Blog for parenting issues and techniques

Christmas Lists and Brain Dead

12/2/2016

The holiday season certainly brings about a lot of stress and sometimes our kids show a bit too much of the "I wants" for our taste. One parent recently asked me what to do about her elementary school child who constantly asked her what he was getting for Christmas. He'd already given her his "list" (which was quite long!) and he wanted to know which presents he'd be getting. He kept asking... over and over and over, day after day and it wasn't even December yet!

What does she do?

Which response would you have if you were her?
1- Well, it'll depend on how you are behaving. If you are nice, it'll be more. If you keep up this nagging you won't be getting much.
2- I only give presents to kids who are getting a passing grade in Math.
3- Hmm... no idea...

What do you notice about responses #1 and #2? Do you see how the parent is reacting to the nagging behavior? Will it stop the child from asking again an hour later? Probably not. Most likely, they will want to keep trying to get a read on their Present Thermometer -- your mood!

The proper way to respond is simply to NOT respond, use BRAIN DEAD! There's no need to say anything either way. Just go brain dead! Presents are gifts. They should be from the heart and not a result of who nags the most. Explaining that to your child, however, will only lead to them using your words to get back at you so... DON'T. Just say "hmmm" or mumble something really simple and boring like "It's hard not to know." then "I know... " when they try to get in your face about it.

One last comment to those parents who have really persistent kids who still won't stop, use ENERGY DRAIN. Something like "Wow, it really drains my energy when you keep asking me over and over. What can you do to put that energy back in Mommy?". Take a look on my website under "Parent Resources" for an Energy Drain list of ideas if you need them.

Using "I know" and Going Brain Dead on Smart Kids -- Can It Backfire?

9/8/2015

This mom has a smart kid... don't we all! Going brain dead and keeping calm is what we're trying to do when we keep repeating "I know". Sometimes parents are challenged when we want to laugh at what happens. wink emoticon
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I was getting my son ready for bed. He said, "I want X" and I said that we weren't going to do that tonight. He said, "But I want X" and I said "I know" and then he said it again and I said I know again. The funny thing was that he followed me and he said "Well, since you know, then can you come over and do X."

I thought it was so clever I almost gave in, but stayed strong!

"Keep on Truckin" and Calm Mommy

9/8/2015

This mom is busy, busy and was struggling until she started getting some new skills. Read on to hear how keeping calm and setting expectations really helped keep moms energy from being drained.

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I've been using this on my 2 year old son who runs everywhere!! We were at the park (he and I) had to use the restroom and usually have to chase him down to get him to follow me. He said he wanted to see the train but I said I needed to use the restroom. I said "aaaaah lets go to the bathroom first and see the train after." I turned and started walking to the bathroom and instead of running to get him he said "oh-Tay" and followed me to the bathroom! It was awesome!! It's the small things. Didn't react and get mad or chase him like he wants me to.

Also I've been asking my 4 year old who likes to talk baby talk to talk to me in a voice mommy likes to hear and she immediately changes her tone and voice. Crazy!!
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Natural Consequences and Brain Dead on a Car Drive

8/11/2015

One dad had a brave story to tell of how to let his young son make decisions and live with the consequences. It was a bit nerve racking but this dad did it!
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I got to use the skills in the car ride home, after I had asked my son, 4 years old, if he needed to go potty before we left an event we were at. He said no, as usual. But 500 feet after leaving in the van, he said he had to go potty really bad.

This was a challenging moment to work in some natural consequences. I wondered if I was willing to clean up the mess if he didn't make it – realistically, about 20 minutes. It would have not been much hassle to turn around and let him go in the church restrooms.

Staying calm, I told him I'd look for a place that he could go potty, but that there were none around and he'd probably have to hold it. I gave him some words of encouragement. "You can do it, pal." I did this a couple times, but mainly practiced my brain dead responses to his painful squawks, which were designed to communicate this was it! …That he just couldn't hold it anymore!

I certainly was feeling empathy for him. Man, that's not comfortable. But this is a pattern for him. He loves to say he doesn't have to go and gets himself into these situations.

It was an interesting 20 minutes. He made it just fine. It was good for me not to get sucked into his drama, and drive calmly toward home. I really don't know if he learned a lesson this time, but I'm sure in those harrowing moments, or in the bathroom at home, some thoughts fired.
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When we helicopter our kids when they make poor decisions (not going to the bathroom) the kids really don't learn any decision making skills when we allow them to change their minds at the drop of a hat (turning the car around). I don't want you to think this is harsh, it works the same if your kid says they aren't cold and won't take a coat with them or they aren't hungry when dinner comes. As long as the situation isn't life threatening (unaffordable) we as parents need to restraint from making our kids lives perfect just because we know better.

"I knows" and Energy Drains -- how to cope with Yelling and Screaming

5/30/2015

This story is a bit long but it seems like I paid this mom to create this amazing success story she was so effective.
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I picked up my kids from school at 12:30 after our class yesterday. My 9 year old son was not in a good mood and I knew from experience of every early dismissal day that he was very hungry. He was not in a good mood to be nice to me or his sister. By the time we got home, they got into a fight over the leftover food in the fridge and My son started yelling at his sister and left the kitchen in anger. On his way to his room he bumped into me to show his frustration. I gave it a couple of minutes until he came back and I said to both my kids very softly: oh, you know what......this is such an energy drain for me. Yelling, screaming and disrespectful treatment get so much of my energy that I may not have enough left for helping you with your things or driving you around this afternoon.....unless we find a way to put some positive energy back in mommy.

My son did not take me seriously, but my daughter knew I was. Very quickly, she managed to divide up the left over food for both of them and called her brother for lunch and went out of her way to make everything right. I thought to myself: One, check...one more to go!

Half an hour later, when my son asked me about his baseball practice time. He realized that I was serious about not taking him. Then, he started crying, guilting me that no mom would do that, etc...I just told him, I know.... A few "I know"s later, he calmed and realized that his tactic was not going to work. He asked how can he possibly fix the energy drain. I said I can give him some ideas. Of course, any of my suggestions were too much for him followed by another guilt trip from him and "I know"s from me.....

Eventually, I left the room to do something and when I came back 15 minutes later, I found him folding laundry. I was about to fall on the floor......I thanked him and told him that was very helpful. He was not happy, but was doing the work. It was funny that he said: "You are making me work for you" and "I thought people are not allowed to have slaves any more". I told him very gently that I wish I had unlimited energy, but the reality is I don't. You being helpful gives me energy to help you later.

It was interesting that our conversation eventually changed direction and he suggested that I go lay down in bed to gain energy faster while he did the laundry.

I was amazed to see that not only did he end up doing the work and but was actually showing concern for me.
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Yeah mom! The key seems to be mom keeping calm in the midst of the wrath from her son. Awesome!

Loving Limits and Follow Through

4/2/2015

One set of parents who were taking the class as a couple reported this story to me within weeks of starting the class.
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We used Love and Logic® techniques all throughout dinner tonight. For bedtime I did find it amusing when my son was trying to control me about getting in the bath (which he didn't want to do). I said, "Kids who do not take a bath do not get a book" in which he replied "no fair". I said, "ahhuh" and walked away. That was the end of the argument so to speak! Hurrah!!

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It can be amazing when we start to change. Congrats! The only reminder would be to keep things positive and say what YOU are willing to do. It would sound something like "I read books to kids who take a bath." It gets us away from threats and towards reminding ourselves that we need to say what WE will do and the kids get to decide what THEY will do.

Braindead and Electronics

3/27/2015

One of my families was following up on a STRONG recommendation to move electronics out of the bedroom. Here is what ensued:

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I told the kids that we were moving all electronics into the family room. One child became surprisingly upset and argumentative about this loss of their rights. My husband kept saying, "we love you to much to argue." I listened and gave a few "mhmms" and "I knows." I let my child do the talking. They wanted me to respond with evidence why their cell phone shouldn't be in their bedroom. Don't I trust them? They were frustrated that I wouldn't argue with them.

The punchline is that this child told me I don't need any more parenting classes because they aren't helping.

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Too funny! They say our kids won't appreciate us changing, don't they! These parents held their ground and went braindead. Excellent teamwork!

Energy Drains and "I know..."

3/25/2015

One parent last Fall sent me info on how her new L&L skills were working out in her house. They were simple but... worked! Read on...

Got a chance to use the energy drain consequence with my son - I had to ask him 3x to find a book and it really was exhausting! So, after a dramatic "I'm-so-tired" effort on my part and an explanation of consequences, he ended up folding laundry, which he actually enjoyed (will tuck that away) and I thanked him for restoring my energy.

Also, my daughter started arguing right before bed about a halloween costume. Last week, she overheard me explaining the "I know..." brain-dead technique to a friend. So when she started her second "but...I want" I said, very empathetically, "I know........."

She said "really??" and went upstairs and found another costume. Quick learner.

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This parent got it and so did the kids! Great job remembering that these simple techniques can make a big difference in our lives as parents.

Power of "I KNOW"

10/19/2014

I just started teaching a new set of eager parents and am amazed at the power of a simple "I KNOW".

Within 12 hours I had two parents email me their "experiments". Here is how things went for one of those moms:

So tonight I made fish with broccoli and brussels sprouts...not a child's favorite food, for sure! My daughter instantly started complaining about the brussels sprouts and I responded with "I know." She continued on about how much she hates them & I just repeated "I know." After about 3 "I know's" she stopped and we talked about something else. She never ate her brussel sprouts, but she did stop complaining.

What a huge success! Make the effort to TRY the "I KNOW" and see how you can tune down the whining and complaining in your life by going brain dead!

Shopping with an Ungrateful Daughter...

5/1/2014

A mom recently went out of her way to spend a special day with her 10 year old daughter. They first went shopping for some new athletic shoes and where having such a good time they went on to find a top and some other clothes. To top off this amazing afternoon mom decided they'd go for some ice cream. All was well and good... until... ungratefulness set in.

Her daughter started whining and complaining about things which turned into a major melt down. Ack! The mom thought. What happened to our fun afternoon? It's a disaster!
Well, having learned Love and Logic® techniques, she decided to set an enforceable limit. "I take kids shopping and have a nice afternoon with them when they are respectful and appreciate our time together." Then she proceeded to go back to the store and return all of the items. Yep. RETURNED them.

What happened to the daughter during this? Yep. Nuclear meltdown. However, mom stayed "brain dead" and didn't argue or take offense.

After the returns the whole family had dinner and mom packed her daughter off to bed early.The next morning her daughter woke up bright and cheery. Wow! Amazing!

Her daughter got to learn the natural consequence of her poor decision to misbehave and be ungrateful.

I have to admit it takes a lot of courage sometimes for a parent to put down their foot and refuse to accept "poor behavior". Hats off to this mom for doing just that!

I have a feeling her daughter will behave differently when mom takes her out the next time. Don't you?

Laugh a little... it's a gift...

3/18/2014

Sometimes we are on such a track to get things done and to have our children "do" that we forget to laugh at ourselves.

When my husband "lost" the car in a large mall parking lot and we were all searching for it (he had dropped us off so we had no idea where it was), our teens were complaining and teasing with "oh dad, not again..." type comments. All could have been lost if dad had gotten mad. Instead, he turned it around and, once he found the car, he purposely set off the alarm, laughed and yelled "Here it is!" just to allow our kids to groan, roll their eyes and laugh at the situation.

Then we joked about how not only dad joined the Stupid Club that day but so had brother. Younger brother learned the lesson about what happens when you leave wet clothes in the washer for multiple days without drying them. His clothes were dried in the dryer but he only noticed they STANK like heck after he brought his sweatshirt into the car directly from this pile of wash that was now dry. Yuck! We all laughed. He was in the Stupid Club too.

And then there was mom, me, .. who had run into a pole with her car on a dark rainy night the week before. Ugh... Another Stupid Club member!

Could all the laugher have been lost if we went overboard and teased the heck out of each other? Yes, certainly. There is a balance between having a laugh and being mean. Also, can we miss these opportunities of family fun if someone gets mad? It's a wonderful gift to show your children that adults can make mistakes too and move past them with humor and honor.

So, next time you do something "stupid" feel free to laugh and start your own Stupid Club.

Brain Dead …

1/28/2014

The “contributions list” is posted and Mom was a little tired of waiting for the kids to do their chores so she just said: “We’ll have dinner when the chores are done.”

One son said, “Yeah, well then I guess we won’t be eating for a while!”
She said, “Whatever” and sat down to read her email. She just kept calm, didn’t engage in the conversation.

They did eat but about 45 minutes later than planned.
Now the kids know that when she sets a limit there’s no arguing about it.

Yes!

Napping Struggles

1/18/2014

A mom just used “brain dead” when her little one would not nap. Rocked him and said “I know…I know…I love you…I know..”

They both calmed right down and he feel asleep in her arms.

It’s important to keep in mind that when are children are fussy and throwing a fit to not take it personally. This mom did an awesome job of keeping herself calm, repeating the same phrase over and over instead of letting the frustration overtake her.

Yeah!