Podcast 54 - Gifts and Grandparents: How to Tame Them

With the holiday season fast approaching I wanted to take a few minutes out to support your parenting in a different way than normal.   We’re going to talk about YOUR parents and how to manage them.  Kids are hard enough but some of you struggle with grandparents and relatives who all have great and well-meaning hearts but who create unwanted issues when they deluge your kids with gifts. 

Last year I did a podcast called “Giving with a Glad Heart”, episode 23, that talked about gift giving; both giving gifts to your kids as well as the kids to each other and it touched on dealing with relatives.  However, when working with a group of young families from my church recently I was taken aback with how much distress grandparents as well as well-meaning aunts and uncles put a damper the notion of gift giving in some families.  My husband and I had parents who were very restrained in their giving so we really never had to deal with what I’m calling the Gift Monster to give a name to the elephant in the room.  In some families it’s big and can really cause a lot of problems that young parents don’t know how to tame.   What am I talking about?  See if you can see your own situation in the following Gift Monster descriptions:

• The Robber: This is where you feel robbed of being able to give gifts to your own kids due to others wanting to give and taking up the prized items that you would like to be the one to give them.  Grandpa really wants to give them the latest Xbox or a new bike which was exactly what you were planning to do.  Then what are you left with?  Grandpa is doing this out of love so we can’t fault him for that but it just doesn’t feel right, we feel robbed.
  
  
• The Pressure Cooker:  This Monster wants to pressure you into coming up with lists of things your kids need.  Holidays are enough pressure with travel and parties and shopping that having relatives bugging us for detailed lists can stress some of us out.  Some of you are great at making those lists but some of us aren’t and it adds to holiday stress not to mention the predicament that your kids might not need much and you have to make up gifts just to have something on a list.
  
  
• The Gift Mix Up: This is where the person who gives the gifts isn’t a person anymore in the eyes of our kids, they get mixed up that there’s a person behind the gifting who loves them.  The relationship is one only based in gifts, not in a relationship with the giver.  If grandma always arrives with a gift, grandma thinks she’s getting love when those eyes light up but as kids get older and entitlement creeps in, and if the gifts stop or aren’t the ones expected then people like Grandma can be really hurt. 
  
  
• The Family Values Victim:  You know the times when someone gives your kids a gift that you and your spouse have banned from your home due to family value choices?  Some of us decide that eco-friendly goods, non-branded toys or gender-neutral toys are what we want for our kids.  Or maybe we don’t want to introduce certain electronic devices into our kids’ lives until a certain age.  Our values can fall victim to well-meaning relatives who just want so show their love with the latest and greatest amazing toy or device that just became available.  They’ve waited in line for hours just to get the first Xbox or iPhone or whatever out of LOVE for you and your kids.  How can you say no when they show up with such a sacrificial gift? 
  
  
• Creativity Criminal: Studies that show how too many toys harms creativity in kids.  I’ll include some links to articles from Psychology Today and Today’s Parent. The articles remind me how one of my sons always wanted yet-another-Lego-set.  He had plenty of Lego bricks but those sets are so alluring to a kid, why create when you can just build something beautiful based on a plan laid out for you?  Good job for the Lego company, not so good for creativity.  We need a few empty boxes with some markers and scissors once in a while, don’t we?
  
  
• Numbness St. Nick:   One story I read about was an adorable little girl who was numb from opening up so many gifts at Christmas with all the relatives sitting around watching for her reaction.  She’d smile like a robot and say thanks to put aside that present and move to the next present.  Last Christmas I got to spend with some extended family and see grandkids opening their third set of gifts for the day.  While it was exciting, there were only one or two gifts the kids really paid attention to. 
  
  
• Entitlement Enemy: Over time this Gift Monster can create mini monsters out of our kids.  Feelings of entitlement can start to ooze out when they don’t get exactly what they want.  Hopefully that won’t be you but, over time, it’s a possible long-term unwanted outcome.
  
  
• Clutter King: The last “gift” our Gift Monster leaves for us is a home littered with stuff.  This leads many of us to design special storage systems to sort different types of items and make regular runs to Salvation Army and Good Will.  Our relatives mean well but do they have any idea where we’ll put all this stuff!
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Did you see your life being consumed by any of those Gift Monsters?  If so, listen on to what can you do.  Now that you’ve named your Gift Monster, how do you tame it? 

SOLUTIONS

HAVE A CONVERSATION IN A FAMILY MEETING:
First and foremost, you need have a conversation to set boundaries.  Just like you do with your kids, I’m going to suggest holding a Family Meeting with Relatives. 
In this case, you’re going to flip the audience from your kids to your parents or your spouse’s parents, feel free to include any other relatives that need reigning in. 

• If both sets of parents are needing boundaries you can arrange for one meeting but it might be two different meetings, or more meetings if there are divorced parents involved.  The point here is not to have a casual conversation with anyone.
• Take them to lunch or dinner if they’re local.  Hire a babysitter to give you dedicated time to talk or have your spouse watch the kids while you go out if you can’t afford one.  Be in a public place if you have a feeling they might over react.  People usually are more restrained in public places. 
• If they are not local then set up a Zoom call or phone call after your kids are in bed. 
• You and your spouse should spend a few minutes drafting up some talking points especially if you think you’re going to get a bunch of push back.

 
DEFINE THE PROBLEM
At the meeting…

• Rule #1 – make sure you let all your gift givers know they are loved and appreciated!  They are special and you need to treat them with as much care as you possibly can.
• Explain your challenges with the Gift Monster in your life to them, whichever one is plaguing you whether it’s the Clutter King, Creativity Criminal or Numbness St. Nick.
• You need to communicate what the “problem” is. It might sound something like: “Our kids are learning that the world is made of material things.  We want them to learn to love you as people through time and attention, not things.  Gift giving has gotten out of control and we need your help in reigning things in.” 

 
SET CLEAR AND FIRM BOUNDARIES

• Have some ideas about what you’d like to have done so that there are CHOICES.  Have them pick and choose and compromise for what can work in your situation.  It might look like:
  • Only experience gifts like movie passes, tickets to the zoo, annual passes to a children’s museum or water park
    • I want to confess my strong bias for giving the gift of time.  There’s nothing like a date with grandma and grandpa for relationship building especially if some special activity is involved. 
  • Gifts of lessons – swimming, art, dance, piano, whatever they’d like to learn
  • Donations to a college fund
  • Coupon book with for sleepovers at Grandmas, a paint-your-nails party at Aunt Linda’s, sand castle building with Grandpa, or riding bikes to get frozen yogurt
  • Books! As many as they want!
  • Or set a limit of how many gifts per child and a physical size limit
  • Or, another favorite that I love for just your immediate family but you might like for grandparents is the FOUR GIFT TRADITION: Something they want, something they need, something to wear, something to read.  Love it!  Four gifts.  Simple.
• Whichever solution you come up with, you need to be really firm in your boundaries and define consequences.  What might they be?  Here are a few ideas:

 
DEALING WITH BOUNDARY VIOLATORS

• Feel free to have follow up Family Meetings to clarify when things don’t go as you planned
• Intercept the Gifts at the door whether it’s holidays or birthdays
• Open Gifts later instead of in front of the relatives, they can sit under the tree and just wait for everyone to leave
• Return gifts and put the money into college funds or other savings

 
BOUNDARIES STORIES
I have two amazing young moms who’ve tackled their Gift Monsters head on and they work to this day.

1. Toy Limit Family – this family lives in a beautiful and natural environment and wanted to promote the outdoors and creativity.  Their family toy rule is that each of their two sons are allowed four toys each.  The relatives can give as many toys as they’d like but for each toy that comes in one goes out to a local shelter.  Ouch.  That’s a tough one especially when my girlfriend was the grandma.  The couple was totally strict about their rule.  Grandma was generous with her time anyway but now she didn’t have the pressure to buy toys and tee shirts on vacation since she knew that it was her time and being creative that was her real gift.  All that I can say is… AMAZING and brave of that family.  Love it!
2. How Christmas is Celebrated – this young couple knew that boundaries needed to be set when they got married, yes, married.  They told both sets of parents that they will be spending Christmas Eve services at their own church and would always be celebrating in their own home on Christmas morning.  However, they would always be willing to go to visit after that.  My friend said their families thought that was a bit harsh when they didn’t even have kids yet but, 14 years later and with 3 kids, it’s turned out really well.  They definitely make sure both sets of grandparents get equal access, but the firm and loving boundaries and consistency has kept their relations with all relatives really solid.  Communication was the key.

As I finish this podcast with you, I do want to give you some wise words.  Take it slow.  Take in what you’ve learned, work on just one part at a time or one side of the family at a time.  Maybe, for you, it will be to plant a seed for next year that maybe things can be different instead of upsetting the apple cart this year.  It’s all ok.  At least you might know now that you’re not the only one who has a Gift Monster to tame and, hey, you might never tame it but know that there’s empathy and love for having to get through each season.  If you have a story you’d like to tell me about, I’d love to hear about it!  If you want advice, I’m here for you.  Just email me [email protected].

I hope you’ve found some ideas that can help tame your Gift Monsters into loving and warm Gift Angels so that you and your kids can enjoy a lifetime of enchanted moments with all those who love them.