EMPATHY is key to providing and creating a loving environment in our homes.  However,  most of us also know it is one of the hardest things to do when we are crazed by our children and their poor decisions and choices. 

Who can possibly be calm when you've...

• just asked your child to pick up their toys for the 10th time?
• seen the homework that was due yesterday in their backpack?
• catch them on YouTube when they're supposed to be using their computer for "homework"?
• they've lost their jacket for the umpteenth time?
• they've stayed out too late with their friends and didn't call you or text you?

Ugh!  All of those situations and hundreds more just make our blood boil, don't they?  We want to yell, scream and pull our hair out.  But... we all need the big EMPATHY reminder card, don't we?  It's EMPATHY that will bring love into our households and allow us to lovingly give either consequences or allow natural consequences to sink in all on their own.  We don't have to the the "bad guy" at all if we remember our EMPATHY.  Let's try it out on the examples above:

• Not obeying the first time:  
  • Wow, this is sooooo sad, it looks like Mommy will be picking up toys.  No problem,  Mommy keeps the toys that she picks up.  I love you so much.
  •   Then you pick up the toys WITHOUT nagging and complaining and just put them away.
  • Your child could moan, complain and have a tantrum but you keep CALM, go BRAINDEAD and use EMPATHY to let them know that it sure is a bummer.  "I know..." is a classic line to use at this point.  
• Missing homework:
  • Wow, this is soooo sad, it looks like this is your homework due yesterday.  What a bummer.  What do you think you're going to do about that?
  • Then you use the PROBLEM SOLVING technique to ask them if they'd like some suggestions.  Feel free to give them more EMPATHY if they decide to either solve or NOT solve their issue.  Give them love and let them know you are sure they can handle it and you are here if they'd like some help.   
• Electronics mis-use:
  • Hmmm... I can see that you're being challenged with using your electronics.  This is soooo sad.  I'm going to have to do something about that.  I love you.  I'm sure we'll be able to think of a solution.  
  • Then you're best to have a FAMILY MEETING to see if you can brainstorm some ideas about how to as a family solve electronics problems.  This won't be easy in some families but if you never try then things will typically only get worse.  If you can lovingly set up an electronics contract that allows the kids some control over their time while allowing everyone to know the consequences then you won't be the bad guy, the contract will especially if the kids decide what the punishment is!

I don't want this blog to get too long so I'll stop there but giving the EMPATHY in one liners like "This is sooooo sad" or "What a bummer" and restraining ourselves from giving the "I told you so" and very un-loving badgering that we tend to do really will bring love back into our families.  

Why is it that some siblings just can't seem to stop picking at each other? If it isn't arguing over a toy then it's something as trivial as how one looks at the other. "Stop staring at me!" was a classic from my childhood.

What to do as the parent is the REAL question though! The tone you set in your home with sibling spat will ultimately define you. Here are some ideas to help you out.

#1 - STAY CALM
You knew that was coming, didn't you? Yep, you have stay calm no matter what. If you yell, you are just giving in to the stress and conflict that are brewing, a recipe for disaster and frustration.

#2 - KEEP OUT OF IT
You should let your kids try to solve their own relationship issue. Step in only when there is danger or physical harm.

#3 - DON'T TAKE SIDES
If you do have to get involved, you need to stay unbiased, no need to figure out "who caused it". The main thing to keep in mind is that it takes "two to tangle" so dealing with both kids equally should be your course of action.

#4 - USE ENERGY DRAIN
Just like whining, sibling rivalry surely drains energy in a household. Ugh! Does it ever! Start by handing out a good does of EMPATHY:
"Gosh, all that arguing is really draining my energy. This is so sad."
Then deliver the ENERGY DRAIN consequence:
"I guess you two will have to figure out how to put energy back in me. How about taking a look at the list on the fridge? Let me know which one you each decide."
The trick with Energy Drains and sibling spats is to just give them, don't start taking sides or anything, just hand out the consequences and follow through. Feel free to be too drained to make dinner or drive kids to their soccer practices. ;)
If you need a list of ideas look on my website under "Parent Resources".

#5 - SEPARATION
If the kids are angry and out of control feel free to separate them until they cool off:
"Wow, this is so sad. It really looks like you two need some time to cool off. Go ahead to your rooms and come out when you're feeling better."
You'll still be using #4 above after they cool off but feel free to get them calm first.

​#6 - FAMILY MEETING AND BRAINSTORMING
This is the WOW in being a family if you ask me -- solving problems and modeling how to do that with your kids. After everyone is calm and at a time in the future, Sunday nights might be a good time, hold a Family Meeting and talk about ways to communicate and avoid sibling conflicts. If your kids are always fighting about Legos, you'd maybe set up some structure for who gets to use which ones first on a rotating basis. If one kid is taking too long in the bathroom, set up parameters for that. If one kid is staring at the other just to piss the other one off, feel free to role play how they might interact differently.

One last thought about Family Meetings is that you shouldn't just have one, have another a week later to check in to see if there is more tweaking that can be done. I often coach families to use Family Meetings to solve other problems like getting out the door in the morning or setting up bedtime routines.

Here's also a nice article I found on Sibling Rivalry
http://kidshealth.org/en/parents/sibling-rivalry.html#

When I think of the word "tantrum" it brings to mind a toddler.  Does it for you?  However, as I've learned over the years tantrums and meltdowns aren't limited to those under the age of 4. Have you noticed that too?

Toddler tantrums might involve crying, screaming, hitting, even biting.  But how about elementary age kids?  Mostly the crying and screaming part, maybe add in calling us bad names.  When kids get to middle and high school they should be mature enough not to melt down, right?  Wrong!  They are just as likely to fall apart as a two year old, we just can't pick them up and haul them out of the store and, thank goodness,  they do tend to do it at home, not in public.  Whew!

The real problem isn't that our kids are losing control,  its that they make US lose control too!  Oh my... now that's a problem, right?    Those emotional bombs that they lob our way hit us hard!  What can we do to keep calm and loving in the midst of such trials in our parenthood?  

#1 - Remember tantrums are not about us!  
Yep,  the tantrum is your child's inability to process and deal with disappointment, lack of control or maybe some fear they are having.  It's THEIR tantrum, let them have it. Their emotions need to be let out somehow, be the adult, don't react.  Keep in mind that your kid, no matter their age, doesn't have the adult skills to hold in their emotions so don't take offense. 

#2 - Go BRAIN DEAD!
Ah ha!  You need to STOP talking, STOP advising, STOP yelling and STOP getting mad at them for being out of control.  You stay in control by zipping your lips.  Don't say anything,  especially if you are feeling emotional.  If they start yelling and wanting to get you all upset by saying mean things, feel free to use "brain dead" phrases like: 

• I knowwwwwww.... 
• That's a bummer....
• Hmmm.... 

The secret is to say almost NOTHING so they can't throw your words back at you.... something short and simple or just a grunt will do.  Oh yes,  don't forget that you can walk away if things are rough.  

#3 - Give EMPATHY
Even though it's hard to do,  your kids really need love during a tantrum and empathy helps deliver that.  Sometimes you'll need to wait for some of the emotion to die down so your child can hear your empathy, be patient.  You can use empathetic phrases like: 

• I'm so sorry that your friend hurt your feelings.  I can tell it really upsets you.
• I know you want your dessert right now but we have to have dinner first.
• It's so sad when your sister yelled out all the answers to the game we were playing.  That doesn't seem fair, does it?
• I'm so sorry that your team lost the tournament.  I know you worked really hard.
• It must be really frustrating to do all that work on your assignment and not get the grade on it that you expected.  

Don't forget that hugs are welcome empathetic calming tools as well.  :)

#4 - Problem Solve
When the main part of the tantrum has passed away, which might be an hour but it could be days later, calmly revisit the situation.  The idea is to see if you can help your child come up with a solution to avoid the trauma the next time when a similar situation arises.  It is super healthy to model this type of problem solving!  There are several steps to problem solving but one of the main ones is to ASK your child if they'd like to hear some ideas.  Sometimes your child will say no, don't push.  Keep waiting until the right moment of calm comes into your lives.  In my talks that I give I call this "seize the moment" where you take the spotlight off them, create a fun diversion so they let their guard down and then it opens up their hearts and minds to talk about what is hurting them.  

• If feelings were hurt you can brainstorm about what your child's reaction might be next time.
• If something unexpected like not getting dessert happens you chat about realistic expectations for family food times.
• If poor sportsmanship happens help your child come up with ideas of how to handle rule-breakers in the future.
• If your child loses either academically or athletically, talk about healthy ways to handle those emotions.  

 School is fast approaching!  Yikes!  Are you ready?  Did your child study enough over the summer so they are up to speed on Day 1?  Did they go to a STEM camp?  A STEAM camp?  Practice their math facts?  Take summer school to "get ahead"?  Do their summer reading?  What ever happened to "summer fun" anyway? 

If you're reading this you already have an idea that we, as parents, are trying to wrestle a bit of life out of the academics battlefield.  Instead of giving in to the academics urge, I wanted to give you some tips of how to merge the two concepts -- teaching life skills while staying on pace with academics.  

Tip 1 - School Supplies 

• Give your kid a budget! 
• Let them shop the aisles, all you need to do is the driving.

When my kids had no budget they shopped for expensive binders and accessories.  When I gave them a budget and told them they could keep what they didn't use, all of the sudden were willing to reuse last year's stuff.  Amazing!  You know the really cool thing?  I spent less even though they kept some of their budget.  It’s all about incentive and responsibility. This takes a lot of stress off your shoulders when you hold your kids accountable.

Tip 2 - School Clothes

• Again: give your kid a budget!
• Younger kids: have them pick and try on the clothes.  Sit down with your child and plan a list of things they need -- shorts? pants? shirts? hair ties?   coat? sweatshirt? Then go shopping.  If you’re both walking into your shopping experience with a budget and an agenda, there’s a smaller chance your kid will be grabbing everything from the shelves.
• Middle/High School: drop them off at the mall and have them put clothes on hold till the end of the day.  When you pick them up plan time to go back to the stores and purchase the clothes.  They can keep track of what they have put on hold and decide later which things to really buy.  These older kids should plan what they need before they go but gently ask if they've done that. 

Tip 3 - Homework

• Younger kids (preschool/elementary): these kids can plan and complete homework assignments on their own.  LET THEM!  If things are hard and they need help, let them know you are there to help, not to DO the homework.  Have your child help select the area they will be doing their homework and what supplies they need.  
• Older kids: Let them plan their homework schedule - when and where they do it.  Before or after snack?  Before or after dinner?  With music on or off? Let their teachers be their judge of quality, not you, unless the teacher asks you to do this.
• If they need to buy supplies for a project make sure you are the driver, not the one doing the shopping.  Use ENERGY DRAIN if they tell you at 9pm the night before something is due.   
• Have them put their homework in their backpack.  NO REMINDERS!  They will remember to do it only when we forget.  Use EMPATHY when they do forget. 

Tip 5 - Lunchtime

• Have them make their own sandwich or main course.  Yes, even a 5 year old should be able to make a PB&J or a ham sandwich.  
• Allow your child to choose a fun, exciting lunchbox.   If your kids are older, let them take a paper bag if they want to. It doesn't matter what they use;
  what matters is that THEY plan what they are eating and that they remember to pack it and put it in their backpack.
• Let them choose what goes into the lunch box.  Have lots of healthy options to choose from but THEY need to do the choosing.  
• DON'T remind them to pack their lunch or to put it in their backpack!  DO NOT!!!  They will remember... only when we forget.  :)  Use EMPATHY when they forget.  Use PROBLEM SOLVING when it becomes a repeating problem. 
• Let them UN-pack their lunches and clean their lunch bags.

School and academics certainly seem to be winning the battle but you as a parent can make a dent if you start letting go of the non-academic lessons that are swirling about you every academic day.  

Enjoy the school year!

One dad had a brave story to tell of how to let his young son make decisions and live with the consequences. It was a bit nerve racking but this dad did it! 
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I got to use the skills in the car ride home, after I had asked my son, 4 years old, if he needed to go potty before we left an event we were at. He said no, as usual. But 500 feet after leaving in the van, he said he had to go potty really bad.

This was a challenging moment to work in some natural consequences. I wondered if I was willing to clean up the mess if he didn't make it – realistically, about 20 minutes. It would have not been much hassle to turn around and let him go in the church restrooms.

Staying calm, I told him I'd look for a place that he could go potty, but that there were none around and he'd probably have to hold it. I gave him some words of encouragement. "You can do it, pal." I did this a couple times, but mainly practiced my brain dead responses to his painful squawks, which were designed to communicate this was it! …That he just couldn't hold it anymore!

I certainly was feeling empathy for him. Man, that's not comfortable. But this is a pattern for him. He loves to say he doesn't have to go and gets himself into these situations.

It was an interesting 20 minutes. He made it just fine. It was good for me not to get sucked into his drama, and drive calmly toward home. I really don't know if he learned a lesson this time, but I'm sure in those harrowing moments, or in the bathroom at home, some thoughts fired.
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When we helicopter our kids when they make poor decisions (not going to the bathroom) the kids really don't learn any decision making skills when we allow them to change their minds at the drop of a hat (turning the car around). I don't want you to think this is harsh, it works the same if your kid says they aren't cold and won't take a coat with them or they aren't hungry when dinner comes. As long as the situation isn't life threatening (unaffordable) we as parents need to restraint from making our kids lives perfect just because we know better.

While on a camping trip recently a son was having trouble with finding a way to recharge his phone. He had the idea that the car could charge his phone - he'd done it plenty of times while driving on trips with his dad. He asked his dad for the keys to start the car. Dad mentioned that the car battery might die if he did that but that the bathroom might have an outlet.

His son went down to the camp bathroom and accessed the situation. Nope. No can do. The car was a much better option in his mind so he went ahead and plugged in. Within a short time, the car battery was drained. How could such a small device make a car battery drain? He was astonished! 

He went to his dad and let him know. 

          "Gee, that's so sad. What are you going to do about it? " dad said. 
          "Dad, YOU have to fix it. I don't know how!" 

Dad asked if he'd like some suggestions. He wasn't really interested so Dad just let it go. They were traveling with 8 or so other vehicles and Dad knew they weren't stranded and he could let the problem go. They weren't leaving for another day. He refrained from any lecturing or nagging.

The next day with the battery STILL dead the son was asking dad what he was going to do about it. The dad CALMLY passed the problem back to his son and asked if he'd like some suggestions. The son was starting to see it was HIS problem and now he was willing to listen. After offering to go with his son to some of the friends, the son STILL decided not handle the problem. He had wanted dad to do the talking and dad was happy to stand beside him while HE asked, but not do it for him. 

After a few more hours everyone was packing up their cars to leave. Their car was STILL with a dead battery and, miracle, the other friends actually came over to the car and offered to help. The son said yes and the car started, no problem.

On the drive home dad talked to his son about the incident and what was so hard. His son confessed he was just so embarrassed about doing something so stupid he didn't want to admit it to everyone. They ended the conversation nicely with a talk about having to solve problems that you create.

The son is now an expert in car batteries. The dad did an awesome job of providing the room for his son to learn from his mistakes -- no lecturing or hovering. Wonderful!

Dad had just finished dropping off his 11 year old at school and was on his way to work. His cell phone rang. He could hear the panic in his son's voice as he answered the call on his blue tooth phone connection. "Dad! I forgot my science project! It's due today! You have to bring it to me!"

Dad calmly and empathetically replied, "Oh dear, son, that's such a bummer. I know you were working hard on that last night. I'm on my way to work right now. " 

"Dad, please, you GOTTA help me out! I really need it!" his son pressed on.

"Hmmm... this is going to cost me a lot of time but it seems important."

Dad then looked at the clock in his car, turned around and went home to get the forgotten project. He then drove to school and looked at the clock again as he handed his son the assignment. 20 minutes, he noted.

He said, "Here you go. Have a nice day!" No lecturing, no reminding how thoughtless he'd been or anything. Just a nice, sweet farewell with a smile.

Dad then had a pleasant day at work. 

A few days later it was Saturday. Dad had delayed the consequence perfectly. He said to his son, "Son, remember how I brought you that assignment this week?" "Yep." "Well, that took 20 minutes out of my schedule and I'd like you to pay back the energy that was drained. I really need my car washed inside and out. That will take at least that."

His son went ahead and cleaned the car. It seemed like an even deal in his mind. 

Why no fuss from his son? Because Dad had stopped lecturing and let his son's poor decision do the work. The Energy Drain and Delayed Consequences worked in everyone's favor.

Awesome job, Dad!

 A high school boy came home day after day saying how much he didn't like his teacher. He felt that the teacher picked on him and always noticed the things he was doing wrong even though his grade was fine. Moreover, the boy started not wanting to do his work for this teacher he was so frustrated. 

Mom, having learned some new techniques, decided to hand the problem back to her son. She knew that in the past she might try to take sides and even talk to the teacher to see what the problem was. Instead, she tried this:

1. Empathy: "Wow… it must feel like a drag to have to go to that class each day when you feel your teacher doesn't like you."
2. Hand the problem back: "What are you going to do about it?"   Her son told her he didn't care.  Nothing could be done. 
3. Ask permission: "Well, would you like some ideas about what SOME kids might do about it?"  Her son said yes, ok, fine, if you want mom…
4. Give a few ideas: "How about you bring him donuts some morning? How would that work?" No, mom, he's not worth it.  "How about you go in during tutorial and check your last test and see if you can talk to him? How would that work?" Mom, I don't care about my grade in that class!  "How about you challenge yourself to have a conversation with him to see if you can win him over? Just a mental challenge, nothing more? Would that work?"  Her son thought about that one… he liked challenges.
5. Give them support: "Good luck with the teacher. Let me know if you need any more suggestions. I'm sure you'll be able to work something out."

A week later her son came back. He said he did go talk to the teacher during the tutorial period and just chatted about sports. It turned out it was one of the teacher's favorite topics. He was amazed at how after that one conversation the teacher no longer picked on him, didn't notice if he put his head down on his desk during videos or much of anything. He had a smile on his face. He beat the challenge and proved that just by making a connection with someone it could make a huge difference in his life. 

Yeah! 
Huge life lesson learned!