need to them do this as long as you don’t see negative food behaviors like anorexia or bulimia. They are serious conditions that need medical help right away. But, as long as you’re not feeling a medical emergency is imminent, just let it go and give them love and encouragement. A dear friend had a son who only ate a certain type of pasta and doritos every day from about middle to high school. He was known as the Dorito Kid. He’s out of college now, has a great job and loves the outdoors. He’s fine and mom was wise to bide her time with his eating.

What about “hangry” kids and the emotions it creates?
If they turn into “hangry” monsters when their blood sugar levels go off the charts try to get them some food if they’ll let you but don’t nag, just offer.

Then, just l like I talked about in Podcast #2 about Teens and emotion, you want to wait until they are calm, maybe a day or two later, and talk to them about what you noticed and how it affected you. Something like: “Gee, you were really out of sorts yesterday. It seems like you were hangry and really grumpy. Can we talk about that?” You’re looking for them to say “yes” so that you can have a discussion. Keep in mind that a discussion is different than a lecture. You need to ask questions, not tell your child what to do. Ask them how they felt and what they could do about it. Would they like some suggestions? If you keep a loving and empathetic tone and allow them to own the problem of their hangriness, things will go much better than if we just sit them down and we are frustrated and angry.

How about kids who have weird diets?
These years seem to be ones where our kids want to experiment with lots of behaviors and sometimes it has to do with food. Maybe you’re a family who eats meat and all the sudden your teen decides to be a vegetarian and upsets your whole meal planning. Or maybe they go on a Keto diet or a Bulletproof Diet or any number of other fad diets. It can be frustrating from a parental point of view especially if you think it’s not healthy.

My encouragement would be to be interested in why your child is choosing to change and maybe even experiment with them by looking up recipes and cooking with them. I would not change my entire family over to the new plan but I think showing respect for their new ideas and having a bit of fun with them can really help build a positive relationship. One son of mine did the Bullet Proof Diet for a while – coffee with butter in it wasn’t my favorite but I did try it for a while. He moved from that to some sort of protein powder body building diet and I let him use his own money and he did his own research on what to use.

Another friend of his was on vacation with us and was very dedicated to the Keto Diet which was super challenging but it I used it as a learning experience and even tried it for a while myself. It wasn’t for me but I think having an attitude of allowing our teens to expand our horizons really builds bonds in ways that grow stronger and stronger over time.

That’s all for now! I hope you find it useful thinking about teens and food issues. If you have more questions about teens and food that I didn’t cover, I’d love to hear from you!

5 Comments

PODCAST Episode 4 - Fun with Food: Toddler to Elementary Edition

3/13/2020

0 Comments

THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE: LISTEN

Today we’re going to talk about ideas that will move meal times from battles to enjoyable dining. First, I’m going to talk about how to get kids to sit and eat – a huge problem for many families. Then we’ll talk about getting your kids to eat different types of food – the next most challenging food topic for parents of little ones. This podcast will concentrate on parents with kids from toddler to elementary school age. I have a special “teen edition” of food issues that I’m putting up as my next podcast so stay tuned for that if you’ve got older kids.

With that said, let’s dive in and let’s learn some more practical parenting wisdom relating to food.

First, how to get kids to sit and eat. For some of you, the dinner table is a jumping box – kids getting up and down at will having no particular interest in eating, they’d rather be playing. You might start your meal together but within minutes your kids are out of their seats. You’re either yelling at them to come back to the table or running after them with food. For others of you, to get peace at your dinner table you set your kids up on some sort of electronic device. Your table is quiet and kids stay seated but your kids eat so slowly you wind up feeding them by hand. If you try to remove the electronics, your kids have meltdowns. Oh my… no fun at all!

I love to pose the question as to why we parents do this to ourselves? Is it nutrition? Are we worried about weight issues? Or is it a balanced diet? You know your kids likes carbs but they just aren’t interested in those vegetables, right? Or maybe it’s different? Love veggies but not protein. We want them to be healthy and we feel food is so important that we will put up with just about any behavior for them to be fed nutritious meals, right? It’s exhausting!

Family Mealtime Rules

So, we need to make a plan. To change this dynamic we have to set what I call Family Mealtime Rules. We need to put boundaries and expectations in place so that our whole family knows what to expect. Here’s the list of four essential rules to getting your family mealtimes into line:

We eat at the table
We don’t have electronics, toys, or books while we eat
If a kid can lift a fork on their own, they need to feed themselves
When someone gets up from the table, they are done eating

Pretty ambitious, right? Putting loving boundaries around acceptable behaviors at the table is essential. You might have heard that kids need limits and when they don’t have them, they think the sky is the limit. If your mealtimes are out of control it might be because the limits haven’t been set by you and possibly, they’ve been set instead by your kids which is a recipe for disaster.

How long should dinner time or breakfast take in your home – 20 minutes? 30? 10? I want you to pick a time and shoot for it. In our example here I’m going to say about 20 minutes since it’s pretty normal.
Now let’s go through each one of those four rules and see how you can implement them in a loving and consistent manner.

Eat at the table
1. Pretty simple, just like it says, not on the couch in front of a TV
No electronics or books or private toys
1. You need to realize this is just for 20 minutes and that you and your kids can make it together for that time without private distractions. Yes, that means no electronics for mom or dad either. Some parents have kids who want to bring cars or trucks or dolls to the table, no thank you for those either!
2. If you’d like a distraction then offer a family game to play like Yahtzee, Candy Lane, any group game you can all play together. “Together” is the operative word here. In my family I set up something called a “Conversation Jar” – it was a bin that had slips of paper kids could draw from with questions them; things like “What was one thing you learned today?” or “What’s your favorite movie?” or “Tell us a joke.” There are even decks of cards you can buy with conversation type questions on them if you don’t want to make up your own.
3. The main point here is that personal distractions aren’t allowed but group distractions are. My goal would be not to need the group distractions for a 20 minute meal but, if you need them, use them!
Kids feeding themselves
1. This is a hard one for lots of parents especially of small kids since we worry they aren’t getting enough nutrition or we see them struggle to eat with a fork or spoon which can be messy and slow. Once your child hits about two there shouldn’t be anyone approaching them with a forkful of food except themselves. If you’re that parent who is running after a kid with a fork, you have to stop.
Getting up from the table means they’re done
1. This is the most important rule!
2. Here’s what you need to do. First, make sure your kids know this new rule in a loving manner, no lectures needed, just a simple statement: “We serve dinner to children who stay at the table.” That’s it. Then wait.
3. As soon as your child gets up you LOVINGLY take away their plate saying something like: “Oh, I guess you are all done. No problem. Have fun playing.” Keep in mind that they might actually be done eating, they might have had enough and won’t be back.
4. However, if they do run back to the table and want their food back you say: “Oh, this is soooo sad. You know our new rule is that if you get up it means you’re done. So sorry. I know you’ll have a really nice breakfast to look forward to in the morning.” If there’s begging and crying you just have to put up with it, don’t give in. This is part of the lesson they are learning, it’s a natural consequence and it will be very effective, you just have to trust me.
5. Now, some others of you have kids that will just run off playing. There’s no need to remind, lecture or to yell after them: “Hey, I’m taking your dinner away! You’re gonna be hungry!” You need to let them decide what and how much to eat, not keep them at the dinner table forcing them to eat everything on their plate. If your pediatrician isn’t worried about their weight, you shouldn’t be either. I’d like you to consider that as your kids get older, they actually put the food on their plates that they want to eat. You need to let them own their food intake.
6. Many kids will come back to you in an hour saying they’re hungry. I’d encourage you to be calm and empathetic and say something like: “This is sooo sad. I get hungry when I don’t eat enough for dinner too. Breakfast sure will be yummy.” But I know that’s really hard for parents of young ones so I’d offer a compromise to you, have something in your house that your kids kinda like, is really healthy and they can get for themselves. I love to use carrots as an example. When they say they are hungry you can say: “This is soooo sad. Dinner is all done. You’re welcome to have carrots. ” Whatever you choose for your family don’t make it very attractive, just tolerable.
7. One final complication to a 20-minute mealtime is that you might be offering too many snacks to your kids too close to mealtime. Try to set snack times that end at least 90 minutes ahead of a meal so that your kids are hungry when mealtime comes.

Once you start this and you’re consistent with all these new boundaries your children will know what is expected and that there is love involved around food, not yelling, telling and chasing. The first few days might be rough for one or more of your kids but you HAVE to keep it up. If you cave, they’ll know you don’t have any plan. Your child won’t starve, they really won’t! If they miss a meal, their little bodies will make up for it over the days ahead. One pediatrician I was reviewing comments from says that you should really look at a child’s nutritional intake over a week’s span, not a day. Their bodies have a way of knowing what they need.

All these new rules will allow you to have a completely different food experience in your house. It should be not only healthier but also happier.

Food Choices

Ok, now what we’re done with setting up rules at our mealtimes we’re going to move on to topic number two – food choices. The classic “My child is so picky.” Or, “My child won’t eat vegetables.” is such a challenge. What ideas do I have for you in dealing with these? I have four ideas:

Food is a source of power for kids, you need to take away their power over you. The more we push certain foods on them, the more they rebel which causes us to compromise and run after them with a fork or let them use electronics at dinner. You need to let them know you trust them to take care of their food needs.
Second, don’t be anxious about food which is highly related to #1. Kids will settle down and grow over time. Your children need to know you love them and they are secure. Let their bodies drive what they eat and your job is to keep healthy food in their lives as much as possible. If your pediatrician thinks they are doing ok then don’t worry.
Third, offer at least something on your kid’s plate that you know they’ll eat. In my house one son like broccoli and the other green beans so we ate a lot of those. I would have liked more variety but at least they were vegetables. My sons eventually moved on to Caesar Salad so we ate a lot of that. Today as adults they eat lots of things, I just had to wait and know that their palates will most likely grow. That said, we all know adults who are still picky eaters and, hey, they’re living and breathing and it’s all just fine.
Lastly, I think it’s super fun to take our kids grocery shopping with the intention of going on a food treasure hunt. Have them pick out a few things that look interesting to THEM and incorporate them into your meals. The deal will be that each person needs to take at least one bite of the new foods and they are even welcome to spit it out if they don’t like it. The idea is to have them try, not to force them, to eat new things so please make it a fun experience and not a torturous one.

I have had some families come to me with a few other situations around food. One involved a girl in about 4th grade who was just always eating. She was eating good foods but her mom was concerned about her weight and whether she was just eating out of boredom. After brainstorming a bit, we decided that in her house she needed to set up a more appropriate guideline for when the family eats. Kids were welcome to have a snack after school but then the next time to eat was dinner. If her daughter said she was hungry later mom used love and empathy and set a new limit: “Oh that’s too bad. I’m so glad that dinner will be in a half hour.” This worked! Yep! That simple. Mom just hadn’t set any boundaries around food so the pantry being open 24/7 was the default policy. It was hurting her daughter and now her daughter adjusted her behavior and things are working really well. If you have a similar problem you can always add: “There’s carrots in the fridge!”

Another issue a family had with all of these suggestions required a bit more brainstorming. They lived in a small house and had a 4-year-old who wouldn’t eat his dinner but would wake up in the middle of the night hungry, not at a convenient time like before bedtime. Ugh. That was a major drag especially since they had a new baby and a 6-year-old. If there was a middle-of-the-night problem where the 4-year-old was hungry they couldn’t let him have a tantrum and wake everyone up. In this case, we decided feeding the child food was fine, however, the next day when things were calm the parents needed to make sure there was a loving consequence for waking up a parent due to them not finishing their dinner and being hungry in the middle-of-the-night. The consequence might be something like cleaning up toys or vacuuming the living room. The point being that the parent lost sleep and didn’t have the extra energy to do those jobs so the child needs to do it for the parent. In the Parenting the Love and Logic Way® class that I facilitate this is called an Energy Drain, see link below.

I hope you’ve got some new ideas to try to help get mealtimes under control in your house. You have the four Family Mealtime Rules to implement in addition to the ideas about how to give good food choices. I want you to try and to not give up. Setting reasonable boundaries around food is super, super important.

Link to Love and Logic® technique on ENERGY DRAIN: HERE

0 Comments

PODCAST Episode 3 - Building Resilience: Remember to Forget

3/4/2020

0 Comments

THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE: LISTEN

Thanks for coming back to listen to more practical parenting wisdom. Today we’re going to talk about situations where a parent “forgetting” provides for powerful and helpful life-long lessons for kids.

In this episode I’m going to go over some real examples from parents who have attended parenting classes that I’ve been facilitating since 2012, Parenting the Love and Logic Way®. All these parents had just learned new skills, they weren’t aged veterans who’d been doing this a long time. In these examples you can see that just making a few changes in your parenting can have a big impact on your family. Let’s get started with learning to forget.

MISSING SWIM TOWELS AND GOGGLES
The first story is about a mom of 4 young kids who let her two oldest daughters learn what happens when they forget stuff. Here’s what she wrote me:
I told the girls to get ready for swim class. I usually remind them to bring their towels and goggles. I had gotten busy with other things and I did not remind them. They have been going to this class all school year so they know what they need to bring with them. We drove to class and when we arrived discovered they both had forgotten their towels and goggles. I have in the past bought goggles and towels from the swim school when things have been forgotten. But today was different, I told them that since they forgot them there would be no swim class today and we drove home. There were tears and I just sympathized and said “I know” and “that really stinks”. When we got home we discussed how they used my gas and energy to drive them to nowhere. So to pay me back they both chose a chore around the house.
Wow! This is so cool! That mom took the bull by the horns and tried something new. You know what happened the next week when going to swimming lessons? Yep, her daughters remembered both their towels and goggles. Woohoo!

HOCKEY HOPEFULNESS
Our next story is similar. A 10-year old boy who loves ice hockey who arrived at the rink and was just getting his gear out of his bag for a practice and noticed that his skates were missing. Yes, his SKATES. Not good. “Dad, Mom, we gotta go back home! My skates are at home!” Dad empathetically and in a low tone of voice said. “Oh nooooo that is so sad… you forgot your skates. Our house is 30 minutes away. We’re not driving there and back for your skates today. What are you going to do about it?”
“I don’t know. I can’t practice without my skates! The coach is going to be so mad. Why can’t we go back and get them??!!”

“As we told you, we don’t have the time or the energy to go back home. What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know.” He sulks…
“Would you like some suggestions?” they said.
“What? Hmm… ok…”
“Well, some kids might decide to sit on the bench and just watch practice. How would that work for you?”
“That’s no good. Coach won’t like me sitting doing nothing.”
“Well, some kids might take some money and buy a new pair of skates from the skate shop here at the rink. How would that work for you?”
“Hmm… well, I do have some money from my birthday that I could use. I’ll do that!”
So a new pair of skates was purchased using the boy’s own money.

These hockey parents used their new problem-solving skills to perfection. They gave empathy first, handed the problem back to their child and then asked if he wanted suggestions. They only gave suggestions AFTER he agree to listen to some from them. They did NOT nag, remind or berate him for the situation that he had created for himself. The NATURAL consequences of his poor decision of not packing his gear more carefully in the first place was the consequence he needed. Some parents might look for extra punishments to pile on but there’s no need. Love and empathy and saying things like “wow, that certainly was a bummer to forget your skates.” Is all you need to help cement the impact of the natural consequence. This is a perfect case of “less is more”.

SUNSCREEN LESSONS
Another parent attending my class accepted my challenge of letting her kids forget something. It was summer and they were headed to Tahoe on vacation. She was a bit tired of being responsible for applying sunscreen to her 10, 8 and 6-year-old kids. She wanted to make sure they were covered, head to toe which is why she did it, sunburns were no fun. Well, she decided this could be a learning opportunity for her kids and it turned out to be for herself as well. First, she communicated her new plan. On the way to Tahoe, she told them putting on sunscreen was now their job, not hers. They were surprised, mom had never given them the option to put it on themselves. Well, much to her surprise, they did it! No complaints even. They just did it! Mom was impressed it was so easy that she didn’t even expect they would do a good job of, they did. They proved to her they were capable! She was actually prepared for a bit of sunburn here and there but there was hardly any. Wow! Her kids were capable and she had been holding them back. What a precious lesson for a parent to learn. What might your child be able to do that you don’t even know since you’re not letting them prove to you and themselves that they CAN do something?

COLD KID
In another instance, I was at church chatting with a family from my small group which is centered around parenting young children. I noticed their 7-year-old son was in shorts and a tee shirt jumping around with his hands deep in the pockets of his lightweight shorts. Mom is a pretty skilled parent after being in our group for a few years. She and I just smiled and she said how she lets her son dress himself. I asked him if he was cold and he immediately said, “No, I’m fine.” I loved it! Mom was letting him learn how to dress based on the weather instead of forcing him to wear clothes that she might deem more appropriate. He wasn’t going to freeze, we live in a mild climate, so what a great opportunity for him to learn when he’s so young. He’s learning how he feels based on what his body is telling him, not his parents. By the time he leaves home for college he’ll be all set.

COLD TEEN
However, this same lesson about weather turned out a little different with a teenage girl whose parents were attending my class. Friday night was a football game at school and when their daughter was getting ready to go it was pretty mild weather, not cold. She decided to head to the game in short shorts and a tank top. She sure was cute!

Well, by halftime they got a call. Guess who it was? Guess who was cold? Could they please bring her a coat? Oh, this was so sad, the parents said. They were in the middle of a movie. They wouldn’t be able to run over and bring a coat. They were loving and gave lots of empathy to her plight of being cold. One thing they did NOT do was lecture her about how she should have brought a coat. No nagging, no reminding is what will seal in life lessons with our kids.

They did this perfectly and they admitted to me that they had a smile on their faces since this whole situation proved to be so predictable. The only thing no longer predictable was them rescuing her. A week later when their daughter left for the next football game, do you know what she was carrying in her hand? Yep, a coat! See, even if you have a teenager it’s possible to make progress if we allow our kids to own their actions and we don’t step in to rescue or lecture them when something goes wrong.

Finder Parents
All these stories about kids who forget things reminds me of something I had to deal with myself and I find many parents have the same “skill”. The skill I am talking about is being what I call the “Finder Parent”. I’m sure you can guess what this might be just from the fun title I’ve given it. We are the parents who can find anything, anywhere for our family members.

·        When our kid shouts out “Where are my soccer cleats?” We are the people who tell them they are under a pile of dirty laundry in their room and not in the garage shoe bench where they should be. If someone needs a band aid, or scissors, or a certain type of graph paper or a favorite toy? We can point to the item without batting an eye or lifting a finger.

·        Being the Finder Parent is a tough job since as The Finder if you don’t find something like the basketball shoes before game then it is YOUR fault that a child is late or can’t play. It’s your fault if the appropriate coat can’t be found or a school form is missing that needs to be turned in. It’s a job with very few rewards and many downsides like getting yelled at or being made to feel guilty that someone wasn’t ready for some event or another on time because YOU couldn’t find something. This totally sucks! Who signed us up for such a thankless task? We did! Yep… every one of us signed ourselves up. Why? We just want things to go well! We want people to be on time and have their stuff and us knowing immediately where things are really helps. Or does it? Hmmm….

·        As you can probably tell by now The Finder is really a house helicopter and if that’s you that is one job you need to resign from ASAP! Yep, just resign.

·        When you see your kids kick off their shoes in random places and they don’t care that they might not be able to find them later, then you need not care either. When a kid’s water bottle is left in the car and not refilled because they forgot to bring it in, you forget that too. They yell in the morning “Where’s my water bottle?” as they’re getting their things together you just lovingly say “I don’t’ know honey, where did you leave it? I bet if you look you can find it.” “I looked; I can’t find it!” You reply lovingly in an empathetic tone of voice, “That’s so sad, what are you going to do about it?”

·        When your kid has to go to soccer or baseball and they pick up their gear bag without looking inside to see if everything is there, make sure you don’t look either. I know, it’s soooo tempting but, just don’t look. Once you get to the field and your kid finally notices they don’t have their shin guards or cup, you just give them love and empathy. “Oh no, that is too bad. I’m so sorry. “ You don’t start lecturing. You just give love and empathy!! That will be really, really hard but just hold to that – love and empathy. “But mom, I can’t play without shin guards!” “I know, that’s so sad.” “Why didn’t you pack my gear?! It’s your fault! Go home and get it right now so I can play!” This will be a hard game for them to sit out but you just say in that loving and empathetic voice you’ve been practicing, “I can see how you might feel that way but in our house your gear is your gear. I love you and I’m sure next time you’ll get everything in your bag.” This whole scenario will work a lot better if you have a family meeting ahead of time to lay out the new Family Rule that your children own their gear and get it ready, not you. I would encourage you to add to a rule for unpacking gear being their job too - sports gear, lunchboxes, and backpacks should all be included in that list.

·        It’s hard to watch our kids fail but the more we let them own their “stuff” and the earlier in their lives they know it’s “their stuff” then they learn to not rely on others to take care of it, but to responsible and that’s what we need them to be in the long run. Remember, our goal is to create responsible adults and doing that will involve lessons like all of these.

One last thought I have for all of you is that I want you to know that I’m not asking you to abandon your kids. I certainly want to encourage you to help and coach your kids moving toward the right behaviors. To accomplish this we need to be coaches, giving them hints from the sidelines where we brainstorm with them maybe how to come up with a list of items that go into a sports gear bag or what needs to go into a backpack before leaving for school. We don’t’ step in early and give them a plan; we wait till they ask and we give empathy and love when things aren’t going well instead of lecturing and taking over. It’s hard to watch sometimes but in the long run things will get better and better when we learn to forget.

0 Comments

PODCAST Episode 8: Night Time Battles - Teen Edition

PODCAST Episode 7 - Night Time Battles: Toddler to Elementary

PODCAST Episode 6: Tantrums and Calm Down Time

PODCAST Episode 5: Fun With Food: Teen Edition

PODCAST Episode 4 - Fun with Food: Toddler to Elementary Edition

PODCAST Episode 3 - Building Resilience: Remember to Forget

Categories

Archives