LINK TO AUDIO PODCAST 79
Today we’re talking about one of the most frustrating situations in parenting — when your kid does something you don’t want them to do, over and over again, and there’s no obvious consequence that fits. No natural fallout. Just you, at the end of your rope, wondering whether to yell, take away the iPad, or just give in.
If that sounds familiar, stay with me. Because today I’m sharing a technique from Love and Logic® parenting called Energy Drain — and once you get the hang of it, it genuinely changes things.
PART 1: What Drains Your Energy Bucket
Here’s the basic idea. As parents, we have a bucket of energy. And certain behaviors drain it — whining, talking back, sibling fighting, ignoring screen time limits, forgetting things at school that require us to make a special trip, not doing chores or homework. You know the list.
The problem with most of these is that there’s no natural consequence. When a kid whines or talks back, what happens? Usually, we react. We get frustrated, we raise our voices, we threaten — and secretly, that reaction is exactly what some kids are hoping for. They’d rather have us dragged down and frustrated than have us hold firm. And when we finally give in just to make it stop, they learn that persistence works.
That cycle is exhausting. And it doesn’t change anything.
PART 2: How to Let Kids Know They’ve Drained You
So instead of reacting, we name it. Calmly, with empathy — not as punishment, just as honest communication.
For younger kids, a little drama goes a long way. Something like: “Oh wow, all those toys on the floor really drained my energy. I’ve got to sit down and recover… I’m not sure I can get up for a while.” Or at bedtime: “This is so sad. It took so long to brush your teeth that I’m too drained to read a book tonight. I really hope I have my energy back tomorrow.”
Yes, this might cause a meltdown the first time. Hang tight. Tomorrow night will go more smoothly — and every time you hold firm, your words carry more weight.
For tweens and teens, skip the drama and keep it casual. A simple “Hey, the way you talked to me today really drained my energy” is enough. They may roll their eyes — that’s okay. If you have older kids, I’d recommend introducing this concept at a family meeting first, so it doesn’t come out of nowhere.
PART 3: How Kids Replenish the Energy
Now here’s where the real learning happens.
Once everyone has calmed down — and this part matters, so wait until the tears have stopped and you’re both in a good headspace — you bring it up. Not with anger, just with curiosity.
Something like: “You know how you and your brother were fighting earlier? That really drained my energy. What would you like to do to put some energy back?”
Or: “I had to drive your homework to school today, which took an hour out of my day. I’m wondering how you’re going to put some energy back for me. Would you like some ideas, or do you want to pick something off our list?”
I have a sample Energy Drain list on my website that you can download. It’s a list of age-appropriate tasks your child doesn’t normally do: making part of dinner, sweeping the floor, dusting, something that feels a little special. The key is that it’s one of your jobs, not theirs.
And here’s a tip — if you involve your kids in creating that list, they buy into it so much faster. When they’ve helped decide what’s on it, it stops feeling like punishment and starts feeling like a system everyone agreed to.
The whole point is to help their brains make the connection: my behavior affects other people. When we let things slide without any response, kids don’t learn that lesson — and entitlement quietly takes root. This technique, done with love and consistency, is how we interrupt that pattern.
PART 4: When Kids Choose Not to Replenish
Now — what if they just refuse?
This is where you need to know your child’s currency. What do they care about most? Because the follow-through sounds like this, said warmly and without drama:
•“I drive kids to school who’ve put my energy back.”
•“I read books at bedtime to kids who’ve put my energy back.”
•“I cook dinner for kids who’ve put my energy back.”
•“I do laundry for kids who’ve put my energy back.”
These aren’t punishments — they’re just honest. And if your child pushes back or has a meltdown, you go what Love and Logic calls “brain dead.” You don’t argue, you don’t explain. You just say, gently: “Yeah, I know… it’s really hard sometimes. I’m sure you’ll figure it out. I love you.” And you walk away.
I want to share something that worked really well in my own house when my boys were in middle and high school. Instead of nagging about chores — which was draining everyone — I set up a payment system. I posted a list of charges on the fridge: $20 if I took the garbage bins to the street, $5 to refill the toilet paper, $10 to brush the cat. I collected once a month. And I was always willing to bargain — if they did one of my jobs, they didn’t have to pay. It kept me from getting resentful, it kept them accountable, and honestly? It kept the whole house a lot calmer.
If you talk about this as a family — what drains your energy, what fills it back up — you’re doing something bigger than managing behavior. You’re teaching your kids that families are communities, and that every person in that community has an impact on the others.
When those interactions become more positive and more intentional, nobody runs out of energy. And that’s a pretty great place to be.
If you have questions, email me [email protected].